by Neil Forsyth
42 Bob learnt the phrase ‘conscientious objectors’ from a World War I documentary and uses it with great abandon, usually to ‘conscientiously object’ to something he has been asked to do. Off the top of my head, I have witnessed Bob ‘conscientiously object’ to: buying his round in Stewpot’s Bar if he has not been the main contributor to the conversation, speaking to strangers at parties, giving up his seat on the bus to elderly women and paying the VAT applied to the cover price of a pornographic magazine.
14
The Skirt Hunt and the Dunblane Hydro
From: Elena Denisov
To: Bob Servant
Subject: To me you are love
To my dear,
Do not be surprised to hear from me. I look for love from men in your country and you were advised for me to contact as man of great honour. I want to tell to you it is a little about itself. I live in city Obst and I have very good family. Because of my work I take off a small apartment and I live in it separately from my family. But I very much frequently reach to them and I spend with them weekend. now I work as the senior seller in shop store, which sells female footwear.
My work brings to me not so many money, but it is pleasant to me. I very much like to laugh and I respect the people with good humour. I like to travel. I yet was not far from mine At home, but I dream in the future to visit in different places. I 2-3 times in Week go to be engaged in sports hall, to hold my body in The order. And you. It will be very interesting to me to learn about it. I wait for your letters.
Sincerely yours,
Elena
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From: Bob Servant
To: Elena Denisov
Subject: Cupid Must Be Wondering Where His Arrow Is Because It’s Sticking Out My Fucking Head
Elena,
Thanks very much for getting in touch and I’m very glad that you did. Looking at your photo made my eyes feel like they were on all expenses paid holiday to the Costa Del Skirt. I should tell you right off the bat that I am 64 years old. That doesn’t mean that I’m not active on the skirt front but I know that for some skirt I might have too many miles on the clock. That’s frankly ridiculous because you can’t put a price on experience, just look at Bryan Ferry or that bird from Murder She Wrote.
If I was to start telling you, Elena, about all the adventures I’ve had with skirt then we’d be here all night so let me just say that if someone wrote a book about skirt then under every category there would be a wee number to go to the index and then the entire index would just say ‘Ask Bob Servant’. They reckon when you die that your whole life fl ashes before your eyes. Well I’ll just see one long piece of skirt with Frank’s voice over the top asking for money. That’s not much of a way to die is it? It’s not exactly Butch Cassidy going ‘all in’ with the Mexicans.
So maybe you’re the answer Elena. What a pair we could be. Like Torvill and Dean with extra sauce, or Cannon and Ball with less. Sorry, I mean more. Although the thought of a sauce-heavy Cannon and Ball is the stuff of nightmares, as I’m sure you’d agree?
I live in Scotland but you should know that I’m not one of those boys who abuses women by giving them cruel nicknames or making fun of their walks. For a start I’d have the local branch of the Skirt Protection League on my back but that’s not what would stop me. I’m a romantic, Elena, it’s as simple as that.
I attach a photo of my house for your records,
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
43
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From: Elena Denisov
To: Bob Servant
Subject: This age is fine
Dear bob
Have good day? I waited your letter and was very much Is pleased, when you have written to me. I am waiting for your letters every day! we begin to learn each other more well and to develop Our acquaintance. I think, that it is an interesting thing, to learn someone far through the Internet. It is unusual to me, because I a little is familiar with the Internet.
Your age is not mean anything to me at bob so just forget this. At 64 this is till young with the medicines available today and this is OK for me if you have known many women because I excpect this from a man of 64 and this is just experience like you say. your house so beautiful and way you respect and not abuse women is only joy to me bob.
My heart sing that you reply. I am so happy to hear from you back. Bob i understand that you are looking for wife if you sure if what you are saying i will agree to come your country or can you come down to my country because you know i have nobody to take care of me here.
Ok bob i must go now to work in the shoe store. with all my love
Elena
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From: Bob Servant
To: Elena Denisov
Subject: The Hydro
Hi Elena,
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. It’s just that Wimbledon has kicked off and as always I am throwing in my lot with Andy Murray. I call him ‘The Dunblane Hydro’44 which always gets a good reception in the boozers round here.
I’m a big tennis fan, Elena, it’s ideally suited to my mentality because it’s a battle of wits and I’ve got more wits than all the other boys round here put together. Before you ask, yes I have ‘swung the strings’ in my time. My God, Elena, you should have seen me out on the court when I was younger. I had a serve that could cause blindness, a second serve I called ‘Old Faithful’ and a backhand slice that started whispers as far north as Arbroath.
These days the knees won’t join in like they used to so I just stick on my white shorts and my headband then sit down, pour myself a well deserved OVD and watch the Dunblane Hydro.
And why not?
Yours in sport,
Bob
PS I attach a photo of the Hydro. Look at those eyes, Elena. It’s like Boris Becker has taken them out of their sockets, polished them up and put them back in.
