Compulsive (Liar #1)

by Lia Fairchild

  “No matter what you say…how hard you push me away…you’re still my little girl.”

  I shook my head and forced the lump down with a hard swallow. The wall I’d put up with everyone else had the ease of an automatic slider, which I could access at a moment’s notice. But with my dad, it was like pulling it out of the mud. “It’s late. I have to go.”

  “Wait…please.” He touched my shoulder and then my cheek. “No matter how old you get, you still look like your mom.”

  “Thank you,” was all I could manage along with my frozen stare. “You’ve got a lot of driving if you’re following her back.” I pulled my keys from my purse, hoping he’d set me free.

  “Okay, honey.” He looked down for a beat, but as I stepped away, a last eager plea entered his eyes as he watched me walk away. “I love you,” he said.

  CHAPTER 19

  --------------------------

  Evyn sat across from me at a tiny café a few blocks from our office. Her porcelain skin and clear blue eyes glistened against the morning glow of the newly risen sun. I inhaled several deep breaths to ease the knots that had formed in my stomach the second I woke up and saw her text. Evyn, my savior and my conscience, never had good news to share with me. So, I waited anxiously for her to lower the boom.

  “You look great,” she said as she sipped the coffee the server had set in front of her.

  “I don’t feel great at the moment, Evyn.” I pushed my cup to the middle, wondering why I’d ordered something that would only add to my nerves. “What is it?” On the car ride over, I’d scanned through what Daniel and I had talked about in our last few sessions. Had I said something to alarm him? Did he believe I’d broken our deal and hadn’t been truthful? It had been getting more difficult to avoid sharing every part of me with him. Being near him had such an effect on me; my mouth often worked independently of my brain. And as much as I thought I was hiding my feelings, my body reacted around him. My eyes turned lusty whenever they connected with his. But, he wouldn’t be able to share those fears with Evyn. Our last session we’d talked about work and the incident that landed me in this mess, so it’s possible they’d spoken about that.

  “Gray, I’m sorry if I worried you. It’s just…well, this isn’t easy for me to tell you.”

  “Did Daniel, I mean, Dr. Harrison, say something to you?”

  Evyn pulled a thin piece of blonde hair behind her ear as she squinted at me. “No. Why do you ask?”

  “No reason,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “Look, if you’re letting me go, let’s get this over with.”

  “Gray…”

  “I won’t hold it against you. We both know I’ve been your charity case for far too long.” The words were spilling out of me so fast I wasn’t sure if I meant them or if they were standard issue. “Seriously, thank you for trying. It’s probably best—”

  “Whoa!” A bright smile took over her face before a soft hand landed gently over mine. “Back it up, honey. I’m not doing anything of the kind.”

  My eyes grew wide. My mouth dropped, searching for a response.

  “Yeah,” she said with reassurance. “In fact, I’m here to ask you back full-time.”

  “What?”

  She retrieved her hand from mine. Her smile faded to regret. “Like I said, this is hard for me. Really, I’m a little ashamed.”

  I glanced around the crowded patio, filled with mostly business people grabbing their caffeine fix before heading to work. “I’m confused.”

  “I know. I’m stalling.” Her fingers twisted in front of her on the table. “Gray, I was wrong. I know you didn’t take the money from the Wayfield account.”

  Something between a laugh and a cough expelled from me. My instincts wouldn’t accept this, but I played along. “How…what changed?”

  “Shit…” She glanced to the side then back to me and in a whisper said, “You can’t tell anyone, but it was Jergens.”

  “My God. Are you serious?”

  “Dead. He wasn’t stealing, though. Only messing with a bunch of accounts. Moving money around.”

  “Why. That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “I think he was trying to manipulate the clients. Anyway, he’s out of here now. Gray…I’m so sorry.”

  That was it, right there. Those final three words implanted the realization in my brain. A wave of vindication and relief poured over me.

  “Say something. Do you hate me?”

  “God, no. Jeez, I can’t blame you. Honestly, I really don’t know what to say.”

  “Call me names. Yell at me. I deserve it.” She put the cup to her lips for a long, drawn-out drink. “But make it quick, babe, because I’ve got to get to the office. We can talk later about logistics.”

  “I don’t need to do any of that, Evyn. I know you care about me. And you’re one of the few people who’s always been there for me. Can I ask for a favor, though?”

  “Anything. Well…what is it?”

  “I want to continue with Dr. Harrison. I’ve got less than two months left, and I’d like to see it through.”

  “Oh, sweetie. Of course. So, you’re feeling good about it? It’s helping?”

  “It actually is. But I’d like more time to work some things out. That might mean putting off coming back full-time.” I scrunched up my face, pleading for understanding with my eyes.

  Her pause left my pulse racing. I needed a job, but I was no longer sure if that was the job for me. It was time I considered getting out from under Evyn’s protective wings. Obviously, my job wasn’t my main concern. I hoped Evyn wouldn’t press me about Daniel. The thought of leaving him now made my heart clench. Yes, it was inevitable, but there was no way I’d consider cutting my time with him short.

