Breathe

by Lila Kane

  He lifted his eyebrows at me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Just trying a little early morning humor.” I rubbed my hand over my eyes. “It’s not working so well.”

  “It’s not so early either,” Finn said.

  I winced. He was right. It was nearly 10:00 and I was still in my pajamas. This wasn’t unusual of the old Charlotte, or the old Finn. But staying in your pajamas with someone else was different.

  I missed those days.

  “How about a little of everything?” Finn started scooping items on the plate. Heaping spoonfuls like I hadn’t eaten in months. He had to use a separate plate for the pancakes because they wouldn’t fit.

  “Finn,” I started.

  But when he looked over, so hopeful and so…open, I couldn’t say anything about it. Instead, I said, “I can’t believe I had all this in my kitchen.”

  He flashed me a smile before setting down the plate. “Not all of it.”

  “What?”

  “My housekeeper brought a few things when she brought my bag. But I swear I cooked all the food myself.”

  “You’d better eat some of the food yourself, too, or this is all going to be wasted.”

  He obliged by getting another plate before sitting next to me at the counter. I swiveled in my seat, taking in the clear blue sky outside and reminding myself that this was Saturday. I had the whole day. It might do me some good to get out.

  Unease flickered in the pit of my stomach. What if Mark was out there? What if…?

  Finn nudged my elbow and I almost dropped my fork. “What?” I asked. “Did you say something?”

  He frowned. “Charlotte. I think—”

  “We should eat.” I forced a smile. “Before it gets cold.”

  Finn was about as enthusiastic about his breakfast as I was about mine. When his phone rang, I nearly jumped out of my seat. He reached out to steady me and then seemed to think better of it. He stood instead.

  “Sorry, I need to get this,” he said.

  I nodded and focused on my plate. He stood in front of the window, eyes taking in the view. Far less impressive than his, but still nice. “An hour will be perfect,” he said. “Not far, but we’ll need you on hand just in case.”

  When he hung up and returned to the seat next to me, I pointed at him with my fork. “See? You should have gone home. You have things to do.”

  “We have things to do.” He used his fork to point at me. “So eat up.”

  I straightened in my seat. “What do you mean? I was planning…”

  “What?” He ate a bite of pancakes. “Staying in? Going out? Shopping? Whatever you want.”

  “I didn’t—I don’t—” I got up. Making plans with Finn was…like old times again. Like a relationship. That thrilled me and terrified me at the same time. “I’m not sure what I was going to do. Maybe go for a walk.”

  “Perfect,” he said. “We’ll do that. I have a driver coming. He can take us—”

  “Finn.” I shoved my hands in my hair as I felt my control slipping. This was always what Mark used to do. Make plans without me, expect me to be there. Expect me to be ready. I hardly ever had a choice. “This isn’t working.”

  He turned in his chair and watched me as I made a loop around the coffee table. “Talk to me.”

  I glanced up before making another loop. “You should really just…do what you need to do today. And I’ll see you at work on Monday.”

  He didn’t answer. I made another loop, and when I arrived on the other side of the coffee table, he was there, blocking my path.

  “Finn,” I warned.

  He held up his hands. “I just want to talk. I’m not—” He broke off, choosing his words carefully. “I felt like we were making progress.”

  “We were. We are. I feel like…I can trust you. Which means, I believe you won’t box me in when I ask you not to.” I propped my hands on my hips. “I’m asking you not to.”

  “I think you’re shutting me out because you’re scared.”

  I backed up and paced the other way, heading to the island this time and circling it. “I’m trying to live my life here. Make my own way. I’m…you’re distracting me.”

  When I glanced over, he looked amused.

  “It’s not funny,” I said. “I need to focus.”

  “You’re the most focused person I know.”

  “Besides you.”

  He smiled. “Things change, Charlotte. Come play with me this afternoon. I know you want to.”

  I swallowed and circled the counter again.

  “Tell me what’s wrong. It’ll be easier than trying to read your mind,” he said.

