Compulsive (Liar #1)

by Lia Fairchild

  His calm disturbed me more than his visible anger. “Yeah. I’ll see what I can do.”

  “That’s all I’m asking.” He turned from me, and then I let out a breath. An instant later, he whirled around with his hand in the air. The slap came down hard, landing across my left cheekbone. “Too bad I know you’re a lying bitch.”

  My heart jolted, like I’d flat-lined for a second before someone jumpstarted it with paddles. A throbbing pulsed up to my face. Tears welled, but I fought them with anger. I’d never been hit like that before; stunned silence ensued.

  He grasped my face between his fingers, our eyes burned into each other. “That’s nothing compared to what I’ll do to the two of you if she tries to take my garage.” With a shove, my face flew away from his hand, and he plodded to the door. “Don’t even think of going to the police.” He pulled the door open and stood in the doorway. “You think you know about me, Gray. I can get all kinds of shit on a psychotic little liar like you.”

  I waited until the door slammed before I shrank to the floor in a stream of my own tears.

  CHAPTER 11

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  My fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter with every passing minute. My body, paralyzed in the driver’s seat, hadn’t moved in five minutes, despite the fact the traffic report blared on the radio. Normally, my finger would be on that button before the announcer could spit out the call letters. It was one of my more trivial habits—anything other than music coming from the radio was immediately banished.

  Driving there had been a blur of lights and lines with the occasional replay of that hand coming down on my face. It continued to burn.

  My appointment with Daniel was now two minutes past starting, and I could do nothing but stare at the lobby door from inside my car. Toxic humiliation spread through my veins. Why hadn’t I called and told him I was sick? I fumed with self-loathing for the reputation I’d meticulously built for myself. To know me was to doubt me. So, of course, I couldn’t call with an excuse. Damn him! I wanted to stab Harvey for leaving a mark on me. Both physically and mentally. I lifted my sunglasses as I glanced up to the mirror at the red welt on my cheek, unable to determine if it was getting worse or better. Perspective had been thrown out with my wits.

  I let my lids fall closed, so I could watch it again. Over and over. Maybe I could play it out. Something about it began to feel familiar the more I imagined it. The hand, not the connection. Soon, I saw myself flinch, even though I had no time to react. I turned my head to the side, though I had taken it straight on. I hadn’t been hit like that before, but now I was remembering something else. Another time. A different perpetrator.

  The memory flashed before me, and a tear dotted the corner of my eye. The babysitter. We changed sitters faster than Noah’s diapers. Being a widowed single father meant Dad was either working, drinking, or hiding. Most of our caregivers sat around while I did just about everything for Noah. That’s the way I wanted it anyway. One of them, not a teen but not quite a woman, had watched us for only two days. Her short temper and cold voice warned me not to trust her. She barely smiled when she first met Noah, which made no sense to me. It wasn’t me who had set her off that day. Two-year-old Noah splashed his palm into the cereal bowl, causing milk to go everywhere. “No!” she’d said, pointing her finger in his face. Frantically, I cleaned it up, keeping my frightened eyes locked with her infuriated ones. Noah laughed and did it again, this time mimicking her finger with his milk covered one. Her hand rose; I stepped in front of Noah, attempting to yell and protect myself at the same time. “Please…he’s just a baby.” I don’t know if my words or her own realization of what she was about to do stopped her. Instead of telling my dad, I slipped his watch into her purse and left it open where he would see it when he got home. She would never return, and I would learn another level of the power of manipulation.

  I pulled a loose napkin from inside the cup holder and swiped the wetness from under my eyes. Then, I took one last look at my latest failure and pulled out of the lot. Twenty minutes later, I found myself pulling into the Blue Moon Saloon.