  Evyn collected her bag and phone as she stood. “You take all the time you need.” With a nod and a grin, she touched my shoulder.

  “Thank you.”

  “Call me.”

  A few minutes later, I left the café and strolled to my car, lighter on my feet. I was parked next to a meter in front of the post office. Three minutes showed on the display when I stopped next to it to dig out my keys from my purse. Some loose change mingled between my fingers. I pulled out two quarters, intent on passing along my good fortune feeling. I fed them into the slot, then turned on my heel, running directly into the side of a cardboard box. Two large hands grasped each side. A pair of light eyes peered over the top.

  “Excuse me. I’m so sorry.”

  “My fault,” I said, taking a step back. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “I should have been more careful with this.” He shrugged. “Hey, I’ve seen you before. Have we met?”

  “No,” I said without thinking.

  He lowered the box, so I could see his face better. “I’m sure I’ve seen you, but maybe we haven’t met, because I know I’d have remembered that.” He smiled and readjusted the box. “I’m Justin.”

  I pulled my keys out and glanced to the side. “I’m actually just visiting from Ohio.” I jingled the keys in my hand as I held them. “Here on business, and I’ve really got to run.” I sidestepped the box and went around to the driver’s side door, catching from the corner of my eye his body swivel in my direction. One last look before I got into the car showed a confused Justin with his mouth open in an awkward half-smile.

  My mood soured as I drove away, berating myself and wondering why when things were finally starting to turn around for me, I still fell into old habits.

  * * *

  That night I gathered up my nerve and called Daniel. We hadn’t spoken on the phone since that first time he called to meet him in his office. He’d always said I could call if I needed him. I assumed that meant an emergency, but something inside me longed to hear his voice. I couldn’t wait until our next session. As I dialed the number, I wondered if Daniel still felt an attraction toward me. Had he convinced himself that my feelings were some sort of needy, doctor/patient infatuation so he should deny anything that stirr
ed within him? I could admit most of my mental deficiencies, but what I felt for Daniel was not one of them. It was just about the only piece of clarity I had, backed by a firm foundation of evidence since the first day we met.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi, Daniel.”

  “Gray…are you all right?”

  His instant concern sent a warm current through my chest and down to swirl around in my abdomen. “I’m fine. I just…I’m sorry if this isn’t okay.”

  “It is okay. Don’t worry about it.” The deep, smooth tone of his voice, along with the intimate feel of his words delivered directly into my ear, was intoxicating. “You need to talk, and I’m here.”

  No, I needed him to talk. “Is this a bad time?”

  “Not at all. I was watching the news. You’re giving me an excuse to turn it off.”

  I tried to visualize him in his home, what it looked like, what he wore. “I stay away from the news. It’s too depressing.” I let out a quiet, breathy laugh I’m not sure he heard.

  “Is there something specific you wanted to talk about?”

  Silence filled the line with the reply that left me thwarted. I was an obligation of his profession. When I didn’t answer right away, he said, “What I meant was, did something happen to upset you?”

  “In a way.”

  “Gray.” His voice carried an urgency that filled me with desire for more. A part of me was tempted to draw it out, seeking his concern and attention. “Please, tell me you didn’t have another run-in with that guy.”

  “No…nothing as dramatic as that. Now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have called.” If I told Daniel what happened, I’d have to tell him the whole story, including that my original reason for seeing him was now null and void. Still, was that really such a risk?

  “I don’t believe that,” he said, cutting into my thoughts. “And you don’t either. You felt compelled to talk…but there’s no rush.”

  I almost sensed a smile when he said that. “How’s Jessie doing?” I climbed into my bed and under the covers, feeling more relaxed both physically and with talking to Daniel.

  He chuckled before answering, “She’s doing better. In fact, she went back to school last week and was actually glad about it.”

  “Wow, that’s great news. I’m happy for her. She’s such a sweet girl.”

  “Thank you. I think so, too.”

  “Alyssa will be excited, too. I guess that means I owe them that trip to the mall.”

  “She’ll love that, Gray.”

  Was it so pathetic how much hearing him say my name affected me, especially lying in bed while listening to it? “I know…I’m taking up your time with idle small talk.”

  “Nothing about you is idle or small.”

  “Hmm,” I said, scrambling for an appropriate response. Once again, I had Daniel pressing the limits of his professional decorum with me. And I wanted to push him further, but fear of what happened last time kept me in check. “I guess I should get to the point.” I decided to fess up and tell him the whole story of what played out with Evyn and the instinctive lie I told the cardboard box guy, Justin.

  After a quick rundown I said, “I don’t understand why I did that after getting positive news from Evyn. There was no reason to lie.”

  “Do you always have a reason?”

  “I guess not. But…I thought I was getting better. I am getting better.”

  “That might be true. Some progress can be made through acknowledgement.” His statement hung in the air, thick and foreboding.

  “But?”

  “But…what’s going on with you is not some condition you can treat and cure with some positive turn of events. The root of the problem is still there, lying just beneath the surface. The lies…the drinking…the relationship with Nathan…the visions…all stem from the same place. A place you keep hidden, Gray, and won’t let me in to see. Until we explore that part of your life, I don’t see you fully getting past this.”

