Skin Deep

by Pamela Sparkman

I was wild and feral because there was a beast inside me scratching and clawing to get out. I had wanted this for so long it was taking everything I had to keep from coming undone.

  “Hayden,” Beth said, breathlessly.

  “I’m sorry. I…I couldn’t wait another second.” I pulled her head to my chest and held her there while trying to calm my racing heart, hugging her to me because I had to hold her in my arms.

  My cell phone vibrated inside my pocket. Beth leaned back while I checked to see who was calling. When I realized what time it was my heart raced all over again. It was after one in the morning, and the number across my screen was Molly’s cell phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Kish?”

  Annie. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

  She was crying and worse, she sounded scared. “It’s Mommy. Something’s wrong with h-her.”

  “Where are you, punkin? You at home?”

  “N-no. We’re at the h-h-hospital.”

  “I’m on my way. Okay, baby? I’m on my way.”

  Hayden

  Beth and I walked into the hospital. Okay, that’s a lie. We actually ran into the hospital. I think I may have parked the truck illegally in my haste to get inside. All I could concentrate on was getting to Annie. The thought of her being here all alone and worried about her mother made me crazy and I couldn’t get to her fast enough. I needed to find Annie first and everything else was second.

  Once inside, I quickly scanned the Emergency waiting room, searching for a scared little blonde girl. In a matter of moments I saw her. She was sitting in a chair with her legs pulled up to her chest and her face streaked with tears.

  “Annie!”

  Her head shot up at the sound of my voice, her red, tear stained face looking devastated. I was already halfway to her when she jumped to her feet and ran the rest of the way until she flew into my arms, burying her face in my neck, the most haunting sob escaping her little body. I hope to God I never hear that sound from her ever again

  “Shhh, punkin. I got you. I got you.” I stroked her hair and held her, never wanting to let go.

  I felt Beth’s arms come around and hold us both. “Hey, sweetie,” Beth said, gently, letting Annie know she was there too. Annie didn’t look up or even acknowledge Beth’s sad greeting. It’s possible she couldn’t hear Beth because her cries were so deep and agonizing, like she had held it all in until I could get to her.

  “Attention!” a security officer barked. “I need whoever owns the black Dodge Ram truck to move your vehicle immediately, please.”

  Damn.

  “Give me your keys,” Beth said. “I’ll move it.”

  I fished my keys out of my pocket with one hand, still holding onto Annie with the other and handed them to her. “Thanks.”

  “I’ll be right back,” she said. She held the keys up in the air and said to the officer, “That’s us! I’m so sorry; we had a little girl in here alone and were worried about her. I’m moving it now.” The security officer nodded in understanding as Beth briskly walked through the automatic doors.

  “Excuse me,” a lady said, approaching us. She was dressed in hospital scrubs and holding a children’s book in her hand. “Are you the family of Molly Hunter?”

  Still holding Annie securely in my arms, I nodded.

  “I’m Cindy, one of the nurses here. I’ve been sitting with Annie until someone could get here. I’d just gone down the hall to pick out a book for us to read while we were waiting.” Her eyes were kind and her voice was friendly.

  “Thank you. I appreciate that.” I shifted Annie in my arms and held out my hand. “Hayden McCoy.”

  She shook my hand and then lifted her chin towards Annie. “She’s a sweet girl.”

  “Yes, she is. Can you tell me what’s going on?”

  “According to Annie she heard her mother fall and couldn’t wake her up so she called nine-one-one. Her mother was brought in a while ago by ambulance, and a police officer gave Annie a ride here.” She looked at me apologetically. “I’m sorry, I don’t know much else. I’ve spent most of my time with Annie out here in the waiting room. I’ll let the doctor know you’re here, so he can fill you in on the rest.”

  “Thank you,” I said again. She handed me the book for Annie and headed off to find Molly’s doctor.

  After Nurse Cindy left I found a spot to sit with Annie. She was hanging onto me like her life depended on it. “Everything is gonna be okay, punkin,” I assured her while I continued stroking her hair.

  “I was s-so scared.”

