Not Another Vampire Book

by Cassandra Gannon

  She glowered at Fibos’ back. “Did you ever see The Shawshank Redemption?”

  He ignored that. “That’s it, just up ahead.” He pointed to the cell at the end of the hall. It looked different than the others, its bars shimmering like gold dust. They must be supernaturally enforced somehow. Tanya didn’t really have another way to signify magical crap. It all kinda glittered.

  “Slade?” Kara called as loud as she dared. “Are you in there?”

  “Witch!” Slade’s voice boomed from inside the darkened depths of the cage. “Thank God you’ve come for me! I’m chained to the wall. Hurry! I’ve been bruised!”

  Karalynn peered in at him. Sure enough, SuperVamp was strapped to the far wall with gilded ropes, his tank sized arms pulls up over his head. For some reason, which Kara didn’t really want to speculate on, he was also shirtless.

  “Oh, my mighty king!” Melessa pushed forward, all but shoving Kara out of the way. Her china doll face pressed up against the bars, trying to spot her ‘1 twu luv’. “Tis, I! Lady Melessa Fairrose. Your real Eternal-One, come to save you!”

  A long dramatic pause, then: “Melessa!” Slade absorbed and adapted to the plot twist in record time. No doubt Mel’s almost nonexistent neckline had a lot to do with his sudden firm belief that she was his predestined bride. He stepped closer to her as far as his bindings would allow. “Finally, I have found you! Oh, how I have long dreamed of this moment.” He paused, his face turning away. “But, you should not have come, my treasure. It is far too dangerous for a delicate girl, such as you. You should have allowed the Witch to rescue me alone.”

  Kara tilted her head back and counted to ten.

  “Oh, Slade!” Melessa clasped a hand to her chest in a move specifically designed to draw attention to her décolletage. “How could I not come rushing to your side in your hour of need?” She paused, her eyebrows drawing together. “Plus, your toad of cousin has taken over our castle.”

  “Worry not, my heart. I shall save our magnificent home from that stable boy.” Slade smiled. “You must stay safe, precious darling, and allow the Witch and I to slay To’kel alone. Remember, you are but a flower caught in a storm.”

  Annnnd that was about all Kara could stand. “Fibos, can you get him out of there?” She asked, before she did the literary world a favor and gagged both of the star-crossed imbeciles.

  “Yes, immediately.” The Vampire sidekick sounded weepy with emotion. “It is so good to see you again, your majesty.” He breathed reverently as the four other Vamps bowed at their king.

  “Of course it is.” Slade agreed, with characteristic Slade modesty. “Now hurry and free me.”

  That was easier said than done, what with the glowy magic bars blocking their path. One of the Vampires had stolen a huge ring full of keys from someplace and they began trying them one at a time. One at a painstaking, super slow, they-were-totally-gonna-get-caught time. Kara really missed Damien. With his powers, he could get through the damn lock in about three seconds. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind. Without him, this was going to take a while. She puffed out a breath and glanced down at her watch.

  Right.

  Kara impatiently dug the manuscript out of the depths of her purse. Chapter seventeen should have started by now and she needed to know where they were supposed to be heading here. She flipped the pages back, tilting the novel so she could read the print by the light of the nearest torch.

  Let’s see… Last chapter, poor Damien had been captured by that dunderhead Slade, in a fight scene straight out of an old serial Western. All Tanya had needed was to tie Melessa to some railroad tracks, stick Slade in a white ten-gallon hat, and it would’ve been worthy of B movie infamy. Hopefully, Damien would never need to read that section of the story, because he would not be a happy supervillain to see himself defeated so easily.

  Of course, the whole point of this bargain basement Caribbean vacation was to keep Damien out of all Vampire fights for the foreseeable future. Like her possible, inadvertent marriage, Damien’s reaction to her plan was something Kara was trying not to think about, though. As much as she wished Damien was with her, Kara did not look forward to the next –Oh-- nine hundred years of complaining because she left him behind.

  Yeah, Damien was really gonna take that badly.

  He was kind of a control freak.

  “Oh, Slade!” Melessa clung to his mighty arm. “Finally, the demon is locked up and you and I can be safe.” She eyed Damien through the golden bars of the dungeon. “How dare you kidnap me and try to keep me from my precious Sladey-kins. Thank heavens his grandmother’s cat is really a prophet and told her of your treachery.”

