Heartbreaker (Filthy Dirty Love #1)

by Stacey Kennedy

  She kept all the things she wanted to say locked down deep and gathered up some Pad Thai noodles, devouring them. Rules were important with Maddox because they created clear boundaries. She couldn’t forget that.

  While they ate, she reminded herself of all those things and watched a freighter off in the distance gliding through the water. She didn’t mind the silence, but small talk kept them in a safe place. Determined to bring things back to where they needed to be, she glanced at Maddox, taking his lead from earlier. “You said you came here a lot with your father, what did you guys do?”

  “Bike, hike, explore,” he said before shoving a big piece of broccoli into his mouth.

  “Sounds fun,” she said.

  Maddox nodded and mumbled with a full mouth, “We did a lot together, and most of the things we did were outside. My father loved the outdoors.”

  Weird choice of words. “He doesn’t like it outside anymore?”

  “No,” Maddox said, swallowing his food. He reached for a bottle of water in the bag, handing her one first before opening his and taking a sip. “My father has Alzheimer’s.”

  “Gosh, that’s terrible, Maddox. I’m so sorry.” She placed a hand on his forearm.

  He glanced at her hand on his arm for a long moment before his eyes lifted to hers, looking even warmer than before. “Nothin’ to feel sorry about. It is what it is.” He took another bite of his lunch, then glanced out to the water. “Besides, he’s happy and doing well at the nursing home he’s been living at.”

  “What nursing home?”

  “Seattle Springs.”

  She knew of the home and knew it was a nice place. “I’m guessing that means it’s pretty bad if he’s living there?”

  Maddox nodded. “It might be worse if he was miserable, but honestly, he seems happier than he was before, far more content, in fact. Sure, he doesn’t remember his old life or me for that matter—”

  “He doesn’t remember you?” she interjected gently, pressing a hand to her heart.

  Maddox lowered his chopsticks back into the box and smiled gently, sliding his fingers down her arm. “Stop looking so sad, sugar. It’s okay, really. When I visit him, we still have good talks and watch the games together. No, he’s not the father I remember, but this is where life has taken us.”

  She stared at him, her chest feeling as if a hundred pounds pressed against it. First, Maddox had lost his mother. Then his father. “Well, I’m sorry, but I find this all very heartbreaking.”

  “Children being abused is heartbreaking,” Maddox retorted, picking up his chopsticks again. “I had an amazing childhood with a man who gave me everything. I wanted for nothing. Every memory I have is a happy one. By the time the disease set in, I was a grown man, living my own life.”

  “Still,” she said, not bothering with her food anymore. “It’s tough to have your father suddenly have no idea who you are.”

  “You get used to it.”

  She sighed, wishing she could get through to him, even though she told herself she shouldn’t let herself go there. More and more, she began to see the man behind the sizzling touches, and she liked him. Yes, Maddox could own her body, making her feel far more alive than ever before. Though this sweet, unselfish side of him was endearing. He made her want to love all over him, even if she knew how bad an idea that was.

  “Just so you know,” she said firmly, letting her barriers down for a moment. “No one should have to get used to the fact that a person who loves them is gone. Just because there’s evil in this world, and worse things happen to other people, doesn’t mean that what you’ve experienced wasn’t difficult. You deserve to be loved, and I’m sorry that love for you hasn’t always been easy.”

  Maddox finished his last bite and then gave her a soft smile. “That’s a very sweet thought coming from a very sweet woman.” He inhaled a long breath, and her breath caught in her throat when he glanced out at the water and added, “But in my world, that sweetness does not exist.”

  “Well, then, maybe it should.”

  He paused. Then, “Maybe.”

  Chapter 10

  The next evening, after Maddox’s day shift that had started with his mood shitty and ended the same way, he sat on a stool at the bar of Frisky Frikin—the wood-paneled, cozy, British pub—and downed the remainder of his pint. Desperate to wash away his continuing tense mood, he gestured at the bartender for another.

  “Coming right up,” the pretty blonde said, hurrying off to fetch his drink.