  “I know, baby. I know. What do you say we take a look at this book Nurse Cindy brought for you?” Annie nodded and I began to read.

  Molly was in the ER for twenty-seven hours before she was eventually moved to a room.

  I thought we were going to lose her. However, I didn’t have time to fall apart or contemplate the worst or think about the future. I had Annie to take care of, and she needed me to hold us together, so that’s what I did.

  Molly’s doctor was kind and took the time to explain to me what was going on. He gave me a clearer picture of what we were dealing with. I won’t pretend that I understood all the medical jargon, though I did understand the nuts and bolts of it. He asked if I knew that Molly had suffered from an eating disorder. I told him I was aware that Molly had suffered with anorexia when she was younger.

  After she eventually agreed to allow me to pay for the surgery Annie needed we had slowly developed a friendship. Over time, Molly had shared with me that when she was a teenager she had dealt with anorexia. She told me that when my father had started paying attention to her and taking her out, buying her things, she had tried to do better with her anorexia. She didn’t want him to know about it and so she ate, although not much, but enough that he never questioned her. Once she found out she was pregnant, she knew she needed to get real help in order to have a healthy pregnancy. She found a free clinic that offered services for addictions and eating disorders and she began to see a therapist and a nutritionist. She learned about healthy eating and her doctors and therapists were all pleased with how well she did throughout the pregnancy.

  What the doctor told me that I wasn’t aware of, was that Molly had taken ‘healthy eating’ to an extreme which had resulted in another disorder called orthorexia. At first, she wanted to eat healthy foods to reverse the effects the anorexia had on her body, but because her diet became so restrictive, and because Molly had suffered some damage to her heart during the years she battled anorexia, it caused more harm than good. Usually the heart can recover when the patient returns to eating healthy; however, Molly’s conversion from anorexia to orthorexia had put more strain on her heart. Basically, Molly had suffered a heart attack at home. Annie had woken up with a bad dream that night and Molly had gotten up to comfort her. She thought she would fix Annie a glass of warm milk to help her go back to sleep. Annie heard the glass break in the kitchen when it slipped from her mother’s hand and had gone to check on her, finding her on the floor.

  Molly’s doctor explained that her heart rate remained low. Should she get through the next several hours and eventually make it back home, she would not be allowed any kind of activity, and by that he meant not even getting out of bed. I thanked the doctor for explaining everything to me.

  I went back over to where Beth and Annie sat waiting for me and told Annie that she didn’t need to worry. I explained that Molly needed some rest and medicine that she could only get here at the hospital. Annie brightened up and was calmer, and by the time Cooper and Lily arrived she was smiling and laughing with us. I took Coop and Lily aside and explained the situation. They offered to take Annie home with them so she could get some sleep. I asked Annie how she felt about that and she agreed to go with them. I gave her a big hug and she told me she loved me through big yawns. Lily texted me that she was asleep before they even got out of the parking deck.

  After Annie left with Cooper and Lily, I told Beth everything I knew. Her eyes were filled wit
h concern. “What if she…I don’t even want to say it out loud, Hayden.”

  “I know, I can’t even think about that. She’s going to be okay, Beth. She has to be okay.” Beth stayed with me in the waiting room, only leaving my side to get us food and drinks. She called Lily as we had updates to give them and they were happy to have Annie stay until Molly could have visitors. Once again, I was reminded of how blessed I was with friends who were more like family.

  Several hours later, Molly was stable and her doctor said we could see her. I made the call to Coop to let him know they could bring Annie to see her mom and then headed to the elevators.

  I knocked before entering Molly’s room, and then slowly pushed the door open. “Hey, up for a visitor?”

  Molly looked worn and tired. When she heard me enter she quickly looked behind me. “Do you have Annie with you? Is she okay?”

  “She’s with Cooper and Lily, and she’s fine. They took her with them a few hours after we arrived so she could get some rest. I called them before I came up. They’ll bring her back in a little while. She can’t wait to see you.”

  Relief filled her eyes and she settled back on the hospital bed. Suddenly her bottom lip started to quiver. “I’m so sorry, Hayden.”

