by Gail Haris
Knock. Knock.
Slowly, I roll out of bed and waddle to the door. I crack it open to find a smiling Jonah. “Howdy partner,” he drawls.
I start to shut the door back in his face, but he sticks his foot out laughing. I smile and open the door wide to allow him in. “Don’t ever do that again, or I won’t let you in next time.” I go back to my bed and plop down.
“Partners-in-crime, then? Next time, I’ll go for more of a mafia gangster vibe.” I throw a pillow at him and call him a goofball. “But I make you laugh, so I think, really, you love it.”
I feign annoyance with him. “Grab your textbook and come sit.”
We’ve been studying for twenty-minutes when there’s another knock at my door. I go to the door and swing it open to find Bexley. She takes one look at me and frowns. “You forgot, didn’t you?”
“I forgot? I forgot! Oh, Bexley, I’m so sorry.” I’d completely forgotten that I’d told her last time in class we would go out to the movies tonight.
“It’s fine, Chicka. We still have time to catch the movie. I could just tell by how surprised you were to see me that you’d forgotten.”
I open my door wider, inviting her in. She looks at Jonah and then back to me. In a lowered voice, she asks, “Is he your baby daddy?”
Jonah clearly hears her because he calls out, “I am her partner, though.”
I frown at him. “Not funny. He’s my partner in class. Jonah, this is Bexley. Bexley, this is Jonah.”
Bexley looks at the photos Alice has hung around. “Who is this? Good heavens, actually, every person in this photo is gorgeous. Are they real or is this the family photo that comes with the frame?”
I laugh. “That’s Alice’s family. The Randalls.”
“Where did you come from again? Stepford?”
I bite my bottom lip and point to Trent. “That’s my baby’s father.”
Her eyes go wide, and she grabs my shoulder. “You slept with him? Complicated my ass. There’s no way I’d let him get away. In fact, I’d be calling him, Daddy, too.”
“Let’s go to the movies.”
Bexley shrugs. “Why go pay money when we’ve got all this entertainment for free?”
I ignore her and ask Jonah if he wants to go with us.
“Sure. I’d love to go.”
Bexley raises her eyebrows at me and grins. “And so, the plot thickens.”
I’m so sleepy this morning, sitting at the REC front desk. I really shouldn’t have gone to the movies last night, but it was so nice to go out with friends again. I’m trying to stay busy to keep awake. I’ve already finished any homework I was behind on and even worked ahead on some stuff. The same guys have already walked in. My eyes struggle to focus as I listen to the steady sound of feet running on a treadmill.
“Looks like I came just in time.” I open my eyes wider to find Trent, standing in front of me with a cup of coffee.
“Is that for me?”
“Yep. Extra sugar and cream.”
“Think it’s okay for the baby?” Quickly, I pick up my phone prepared to Google, if I’m allowed to have coffee.
Trent laughs. “I’m sure one cup isn’t going to hurt.”
“Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
He doesn’t say any more and walks over to the weights. I’m sure Alice is keeping him updated about our little dragonfly and me. I wonder if Alice has also been filling Trent in on Jonah. He has been texting me and finding reasons to get together again. He claims it’s strictly for our class project, but we only spend a few minutes discussing it. He’ll literally talk about any topic for the sake of conversation. I don’t mind, because he always leaves me in a better mood.
I sip the coffee and sigh in relief. I’m honestly not sure how much longer I can keep this up. With the jobs and the guys.
I’m still dragging as I walk to my next class. I hear a couple arguing but don’t pay any attention to them until I hear the names Trent and Maggie being tossed around. Scanning the campus, I finally spot Parker and Maggie standing toe to toe under a huge oak tree. She begins crying, but he throws his hands up and jogs away. Very dramatic exit. Maggie’s chin tips down, but as if being pulled by invisible strings, she straightens her back, squares her shoulders, and then walks with her head held high. I wonder what all that was about? More than anything, I wonder what she was saying about Trent.
Alice walks through the door with a take-out bag. My mouth waters, as soon as I inhale the delicious aroma of peppers and spices.
“Gawd, I love you! Please say two of those boxes are for me?”