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From: Elena Denisov
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Tennis player
hello.
ok bob this andy murray is a professional tennis player and the current British numbers one. This is ok for you to have a hobby and sport that you like and watch because i want you to have many intrests and stay active and this will make your life much longer than the 64.
bob i am wondering what the plan would be for us. my problem is to have somebody in my life and you are promising that you are need of a wife and am here to be your fucture patner. please are you realy need a wife if that get back to me with your mind and let’s move forward in this our relationship waiting to here from you again.
You tell me how you are with women bob so i should know bob how I am with men. I respect them always and i can’t find something that will makes me embarass a man infront of his friends. i can also cook what ever you will like me to cook for you.
Bob i am a little worried about my job. it is not customers at the shoe store and sometimes i wonder if all will be ok. I send another photo to you Bob.
Elena
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From: Bob Servant
To: Elena Denisov
Subject: Gone Fishin’
Elena,
Looking at these photos of you makes me feel like I am on a timeshare in a log cabin next to a lake full of love fish. I want to walk out of the cabin, throw my hook of truth in the water, reel you in, gut you, lightly smoke you over a fire made out of lust, cover you in a sauce of desire and then absolutely devour you.
It’s also great to hear that you won’t embarrass me in front of my pals, particularly because that is actually a crime here in Scotland.45 I’m sorry to hear business is a bit slow at the shoe store but I’m sure it will pick up. At the end of the day, Elena, people still have feet. I’d like to see the Government try and make cutbacks in the number of feet we’re allowed. There would be a riot and they’d only have themselves to blame. Maybe suggest to your boss that you do a bit of team-buil
ding but be careful. I remember when I tried to get the atmosphere going on the cheeseburger vans with a ‘Bring a Kid to Work Day’ but that backfired when Frank got done on kidnapping charges.
I’m glad you’re on the ball with the Dunblane Hydro. You’ll have seen that he’s now swept a couple of numpties aside. I reckon that German boy was there to cut the grass and just picked up a racquet for a laugh. I do worry a wee bit about the heat though. The Hydro’s from Dunblane and they’re asking him to play in a hundred bloody degrees. You should have seen him after the game, Elena, he looked like he’d been for a pint on the surface of the sun.
Yours,
Bob
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From: Elena Denisov
To: Bob Servant
Subject: This age is fine
Hi bob
I admire your story from the lake. yes i feel all this too bob. desire and lust and even it is right to talk about love because i think this is love we are entering also. We talk so freely like this is something that we have done since time begins. Bob do you experience also this feelings? I think about you all time bob, when i eat and dress and work at the shoe store and from my way between. Every hour you arrive into my head and i am pleased to have you do this! Please tell me this is not me alone in this thought bob.
I am glad about your Murray hydro win. You must be the best fan bob to make him win like this! If he wins the competition then he should know it is because of fans like you bob.
So bob we should work out master plans to bring us together. Two options are clear bob that you come here or me to you. i will speak to the government department for me to come to your home i might have to buy small visa bob will let you know this.
Bob you must be senting me your photo soon i only know you through words,
Elena
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From: Bob Servant
To: Elena Denisov
Subject: Frank’s on the case
Elena,
Another good win for the Hydro today eh? The kid’s got it, there’s no doubt about that.
Anyway, you’re right we need to see each other. I was down at the Cuckoo’s Nest bar earlier chatting to Terry Darcus and Big Sandy about this and then my neighbour Frank (who wasn’t strictly involved in the conversation) chipped in with an idea that made me stand up like a totem pole. What he says he’s going to do, Elena, is build a telescope in his garden that will let me see you.
I asked if he was sure I’d be able to see Russia from Broughty Ferry and he said we should be fine as long as it’s not too windy. I’m very excited about this, Elena, and also very proud of Frank. He used to work for me selling cheeseburgers on my vans but if he pulls this off then he could be one of the great Scottish inventors like Alexander Graham Bell.46
I don’t know if you know much about Alexander Graham Bell but he was the Scottish scientist big gun who invented the telephone. It was back when most of the other scientist big guns were experimenting with trannies.47 Bell experimented with trannies a little bit (mostly in his shed when his wife was out at work) but after a wee while of messing about with trannies48 and trying on their lipstick, Bell had enough of them and decided to invent the telephone.
So as soon as Frank’s finished building his telescope we should be able to see each other fine. I can’t wait. I’m going to give a big ‘Dundee hello’ to you and then my old pal Baz who lives in France, before Tommy Peanuts wants to borrow the telescope to check on his ex wife, then Nipper Kolacz wants to borrow it for God knows what.
I’ve attached a photo of myself as requested. I’m a little shy as you can see, but I hope you think I look handsome?
Bob
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From: Elena Denisov
To: Bob Servant
Subject: This will not work
Bob
But this is not the plan bob how can you think it is. Your friend will not have the qualities to build a telescope for you to see from Scotland to Russia bob it is far too far. In fact i do not think this is something that could be built by scientists and men of study so if your friend works sales cheeseburgers then how could he do this. Come on bob stay real and think again of how we can see.