  “Hey, hey, hey,” I said soothingly. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

  “I screwed up.” She looked at me with hopelessness. “I was trying to get healthy for Annie. I kept thinking if I could eat all the right foods then I would be good…we would be good.”

  I pulled up the chair beside her, took a seat, cupping her hand in mine. “You’re gonna be okay. It’s a setback, that’s all. We’ll get through it.”

  She shook her head. “I screwed up, Hayden.”

  In a voice that I hoped conveyed confidence, I said, “I’m here for you, and there’s a bunch of people that have been in and out of this hospital for the past two days who are here for you, too.”

  Molly wiped her eyes. “Who?”

  “Everyone. Ms. Sophie, Joe, Maggie, Cooper, Lily, and Beth.” I chuckled. “The only one who hasn’t been here is Dozer. Don’t blame him, though. He can’t drive.”

  Molly managed a tiny laugh, and then she got teary-eyed again. “They all came to the hospital?”

  “Of course they did. Beth has been right here with me since we got the call to come. And everyone else has come by or called to check on you. You’re family, Molly.”

  Molly’s chin began to tremble and another tear slid down her cheek. She nodded in understanding, or maybe she was accepting the fact that there were other people besides me who cared about her. She tried putting on a brave face. “Speaking of Beth, where’s that girlfriend of yours? Do I get to meet her?”

  “Yep, she went to get us some coffee. She should be in soon. She wanted to give us a few minutes, I think.” I tried to smile, but my lips wouldn’t cooperate. They felt too heavy to move, and I was much too sad to make them. I wanted Molly to get better. She was such a good mother and Annie needed her. If anything happened to Molly it would break that little girl into a million pieces, and in turn, break me into a million pieces.

  I think we were both thinking about Annie because neither one of us said anything else for several minutes. I was sitting in a chair beside Molly’s bed, holding her hand, when there was a soft knock on the door, and then Beth came in carrying two cups of coffee. I stood, taking one of the cups from her, relieved that she was offering us a reprieve from our tired minds.

  “Thank you, baby. Beth, I’d like you to meet Molly.”

  I stepped to the side so Beth could see around me. “It’s nice to finally…” Beth stopped mid-sentence and blinked, and then she blinked again, her face draining of color.

  “Are you okay?” I asked while I reached around her waist to support her. She was trembling. “What’s the matter, baby?” I set my coffee down and then reached for hers.

  “This isn’t possible,” she muttered under her breath, all the while keeping her eyes glued to Molly until her knees buckled beneath her.

  “Whoa!” I exclaimed, bracing her underneath her arms. “Let’s sit you down.” Helping her onto the chair, I then knelt in front of her with my hands on her knees. “Talk to me, Beth. What’s the matter? You’re scaring me.”

  I swung my head around to look at Molly hoping to find some answers. Her mouth was open, her eyes wide. “You’re…Beth?” Molly asked in a whisper. You’re the girl my daughter talks about all the t-t-time?” Molly’s face was a canvas of every emotion you could imagine. Pain, anguish, amazement, hope. Molly swallowed hard and turned her face to mine, looking like she needed me to explain.

  “What’s going on?” I asked. “What’s happening here?”

  “Hayden,” Beth mouthed, no sound coming out. She cleared her throat. “Hayden,” she said again, although her voice sounded strangled at best.

  Still kneeling in front of her, I touched her face. “Look at me, baby.” Her eyes gradually shifted from Molly’s to mine. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”

  Tears sprung from Beth’s eyes, and without warning she stood, causing me to lose my balance. I righted myself and quickly stood, too, keeping my eyes on Beth.

  Beth hovered over Molly’s bed, and the two women zoned in on each other. I’m not even sure if they knew I was in the room any longer. Slowly, Molly raised her hand, and Beth bent at the waist until Molly’s hand cupped her cheek.

  “It can’t be,” Molly whispered, looking deeply into Beth’s eyes.

  Choking on a sob, holding Molly’s hand to her cheek, Beth said, “I’ve been m-m-missing you. Every s-single day.”