She looks down at her clear bag that has “Thank You” in bright red letters scrolled over the center of it. Through the clear bag, I can make out three boxes, and I’m starving. One box for me. One box for baby. One box for Alice. Makes sense. She clears her throat. Not a good sign. Before she can speak, the door opens. There, standing in the doorway, in all his six-foot glory is Trent. Alice clears her throat again and then rushes to say, “Two boxes are for you. One is for him. I’m leaving now.” She sits the bag down on her desk and grabs her duffel bag with all her soccer gear.
She scurries toward the door, as I yell out, “Coward!”
Trent steps farther into the room. He places his hands on his lean hips and glares at me. “You can kick me out, but at least let me say my piece, first.”
I narrow my eyes. “I’m well aware of my right to kick you out. This is my dorm room. Alice just left, so the entire room is mine at the moment.” Before he sits down, I hold up a hand. “Wait.” I nod toward the bag of food. “Hand me my food, first.” A little more sweetly I say, “Please?”
He picks up the boxes and brings them over to me. Then he walks back over to grab silverware, a bottle of water and a few napkins. I open my container and begin eating my bean burrito that’s smothered in cheese and salsa. I feel my little dragonfly begin to kick. The movements are no longer simple flutters. Determining if it’s a kick or punch is definitely easier now.
“Is he moving?”
“Yes.” I stick another generous size bite into my mouth, not meeting his eyes.
“You get a certain look that crosses your face when the baby moves. I can’t really explain it. I noticed you did it at the doctor’s office. You did it just now, that’s why I figured the baby moved.” He clears his throat. “I’m rambling, sorry. I’m nervous.” He takes a bite of rice and continues to stare at me as he swallows. His eyes soften and a ghost of a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “You look so beautiful. You always look beautiful, but now, you’ve got this glow. You’re undoubtedly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” He clears his throat again and goes back to focusing on his food. I do the same.
When my cardboard container is empty, I begin to rise from the bed, but Trent stands and hurries to take both of our empty containers to the trash. Before he sits back down, he reaches in his back pocket and pulls out a folded piece of beige paper. He glances nervously, back and forth, between me and the beige paper, as he unfolds it. Trent hands me the paper and scratches his left temple with his other hand. Curious, I accept the paper and immediately recognize what it is.
Lumberton Junior High Music Department
Presents
The Annual Spring Concert
Kulp Auditorium April 19, 2008 7:00 PM
I open the program, which is only a standard letter-size folded page. I remember this day like it was yesterday.
“I was so nervous. My sweaty palms wouldn’t stop shaking. The lights were so hot and bright on the stage that I couldn’t even see the audience. I was so anxious that day that I don’t think I would have seen their faces anyway.”
“Yet, your voice was strong and steady, when you sang your solo. You sounded…incredible.”
A solo. My first solo. I had landed one of the only two solos available for the spring concert. I run my fingers over my name printed in black ink on the program. The Randall family had been there, along with my family,
to congratulate me. I was grateful Landon hadn’t told me that Trent was there before I went on stage; otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it through my performance.
“Did your mom find this? That’s sweet she kept it. Or was it…Lan-”
“It’s my copy. I’m sure she has a copy as well, he probably did, too, but this one is mine.”
Stunned, I quickly look back down to the worn-paper program and read over the names again. Trying to find any name that might’ve been of significance to him at that time.
“W-why?”
He taps the page in my hand with a single finger. “The first time I heard you sing, my heart stopped. It was the most beautiful sound my ears had ever heard. I wanted to hear you sing again, just to make sure I hadn’t imagined how beautiful it was. I’ve been to every single one of your choir concerts.” He reaches forward and cups my cheek. “I lose all sense of control when I’m with you. I can’t resist you. You consume all my senses. The sound of your voice, your beauty, your smell, your warm body, and my god, the taste of kissing you. I know you don’t believe me. I don’t blame you since I kept going back and forth on us. Landon told me I didn’t have enough sense to make my way out of a paper bag, and he was right. He warned me that you’d come to your senses and not want me anymore. I pray that it’s not too late, and you haven’t.”
