Skin Deep

by Pamela Sparkman

  “For a while. I’m supposed to be meeting Ms. Sophie here.” I checked the time on my phone. “She should be here by now.”

  No sooner had the words left my mouth than, I heard Ms. Sophie’s voice behind me. “Hayden, dear, sorry I’m late.” Cooper gave his grandmother a quick peck on the cheek before heading off, and then she gave Joe her attention. “I saw Maggie in the parking lot, dear. She asked me to see if you could come help her with something.”

  Joe looked like he’d read the juiciest part of the imaginary diary. I pointed my finger at him. “All right, what’s up? You’ve been looking like a guilty fool since I sat down.”

  Joe held his hand over his chest pretending to be offended. “I have no idea what you mean.” He glanced at Ms. Sophie and then came around from behind the bar. “I believe Maggie has requested my assistance, so if you’ll excuse me.”

  He hurriedly crossed the bar and went out the door.

  “Ms. Sophie,” I asked, “why does he look like he’s up to something?”

  Ms. Sophie raised an eyebrow. “When does he not look like he’s up to something, dear?”

  She had a point.

  “So how are you, Hayden? And how’s Annie?”

  “Annie is good.” I averted my eyes to my hands for a second before deciding to take a drink. The cool liquid felt good on my throat.

  “And you?”

  I wiped my lower lip with my thumb before answering, contemplating niceties over honesty. I went with honesty. “I’ve been better.”

  Ms. Sophie wrapped her hand over mine, squeezed it, and then reluctantly let go. “Well, I figured that, dear. That’s why I wanted you to come out tonight.”

  “I appreciate that, Ms. Sophie.”

  Ms. Sophie’s face softened, her eyes watered, and then she turned in her seat to face the stage. Cooper walked up to the mic. “Good evening,” he said, and the crowd chanted ‘good evening’ back. “The first song I’m going to sing is called, ‘I See Fire’ by Ed Sheeran.

  Ms. Sophie’s eyes remained on Cooper while he sang the first words, although she seemed to be looking past him rather than at him. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything. I knew what it was like to get lost inside your head, inside memories. I decided to remain quiet and let Cooper’s song fill the void. He was about halfway through the song when Ms. Sophie spoke again. And when she did, she opened up about something she’d never spoken of to me… her husband.

  “I miss him so much it hurts.” I turned to face her, to let her know I was listening, even though she wasn’t looking at me. Her eyes were still on the stage. “When you love someone with your whole heart, it hurts to breathe without them.” She swiveled her stool around to face me, allowing me to see her pain. “My lungs ache every day. But you know what? I see a lot of people here tonight, and I wonder if even half of them will ever know the kind of love that makes them feel ten feet tall and bulletproof. I sure hope so, because if they never get to experience it, well, that’s a true pity. They may never feel the ache in their lungs when they breathe, but they’ll also never know how good it felt to be loved so deeply.” She looked me in the eye. “I’d rather have the ache than to never have had a reason to ache in the first place.”

  “He was a lucky man, Ms. Sophie,” I said, reaching for her hand.

  “Yes, he was.” She placed her worn hand over mine. “And she is a lucky girl. She’s also standing at the door.”

  “Who is?”

  Ms. Sophie smiled. “The girl who loves you like that.”

  I turned towards the door and there she was. Beth. Every thought in my head, every whispering doubt that ever crept into my mind, fell away and the only thing separating me from the only girl I’d ever loved was twenty feet of space. I stood abruptly and Ms. Sophie latched onto my arm. “You need to let her come to you, dear.”

  “You don’t understand, Ms. Sophie.” I turned to her with pleading eyes. “She’s back. I need to see if she’s okay.”

  “Look at her, Hayden. Does she look okay?”

  I locked eyes with Beth. She looked more than okay, better than okay. She was beautiful and strong and courageous and everything in me was screaming to run to her.

  “Let her do this, dear.”

  I wanted to pull away from her, annoyed that she would suggest I not immediately go to Beth. I closed my eyes, trying to get a grip on my frustration. “What are you talking about Ms. Sophie?”

