Compulsive (Liar #1)

by Lia Fairchild

  The vividness of the dream almost took me over, and I had to stop for a few seconds.

  Daniel stood when I turned to him. “Do you want to stop, Gray?”

  “No turning back now,” I said, trying to act unaffected. I looked away from his concerned face to nowhere at all. “I became cold and then wet. The bed shimmied and floated beneath me, my stomach sank with terror. The arm that held me secure drifted away, and I turned to find him floating in a light blue pool of water that used to be the sheets. I reached for y—…him as tears filled my eyes. I tried to scream, but my mouth opened in silence. He sank lower and lower until his form completely disappeared from the surface. That’s when I woke up. Tears soaked my face, and my heart was beating so fast I struggled to catch my breath. The dream had ended, but it was all so real. Every emotion still present. The fear. The loss. The helplessness.”

  When I turned in my chair to look at Daniel’s desk, he was no longer standing there. He was beside me, a tissue box in his hand. I looked up at him, confused, and then felt the tear I hadn’t known was there slip down my cheek. I took the soft white sheet and dabbed the side of my face before a hand touched the back of my shoulder. My head leaned into his waist as his arm curved around my back.

  Neither of us spoke until a persistent urge caused me to snake up Daniel’s body, hooking my arms under his in the process. My head nuzzled and planted itself in the crook of his neck, waiting to feel him accept me with his arms. I held fast until they did, and then the words came.

  “Gray…I can’t…this isn’t right.”

  His scent filled me as I breathed up into his neck. “You’ve never hugged a patient before? You’ve never comforted someone who was upset?”

  “Yes, of course, I have. But, this is different. We both know it is.” His movements contradicted his words as his hands rubbed slowly up and down my back. His head burrowed into mine. After a moment, one hand left my back and traveled to my hair, stroking it gently.

  My needy fingers slid farther up his back to his broad shoulders. “You’re right. It is,” I whispered, unwilling to make it easy on him.

  We stayed that way, firmly secured to one another, the only sounds in the office our breathing and the beating of our hearts, time non-existent. I feared the moment we separated, the spell would be broken and we’d return to doctor and patient, so I refused to be the one to pull away first. And if Daniel got spooked again and tried to drop me as a patient, then so be it. That would mean there was nothing in the way of exploring what was between us. Except for the fact that I truly lacked confidence in how he felt about me.

  An undecipherable amount of time later, Daniel’s voice broke the silence. “Okay, Gray. I’m here. I’m right here.” His comforting assurance stirred a new wave of emotions within me, and my heart once again beat faster. He held me tighter as his breathing intensified, filling me with the certainty I sought. Moments later, he fidgeted. “Talk to me about the dream,” he continued. “What do you think it meant?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?”

  “That’s not what I meant. I was talking about the other part…the ending. What does it mean?”

  “Isn’t that your job?” I asked, still clinging to his chest like a second layer of skin.

  “No. My job is not to tell you what things mean to you.” His hands went to the top of my shoulders and nudged me back a foot. One hand came up under my chin, lifting it until our eyes met. “My job,” he said softly, “is to help you learn to look inside yourself…no matter how difficult that may be…so you can discover for yourself the meaning.”

  Securely in his trap, my sole means of escape was to turn away.

  “You know I won’t push you, Gray. But, I sense you want to open up to me. I’ve felt it for a long time now, whether I’ve said it or not.”

  His surprising claim drew my gaze back to his, but I couldn’t find the words yet.

  “Do you feel like you can trust me?”

  I nodded, yet the urge to bolt from his arms, which remained connected to me, filled my chest.

  “Then, it’s merely a matter of time. When you’re ready, we’ll get there.”

  “Time,” I repeated as the realization hit me. “Do we really have so much?” I backed slowly from his hold and walked to the window, turning my back on him. “Technically, I don’t have to even be here. And officially, you’re only obligated to see me for about another month.”