  I kept my head down when I slipped through the door and headed straight back to the patio. The evening music had already been pushed up to a higher volume, but the speakers were lower outside. The sun had been making its descent on the way over, so the shadowed table for two in the corner provided an adequate escape. I ordered a whiskey neat before I knew what I was saying. My father’s drink of choice. It never seemed to fail him when he wanted to disappear. The first sip warmed my cool skin under the later afternoon breeze. I sighed into the glass, recovering from the burn in my throat, then sloshing down the rest. I nodded at the server when she asked if I’d like another. Upon her exit, a hand landed on my shoulder; the hairs on my neck stood at attention.

  “Well, at least you made it as far as the parking lot.”

  I recognized that cool silky voice immediately, but I stayed with my back to him. My mind spun with the thought of him following me here. “You saw me?” I didn’t ask him to join me, but the chair to my right skidded out.

  “Help me understand, Gray.”

  The waitress brought my second glass and asked Daniel if he wanted to order. “Just coffee, please.”

  “You don’t drink?” I asked when the server left.

  “I do…but not with patients.”

  The slap of reality was almost as painful as the one Harvey had delivered. When I didn’t answer, he said, “You’re still my patient, aren’t you?”

  I turned to face him, knowing my left cheek would be exposed. “If you’ll have me,” I said, holding back tears of shame.

  “My God, Gray. What happened to you?”

  A tentative reach of his hand toward my face made my breath catch. He stalled before touching two gentle fingers to my chin. “Are you all right? Is there more?”

  I shook my head. “I’m fine. It looks worse than it is.” My heart beat a little faster when I read the concern in his eyes.

  “Our deal stands whether we’re in my office or not.” Daniel struggled to remain composed. “Who did this to you?” he commanded.

  Our deal for honesty wouldn’t be a problem tonight. “I did.”

  “Gray.” He looked away as if he was planning his escape.

  “That’s the truth, Daniel. I’m responsible. I’m responsible for every bad thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  His eyes returned to mine, determined. “No one has the right to lay a hand on you. Do you understand me?”

  I nodded, wide-eyed like an obedient child.

  “One day…you’re going to rise above your circumstances. You’re going to be a survivor instead of a victim. Your strengths will become assets instead of your downfall. Are you hearing me, Gray?”

  His words riveted me like a savior at a sermon. He knew everything about me, though he knew nothing at all. A strong hand engulfed my forearm as if I was sinking in quicksand, and he was my lifeline, a way to claw and climb my way out. “Every word,” I whispered.

  “Would you like to go back to my office and talk?”

  I took a lingering sip of my drink. “Could we stay here and talk…just for a bit?” My eyes pleaded for the answer I sought. I followed his gaze down to the hand still resting on my arm, a thin piece of material separating our skin.

  He slid it away and leaned back in his chair. “Are you in much pain?”

  “No.” I raised my glass in the air before setting it down with a brave grin. “This helps.”

  “For now.” He raised his eyebrows.

  “Are we going to talk about how all my coping mechanisms will only end up hurting me more in the end?”

  “It sounds like you’re already aware of that fact.” He smirked and sipped his coffee.

  I hadn’t been able to manipulate Dr. Wallace, and Daniel already proved to be a tough nut to crack. But, I was up for the challenge. “Well, it’s not fool-proof.”

  “When did it start…the cop
ing?”

  “I guess around sixteen…possibly fifteen. Just drinking at first. Got a little sidetracked from time to time with other stuff, but thankfully, nothing earth-shattering.”

  “At any point, did you come to the conclusion that it was doing more harm than good?”

  I lingered with the glass to my lips. “Yes, but some of my coping mechanisms can be extremely pleasant.”

  “That welt doesn’t look very pleasant.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know.”

  He nodded, and I figured he wasn’t ready to talk about sex, especially not there. But, the intimate feel of talking alone in a bar took away some of the clinical element. I examined him more closely, noted his welcomed nearness. Those fierce eyes that I still hadn’t gotten used to looking into. The thinner my blood got the looser my lips would get, but I didn’t want to scare him away. “I’m sorry I didn’t get those forms sent to you.”