I don’t know what to say. A few emotional tears streak down my face. These pregnancy hormones, along with my Trent-induced hormones, are making me a mess. I refuse to start crying again. As I’m trying to get my emotions in check, there’s a knock at the door.
“Want me to answer that for you?” He looks over at the door when another knock sounds. I nod and continue to stare at the program from my junior high school choir. I’m lost in my own thoughts when I hear my name. I look up. Jonah.
He calls my name again and tilts his head. I watch as a look of anger crosses his features. His startling blue eyes turn icy, and then he shoves Trent’s broad shoulder and charges past him to get to me.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” His voice is dripping with venom.
Confusion washes over me, and I look to Trent, who appears to be, equally, confused. Jonah continues, “You’re crying. The last time I found you like this was because his psycho-ex trapped and attacked you in an elevator. I find it alarming and unsettling that every time you’re crying, he’s somehow connected. You can’t deny there’s a pattern.”
Trent crosses his strong arms and towers over Jonah. “And I find it alarming and unsettling how interested you are in my girlfriend. What’s your deal, buddy?”
His girlfriend? What’s happening? They bump chests, so I stand up and get between them. “Both of you stop it.” They keep snarling at each other. “I’ve got to go to work. You both need to leave.”
Jonah places his hands on my shoulders. “I’m sorry.”
I see Trent’s eyes widen, and his jaw harden. I look back at Jonah to tell him I’m fine when I hear my door shut and raise my head to find the room empty, except for the two of us. “Trent! Let go, I need to go get Trent. Trent!”
Jonah holds on to me, not allowing me to move. “Let him go. You’re upset. Calm down and then call him.”
“I’ve really got to go.”
Jonah picks up the program. “Rachel, this guy and your whole relationship seems a little toxic.”
I explain to him what Trent had said. He isn’t as moved by his revelation as I am. “You’re sure his mom didn’t have this, or he didn’t find it in Landon’s room? Maybe his mom found it and suggested he give it to you. I don’t know the guy, but from what you’ve said and from what I’ve witnessed myself…” He pauses and looks away. “Never mind. Believe what you want. I could be wrong anyway. I hope I am.” He sighs and hands the program back to me, without meeting my eyes. “I just don’t want to find you in tears again, unless they’re tears of happiness.”
“Thank you. You’re becoming a great friend. Walk me out?”
The door creaks open, and Alice peeks her head through. When she finds Jonah, instead of Trent, she pushes the door the rest of the way open. “I don’t understand.” She stares at me with a hurt expression. “Why’s he here?”
Jonah gives me a sheepish look. “I should probably go.”
Alice holds a hand up. “No. Please stay and explain what’s going on. Where’s Trent?”
“He left,” I clip.
Alice gives me a blank expression. “Trent’s trying. He really cares about you. Plus, he wants to be responsible and do what’s right.”
I feel tears beginning to burn my eyes. “Alice, I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up. Trent was here, and then he just walked out.”
Jonah wraps his arm around me and whispers for me to calm down.
“Does he love you?” She waves her hand angrily indicating Jonah. “Is that why he’s over here all the time? How can Trent try to mend things between you two, if there’s a third party always present?” Alice pleads for me to understand. “He does love you. That’s why he couldn’t stay away from you. You’re not giving him a chance to be with you because you’re too scared.” Her eyes turn hard as she glares at Jonah. “Do you love her?”
My voice breaks, as I speak, “Alice. What’s gotten into you? Stop. Leave Jonah out of this. I barely know him. You’re talking crazy.”
She cuts her eyes back to me. “If he doesn’t want to be a part of this, then maybe he needs to give you room for someone who does.”
Jonah removes his arm, and I feel cold. My heart breaks, as I’m sure that’s a sign he’s about to leave and, this time, for good. It’s silly for me to be so upset at the thought of him leaving, considering that we’re not in a relationship. I’ve known him only a short period of time, but he’s made an impression. He slowly walks toward Alice. I won’t call him back because that wouldn’t be fair. Maybe if I wasn’t still so conflicted over Trent and it wasn’t so complicated with carrying his baby, I could’ve been with Jonah.