  He came up behind me, stopping close enough for me to feel his presence. My stomach churned in that few seconds of hope before he spoke without touching me. The loss registered inside me, not knowing when I’d feel his arms around me again. “It doesn’t have to be that way. If you need more time, we’ll work it out.”

  The relief I’d expected hadn’t come with those words. It wasn’t more time I’d hoped for, but more Daniel. And the way things were going, I couldn’t be sure I’d ever get that.

  CHAPTER 21

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  I stared at the blurry reflection in the bathroom of the Blue Moon Saloon. My head spun, not only from the second martini I’d just polished off, but also from the few sips of ketamine-laced beer I’d had in between. Kevin had put some drops of “Special K” into his stout right in front of me and then kept nudging it into my hand. “You need it, baby,” he said each time. What the hell was I thinking? A better question was, Why the hell was I with Kevin? Desperate measures.

  I made a few much needed hair adjustments, then reapplied my bronze lipstick. An unsteady hand grappled with the challenge of keeping the color in place while my body swayed. Nathan was going to freaking kill me if he found out I was with his foster brother weeks after I’d promised him I’d steer clear of him. I hadn’t planned to hook up with him when I set out on this evening of drowning sorrows and managing pain. He’d spotted me at the corner of the bar sitting alone. As soon as we were locked in each other’s sights, that familiar gleam emitted from his eyes, and I knew I was done for.

  My phone beeped as I returned the lipstick to my purse. Blood pounded against my eardrums at the thought of anyone finding out I was there with Kevin. Paranoia and a buzz may have caused me to see things, but it appeared that even Eddy the bartender was giving us the stink eye. The number displayed was unexpected and from the one person I hadn’t given a crap what they thought. My finger hit the Reject button before my brain could decide. How could he call me tonight of all nights? That bastard knew hearing from him would make today even worse than it already was.

  Anger seethed through every inch of me with no outlet to release upon. I breathed and stared at my phone, painfully aware I couldn’t call Nathan. My finger swiped through the contacts and landed on Daniel’s name. What would I say? Anything to get him to talk. Hearing his voice would calm me. No, I couldn’t. I’d have to lie. Then, instead of pressing the Home button, my finger touched Send. Panic shot through me as I decided what to do. Soon after, I ended the call, loneliness enveloping me as I yearned for Daniel.

  Relinquished to dying with old habits, I stuck my phone away in my purse. My fingers brushed the corner of the picture I kept in the side compartment. I sighed and fought the urge to pull it out. Somehow a tick later, it was in my shaky hands. I gaped at the image, fighting back every ounce of sorrow and frustration ready to burst through the dam I’d built to hold it back. “Happy Birthday,” I whispered.

  “Excuse me.” A short, dirty blonde in long black boots clogged by me to the small sink area.

  Her wake rocked the picture loose from my grip. “No!” I scrambled and almost slipped in my heels, working to snatch it in the air before it hit the filthy tile floor. Adrenaline kicked away the emotional storm that threatened. I glared at Shorty in the mirror before tucking the picture carefully back in its home. Steeling myself and plastering on a smile, I bound through the door, ready to black the night away any way I could.

  “There you are, baby. I was getting worried.”

  I smiled and slinked my hand down his arm as I slip
ped back onto my barstool. “There was a line. I’m fine.” A couple more drinks, and we’d both believe it.

  “Eddy!” Kevin held up a hand, connected to a tattoo-sleeved arm similar to his brother’s. Eddy looked over without his always-present jovial expression. “We need another round here, man.” The bartender nodded after his eyes darted to me with concern. I returned a wink and a smile.

  “How long are you staying?”

  “Shit, you sick of me already?”

  Kevin had a sexy, rugged look about him, but his complete disregard for anyone but himself sucked the hot clean off his body. His charm had limits, but he did know how to take a woman and make her forget her troubles. “No, I was wondering what your plans were. Nathan said you were only here for a visit.”

  He took a long pull of his beer like he’d just stepped out of the Sahara. “Yeah, I bet he did. My bro wasn’t too glad to see me.”