  “I understand. I have the notes from Dr. Wallace.”

  “You might as well burn those. They won’t tell you shit about me.”

  “Do you really believe that? Because I’ve already learned quite a bit.”

  “You can decide for yourself eventually.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “So, what do you want to talk about?” I asked, trying to keep control of the conversation.

  “Why don’t we start with something easy? Can you tell me one of your happiest memories as well as one of your most unhappy memories?”

  The effects of the whiskey were loosening my defenses. The second one hit me doubly hard. Daniel had followed me here, but it couldn’t have worked out better for my cooperation. I don’t know if I’d feel the same way sober and in his office, but at the moment, I would tell him anything. Everything. Yet, I was still in control enough not to tip my hand. “Okay.” I nodded coolly.

  “Great. Which would you like to start with?”

  “That’s easy. They’re both the same day.”

  The server had been refilling Daniel’s coffee as I spoke. When he heard my response, he swung back to me with narrowed eyes. I never felt any sort of satisfaction having Dr. Wallace’s listening ear, but knowing Daniel was attentively hanging on my words fueled my desire to share them.

  “Really?” There may have been skepticism behind his guise, but who could blame him?

  I went on to recount the day my baby brother, Noah, was born when I was around seven. The day I lost my beautiful mother as a result of amniotic-fluid embolism. The day that forever changed the course of my life.

  From as far back as I could remember, I’d planned to be exactly like her. When she died, my naïve aspirations of continuing as a mother to Noah and developing into a woman she’d be proud of were short-lived. I’d been cut off at the knees by a reality I hadn’t yet understood.

  “My mother was the heart and soul of the family. The goodness. The rock. All the clichés rolled into one, and when she was gone, it was like everyone else had become ghosts, too.”

  I stared off into the darkness, watching the traffic from a nearby street, wondering how many of those people were truly happy. How many of them felt broken like me. Was I so beyond repair?

  “And what about your father?” Daniel’s words took a full minute to travel through the darkness and reach me.

  I turned with an empty smile. “Well, Dr. Harrison. I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today.”

  “That’s my line.” He chuckled. “It’s fine, Gray. You’ve had quite a day today.”

  “Oh, this is nothing.” I squinted a genuine smile at him.

  “Would it be too presumptuous of me to order you a coffee? I don’t like the thought of leaving you like this.” He nodded to my empty glass on the table.

  “Considering men usually presume to buy me drinks, I’ll take this as a positive gesture.”

  “Great,” he said, waving down the waitress.

  After he ordered the coffee, I said, “I’m a big girl, Daniel. You don’t have to stay and babysit me. And I don’t live far from here.”

  “Okay, I’ll be in touch.”

  He stood, brushing my arm to get by the table. Before I realized it, I reached out and grabbed his hand. “Daniel?” The contact from his skin shot a bolt of electricity through me, sobering me faster than the coffee. Somehow that touch put me at ease as well, and I couldn’t bring myself to let go.

  His eyes caught mine, unable to hide his surprise and concern. I released his hand, and my body registered the immediate loss. “I…wanted to say thank you. For everything.”

  He nodded and then walked away.

  An hour later when I left, the bar jumped in full swing. I kept my focus on the door and walked briskly until I reached the exit. I’d been in that lot dozens of times at night and most of them alone. Safety was not my concern. Yet, something came over me as I walked to where my car was parked. An enigmatic feeling floated in the air around me. I stole a few glances up and down the aisle preceding me, and that’s when I spotted it. A shrouded figure sat in a car a few spaces down from mine. I couldn’t be sure, but the car looked familiar. Against a dark backdrop, I imagined Daniel sitting, waiting, ready to watch over me.

  CHAPTER 12

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  The late afternoon sun hugged the fading sky above the buildings across from Daniel’s office. I clung to the safety of the full-length window. Daniel sat in a chair silently behind me waiting for me to be ready to sit and face him. To face this new challenge that was supposed to give me a new life. I hoped he was a patient man. I pictured him, in my mind’s eye, watching me as he had that night in the parking lot. Had this much care and concern been given to all his patients? I couldn’t help but hope that wasn’t the case.