  All at once I understood. I wish I could fully explain what I was witnessing, but there were simply no words. I can’t describe the atmosphere in the room, only to say that it was equal parts heartwarming and heartbreaking. Seeing these two women together and the way they were looking at each other, I have never felt so much all at once in my whole life. It was hard to breathe as I watched the most heartfelt reunion I knew I would ever see, and before I even realized it, my cheeks were wet and I was clutching my own chest. Inside my head, I was chanting one thing over and over again to the girl who held my heart in the palm of her hand.

  I found your sister after all.

  Beth

  “Tag, you’re it!”

  I was sitting on the bottom step playing with a roly-poly when Grace slapped me on the shoulder and took off running. Immediately, I jumped up and pumped my legs to chase after her.

  “Hey no fair! You got a head start!”

  When I got to the tree that Grace was hiding behind, she squealed and ran around to the other side, laughing the whole time. We circled the tree like dogs chasing our tails getting absolutely nowhere.

  “This is making me dizzy, Grace. I have to stop.”

  “You okay? Do you need me to get Mom?”

  “No. Give me a minute. I need to catch my breath.”

  I bent over at the waist and rested my hands on my knees. From the corner of my eye I saw Grace coming up beside me and before she had time to say anything else, I slapped her on the arm and took off running towards the house. When I looked behind me, I laughed and shouted, “Tag, you’re it!”

  “Hey! That’s cheating!”

  “You cheated first.”

  I felt tangled, caught in between past and present. I could no longer tell up from down and my limbs felt heavy, like they were stuck in a bucket of wet cement. My eyes were playing tricks on me. I’d been up for too many hours and I was hallucinating. That had to be it. This couldn’t be real. My life didn’t work this way. I didn’t get miracles and dreams that came true. I got dead parents and a sister who was ripped from my life. I walked into this hospital room expecting to meet Annie’s mother and came face to face with my long lost sister. Life doesn’t happen that way.

  My life doesn’t at least.

  When she said my name, I knew it wasn’t my eyes playing tricks on me. It wasn’t my ears playing tricks on me e
ither. No, it was my heart who knew the truth, that it was her. Because my heart remembered the sound of her voice, and yet, my mind still said… no, it’s not her…it can’t be her. Can hearts be cruel? Because this felt cruel.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  Hayden sounded so far away, like a static radio station. Every so often I would catch his voice and desperately try to tune in so I could hear him, but there was a storm in my head and I kept losing the signal.

  Sanity, or insanity (I wasn’t sure which) was toying with me, dangling something precious in front of my face, taunting me by holding it over the edge, a smarmy smile in place all the while. And even with my doubts, I wanted to run towards it, grab it and hold on to it, because…what if?

  I couldn’t move, though. The wet cement had hardened around my feet, leaving me unable to even take the tiniest of steps. All I could do was stand still and will my head and my heart to get on the same page. One was right, the other was wrong, but which one? Which one?

  When she said my name a second time, my heart shouted to be heard. This is your sister! I promise you it’s her! A heart never forgets the ones it loves; years can go by, decades even. You bring two hearts who have loved deeply together and they know it instantly.

  I untangled myself from the doubt and disbelief, smashing the cement weight holding me down, ran towards the ledge, and grabbed hold of the person I would risk going over the edge for. Grace. If this was what insanity felt like, then I never wanted to be sane.

  “I looked for you,” she said. I closed my eyes, wanting to drown in the sound of her voice. My heart whispering…see I told you…I told you it was her. Her hand touched my cheek and I wanted to shroud myself with her touch. “I promise you, Beth, I looked for you.”

  I held her hand to my cheek, afraid to let it go. I never wanted to let it go. “I believe you,” I said. At least I think I did. I couldn’t be sure. I was still trying to tune out the static.

  When I opened my eyes, Grace was still there, still touching me, still looking at me with wonder and awe. She looked so tired, and yet, all I could think was that she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. It was like opening the door to heaven. I could smell her, feel her, and hear her. How many years had I wished for this moment? I didn’t need to count, I already knew. It had been sixteen years of wishing, hoping, and praying.