  I sipped my martini and looked across the bar, avoiding any response. The noises in the room—music, laughter, voices, and barware clanking—all seemed to blend together for that underwater effect. An empty stomach and liquid dinner sped me closer to the inevitable outcome.

  A hand landed low on my waist, pulling me and my barstool closer to Kevin. “Are you glad to see me, baby?” He swept the hair from my neck, leaned in, and let his hot breath float across my collarbone.

  “Of course. I’ve missed you.” Even in my relaxed state, that had been the most difficult lie I’d delivered in weeks.

  He rubbed my back the way Daniel had the other day. I closed my eyes, trying to recapture the feelings from that day. I leaned into Kevin, catching a freshly showered man smell that could ignite my senses if I let it. “Then, what are we waiting for?” he said. “Let’s get out of here.”

  Every movement took more effort then. I reached for my glass. “Let’s finish our drinks first.”

  He took my wrist and replaced my drink for his. He must have put something in it while I was in the restroom, but still I took it willingly and drank.

  “Eddy, I need to settle up,” he said.

  Eddy glanced over while pouring a beer, but didn’t acknowledge the request. Kevin took my chin in his hand and kissed me gently on the side of my mouth. “I’m going to piss, then we’re out of here.”

  I watched him until he disappeared down the corridor. When I turned back, Eddy stood in front of me, looking expectantly. “C’mon, Gray.”

  “What? Where’s the check?”

  His head shot over his shoulder to the door. “Don’t have it ready yet. Sorry, computer’s down, and I already ran Kevin’s card, so I can’t close out.”

  As high as I was feeling, I could still sense what was happening. I wasn’t going to wait for it to play out. “You called Nathan?” I checked the door, considering my options. We could bolt and be gone before Nathan arrived, but he still knew, and I’d catch hell for it. “Dammit, Eddy!” I chose option two and jumped from my chair. Where the hell I was going in that state had yet to be determined.

  “Gray, wait.” From behind the bar, Eddy paralleled my path to the door.

  I heard my name again, but couldn’t make out if it was Eddy or Kevin. I picked up my pace, skirted around a large table of people, almost turned over an ankle, and arrived at the front door as it was opening.

  The panic at seeing Nathan’s angry and disappointed face did little to sober me. On instinct, we landed in each other’s arms; his hand cupped my head. “Thank God,” he whispered into my ear as if I’d survived a plane crash. Then, his tone turned harsh. “What the hell are you doing, Gray?”

  I quickly pulled away. “Hey, I don’t need a babysitter.”

  “Since when? Damn, Gray, you said you’d stay away from Kev.”

  “Thanks, bro. What the fuck did I ever do to you?”

  I startled and bounced my head over my shoulder. The look I gave Kevin was something akin to a scene from a bad seventies drama, but he registered nothing but anger for Nathan.

  “You want a list, man?” Nathan said, stepping away from the door.

  Kevin pushed by me, and I almost lost my balance. He stopped short of inches from Nathan’s face. “When are you ever gonna let shit go?”

  The last few sips of whatever it was Kevin had barreled down on me along with a hefty dose of guilt and fear. The only time those two came close to blows had been because of me. The room whirled around as I watched Nathan and his brother go at it. I tried to interject into their argument. “We didn’t plan this. We were both just here.” The rare truthful excuse seemed to float from my mouth up to the ceiling, mingling with hot air and music. It was as if I’d disappeared. I backed away slowly, looking for a place to retreat, away from another disaster I’d created. My eyes searched and found Eddy, pleading for help. He nodded to me from across the room and raced to the other end of the bar as I went for the back exit on wobbly legs.

  Cold air hit me as I entered the dim patio area, heading for the back door. A moment of weakness stopped my shuffling feet before I reached for the handle. What choice do I have? There was nothing constructive I could do in the state I was in.

  He caught me from behind as I touched the side of the door. “Gray!”

  The hand grabbing my arm was not attached to Eddy. I blinked and squinted. My legs almost buckled under me. He couldn’t have known, so it had to be my head escalating to a new high.

