Why Me?
Page 15
In the last few weeks Frank has started allowing people to pay £5 to stand in his garden and watch me. He calls it ‘The Bob Servant Experience’ and, as you’d expect, it’s been very popular. Every time I go out my door there’s someone watching and they can see in some of my windows as well. I feel like the whole world is gaping at me and passing judgement. It’s like being on trial at Nuremberg, or being Cliff Thorburn.
You’ve got to help me, David, how can I stop this? I just went out to get a paper and I attach a photo of what was waiting for me. The man shouted that he was ‘an admirer’ and I shouted back that he was an animal.
Help.
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From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I can handle this for you
Hello Bob,
Well Bob this is not a normal situation in any way but we are a legal team who can think fast bob and so we can react to this in the proper way. Your friend does not have the right to do this bob that is very clear to me but it is not as simple as that. It must be proved in court that he is casuing you distress and behaving in a way against the law. This is where I help you Bob using all my experience to make these points to the court in a clear manner because this cannot be done by any man on the street of course.
Ok bob i hope you can see that we are on the right track to ending the behaviour of frank. I will also push for full refund from frank to you of all the money these people have paid because he is getting rich bob from your efforts and your famous nature in the neighbourhood.
Your lawyer,
ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.)
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: They’re in the garden
David,
Thanks for your advice. You certainly sound like you know your business and I like the sound of getting the entrance money off Frank. I looked after that guy for forty years through my various businesses and now he’s throwing egg all over my face and legs.
Things have stepped up a notch here tonight. I’d finished my dinner and went out to the garden to have a wee think about what bits of my dinner I’d liked the best when I nearly jumped out of my skin because there was some boy in the bushes. I didn’t see him at first then he whispered ‘I love everything about you’. I managed to get a photo before running back inside while he shouted after me ‘keep doing what you’re doing!’
That’s me back in the house now, David, and I’m shaking like a horse. Frank’s obviously started letting people over his wall and the situation is just completely out of hand. I feel under physical threat in my own home. Like the youngest Walton or Richard Madeley. It’s getting towards the winter here, David, I can’t risk getting trapped in the house.
I really appreciate your help here, David, in what must have be the toughest case you’ve ever faced. You must feel like Karl Kennedy62 during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Bob
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From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: The way forward
OK Bob,
You are right it is time to act because no one should be on your property that is a whole new level. No matter how much people want to see you and talk to you this is clear illegal and will be easy for me to prove and put a stop to.
Bob send me $2500 through the Western Union details i gave. I will then file an EMERGENCY ORDER through all international criminal courts. This will give police in every country full power to arrest FRANK and throw him in the jail with the theifs for what he is doing to do.
You are right bob you should not take more of this and just send the money and it will be stopped.
Your lawyer,
ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.)
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: There’s hundreds of them
David,
Thanks for your kind words which have been the silver lining to a very tough day because things are going from bad to worse. Frank has started bringing in coach tours from Perth. Perth’s not the most exciting place in the world63 so apparently through there they see me as a mix between David Niven and bubbly former Home Secretary Kenneth Clarke.
I just tried to nip out the house to go for a pint at Stewpot’s and was greeted by the sight below. I tried to get through them but they were like a pack of alligators. They were pulling at my clothes and saying things like
‘What’s your favourite colour?’
And
‘You’ve changed my life’.
And
‘Stop ignoring your fans’.
In the end I had to run back into the house. This is a nightmare, David, and you’re the only man who can wake me up. It’s like I’m tossing and turning in my bed and you’re standing holding a bucket of special lawyer water. Douse me, David. Douse me.
Bob
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From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Go to Western Union by the back
Yes Bob I know it is a nightmare that is why I have told you very clearly the instruction to send me $2500. Do this today bob you can get out to a Western Union just for this i am sure even if you must leave by the back of the house.
These people are all breaking the law and i will treat them like the dogs they are in the courtroom bob this is my grave promise to you bob but first you must send the money for me to file the EMERGENCY ORDER.
This is vital go now bob go out of the back of the house to a Western UNION
ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.)
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: Surrounded
David,
I’m afraid that won’t work because I’m completely surrounded. I was up first thing this morning and darted out the front door to try and get to the bank and sort your fee when I was greeted with this – I don’t think I’ve ever seen that many people David, not all at once anyway. They went absolutely potty when they saw me and started chanting. The chant went like this –
We want Bob
We want Bob
Two pork chops and a corn on the cob
We want Bob
We want Bob
Harrison Ford has lost his job
Any idea what they’re singing about, David? Where does Harrison Ford come into it? If he’s lost his job then it’s the first I’ve heard of it. It’s not like he’s done a Dave Lee Travis. Remember that one, David? When Dave Lee Travis resigned live on air and sawed off his own leg?64
Anyway I was pretty shaken up by how many people were out there, and a bit thrown by the whole Harrison Ford thing, so I went through to my back bathroom for a bath. When I got out I reached down to pick up my slippers and I heard all these screams. I turned round and took a quick snap –
My back was to the window so they must have seen the whole chemistry set when I bent over. I can’t help feeling like I won this round but it’s a hollow victory really, David, like the way Philip Schofield gets called the ‘thinking man’s crumpet’ and keeps winning these prizes meant for skirt.65
We need to end this once and for all, David. How?