  I glared at him, and then pressed my hands over my face because he was right. He had no idea what went on with Mark. I shouldn’t expect him to know the problem, especially if I wasn’t being open with it.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, meeting his eyes over the island. “You’re right. I’m just…you made plans for us today and didn’t even ask me. And that’s what—that’s how it used to be—and…”

  Understanding flashed in his eyes.

  “That’s not what I meant to do at all,” Finn began.

  I turned, walking back to the living room. He followed me. “I know,” I said over my shoulder. “But that’s not…I can’t do that again. I won’t.”

  “Charlotte, stop for a minute.” When I didn’t slow down, he said, “Please.”

  I stopped in front of the window. A sliver of blue lined the horizon today. It had to be the ocean. Not the chilly and choppy waters I’d just left, but warm southern California waters. Surfers and sand and bikinis and heat.

  Finn stopped next to me, following my gaze. “I understand where you’re coming from. I thought it would be nice to get out, but I should have asked you first.”

  I touched my hand to the glass, the cool pane calming me. “Yes, you should have.”

  “So, will you go somewhere with me this afternoon? Get out of Oasis and relax? Maybe talk a little—”

  “We might have to negotiate on the talking part,” I told him because I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about.

  His jaw shifted when he turned to face me. He had his negotiation face on but he decided to save it for later. “That’s fine.”

  “Is it?” I asked, turning as well.

  He stood close enough our feet almost touched, close enough I could feel his body vibrating with energy. Finn was so alive, so full confidence and drive and everything I wanted to be. Despite hating him in the past for hurting me, despite the things we could never see eye to eye on, I’d always admired Finn for going for what he wanted.

  “It’ll have to be if I want you,” Finn said, his voice low.

  His eyes dipped to my lips as a thrill shot through me with his words. Finn definitely knew what he wanted and he was going for it. I wondered how long that would last, though, when he found out how truly fucked up I was.

  “You’re uh…maybe a little too ambitious for your own good,” I whispered.

  Finn’s eyes lit with laughter. “I think it’ll serve me well in this case.”

  A smile curved my lips just before he leaned in. His mouth met mine, catching my breath and leaving me speechless. My shoulder blades touched the window, and then all of me was pressed against the surface.

  I matched Finn’s kiss with the same heat, glad for a moment to have something else to think about. This didn’t have to be complicated. A relationship, our friendship even…that was complicated. But a kiss…that was heaven.

  Finn’s hand traced my shoulder, all the way down to my hip. I slid a few inches down the glass as my knees got wobbly. A jolt of desire shot straight through me. I could do it right now. Lose all my inhibitions and let him take me. I wanted it. More than I thought it would.

  But, as always, reality kicked in.

  “I thought…we were going somewhere,” I breathed, my eyelids flickering.

  He grunted something I couldn’t make out but pulled his mouth
from mine. He propped one hand on the glass above my shoulder and touched my cheek.

  “You’re right. If I keep going like this, we’re never going to get out of here. Which wouldn’t be a problem for me…”

  I focused, giving him a smile and surprising myself when I said, “I want to go somewhere. I want to get out.” And I really meant it.

  Finn straightened. His eyes warmed when they met mine. “Okay. Where would you like to go?”

  “The beach.”

  “That was fast.” He nodded. “Sounds good. Our car will be ready in forty-five minutes.”

  “Then I’d better hurry.”

  “Wait.” Finn caught me around the waist before I could make it too far. “One more.”

  His mouth closed over mine, tongue sliding the length of my lips to get me to open. Then his breath tickled my cheek when he said, “Please tell me you have a bikini.”

  I blinked and then laughed. “No. I didn’t bring one.”

  “We’ll find a store on the way there.”

  Giving him a shove, I darted to the bedroom, giggling when I heard him behind me. “No time!” I shouted.

  “Short shorts will do. And a really skimpy top,” he added, following me into the bedroom. He grinned wickedly. “I’ll help you pick something out.”

