Intoxicated

by Stacey McCoy

  “Are you drunk Kat?” Asks Johnno as he stands back to allow me inside.

  “No I’m not fucking drunk Johnno. Who the hell do you think you are, asking me that?”

  “I’m just…I don’t know Kat…You’re clearly not yourself right now.”

  “Well do you want to know why that is Johnno?”

  “Don’t yell at him Kat. He didn’t do anything to you.”

  “No you’re right Sim. You’re always right. You in your perfect little life are always right.”

  With her head held low Simone walks over to the kettle and turns it on.

  Johnno continues to ask me about my night. “Okay Kat calm down. You left here pretty darn happy earlier and now you’re as angry as a cut snake and bleeding everywhere. What the hell happened between then and now?”

  The difference a few small hours can make, I think to myself. Dumping my bag on the bench I take my phone off silent before putting it down.

  “Well let’s see. First I got to Jake’s house and he cooks us a beautiful tea, confessed his love to me yet again then introduced me to his sister, who happens to be the bitch who killed Sam.”

  Simone drops the mugs she was getting out of the cupboard and breaks at least two of them when she hears what I’ve just said. Johnno collapses onto a kitchen chair as I remain standing strong on my feet.

  “You’re fucking joking,” says Simone as she rushes to be by my side. I give her a look that tells her to back off because I know as soon as someone I love and trust hugs me, I will break. I don’t want to break.

  “Do I look like I’m joking?”

  “Did she do this to you?” Johnno’s voice is weak, but angry.

  “No I did this to me because Jake wouldn’t let me rip his sister apart.”

  “Holy shit Kat. I don’t know what to say.”

  “There’s nothing to say Johnno. She’s Jake’s sister and she’s a murderer. It’s over between us for good this time. He’s not welcome here.”

  On cue my phone rings again. Simone gets it before I do.

  “I’ll just tell him you’re home safe, okay.”

  “You can tell him I’m dead because that’s the way I feel.”

  I head off toward my room and slam the door closed. I hear Simone and Johnno talk for a little while, then silence. I don’t know if I’m still awake, or if I’m dreaming, but I throw the picture of Jake and me at the wall.

  I hear it break and then there is nothing but darkness.

  Chapter TWENTY Three

  I wake the next day with a raging headache. For a moment I forget about how I came to have such pain flowing through my veins, then my memory kicks into gear and the destructive scene of the previous night plays out in my mind like a movie. Suddenly I feel nauseous. I make a quick dash to the toilet, nearly stumbling due to the pain from my black and blue big toe. Luckily I manage to get my head over the bowl just in time, the flood of emotions making me literally sick to my stomach. I stay curled up on the floor next to the toilet for what feels like forever.

  I hear my bedroom door open and force myself to sit up as my un-welcome visitor could be one of the kids. I don’t want them to see me like this.

  It’s Johnno. “Morning sunshine. How are you feeling today?”

  “How the fuck do you think?”

  “Hmm. Coffee out of the question then?”

  “Definitely. I need cold water and a shower.”

  Johnno helps me up off the floor. I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want anyone to touch me. If I’m surrounded by strong, loving, trustworthy arms, I will shatter.

  I push Johnno away. My intention is not to offend him, I just can’t handle him right now.

  “Fine. I’m out of here. Simone’s making breakfast for the kids and she’s willing to stay here for as long as you need her today, okay.”

  “I don’t need anyone.”

  “Yeah righto Kat. No worries. I’ll see you later okay”

  I can’t even look at him. My friend who is trying to do what’s right for the kids and me and all I want to do is push him away.

  Filling a glass from the basin tap I sip on the fresh rain water, then I brush my teeth and stand in a nice warm shower in the hope of washing last night’s events off my skin and out of my mind.

  Eventually I give up, dry off and decide that bed is the best place to be today. While dragging my lifeless-self across my bedroom floor and straight for my bed a sharp pain enters my foot. I can tell it’s glass, but I can’t make out how broken glass would have come to be on the floor. Then I remember throwing the photo of Jake and me at the wall. Johnno must have cleaned it up, but as it seems to be with my life, there is always one last little thing set to cause me pain.

  Sitting on the edge of my bed I try to pull the glass out of the sole of my foot. I manage the small task but I couldn’t be bothered with a Band-Aid. All I want to do is sleep. I’m suddenly, so, so tired.

  When I wake I notice it’s four in the afternoon. Hunger grips me as I roll over in an effort to will myself back to sleep. There’s a mug of coffee and some toast on my bedside table. Simone must have put it there not long ago as steam is still rising from the mug. The aroma forces me to sit up and eat. Once I’m done I shuffle my way back down under the covers. I feel safe here. Lonely, but safe

  I hear voices in the kitchen. I can make out the kids’, they sound happy, but I can also hear Simone then Alex’s voice. What’s she doing here?

  Alex comes storming into my room and pulls the covers back.

  Cold air hits me and I lash out at her. “What the fuck Alex!”

  “Don’t you what the fuck me Kat. Get up and get dressed!”

  “Why?”

  “You need to talk about this. So either we do it when you’re dressed and awake, or we do it now.”

  Simone is standing in the doorway. She decides to step into the room and close the door behind her. She knows our voices aren’t going to quieten down anytime soon.