  When he’d arrived at the pub to celebrate Jeremy Walsh’s retirement after twenty-five years of serving Seattle, he found the pub full of his fellow cops, which wasn’t out of the ordinary. This pub was a regular hangout for those on the force. Though, right now, he wanted to be anywhere but here. Christ, he didn’t know where he wanted to be or what he wanted to do.

  Yesterday, he hadn’t known what drove him to text Joss, asking her to meet him for lunch. He only knew he couldn’t stand not seeing her. Even now, a sense of loneliness he wasn’t used to slid into him, making him feel needy and goddamn desperate. This wasn’t him. He fucked women and left them, disposing of them before they could dispose of him. That’s what made sense. That’s what made him not hate the woman who’d given birth to him and then left. That’s what had helped him get through his younger years, never wondering how a mother could leave her son and not look in on him again. That’s what made him wake up every day and not miss her and not wonder where she was now.

  To keep from spinning into a dark place he never went, he downed a big swig of his beer. The icy crawl of abandonment he had felt as a child crept back into him, and he downed another sip, washing that coldness away.

  “Hi, Maddox.”

  He snapped his head sideways, and while he noted that it had been Emilia who addressed him, only Joss filled his vision. She wore a black lace top that fit her like a glove—showing the perfect tease of cleavage—and tight skinny jeans with tall black boots. She’d styled her hair down tonight with a little curl at the ends, and her makeup was dark, reminding him of when she’d shown up at his house that first night in the lingerie he’d bought for her.

  His fingers tightened into fists, and it took all his strength not to move to her and take her into his arms, showing her how crazy she made him. Her shiny, pink lips called for him to taste her. Her sugary smell demanded that he devour her. Under his stare, her eyes began to dilate, inviting him to own her.

  With the loud crowd around them, and his cock swelling in his pants, Maddox realized a truth he couldn’t deny. Something had changed, not just in him, or her, but in the two of them together. He didn’t know when it had happened or even how, but he could feel it running in his blood like extreme adrenaline.

  The problem was, he didn’t know what to do about it.

  Before, he’d ended things when a woman showed any signs of attachment. But he didn’t want to end things with Joss. Yesterday, he’d told her things he’d never told anyone about his father. She’d listened as if only he mattered and had extended affection to him, filling the cracks of coldness in his soul. Even now, he liked the way she looked at him, as if she saw no one else but him. He wasn’t ready to end this yet, and she didn’t seem to be either, and with that thought cemented in his mind, he realized he never wanted to be cured of his addiction to her.

  “So, um…” said Emilia, obviously in response to Maddox’s awkward silence and staredown of Joss, “…Maddox, this is my husband, Troy,” she introduced.

  Maddox blinked, forced himself to gain control, and looked at Troy. “Good to meet you, Troy.” He offered his hand, noting Troy’s height. At least six foot five, he towered over the women, and with his gelled, spiky, dark hair, he only looked taller.

  “Nice meeting you, too.” Troy returned the handshake then dropped Maddox’s hand to pull Emilia into his side, nice and close. “Thanks for taking such good care of my girl on the job.”

  Emilia glanced up at her husband and smiled in a way Madd
ox had never seen her smile at anyone.

  “My pleasure,” Maddox told Troy. The bartender placed his beer in front of him, and he nodded in thanks, before adding, “I’m lucky to have her on my team.”

  “No truer statement has ever been said.” Troy kissed the top of Emilia’s head.

  Maddox noted Joss glancing away and looking at her boots. Even he felt like a fourth wheel there. As he watched Troy and Emilia embrace each other and flirt, he wondered what that would be like. To grab Joss for all to see? To place that kind of statement out into the world so that everyone knew she was his?

  Before he could decide, Troy released Emilia and said, “Why don’t I get you girls some drinks? Beers?”

  Joss snapped her head up “God, yes, please.” She shoved her thumbs into her pockets and rocked from side-to-side. “I think I might want something a little stiffer, too, if you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all,” Troy said before heading off toward an open space at the bar.