  “To’kel said he killed that damn cat.” Damien hissed.

  “Well, Fluffy survived, thanks to Slade’s heroism. More importantly, Slade saved me. You nearly ruined my wedding, you monster, but now you are defeated!”

  “Yes, fear not, sweet Melessa. The creature is defeated. You are defeated, creature.” Slade eyed Damien through the golden bars of the dungeon. “I have rescued my beautiful bride from your fortress from Hell and have taken you prisoner here in my impenetrable golden castle. Now you shall be executed and the vile Wizard Warlock race shall be wiped forever from the face of the earth.”

  “Or so you’d think.” Damien smiled, evily. “Except, all this had been my real plan, all along. For To’kel wasn’t the only one working with me to see you destroyed.”

  Uh-oh.

  His real plan?

  If Damien had any other schemes brewing, he would have filled her in on them by now. Kara knew that. Last night, he’d told her everything inside of his heart and soul. So, whatever this sudden plot-twist was, it wasn’t coming from him. This was all new material. Eternal Passion at Sunset was screwing her over, making stuff up as it went along.

  Damn it, what was the book trying to pull, now?

  Kara all but ripped the edge of the page, she turned it so fast.

  Behind her, Fibos gave a cry of delight as the key to Slade’s cell finally turned in the lock. “Witch, I’ve got it open.” He dashed forward to untie his beloved king. Melessa and the other Vamps surged in after him.

  She barely heard the commotion. Kara’s eyes stayed locked on Damien’s ludicrous dialogue, her heart rate speeding up in panic.

  “You have just walked right into my elaborate trap, Vampire.”

  Slade gasped as someone suddenly snuck up behind him and held a diamond sword to his manly neck. His eyes fell on Damien’s henchman with anger and surprise. “You!”

  Kara’s mouth dropped open. “No.” She spun around, just in time to see Slade’s cell door slam shut.

  Eugene stood there, his gaze cold behind his monocle as he stared at her. “This really is your fault, you know.” He twisted the key savagely, locking the cell and trapping the rest of the rescue party inside. “You have no one to blame but yourself.” From the pocket of his plaid vest he somehow pulled out an Uzi and aimed it at her.

  An Uzi.

  In 1892.

  Tanya, you bitch.

  “Hey!” Slade protested, loudly. “Wait, I’m still in here.”

  “We’re all still in here.” Melessa corrected.

  “Oh… Well, I meant you, too, my delicate love.”

  “What are you doing?” Kara ignored them and gaped at Eugene, too shocked to even be angry. Or scared. The Vampires were all inside the cell, so she now facing down Rambo the Accountant on her own. Seriously, why did these things always happen to her?

  “It’s all your fault.” Eugene repeated. “If you hadn’t interfered with Damien, I could have worked with him to stop that son-of-a-bitch Vampire from stealing my bride. Instead, you seduced the sorcerer and I was forced to make other plans.”

  Okay, now she was starting to feel the anger. “You’re just supposed to be the boring ex-boyfriend guy. You can’t take a sudden heel-turn right in the middle of my rescue! That doesn’t even make any sense!”

  “Ah, but it makes perfect sense, m
y dear.” Eugene’s slight British accent was clipped. “I’m not just an accountant, you see. I am…” Dramatic pause. “The necromancer.”

  Oh, Lord.

  It just got more and more stupid. “You’re not the necromancer. You can’t be. There was no foreshadowing on that, at all.”

  Eugene wasn’t giving up. “I helped To’kel send the zombies after you at the Fair, trying to get that book.” He pointed at the manuscript with the gun barrel.

  “No, you didn’t! You were at the damn hotel with Melessa all evening.” The plot holes were unbelievable here. “You didn’t even know about this supernatural crap until this morning, when I told you what was going on. You’re just a boring human. You know that.”

  “Necromancers are human. It’s a calling, not a species. Just like with Witches.” He smirked. “You should know that better than anyone. Now, give me that book.”

  Kara eased it back into her purse, keeping her hand locked tight around the binding, even inside the leather bag. “What do you want it for?” She hedged.

  “I am going to trade it to To’kel for Melessa, of course.”