  I pointed to the door. “You have to get ready, too. Go home. Grab what you need.”

  He stopped, leaning against the frame with a frown. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

  “I’ll be fine for an hour. Do what you need to do and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  He looked like he was ready to argue again, but I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’ll meet you back here. Pick you up on my way down. Compromise,” he said before I could answer. “And forty-five minutes.”

  I nodded. “Good. Fine. Now go.”

  His lips curved and he turned. “Short shorts,” I heard him murmur before he vanished. The front door opened and shut and I was alone.

  I was surprised to find our driver was Dustin from security in the Commons. He smiled at me and shut my door, and I turned to Finn with my eyebrows lifted.

  “What?” he asked, taking my hand. “I use a driver a lot. Keeps my hands free for other things.”

  I kept a straight face. “But this driver?”

  “It was short notice,” Finn explained as Dustin got in the driver’s seat. “It was a precaution and I didn’t have time to talk to you about it.”

  Unwilling to be rude to Dustin, I closed my mouth as he pulled away from the curb and the building. A precaution. I wasn’t used to precautions like this. I had done what I’d needed to in order to stay away from Mark. After a while, he’d left me alone, and I hadn’t heard from him since. So if Mark was behind the flower and the incident in the locker room, it made sense to stay out of it. To ignore it. He thrived off attention and if we didn’t give it to him, he’d go away.

  Finn squeezed my hand and I glanced up at him but turned my attention to the window almost immediately. How did I get Finn to understand it was best to let me handle this? I’d cut my family out of my life because of this.

  If I’d told them, they might have gotten hurt and I wasn’t willing to risk that. Until I was sure they were safe, I wasn’t going to get in touch with them.

  When the ocean came into view, I relaxed a little. Dustin had taken us to the boardwalk, which was littered with bodies and colors, and just the kind of thing I needed. Energy. People. Something to take my mind off last week.

  To my surprise, Dustin didn’t stay with the car but instead followed behind us as we strolled along the boardwalk in our casual summer clothes. Finn held my hand, taking his time as I stopped at a kiosk to look at some beach bags.

  Dustin kept his distance, blending in a little less with his slacks and button-up shirt.

  “This is a little more than a precaution,” I told Finn.

  My face reflected in his sunglasses, looking pale and worn. I hated that this was eating me up, but I couldn’t help it. Giving it more credit than it was worth made it even harder to forget about it.

  “Listen,” Finn said, “twice in the same day something happened—”

  “But we don’t even know—”

  “And the gym the day before. There’s this little hidden piece of your past you won’t share with me, but the way you cringe when you’re not expecting me to get close, or how you look at me sometimes like I might take my anger out on you…Charlotte, I can guess a lot of it. I think I’ve been pretty laidback about the whole thing considering I’d like to rip Mark’s fucking head off, but I’ve kept my distance. So, yes, we’re damned well going to be cautious and it’s for good reason. And before this goes much further, I’m going to need you to be honest with me so we can deal with this for good.”

  My mouth filled up with words. Words of anger, of surprise, of defense. All of them jammed to the back of my throat. But mostly…mostly I was pissed off that Finn had the gall to grab onto this and run with it like it was his issue.

  I calmly set down the bag I’d been looking at and stared into Finn’s sunglasses. “This is not your problem. This is something you forced your way into because that’s what you do. You get involved, even when you’re not welcome. I didn’t ask you to deal with this and—”

  “Charlotte, that’s not what’s happening—”

  “No, don’t you dare try to argue with me. I tried to keep this from you because I know how to deal with it. And because I know you, Finn. You try to take over.”

  “It’s because—”

  “I don’t care! I don’t care right now because all I can think of is how angry I am at you, and how pissed off I am at letting myself get in this position again.” I turned in the other direction and immediately felt Finn’s hand on my arm. When I whipped back around, he appealed to me with his eyes, but I shook my head. “Don’t you dare touch me like that.”