  Her voice sounded empathetic, “Open your eyes, dear, and watch.”

  I did and searched Beth’s face, looking to find the meaning behind Ms. Sophie’s words. Her eyes held mine as we stared. Just…stared. You know the kind of staring you do that lasts a little too long, seems a little too intimate, the kind that once other people notice all other conversation stops? The kind that makes you feel like the other person can see through you, all the way to your soul, and for a few seconds they completely understand everything about you? Yeah, that kind.

  My head felt like it was under water. Noises all around me were distorted and muffled. I couldn’t concentrate on anything that wasn’t Beth. Her hazel eyes glistened. Her long, silky blonde hair framed her heart-shaped face. Her cheeks were tinged with pink and her lips were begging to be kissed. Or maybe I was begging to kiss them.

  The microphone squealed and I felt like I was being pulled from the water. Sounds became clearer, the lights were brighter, yet, I still felt as though I was gasping for air.

  Applause ignited and I heard Cooper say, “Thank you, thanks so much. I’m taking requests tonight. Anyone have a song they would like for me to sing?”

  People shouted out song titles and then the strangest thing happened. Beth’s eyes shifted to Cooper. She raised her hand and shouted above the others, “I’d like to request a song, please.”

  “Certainly,” Cooper said, not looking at all surprised to see Beth standing there. “What would you like me to play, hon?”

  She looked at me when she said, “’I’m Yours’ by The Script. Do you know it?”

  “I practiced that one earlier today,” Cooper chuckled, and resituated his guitar over his lap.

  How long has she been back? Am I the last to know?

  I turned my attention back to Ms. Sophie. “Did you know she would be here?”

  “Of course I knew, dear. I was assigned to get you here.”

  “You got assigned a task? Isn’t it usually the other way around?”

  Ms. Sophie laughed. “In this particular case, I relinquished my powers over to someone else.”

  I studied her for a minute. Ms. Sophie was a beautiful lady both inside and out, and the way she was also studying me, I dunno…I felt like she knew every answer to every question I ever had. Her eyes held so many stories, said so many things. I leaned in and asked because I had to know, “What am I in for, Ms. Sophie? Tell me, so I can prepare.” Cooper began the song and I waited to hear the answer, afraid to take a breath.

  Ms. Sophie simply smiled that signature smile of hers and patted my hand. I felt a tapping on my shoulder and heard the voice I had longed to hear for the last thirty days.

  “May I have this dance?”

  When my eyes found hers again I couldn’t take them off of her. She reached out her hand palm up, and without hesitation, I placed my hand in hers. She turned and led us to the dance floor. From the corner of my eye I saw Joe hop up onto stage and begin playing his guitar along with Cooper, harmonizing at the appropriate parts.

  Beth’s hands slid up my chest and around my neck. I held her around the waist, pulling her flush to my body. We swayed together, her eyes never leaving mine. There was so much I wanted to say. Our hearts were speaking, though, so I let them speak. Except for the music, nothing else existed.

  “I’ve missed you.”

  Those three words hit their mark, like an arrow straight to my heart. I rested my forehead against hers. “Ah, Beth. I’ve missed you so much.”

  “Yeah,” she said, “I’ve missed me, too.”

  I c
losed my eyes, breathed in her fresh, sweet scent, and held her even tighter. Her breath whispered across my lips as she sang along with the song. When she sang the words, “I’m yours” my heart soared and my lungs filled to capacity, no longer struggling for air.

  “Say it again, Beth.”

  “I’m yours,” she said.

  “Again.”

  “I’m yours.”

  I lifted her off the ground and spun her around before setting her back on her feet, all the while keeping her wrapped firmly in my arms. I leaned back and brushed the hair out of her face. “I’m in love with you, Beth. Does that scare you?”

  She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “No,” she choked out. “Because I’m in love with you, too. Does that scare you?”

  I held her face in my hands while I wiped away her tears. “No.”