  I closed my eyes, taking in the last hint of warmth radiating off the glass. I’d kept him waiting long enough, but my feet were cemented in place. Talking to him at the bar last week under the veil of darkness was one thing; face to face in the light of day was altogether something else. My main fear was that I didn’t want to lie to him. Obviously I had agreed not to lie, but in my heart, I didn’t want to lie to him.

  After almost ten minutes, my voice gritted out a few quiet words. “I’m sorry…I’m just…”

  A scraping sound behind me penetrated the room. I twisted my upper half to glance back. Daniel’s able arms encircled the top of one of the large leather chairs, pulling it toward me. I should have been embarrassed, but my lips curled up with instant awareness of this creative and sweet gesture. Sure, it could have been some shrink instinct that caused him to seek a solution to comfort me, but that didn’t change the result.

  Daniel stuck his arm out, offering the empty chair to me. It wasn’t turned directly facing the window, but placed at a diagonal so that I had the option to look at Daniel or to the safety of the fading sky light.

  “Thank you,” I said as I sat.

  “Of course. I want you to be comfortable, Gray.” He sat back down in his chair. “Whatever you need to feel safe and at ease here.”

  I nodded before saying, “I do.”

  “If you’re not feeling comfortable talking yet, I can start.”

  “Okay.”

  “Well, I’ve lived in the Napa area most of my life, and I’m quite content to stay. I attended UC Davis, and I’ve been a practicing psychologist for about nine years now.”

  The only detail that registered with me was the number of years he’s been practicing puts him at around his mid-thirties, which is what he looked like.

  “I love this area, too.”

  I noticed a pencil in his hand and a pad in his lap. He pulled the black glasses from his breast pocket and put them on. Distracting. His hand moved to the pad, already working the pencil back and forth. So, it begins.

  My eyes flew to the window, scrambling for a diversion. “So…how’s Jessie?”

  I heard the smile in his voice. “Thank you for asking. She’s doing pretty well under the
circumstances. She’s a fighter and seems more mature these days thanks to a new friendship. How is Alyssa?”

  “Fine, I suppose. I’m not her mother.” I focused on a set of birds perched on a tall oak tree. One took off in flight as the breeze blew the tree into a wide sway. Its wings stayed open floating along with ridges of the wind. Free. What must that feel like?

  “I’m sorry. Did my question imply that I thought you were?”

  “No.” Since when are shrinks supposed to be smart asses?

  “Are you upset with Alyssa for some reason? Better yet, can you tell me more about your relationship with her?”

  The rest of the birds followed. I turned to look straight ahead, halfway between Daniel and the window. I gave him a brief history about how I’d met Alyssa, what I knew about her, and how we’d recently begun to get closer. Is he going to write down every damn thing I say?

  “In a sense, you’ve taken on a mothering role with Alyssa?”

  “Yeah, I guess. I suppose I’m not the best role model for her,” I said, looking directly at him.

  “Why would you say that?”

  An over-exaggerated head nod and arched eyebrows were my answer.

  “Okay. Are you saying you’re a bad influence on Alyssa?”

  “No!”

  “Do you put her at risk? Or...engage in unhealthy activities with or around her?”

  “No!” I’d kill to protect Alyssa.

  “Do you…lie to her?” His inquisitive expression froze on me.

  I glanced down at intertwined fingers twisting in my lap before popping my eyes back to Daniel. “Yes,” I said emphatically.

  His gaze dropped back down to the pad as his hand began working again. I could see that pencil would become the annoying third wheel. I might have to plan its untimely demise.

  “But…” I said before he countered. “No more than any other parents do.” My smile showed the satisfaction from my answer.

  “You seem to be extremely fond of her, yet your response earlier felt somewhat incensed.”