  His fingers fell away and he held up his hands. “I’m sorry, you’re right. But you need to stay close.”

  “I need a minute to breathe, Finn! I can’t—” I pressed a hand to my chest, feeling that familiar clog of air. That ache that meant I wasn’t dealing with the stress well.

  “Okay.” Finn grabbed one of the beach blankets from the kiosk and pushed it in my arms. He pulled out his wallet and shoved a large bill at the man standing by the register, but addressed me. “Take this out to the sand. Sit, relax. I’ll give you space. But I’m not leaving you here by yourself.”

  I curled my arms around the blanket and found the nearest staircase. It led me to the sand, and the moment I stepped on it, I pulled off my shoes. The sun beat down on me but it felt so good, I tilted my face to the sky. There were a lot of bodies out on the hot sand, but I found a spot several feet back from the water, where I could see the waves and the surfers and where I could see Finn standing on the pier talking to Dustin.

  Sitting on the soft blanket, I stared. Watched people, happy people and families, milling around or lounging and relaxing. Some ran down to the water and then gasped when it splashed their legs. Some had no idea there was a woman sitting feet from them who was dangerously close to running again.

  Dangerously close to losing her composure.

  I didn’t know how to do this any other way. If I stopped running, if I stood up to Mark, I needed it to be on my terms. I needed to be in control. Or what else did I have?

  Leaning back on the blanket, I covered my eyes with my arm and blew out a long, slow breath. Things were moving way too fast. I thought I’d have time to adjust. And once adjusted, I thought I’d have time to live like a normal person.

  But then Finn was there and the locker room and the rose. It was too much. Maybe it was time to…try to talk to Mark. To see if he really was doing these things. If I could get him to admit it, I might be able to take another step. But what about my family? What about Finn?

  I shuddered at the idea.

  Maybe…I should talk to Finn. He’d know what to do. But then what? He’d tak
e over. He’d leave me out of the loop. Something might happen to someone I cared about.

  Something touched my arm, and I yelped, jerking to a sitting position. Finn’s eyes went wide. “Charlotte,” he said, voice filled with concern. “I thought you heard me.”

  “I…” My heart thumped out of control. My eyes stung, and I shook my head.

  “I know you probably want more time, but I thought you might need something for the sun,” he said. He pulled a whole bag of items into his lap and started taking them out. The hat was oversized and ridiculous and it made me smile. He also had a Frisbee, more sunblock, a few bottles of water, towels, and a little red bikini that had me laughing.

  “I could put up the umbrella if you want,” Finn said, and I launched myself into his arms. “Hey—” He rocked backward, but caught his balance and folded me in his embrace. “Charlotte—what?”

  “God, there’s something wrong with me, Finn,” I said in a rush of breath. “I’m Jekyll and Hyde, I swear. I’m sorry—you just…” With my arms wrapped around his neck, I said, “This isn’t going to be good.”

  He settled me in his lap, shoving all the items except for the hat aside. He plopped it on my head. It made me smile for a minute, but the smile faded when he asked, “What isn’t going to be good?”

  “Us. You and me. I’ve got too much baggage.”

  His eyes searched mine. “You know that line isn’t going to work on me. I’ve got baggage, too. That’s what I’m trying to work through here.”

  “I mean…I need to focus. I can’t do what I need to do with you in the picture.”

  He squeezed his arms around me. “Then let me help. Let me take some of that burden.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Try.”

  “Finn.” I tried to squirm from his lap, but he held tight. “You can’t fix this problem. It’s…God, it’s too big.”

  “Listen,” Finn said. “I can give you space if you need it, and I can try to control stepping on your toes, but there’s no way I’m going to stand back and let someone bother you.” He shook his head when I tried to interrupt. “No. Charlotte, you shouldn’t have to take this on alone.”

  I breathed in and out, trying to see his side. Trying to see it any other way besides how scared this had made me the last few years and how I needed to keep it all to myself.