Bob
----------------
From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Is it real?
Bob,
In fact this is just not seeming true now bob. All these people in your garden? That is a crowd from a sport game bob in the photo you have sent and that second one is not a real photo you think i will believe this?
Send the money now if you want me to respresent you and explain your position again because now it is different to what i thought and it is not seeming true to me. You must tell me different now bob your bill is already high so every way means you should send the $2500.
ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.)
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: The Final Insult
David,
Bit of a weird one. Frank came round and we had a chat. We talked about all the good times we’ve had. I pointed out everything I’ve done for him over the years and how I took him under my belt and showed him a life that he could never even have imagined. He said it sounded like Pretty Woman and I said that’s fine for him to say that it was like Pretty Woman as long as he is very clear on the fact that it is like Pretty Woman without the sauce and he said that went without saying and I said actually I’d rather it didn’t go without saying particularly if anyone else is around when he says it. He said that he was sorry and that I was still his boss after all and he should have treated me with more respect and I said he was also jealous of my success and he said well that’s probably something we should put to one side and I said in fact it was probably more appropriate if we talked about it at length and he went a bit red and his eyes started twitching like they did that time before he that after that parrot said that his looked like a .66
Frank headed home so I settled down to a Meat Attack but then ten minutes later the doorbell went and there he was again. He said he wanted to show just how sorry he was and handed me a present of a large tub of margarine. I thanked him and said that if he wanted to go away and come back with a better present that would fine. He smiled and said ‘oh I think that will keep you busy for now’. I thought he was having one of his turns so told him to go to bed and went through to my kitchen.
The margarine tub felt quite heavy and I thought I could hear voices but that oftens happens when I’ve had a Meat Attack so I ignored it and decided to make myself a wee butty. I got out the rolls and opened the tub of margarine and, oh dear God, David. I attach a photo of what was in there. I near enough shat myself. Who wouldn’t?
Bob
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From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: No more
Are you saying to me serious that these people were inside a box of margarine? Do you think you talk to a child? I hope you can provide a proper reason for this or you are in bigger trouble than you would know.
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56 MI5 possibly? Who knows? I’m afraid I couldn’t bring myself to ask Bob about this one, fearing it would lead to some sort of metaphor about cupboards.
57 I did, however, ask Bob for clarification on this phrase, he said it is ‘street slang’. I hope that helps.
58 I imagine Bob is referring to an incident at the 1983 Labour Party conference in Blackpool. Neil Kinnock, the firebrand Labour leader, was walking along the town’s beach in full view of the press pack when he lost his footing on the pebbles. Kinnock fell backwards and, in his romantic reluctance to let go of his wife’s hand, took her down also. After a few seconds of clumsy squirming, the Kinnocks managed to clamber to their feet and energetically laugh off the mishap. Many commentators have suggested the incident helped lose Kinnock the following General Election, confirming the old adage that no-one wants a Prime Minister who can’t walk along a beach without falling over and dragging his wife down with him. Needless to say, Bob’s memory of Kinnock headbutting his wife at any stage of proceedings is entirely false.
59 This isn’t Bob’s house. In fact, it’s the imposing Edinburgh retreat of the much-imitated Scottish writer Irvine ‘Big Irv’ Welsh. This photo copyright © Scottish Celebrity Homes Magazine Ltd.
60 Sordid? Morbid?
61 Fort Knox, presumably. I’d like to think that Bob isn’t childish enough for this to be a deliberate error.
62 I presume Bob refers to the late American President John F. Kennedy. Karl Kennedy is a fictional character in the Australian soap opera Neighbours and therefore had no impact over, or indeed reaction to, the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis. Karl Kennedy has suffered great woes during nearly two decades on Neighbours, none more so than when his wife Susan (played with great composure by Jackie Woodburne) suffered the extremely rare affliction of retrograde amnesia and forgot her entire past. As can easily be imagined, this caused great strain on the Kennedys’ marriage, which had already been tested to the limit by Karl’s two extra-marital affairs: first his kissing of receptionist Sarah Beaumont and then his indulging in a torrid affair with femme fatale Isabelle ‘Issy’ Hoyland. Recently, the Kennedys have been placed under further trauma when their adopted son Zeke also suffered retrograde amnesia. The chances of two family members suffering retrograde amnesia are so infinitesimal that the family, understandably, reacted with absolute dismay.