  Emilia glanced from Joss to Maddox to Joss again before calling out to Troy, “Here, I’ll come with ya.” She gave Maddox a quick grin before scurrying off.

  Maddox sighed as the sounds around him seemed louder than before. The rock music playing through the speakers. The guy eating the peanuts next to them. The conversations all blending together in a loud roar. He shut his eyes and drew in a deep breath before he reopened them to glance around. Only a foot away stood the police chief, and near him was a female police officer Maddox knew was known to gossip around the office. Though when he looked back at Joss, he noted the way she nibbled her lip and swayed her hips. He didn’t want her to feel alone. “This is difficult,” he told her.

  She sighed, her shoulders sagging with her soft laugh. “Surprisingly, yes.”

  Maddox stared into her eyes, feeling the strands of his control slipping away. Before he could somehow fix the awkwardness and make everything okay again, a hand was thrust into Joss’s face.

  “Joss, right?”

  Maddox mentally cursed and turned to Grey, not shocked to find a beaming smile on his buddy’s face. While Maddox had asked Grey to meet him here tonight for drinks, Grey’s timing matched with Maddox’s mood made him regret sending the invite.

  “That’s right, I’m Joss,” she said, offering a sweet, polite smile while returning the handshake. “You’re Greyson?”

  “Greyson Crawford.” He released her hand to smack Maddox on the back, his grin firmly in place. “My friends call me Grey, and I’m as close to a brother as Maddox’s got.”

  “Oh,” she said, eyes wide with surprise.

  Maddox saw her lips part, desperate to ask more, but he also knew she wouldn’t. Too much interest in him would give her away, and she was too smart for that. Seconds passed like minutes, and as the awkwardness only grew, he wondered how he could let this happen. Things never got awkward, not for him. He made sure of it.

  Before he could try again to rectify things and correct whatever the fuck was going on between him and Joss, Emilia’s voice suddenly cut through the air. “Joss, come here. We’ve got shots.”

  Joss heaved a heavy sigh, her posture relaxing even more. It became glaringly obvious that she wanted to get away from the tension between them as she gave Grey a tight smile. “Nice to see you again.” Those pretty eyes shifted to Maddox and pierced into his soul as she added with a smile that had him by the balls, “Enjoy your night.”

  Maddox watched her walk away from him before he tore his gaze away. He’d created rules to ensure that things never became weird, to guarantee that he didn’t falter in public, especially with so many cops around. But that fucking beautiful woman right there was breaking apart the very fabric of who he was, making him want things he’d never wanted before with anyone.

  He had to fix this problem. And he needed to do it now.

  Grey bumped into Maddox’s arm, snapping him out of his thoughts, and as Grey turned to the bartender, he said, “Give me a pint of whatever you have on tap.” He slid onto the stool next to Maddox and leaned in, keeping the conversation private. “Better be careful, you two will repeat history and end up in the bathroom of this pub doing things that could give you a lot of grief.”

  Maddox snorted and drank back two gulps of his beer. “That won’t happen.” Though even as he said it, he knew it was a lie. Everything had changed, and without hesitation, he’d take her in that bathroom and fuck the shit out of her in a second if she gave him that sexy look that she’d originally given him in the nightclub.

  The look that had changed him as a man, making him want her in ways he’d never wanted anyone. The same look she’d given him at the barbeque. A look that was as equally sweet as it was sexy.

  A look that screamed mine.

  Maddox blinked out of his thoughts, watching as Grey gave one of his charming smiles to the pretty bartender, who smiled back at him.

  Grey took a gulp of his beer then turned to Maddox with a knowing look. “So, after that little show there, I take it things have gotten a little more serious than you led me to believe?”

  “It’s not serious,” Maddox stated, frowning down at his beer bottle. “I don’t get serious, and you know that.”

  Grey snorted. “Rules are rules, yes, I know.” He tipped his beer toward Maddox, his expression knowing. “Maybe it’s about damn time you broke those rules.”