  She held onto my wrists, blinked up at me, and repeated, “I’m yours,” on the final note.

  There wasn’t applause at the end of the song. There were only hushed whispers throughout the crowd, although I wasn’t cognizant of any of it because Beth and I were in our own world. It was later, after the bar closed, that I was made aware. Beth and I had found a corner booth so we could talk. She told me about rehab, what she had discovered about herself, how she learned coping techniques to help fight her illness, and through it all I watched her face move through all the different emotions. The one I loved the most was the one she ended with, approval – of herself.

  Her face lit up when she talked about a book she was reading, and I knew I was witnessing every wish coming true that I’d ever had for her. I was bursting with pride for her.

  “What? Why are you smiling?” Beth asked.

  “I’m happy for you.” I moved from my side of the booth to hers, sitting beside her. “Do you remember that night when you told me you wanted to be a castle, and you said you felt like a pile of sand?” She nodded. “You’re not a pile of sand, but you’re not a castle either.”

  Her bright expression faded. “I’m not?”

  “No. Castles were built for protection with thick walls, battlements, towers, and moats. That’s not you. You were never meant for that. I wanted to tell you that night.” I paused for a second to smooth out the hair around her face. “You weren’t ready to hear it.”

  “So, what am I then?” she asked quietly.

  I gently ran my fingertips across her forehead, down her cheek, and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “A palace. You were made to be admired because you’re made up of everything beautiful in this world, inside and out. You couldn’t see it before.”

  We found ourselves locked in each other’s eyes again, staring like we did before, long and intimate.

  We were interrupted when everyone else decided to join us.

  “Beth, I know I told you earlier and I’m going to tell you again. We’re all so proud of you and you look absolutely amazing,” Lily said, looking every bit as sincere as she sounded.

  “Thank you,” Beth said, her cheeks flushing pink.

  I learned that Beth hadn’t even gone home first before she went to see Ms. Sophie, where she then had Lily, Cooper, Joe, and Maggie over to talk to them about her plans to surprise me. She said she hadn’t gone into much detail about rehab with them because she wanted to tell me everything first. The fact that she planned all this for me, I don’t know if I could fully describe how that made me feel. Ten feet tall and bulletproof maybe.

  Cooper slid in the booth beside me and while the girls were talking, he asked, “So how bad are you bursting at the seams to take her home right now?”

  “On a scale of one to ten…” I glanced at him. “…a thousand.”

  Cooper patted my shoulder. “I got your back, man.” Cooper slapped his hands together and said loud enough for everyone to hear, “Okay, you guys, let’s go. They need time to catch up and…” he pulled Lily up to her feet and rubbed her baby bump, “Lily needs to get home and put her feet up.”

  Goodbyes ensued.

  “Yep,” Joe said, “I need to get Maggie home, too.” He waggled his eyebrows at his wife. “I believe we were in the middle of a game of…chess when Ms. Sophie called earlier. I’m eager to get back to that.”

  Maggie playfully slapped at his chest. “Yeah, I bet you are.”

  “I am.” Joe kissed the top of her head. “I was winning.”

  We rose from our seats. Ms. Sophie hugged Beth and then hugged me. “Did you figure out what you were in for, dear?”

  I smiled, realizing that I was doing a lot of that tonight. “I did. Thank you.”

  “What are you thanking me for? All I did was invite you to spend time with an old lady.”

  “No, you shared something with me, Ms. Sophie, and I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you did.”

  Ms. Sophie turned her head, probably to hide her teary eyes. It was too late, though, I had already seen them. “Yes, well, you boys mean the world to me and I’m fulfilling a promise I made a long time ago.” Before I could ask her what she meant she squeezed my hand, wrapped her arm around Cooper’s, and they were out the door.

  I walked Beth to my truck. “Wait, my car is right over there,” she said, digging for her keys.

  “Leave it. It’ll be safe here. We’ll come back for it tomorrow.”

  She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth like she was mulling it over. She looked back towards her car then back at my truck. “Beth, what is it? You worried about your car? I promise it’ll be fine here.”