63 See The Perth Advertiser, 18 May 2011: ‘Opening Hours Extension Rejected’. (‘Perth Town Council today rejected a motion that would have extended public house opening hours to 10 p.m. “This is not the Wild West,” said a council spokesman, “or some sort of rock and roll anything goes fiesta party place.”’).
64 In 1993 the BBC Radio DJ Dave Lee Travis resigned during a live broadcast in protest at the creative direction of Radio 1. He did not saw off his leg in the process and remains fully limbed at the time of writing (August 2011).
65 See The Dundee Evening Telegraph, 29 August 2010: ‘“Humbled” Schofield wins Rear of The Year again’.
66 Removed on legal advice. See The Dundee Courier, 14 May 1983: ‘Pet Shop Burnt To The Ground’.
18
Why Me? 3
From: Bob Servant
To: Rose
Subject: ‘Why Me?’
Rose,
Hope all’s well at your end. I’ve spoken to you a couple of times before about my book. Well, Rose, we’ve reached the end. The old horse has had one last run round the paddock and now we’re all on the bus to the glue factory. What I’m saying to you, Rose, is that the publishers are on my back like monkeys and the printer is sitting with his finger on the big button. I’m under the most awful pressure, Rose. I feel like Agatha Christie at a pub quiz.
I’d love to put our emails in the book, Rose. I think they’d really bring something to the party and also I’d like to use your light-hearted ‘Why Me?’ gag as the title. What do you think? Come on, Rose, get involved. You owe it to yourself.
Bob
----------------
From: Rose
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: ‘Why Me?’
NO
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Rose
Subject: re: ‘Why Me?’
Rose,
That’s fine. I have too much respect for you to ask again.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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NO REPLY
Acknowledgements
Thanks to – Hugh Andrew, Andrew Simmons and all at Birlinn, David Riding and all at MBA and Michael Munro for their roles in this book. A big ‘Dundee hello’ to Mum, Dad, Alan and Carol. And greetings, with just the right amount of respect, to my pals from Dundee and beyond. Have a drink on me.67 Finally, thanks from myself and Bob to the brave, honest people of Broughty Ferry (may your heads remain high). And now, I suppose, to Bob.
I found him sitting in Broughty Ferry’s celebrated Stewpot’s bar, engrossed in the letters page of the Dundee Evening Telegraph. Bob placed the newspaper down, tapped his finger on the letters page and said with a wink that it was ‘a good argument for laboratories’. Over the following, uncomfortable half an hour, which included an emotional ten minute conversation where I coaxed Bob back out of a toilet cubicle, it emerged that he had intended to say ‘lobotomies’.
From this unpromising start the conversation mended itself by me allowing Bob full reign. He opined at length on the government cutbacks which he seemed to believe had directly caused television advertising breaks to ‘double’ in length. ‘If that’s not irony what is?’ he asked while I desperately searched for an answer that wouldn’t have me back talking to a toilet door.
Bob reserved vitriol for the phone
hacking scandal, calling the offending journalists alternatively ‘maggots’ and ‘magpies’. He confessed that he had a personal sense of outrage having been ‘targeted’ by the Dundee Courier. His evidence was shaky at best – he had ‘heard someone on his roof a couple of times’ and ‘a strange Volvo’ had started to park on his road. Slightly more sinister was his story of hearing heavy breathing during a recent phone call, though I tactfully identified that Bob had been cutting his grass at the time and had been forced to run for the phone ‘like Alan Wells’.68
Bob suggested a walk. He led me to Broughty Ferry’s harbour where I brought up the Acknowledgements section in which you currently wallow.
Bob was mercilessly swift in providing the sole individual he wanted to thank in print.
‘Andre Agassi,’ shrugged Bob, ‘for showing me that it could be done.’ He delivered the line with enough certainty to silence my many questions.
The harbour at Broughty Ferry offers a sweeping view of the surroundings and I asked Bob about his unbreakable attachment with the area.
‘This used to be my playground,’ he said simply.
It was a whimsical, near poetic touch from Bob that I enjoyed until noticing that Bob was pointing at a children’s playground over the road. I asked if he had ever considered leaving the area.
‘When you have a nice hat,’ said Bob, ‘you only take it off to sleep.’
This was followed by an epic tale of a promotion in the Dundee Courier in the late 1980s. Bob gravely recalled collecting thirteen daily tokens in a row for a coach trip to the Lake District. Tragically, on the 14th andfi nal day of the promotion Bob did not buy a copy of the newspaper (‘Frank’s fault, let’s leave it at that’) and therefore missed out on the coach trip.
‘Little twists, eh?’ said Bob in conclusion.
He acted out a twisting action that clumsily mutated into the mimed opening of a wine bottle, followed by the mimed pouring and drinking of a glass of wine. Concerned that Bob was planning to drink the whole virtual bottle, I suggested that I walk him home. When we passed Frank’s house Bob coughed a couple of times and said that I ‘might as well’ add in the Acknowledgements that Frank is ‘all right’.