Well i have some news of this. I have been to the correct government department and i can purchase a visa to visit you for $1400. I went straight to the travel company and there can be a flight from here to you in Scotland Bob for just $1600 so this is $3000. I have some terrible news today bob that the shoe store is closing down because of no business. I am a women of belief that i am equal to man so wish I could buy this package bob but right now I am stuck and can not because the shoe store close down.
Can you send this money today bob? Bob you should not be so shy! Send a proper photo and yes i am ever glad about your Hydro Murray bob. you show a lot of support for this man and this is one reason why there is love from me for your loyalty bob.
Your love
Elena
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From: Bob Servant
To: Elena Denisov
Subject: Forget the Telescope
Good Evening Elena,
You’re probably right, the telescope was a bit pie in the sky (no pun intended). I went and spoke to Frank earlier and said that you’re going to fly over to Scotland instead. He said he would build an airport in his garden for you to land in but I said that wasn’t necessary.
OK let me have a think about you coming to Scotland. The only slight problem is the Hydro. I am finding myself thinking about him all the time and I just don’t know if I could give you the attention that you deserve.
That’s the Hydro through to the semi finals to play the Spanish boy and I’ve spent all morning planning a party. Me and the boys are putting together one of the biggest buffets that Broughty Ferry’s ever seen. I’m cooking up Meat Attack Cheeseburgers, Frank’s bringing a wheelbarrow full of chips, Chappy Williams and Tommy Peanuts are bringing a briefcase full of chicken wings and Slim Smith is bringing a bib.
We’ve made a few banners:
‘Welcome to the Dunblane Hydro, Your Checkout Time is RIGHT NOW’.
‘The Pain in Spain Falls Mainly on Nadal’s Brain’.
‘Welcome to Andy Murray’s Spanish Restaurant. Dishes are “Served” Hot’!
This is the big one, Elena. I attach a photo of a Meat Attack for your records.
Yours,
Bob
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From: Elena Denisov
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Who is it you love bob me or hydro?
Bob I wonder if you can give me more attention than your favourite Murray or Hydro because it seems this is all you talk about? Now you say you think about him more than you think of me what is wrong with you Bob this is not the way?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Elena Denisov
Subject: My Darkest Hour
Elena,
The Hydro got beat. I can hardly lift my fingers to the keyboard, Elena. When I see my hands I just think, ‘the Hydro has hands too’ and then I start crying like Harry Secombe has sat on my cat.
Yours in utter devastation,
Bob
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From: Elena Denisov
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Be a proper man
Bob this is too much what is wrong with you you are 64 man and you are this sad because of a tennis? bob there is other tennis chances for the Hydro Murray and you will be alive to watch them. But this is just the chance you have with me bob, only one. And now you are danger because the chance could be gone just because of your feelings for the hydro murray player do you see bob? this is not right and you must see the sense very quick now bob before it is all too late.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Elena Denisov
Subject: My Decision
Elena,
This is the hardest email I’ve w
ritten since I switched from Scottish Gas to British Gas which, considering their advertising campaign, took a lot of soul searching.49 First I would like to thank you for the opportunity you have given me to make the choice between you and the Dunblane Hydro.
I have now given it some serious thought. On the one side there is some wonderful hair, come to bed eyes and legs to die for. On the other side is you. On the one hand there are strong forearms, great movement and an amazing collection of headbands. On the other is the Dunblane Hydro.
It was a tough choice Elena, a hell of a choice, but I have made it. I’m sorry Elena but I choose the Hydro. There’s something about the kid. I choose the Hydro.
My God, Elena, I’m crying as if my granny has just announced that she’s going out with Mathew Kelly.
I choose the Hydro, Elena. In the name of love I choose the Hydro.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Elena Denisov
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE My Decision
Bob you cannot be making this choice what is wrong with you. Think again bob and be quick.
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43 This isn’t Bob’s house. In fact, it’s the oriental-inspired home of Coldplay bass guitar player Guy ‘Fife’ Berryman which fairly dominates central Kirkcaldy. This photo copyright © Scottish Celebrity Homes Magazine ltd.
44 This is the name of a well-known hotel in Andy Murray’s hometown of Dunblane. I vividly remember the day that Bob came up with this nickname for Murray, due to the seven text messages he sent me. The first message contained the nickname, the second to fifth messages read ‘What do you think?’ and were sent at roughly one-minute intervals, the sixth message read ‘It’s a hotel in Dunblane where he’s from’, and the seventh message read ‘Only use it if you say it’s mine’. I received all seven messages together when I emerged from a torturous journey on the London Underground and was very tempted to go straight back down the steps.
45 See Female Conduct in Public Spaces (Scotland) Act 2010, Section 1, Part IX: ‘Females will not deliberately embarrass their partners in any public area where their partner is within ten metres of a known associate.’ Also see The Scotsman, 16 April 2010: ‘Scottish Parliament Defends “Skirt Laws” ‘. (‘“American TV shows and the Internet have caused confusion amongst the nation’s skirt,” said a Parliament spokesman. “These should be seen as gentle reminders from an old friend.”’)