  I turned on my side, dragging a fistful of covers under my chin. My gut ached with realization, with frustration, and with sorrow. I couldn’t pick and choose how I let Daniel affect me. My vulnerability didn’t have a remote that I could use to select the attraction and lust and desire while avoiding honesty and pain. At some point, I would have to let him in. Let him see the scars and the demons. I’d have to open that door that had been sealed shut for so long I wasn’t sure how to open it. Otherwise, I’d be forced to close myself off from him completely.

  “Gray, are you still there?”

  “I’m here, Daniel.”

  “I’m not trying to push, but if you’d like to come see me tomorrow, I can move some things around.”

  “No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine until we meet. Besides, I’ve got a lot to consider.” It wasn’t a simple choice of sharing or not sharing. Certain thoughts haven’t been permitted to enter my conscious mind for years. There were brief appearances I quickly squelched with one diversion or another, but to purposely access those memories and feelings was terrifying.

  “That’s fine. I’ll look forward to hearing what you come up with.”

  “Me, too, Daniel. Goodnight.”

  CHAPTER 20

  --------------------------

  I sighed after a deep, cleansing breath and then pulled my attention from the blank stare I had directed toward the window. “Sorry, what was that? Something about me looking horrible?”

  “No…I asked if you were feeling all right. You seem different and possibly a little listless.”

  “Do you miss my snappy quips and keen insight?”

  “I don’t know if I’d say miss,” his smile shined, but he quickly hid it away, “but I do wonder where they went.”

  “I guess I’m just tired today.” In our last session, he hadn’t noticed a damn thing. I was robotic, distant, talking about irrelevant crap like the relationship between Becca and my dad, and how it had surprised me they were so close. How Becca had changed because of her marriage. How I thought she and I could become close. Anything I could think of to avoid what Daniel had pointed out as my cross to bear. It didn’t matter that he was correct or that next week I would be reminded of that crushing reality as a flood of memories threatened to penetrate my wall of steel emotions. I was simply incapable of consciously acknowledging that part of my past.

  “Just tired?” He cocked his head in that way I’d come accustomed to when he felt me drifting toward the line between truth and dishonesty.

  “Really. But, there’s a reason.”

  “Okay…ready when you are.”

  “Last night…I had a dream. It woke me so abruptly I couldn’t return to sleep.”

  Daniel shifted in his seat, uncertainty flashed in his eyes. “Do you want to tell me about it?” The file, which usually rested on his lap, waited on the table next to him. He reached for it, pulling the pad from inside and readying his pencil.

  I knew I was playing with fire. At the same time, I had made a promise of honesty and this would at least help me avoid talking about other things. “Yes.” The eagerness in his face couldn’t be hidden, filling me with both fear and heat. “I was with someone…a man. I don’t know where we were, only that there was a bed against a backdrop of misty purple sky highlighted by a full moon shining through a floor-to-ceiling window.” Daniel’s eyes left me to dart over to the window. Mine followed. “Tangled in light blue satin sheets, our bodies glistened as they danced rhythmically together.” I peeked at him, his pencil stood frozen against the paper. I willed the memory to him through the connection of our eyes, and though he’d not dare ask me who the man was, we both knew. My breath grew heavy in the short time before I continued. “It wasn’t solely that it felt so incredibly real. It also felt different. Like being with this man was completely unlike any other man I’ve ever been with.”

  Daniel spun the pencil in his fingers. “Do you know why it felt so different? Why…this man?”

  A slow, steady burn filled my insides and bega
n making its way down between my thighs. “I think it was because this man knew me. He saw deep inside me to the core of my existence, and he accepted me. And he knew on instinct what I longed for and how to give it to me. And right then what I craved was his hands, his mouth, to touch every inch of me. It was like our bodies were built to pleasure each other. Like we were made to become one.”

  “Gray…uh.”

  I ignored his half-hearted attempt to stop me. “And when he took me to the brink of pleasure, my body rocked with an orgasm so intense I stirred from my dream and felt it pulsating through my body in real life.” My gaze never left his when I spoke those last words. Palpable heat generated between us. Intensity grew in the electric silence.

  Daniel stood abruptly and awkwardly, bumping the table in front of him. “I, um.”

  I waited, but when he didn’t speak, I said, “I’m sorry if that’s something I shouldn’t have shared.”

  He stopped next to his desk and leaned against it, folding his arms. Those arms that had been wrapped around my naked torso. “No…we should be able to talk about anything here.” He sounded as though he was convincing himself more than me. “Is that when you couldn’t go back to sleep?”

  “Actually, no.” Suddenly, I was thankful for the distance between us. I had no problem sharing the eroticism with Daniel, but I couldn’t look at him for the next part, so I turned to my safe place in the window. “I lay there for a few minutes drifting on a cloud of euphoria, fading in and out of sleep, hoping to return to my dream. When I finally did, I saw myself, lying there on my side, the man’s arm draped over my body from behind me. I smiled with my eyes closed, but as I stared at my content face, a sense of dread took over my whole being and…”