Why Me?
Page 16
Bob and Frank, I should reiterate, have known each other for over fifty years and the erosion that must have caused to Frank’s mental health is inconceivable. After only two months in the company of Bob and his emails I had sensed my grip on reality loosening by the day.69
Frank was, I suggested, Bob’s most trusted friend.
‘If he was a dog he’d have been put down,’ answered Bob, ‘and there have been lots of times that I’d have driven him to the vets. But, put it this way, I wouldn’t have watched them do it and I wouldn’t have bought another dog.’
I observed that Frank’s great strength is surely his loyalty and Bob nodded in agreement.
‘He’s my Ginger Roger,’ he said.
‘Ginger Rogers,’ I corrected.
‘No, Ginger Roger,’ confirmed Bob, before clarifying that he referred to a red-haired man from Lochee who is locally accepted in Dundee as being especially loyal.
We arrived at the gate to Bob’s personable house. A building bought and crudely extended with the proceeds of thousands, if not millions, of cheeseburgers. I asked, with some trepidation, of Bob’s future plans, aware that I seem to be inextricably part of whatever they may be. I hinted at his thinning years and he replied with a fable involving a jam jar. There was something about the amount of jam being left in a jar, coupled with the quality of the jam and then, most cryptically of all, the tightness of the jar’s lid.
‘Let me tell you something,’ said Bob. ‘Dean Martin used to sleep with a ham sandwich beside his bed made out of the best ham in town. He never ate it because he didn’t like ham. Someone asked him once why he slept next to a ham sandwich when he didn’t like ham and you know what he said? He said, “Because I can.” Do you see,’ asked Bob, ‘what I mean?’
‘Yes,’ I lied.
Bob shook my hand and walked grandly up his path. He paused, spun round and shouted, ‘Which one was “Blue Eyes”, “Old Blue Eyes”?’
‘Frank Sinatra,’ I called back.
‘That’s who I meant,’ Bob shouted urgently. ‘It was Frank Sinatra with the ham sandwich. Change it to that and stick it in the book.’
So that’s it, my last note as editor. It was Frank Sinatra with the ham sandwich.
67 Get a receipt, single house spirits and basic lager only. One per applicant.
68 Wells, Alan (1952–). Popular Scottish sprinter who defied the odds to win gold at the 1980 Moscow Olympic Games. See The Dundee Courier, 26 July 1980: ‘Brave Scot Ends Communism’.
69 On that note may I take this late opportunity to clarify that, as far as I am aware, Sir Trevor McDonald has never committed murder. Furthermore, former BBC newsreaders Nicholas Witchell and Moira Stewart have never assisted McDonald in the disposal of a corpse. However, with regard to the suggestion that former Crimewatch presenter Nick Owen buried the body of a homeless man at sea please refer to page 164 of Don’t Have Nightmares, Do Sleep Well – The Nick Owen Story (Foreword by Sir Trevor McDonald).
Delete This at Your Peril
The Bob Servant Emails
Neil Forsyth
Anti-hero of spam Bob Servant takers on internet fraudsters at their own game in this hilarious compendium of genuine email exchanges. As they entice him with lost African millions, Russian brides and get-rich-quick scams, Bob responds by generously offering some outlandish schemes of his own. The spammers may have breached his firewall, but they have met their match as the former window cleaner and cheeseburger magnate rises heroically to the challenge and sows confusion in his wake.
‘A very, very funny book’
Irvine Welsh
‘A living, breathing creation of comic genius’
Bookbag
‘Genius! Highly entertaining and brilliantly deranged’
Maxim
‘Reminds me how good comic writing can be’
Scotland on Sunday
978 1 84158 919 0 £6.99
Bob Servant – Hero of Dundee
Neil Forsyth
Cyber hero Bob Servant became a cult classic in the bestselling Delete This at Your Peril. This much-anticipated sequel tells the life story of one of Scotland’s unsung heroes. From his days in the Merchant Navy, to his creation of a record-breaking window-cleaning round and his time as a cheeseburger magnate, Bob Servant has lived life to its fullest. With touching bravery he takes the reader on a fearless romp through the hilarious, whimsical and impassioned memories that surely make him the undisputed Hero of Dundee.
‘Hilarious. Full of sly Scottish humour’ Martin Kelner
‘There’s stuff here that Chic Murray would have been proud of’ Sanjeev Kohli
‘Crackingly funny . . . There’s a laugh on every page’
The Herald
978 1 84158 920 6 £6.99