  Then what? What would happen after he broke the rules? He liked rules. That’s why he liked the law. Things were clear, uncomplicated. He wasn’t governed by emotions; he was led by logic. Now he didn’t know which way to go. He felt like that lost little boy who’d sat on the front porch, wondering where his mother had gone.

  He turned his head in Joss’s direction, watching her down her shot, and felt the confusion roll through him before glancing at Grey again, “This has become complicated, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”

  “Really?” Grey mused, giving something over Maddox’s shoulder a quick look. “You’re good then with how things are between you?”

  “Yes.”

  Grey took a swig of his beer. “She’s free to be with other men, then?”

  “Of course. She’s free to do whatever she wants, we’re not a couple,” Maddox bit off, ignoring the way his muscles seized.

  “Well, good, I’m glad to hear that,” Grey said, wiping the beer off his mouth before adding, “Or you might have a problem.”

  “What problem?” Maddox frowned.

  Grey gestured over Maddox’s shoulder with a flick of his chin. “The fact that your girl is in the arms of another man.”

  Maddox jerked his head to the side, and his chest tightened. His eyes narrowed on the guy sliding his hand across Joss’s back in a way that sure looked like ownership to him. The man was so close to her, there was no distance between them, and Maddox couldn’t stop watching. Logical or not, his fists tightened as a rage he’d never known before stormed through him.

  No one touched something that belonged to him.

  For a short time tonight, he’d thought he had a handle on himself and had even made himself believe that he could control whatever was going on between him and Joss. Now, he realized he was dead wrong.

  When the man turned Joss toward him and wrapped her into a tender hug, Maddox’s gaze snapped away, and he shut his eyes, inhaling and exhaling until the anger calmed. He shot off the stool, ignoring Grey calling out to him, and walked out the pub’s door. Instead of doing what he craved to do: removing the guy’s hands himself.

  * * *

  The citrusy cologne filling Joss’s nostrils reminded her of some very happy times, causing her to nearly lean into Nick’s warm body before she’d thought better of it. She quickly pushed against his chest, now inhaling the booze wafting off him, and hastily removed herself from his arms.

  “Damn, Joss, you look”—his bright blue eyes roamed over her from head to toe before reaching her face again—“you look really great.”

  A compliment from Nick hadn’t been on he
r to-do list tonight, but nonetheless, it felt nice to hear that rather than the last words he’d said to her when he dumped her. Besides, she probably looked fitter than he remembered. Police academy did that to a body. She studied the man in front of her, the one who’d once held her heart in his grip. He looked the same, with his all-American good looks, straight, white teeth, stylish, brown hair, preppy clothes, and a sparkling smile that could charm anyone. “What are you doing here?” she asked, shocked spitless that he was there.

  He snorted a laugh, shoving his hands into the pockets of his blue jeans. “I came home to see the family and thought I’d meet up with some friends for drinks. Why? Is that a crime?” His grin turned a little devilish. “Are you going to arrest me?”

  “No. No, of course, not.” Joss attempted to smile and even laugh a little, but she failed miserably. She wished she’d seen him before he’d taken her into his arms to prepare herself for this conversation. Then maybe she wouldn’t feel like she was Alice falling down the rabbit hole. “Sorry. I’m just surprised to see you.”

  The tension between his brows faded, his posture slowly relaxing. “I haven’t been home in a while, but my mom kept hounding me, so I made a quick trip back for the weekend.”

  Which was only a reminder of why they’d broken up. Nick didn’t want a blue-collar job and looked down his nose at those who did. He had his sights on something more white-collar, including building an empire in New York City on Wall Street. The decision to go to the prestigious, Ivy League Harvard to pursue a career as a stockbroker when Joss had chosen the University of Washington led to their demise. After he’d been introduced to the lavish lifestyle of the upper elite in New York City, his simple life in Seattle with Joss hadn’t looked so appealing anymore.

  I think we need a break was the last thing she remembered Nick saying to her. Now, over a year later, there he stood, half-drunk and ogling her. She stared at him, feeling like she didn’t even know the guy in front of her anymore. Or maybe she’d changed so much in the last year she felt different around him.