He stops in front of Alice. “I’d probably be better for her than your brother.” He walks past Alice and opens the door. He looks at me over his shoulder. “Call me, if you need me.” He closes the door behind him.
Alice stares back at me with tear streaked eyes. “Please tell me what’s going on? I thought you wanted to be with Trent. I don’t understand, Rachel.”
“I don’t understand either. All I know is that so much time has passed and so much drama has occurred.” Her mouth opens, but I hold up my hand. “I’m really confused. Alice,” my voice breaks, “I love him, but why is this so hard? Why is everything so messed up right now?”
Her lips form a thin line as she fights back her own tears, and she rushes over to me with open arms. She embraces me in a tight hug and whispers apologies in my ear. We both begin crying. When we finally separate and wipe our eyes, we look at each other and laugh. She shakes her head and chuckles. “We’re a mess.”
I lift a shoulder and smile. “At least we’re a hot mess.”
She nods. “At least there’s that. We’re bound to have something going for us, right?”
Once we’ve calmed down from our delirious fit of giggles, I remember what Jonah had said. “Alice, I think Jonah only meant he’d be there for me as a friend. You know, to step in if Trent wasn’t around. I’m sure he only sees me as a friend.”
“Did you miss the lovesick puppy expression he always has around you?”
I gesture to my body. “Look at me. What young attractive guy, in his right mind, is biting at the bit for this?”
“A smart one. Any guy would be lucky to have you. Jonah can see it. And so does Trent. He really does want to be with you for you. It’s not only because of the baby.” She wipes her eyes again. “Okay, enough. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how you were feeling. And I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. It’s not fair for me to judge or throw criticism at you. Let’s stop talking about those stupid guys. We haven’t had girl time in a while. Come on. Let’s go ou
t.”
My heart sinks. “I can’t. I have to get to work. I’ve got to hurry, or I’ll be late.” She frowns, so I ask, “How does dining in the cafeteria sound?”
Alice wraps an arm around me. “Sounds delicious.”
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
Alice hangs around the cafeteria until my shift is over. We eat, and then go back to the room to spend the rest of the night in happy tears, either from laughing or Alice’s wonderful words of encouragement. Jonah was right. The only tears from here on out should be happy. I don’t need a guy for that. I’ve got a best friend who gives me plenty of happy tears.
My phone rings, and I look down to see it’s my mom. It’s been a little over two months since we’ve talked.
“Hello.”
“Hello, Rachel, sweetie. Dad and I wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday. You’re officially all grown up.”
“Thank you. I’m glad you called.”
“Do you have any big plans?”
“Not really. Alice and I might go out to eat.”
“Oh, well, that sounds nice. Where?”
“That’s still undecided. How have you and Dad been?”
“We’re fine, Honey. How…” She pauses. “How have you been? Feeling okay? Everyone healthy?”
“Yes. Me and baby boy are good.”
“A boy,” she whispers. “Have you thought about names?”
“No.” I feel tears. Even though this conversation is going well, it feels strained. “Well, it was good to hear from you, Mom. I’ve gotta go.”
“Rachel?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you really doing okay? Need anything?”
“I’m good, Mom. Really. Tell Dad I said hi.”
“I will.”
“Bye.”
“Bye, Sweetie.”
I release the breath I was holding. Why does it feel like everything is out of control? I walk over to the mirror and stare at my reflection. I run my fingers through my thick, long brown hair. I’m in my sixth month, and I’ve been trying to find clothing that still fits but that also disguises my growing body. I’m just unhappy with my appearance, overall. I look over at my desk and see the light reflecting off the metal of my scissors. With determined steps, I walk over and snatch them off my desk. Standing back in front of my mirror, I grab a handful of my hair and hold it out. The satisfaction that courses through me with each snip of the scissors is euphoric. I cut and cut. The sound of my hair being cut, as the metal slides together, is the best sound I’ve heard all day. When I finish, I stare at myself in the mirror. My once long hair, that was past my shoulders, is now just a little past my chin. I smile. I needed a change.