  “No, that’s not it. I...there’s something I need to get. Hold on a sec, I’ll be right back.”

  She popped the trunk and rummaged around a bit. When she walked back to me her arms were empty. “I thought you said you needed to get something,” I said in confusion.

  “I did.”

  I gestured at her empty arms.

  “Oh, it’s in my purse. I’m all set.”

  I opened the door for her, and proceeded to my side of the truck. The ride home was quiet. I’m sure she was still processing a lot and frankly, so was I. When I woke up this morning I had no idea Beth would be with me by the end of the night. I knew she would be getting out sometime this week, although I didn’t know when and I didn’t know how soon she would want to see me. The not knowing part was torture and if I didn’t have Annie and Dozer to keep me company this past month, I don’t know what I would have done. I felt like I was walking on the edge between sanity and insanity. Having Annie and my friends around kept me from going completely over the cliff.

  “You brought me to your house?”

  I blinked and observed my surroundings. Dozer’s head was peeking out the front window and I realized we were already here and I had no memory of even driving, like I was on auto pilot or something. I cleared my throat. “Yes, I’ve spent four weeks without you.” I glanced over at her, hoping she was okay with this.

  A hint of a smile caressed the corner of her lips, and I sighed with relief. She opened her door and climbed out. I hurriedly did the same, meeting her in front of the truck where I tucked her hand in mine and led her up the walk to my front door.

  Still, we said nothing while I guided her inside, closing the door behind me. She set her purse on the table by the door, and moved to the center of the living room where she folded her arms around herself. Dozer’s tail wagged while he crawled on his belly to greet Beth. She squatted and rubbed behind Dozer’s ears. His tail thumped against the floor louder and louder the more she rubbed. I tried holding back the urge to laugh at him. After a minute Beth stood and browsed around the room like she’d never been here before. I stood back and let her reacquaint herself. She walked into the den, flipped on the light, and walked down the two steps into the sunken room. She touched a table, gliding her fingertips along the edges, and then moved to the pictures on a shelf, touching and exploring everything until she made it to the other side of the room. On top of my piano was a piece of paper I had left there on a night I was feeling particularly lonely,
a song I had written entitled ‘What Am I To You’. She picked it up and read it aloud.

  “You wrote this?” Beth asked, her eyes lingering on the page.

  “Afraid so,” I answered, feeling embarrassed.

  “Who is it about?”

  Her voice sounded unsure of what my answer might be. How could she not know? “You,” I said, my voice sounding needy and pained.

  She nodded. “So, you don’t know what you are to me?”

  “I didn’t at the time. Tonight made it clearer.”

  She placed the paper back where she found it and turned to face me. Her eyes were taking on a shade of brown with maybe some green mixed in. I liked looking at her eyes and seeing them change colors according to her mood or the color she was wearing. She was wearing white, so I wondered what the brownish green color said about her mood.

  “I’m a good person,” she said with conviction. “I don’t lie, cheat, or steal. Okay, well I may have lied to cover up…” She waved her hand in the air dismissively. “Never mind…my point, I’m a good person. I love my friends. I love my sister to this very day and...” She paused and walked towards me. “I love you, Hayden, and you know what?

  My face felt like it would crack from smiling so hard. “What?”

  “I see what you always see when you look at me. I see it now. And I’m good enough! I’m good enough, damn it, and—”

  I kissed her right in the middle of her speech. I kissed her like she was my heart and soul. I kissed her like she was the only thing keeping me sane. I kissed her like I’ve loved her forever. I kissed her until our lips were bruised and I could no longer tell if we were standing up or lying down because I felt drunk having her lips on mine. My hands were in her hair, on her face, on her neck, down her back and up again. I was frantic and all over the place because I couldn’t make up my mind where I wanted to touch her. I wanted to touch her everywhere and all at once. I wanted everything she would give me and I wanted it now…here…this minute, because it already felt like forever since I had held her. And damn it, forever was too long to be without her and not long enough to be with her.