  “Are you okay?”

  Daniel stood in front of me, heavenly tall and solid, a beacon to swim to from within the dark waters. Yet, I stayed frozen, my arm still in his grasp, unsure of his motives. “What are you doing here?”

  “Nathan called me.”

  Nathan must have felt desperate to seek Daniel’s help. That thought filled me with more guilt, but I pushed it to the corner with the rest of the pile of discarded emotions. “Wow, talk about a party line gone bad.” My arm slipped from his hand as I backed away. “So, you’ve come to claim your patient?”

  “Please, tell me if you’re okay?” He gave me a once-over, brows knotting, as I clung to a nearby table to keep steady. I imagined disapproval in his expression, but then I caught something else. “God, if anything ever happened to—”

  “Nathan didn’t fill you in?” I couldn’t risk being let down if I believed what it sounded like he was saying. “It seems you’ve both come to my rescue. I should be flattered, but I know better.”

  His face fell. As bad as I wanted to let my anger loose on Daniel, those disillusioned, midnight blue eyes glistening against the moonlight locked me in and weakened my defenses.

  “He didn’t say anything except that you were here and might need me. And since I got a missed call from you, I came right over.”

  “Well, Dr. Harrison. You can see I’m all in one piece.” I smiled and attempted straight posture and a steady stance even as every fiber craved to melt into his embrace. The precarious ground beneath my feet and the pathetic thought of being his charity case held me back. “And I’m just heading out.”

  I turned and once again he took hold of me, this time pulling me to his side, demanding my attention. Heat shot up my spine and landed on my cheeks. The additional temperature did nothing for my stability. My stomach held equal shares of queasiness and knots.

  “You’re not going anywhere like this.” The last time I’d heard his tone so commanding was when he’d faced off against the angry red-haired guy at the hospital.

  My breath caught in the gaze of his determined eyes, strong chin, and clenched jaw. “I’m not your responsibility, Daniel.” I wriggled under his captive hold of me, but he held strong.

  “Let’s go.” Leading me by the arm, he pushed us out the back door.

  The cloud surrounding my head made it impossible to tell if I was a willing captive or too weak to fight. “I’m not going home, Daniel.” My voice protested for my body.

  “No…you’re not. We’re going to my place.”

  CHAPTER 22

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  Whi
te lines blurred and hypnotized me under the headlights of Daniel’s compact car. If I’d thought standing challenged my inebriated state, sitting in a moving vehicle trailing up a windy road could have been the catalyst for unthinkable humiliation. I refocused my attention on his shadowy figure behind the wheel. “How much longer until we’re there?”

  “I’m up Lake County Highway in Calistoga. Should I crack the window? Are you going to make it?”

  “Please. I think some air would help.”

  He pressed the buttons to lower both of our windows. “Better?”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  After a few minutes of silence save for the hum of the car, I jumped in. “Why did you come tonight, Daniel?” I wasn’t kidding myself that this headed to something that ended with Daniel and me walking into the sunset, but the surreal scene of him taking me to his place conjured up wonderful scenarios in my imagination. Why his house instead of my apartment? Why show up at the bar when he knew Nathan was on his way? The obvious and most believable answer was not the one I’d hoped for. Daniel was an incredibly caring and responsible man who worried about my well-being. But this time, I chose to push aside reliable Dr. Harrison and focus on delectable Daniel, commanding control of the car as he shifted. A man behind the wheel, especially Daniel, was more intoxicating than the martinis I’d downed. I let myself drown in the image of him taking control of me next.

  “That’s a good question.” I caught a quick smile in the beam of light from an oncoming car before he continued. “I’m sorry I can’t give you a more definitive answer. You called me, but hung up and then Nathan called. I figured if he was reaching out to me for help it must be something serious.”

  I turned to the darkness beyond the window, knowing I owed him an explanation at some point. “I get it. Worry, obligation, a little liability concerns plagued you.”