  “Why would you have to do that? Mel’s right in there! You don’t have to trade. To’kel doesn’t have her, dummy. You do.” Eternal Passion at Sunset was fogging his mind. Kara had to break through it if they were ever going to get anywhere. “Eugene listen, I know in romance novels, the girl’s fiancé usually turns out to be a jerk, so the author can justify her dumping his ass for the hero. But, you don’t even like Melessa. Think! You wanted her to leave you, remember?”

  Eugene frowned, like he was trying to reconcile his less than lovey-dovey past with his ‘If-I-can’t-have-her-I’ll-take-you-all-out-in-a-blaze-of-glory’ present. He lowered the gun a bit, looking confused. “I didn’t believe I loved Melessa, but I must have. I have all these feelings, now…”

  “Hey, Wii-iiitch?” Slade called, in a particular grating, sing-songy tone. “Hel-llloooo? We seem to be stuck.” The cell door rattled, like he still wasn’t totally convinced it was locked.

  Eugene snapped back into Mr. Hyde, the gun jerking back up to point at Kara’s head. “You’re trying to blind me with your lies, just as To’kel told me you would. It will not work Witch.” For one teeny second, she might have been able to talk him through Eternal Passion at Sunset’s haze, but now the moment was gone forever, thanks to the King of the Idiots.

  “Hey, Wiiii-iiiiiiiiiitch? Little help here?”

  Kara closed her eyes in frustration. “Slade, would you shut-up! I’m doing what I can to get you out of there, but –Honest to God-- it’s really tempting to just let Eugene Uzi you, at this point.”

  “Eugene?” Melessa’s now Ariel red curls appeared by the bars. “Goodness, whatever are you doing? Let me out of here, at once. There are bugs everywhere, you fool!”

  “You whore.” Eugene spat out the words. “You think you can lead me on with your perfect, stunning beauty and then leave me at the altar for that muscle-bound ape? Who do you think you’re dealing with, woman?”

  “Ugh! Could you be more self-involved?” Melessa sounded put upon. “Look at Slade and then look at you. Let’s see… You’re some scrubby, nearsighted, accountant and he’s an immortal Vampire king with the body of a Greek god and a friggin’ castle. Hmmmm… hard choice.” She rolled her eyes over at Slade. “Do you see why I didn’t want to marry him? I mean, the nerve to think he could compare to you or be worthy of me!”

  “Thank the Gods you found me, my gentle pearl. The human is a narcissist.”

  Eugene’s expression darkened. He was clearly not the biggest fan of Toy Story Ken. “To’kel will deal with you, Vampire.” His monocled gaze swung back to Kara. “This is your last chance. Hand over the book or die.” He jabbed the mussel of the Uzi at her, threateningly.

  “Alright. Alright. Calm down.” Kara kept her eyes on the shiny, black weapon even as she fished around in her purse. “You know, according to the original text, you’re supposed to have a diamond sword and not a submachine gun. Just sayin’.”

  “The diamond sword is for killing Slade. This is for killing you.” Another Uzi poke in her direction. “And I’ll also be destroying that useless sorcerer you’re so fond of, when he inevitably shows up.”

  Oh, he didn’t just threaten Damien. Kara’s eyes narrowed. Her hand found what she was looking for inside her bag. “I don’t care what kind of retcons Tanya pulls, you go up against Damien and he’s gonna turn you inside out.” In a fair fight, her mate could flatten anyone. Kara believed that, totally.

  But, Eternal Passion at Sunset didn’t play fair, did it?

  No way did she want Damien facing down an Uzi.

  Eugene snorted. “I’ll take my chances against that smug bastard. Just give me the magic book and let’s get this over with.” He held out his free hand and snapped his fingers in demand. The Tweed Avenger was feeling pretty confident in his ability to strong arm her.

  Apparently, Eugene hadn’t met many twenty-first century city girls.

  If he did, he’d know that they all carried pepper spray.

  Kara clicked off the canister’s safety switch as she slipped it out of her bag. She hid it against her palm. “The book isn’t magic. It’s just a romance novel. But, if you give it to To’kel, you’re going to endanger all of us. I don’t know what will happen if we change the ending. To’kel has to lose and Slade has to survive. That’s just the way the story goes.”

  “Exactly!” Slade cried, triumphantly. “Thank you, Witch, for finally speaking the truth. You are truly a wise woman. You deserve better than a horrible death at the hands of this accountant.”

  “Or being a sexual hostage to the Wizard Warlock.” Melessa added, straight faced. “After all, he no doubt only kidnapped her for his own dark pleasures.”

  “Oh, no doubt.” Slade agreed. “You should see the insatiable way he looks at her. It’s shocking and terrible.”

  Melessa shivered. “Just terrible. As an innocent, I can only imagine the shockingness. I’m just so grateful I have no curls to entice wicked men.”

  Kara automatically glanced at the bars and –Yep-- Mel’s hair was suddenly sewing needle straight.

  And blonde.

  Eugene scowled over at his former fiancé. “I can’t believe I’m doing all this just to win you back, Melessa. That’s what’s terrible and shocking.” He glanced back at Kara and sighed like a martyr. “Give me that book or I’ll just kill you right now and take it.”

  She didn’t have a choice. It was Eternal Passion at Sunset or her. It was kind of a no-brainer, what with the Uzi and all. Kara took a deep breath and held the book out towards him. No matter what she did, he was going to shoot her. She could see it in his icy gaze. Kara couldn’t save this fictional world if she was non-fictionally dead.

  Eugene reached forward to take the novel from her. Not having another option besides a half formed plan, Kara released her grip on the manuscript a second too early. It dropped to the floor between them, hitting the ground with a heavy slap. Eugene instinctively looked down at it, preparing to pick it up. The instant his attention left her, Kara moved.

  She raised the pepper spray and emptied half the canister right into his face.

  Eugene let out a hysterical scream of pain and surprise. He clawed at his eyes, dislodging his monocle, the Uzi forgotten as he tried to clear the fiery liquid from his burning retinas. Kara didn’t wait around for him to remember the automatic weapon he had looped around his shoulder. She took off running.

  “Go, Witch! Faster!” Slade called after her. “Go find the sorcerer and make him help me!”

  Kara lost one of her shoes as she raced back down the hallway, but she sure wasn’t going to stop to pick it up. Instead, she kicked the other one off, too, and kept going. She had to reach the bend in the hall before Eugene started firing. Otherwise, she’d be caught in a narrow shooting gallery, on the wrong end of a gun that could blast through solid steel. At least, that’s what it always did in action
movies and, chances were, Tanya had seen those films, too. “You evil, little slut of a bitch!” Eugene shrieked. “I’m going to fucking kill you!”

  Shit, shit, shit. Kara dashed passed the caged Vampires, most of whom were watching her showdown with Eugene like they were the nine o’clock show. The corner was just ahead of her, now. She was going to make it. Going to make it. Going to make it.

  Eugene opened fire

  “Shit!” Kara covered her heads with her arms and braced for a hail of bullets to Swiss cheese through her. It seemed like a foregone conclusion. She could hear the deadly projectiles impacting the stone wall beside her in a wild spray, so close and… None of them hit. Wait… Was she still alive? The gun fired –like-- a thousand bullets a minute and none of them hit her? How was that possible? Apparently, Eugene really was nearsighted without that monocle, or his eyes were still full of pepper spray, because his aim sucked.

  Or maybe it was her new magical powers, emerging to act like a force field.

  That was kind of a cool idea.

  Either way, Kara turned the corner at a dead run, still in one whole piece. Eugene screamed in frustration, but he didn’t try to follow her. He probably didn’t see the point. He had the book, he had Slade and Melessa, and Kara was stuck on this island with no way off. He and To’kel could track her down and kill her at their leisure. It wasn’t like she could fly. Not that she could leave this place, even if she did sprout wings.

  She still had to fairy godmother a happy ending for this stupid story and that meant saving the world’s most annoying super-couple from their gruesome deaths.

  Kara intended to exit the catacombs back onto the beach, but she must have made a wrong turn in the dim light. She’d left the section of the dungeon with cells and was back in the twisty, creepy corridors. The whole place was like a labyrinth. Her bare feet skidded along the damp stone, randomly guessing what turns to make as she hurried along. Did Vampires not believe in exit signs? Or ‘You Are Here’ maps?