  “What is there to talk about Alex? Jake’s sister is a murderer and I can’t spend the rest of my life ignoring that fact while fucking him, when she took so much away from me.”

  “It’s not her fault Kat and you know it.”

  I jump out of bed in nothing but my night shirt. I face off with Alex and Simone as they both stand in my room staring at me.

  Simone speaks next. Her voice is soft and calm. “Kat you know as well as anyone that she didn’t intentionally cause the accident.”

  “Oh what the fuck would you know Sim?” My voice is angry and loud. “Here you are living in your perfect world with your perfect husband on your perfect farm with your perfect job. What the fuck would you know?”

  Simone’s face turns red as her anger explodes to the surface.

  “What the fuck would I know Kat? What the fuck would I know? I’ll tell you what I know! Yes I have a wonderful husband, yes work is good and so is the farm, but I am far away from having the perfect life. Johnno and I have been trying to have kids for over a year now and obviously we’ve been unsuccessful. Here you are having the shittiest time of your life, but you are lucky enough to have two beautiful children out there who love you unconditionally. It scares me to know how quickly and easily someone can lose the love of their life. It could happen to anyone of us at any time, but at least Sam was able to leave you with two kids who adore you. Who would I have if something ever happened to Johnno? What would I know Kat? I know that Veronica didn’t cause the accident and I’m sure that she would have preferred to have not been the last person to have spoken to Sam. Do you honestly think Kat that she wanted that? That anyone would want that? And now here you are pushing Jake away because his sister happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Yeah you’re right Kat, what the fuck would I know.”

  Leaving the bedroom Simone slams the door behind her. My jaw’s still on the ground when round two from Alex begins.

  “I’m fucked if I’m going to let you push everyone who loves you away again Kat.
”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I remain standing, but my knees are starting to shake as Simone’s words hit me hard.

  “You pushed everyone away when Sam died, but we all hung in there and waited for you to come back to us. Eventually you did and Jake helped you with that. You can’t push him away now, not over this.”

  “This isn’t exactly a small little hiccup you know Alex. This to me is a pretty major fucking deal.”

  “I know it is Kat, but you have to see reason. Try and look at this from Veronica’s point of view. She never meant for any of this to happen. Her children were in that car too you know, and I’m sure if you spoke to her, she would be able to tell you Sam’s last words.”

  I can hear myself crack inside. My legs finally give way as Alex approaches me. Her arms wrap around me as I collapse onto the edge of my bed. I try to push her away, but she breaks through my wall and surrounds me with her love. She knows that I need to fall apart completely before I can ever begin to put the pieces back together again.

  Through the tears I say, “It should’ve been me. I should’ve been there for him. He did everything for me and I couldn’t do this one bloody thing for him. I couldn’t get to him in time. I let him down Alex. I let him down.”

  “Jesus Kat, is that what you think.? Sam would never have thought that you’d let him down. He was probably thankful that you never got to see him the way he was.”

  Sobbing uncontrollably I let go of my emotions. All this time I’ve blamed Veronica when in actual fact no one was at fault for Sam’s death. Not even him. But I didn’t want to believe that. It’s been easier to deal with all this by having someone to blame. Anyone. I chose Veronica because she was there. I’ve hated myself because I wasn’t there, and now I’ve lost a man that I love, all over again. But now I know, Alex is right. I know Simone is right. Finally I start to realise and regret what I’ve done. All this time I’ve spent hating a woman who never meant to hurt the kids and me. I’ve spent so much wasted energy thinking and dreaming about a woman who is an innocent victim in all of this. Veronica was forced to be there with Sam and watch him die. It was her fate, not mine.

  As I sit here and try to imagine what that would have been like, I cry even more tears. Tears of empathy as I recall the image of her children left to wait in the car as their mother does her best to shield their eyes from such a horrific scene. I remember telling my own children that I was so thankful they weren’t witness to their father’s last moments as it was a horrible sight no one wanted to see.

  Reflecting back on the months after the accident I know I pushed everyone who cares for me away and I know that I’m doing it again now. But through it all my friends and family stuck by me as I broke down around them. I used everyone as a punching bag and they all stood there and took it. Now my two greatest friends in the world are telling me enough is enough.

  I’ve so much to be thankful for and I need to get a grip and live my life. Sam is gone. There is no way I can bring him back, but now there’s a way that I can find out what his all-important last words were. Even more importantly I have a chance of being happy again. Jake is the man I love now. The happiness he brings the kids and me is boundless. I need to grab a hold of that man and never let him go. I can’t, I won’t, live my life swallowed up by sadness and anger any longer.

  “Oh Alex. What have I done?”

  “Oh honey. You’re only human, but I’m buggered if I’m going to sit back and let you live your life consumed with guilt any longer.”

  “Me either.”

  Simone stands in the doorway of my bedroom once more. As I look up at her I see her eyes, red from tears. Instantly more spill from mine. I open my arms and she rushes toward me, collapsing on the floor in front of me.

  The three of us hold each other tight.

  Knowing that my friends are here with me helps my broken heart begin to heal.

  “I’m so sorry you guys, for everything I have ever put you through.”

  “There’s no need to apologise Kat. We know you’d do the same for us.” Alex loosens her grip only slightly so she can push my hair away from my face.

  “Simone?” I force my friend to look at me. “I am so sorry. I should never have had a go at you like that. Please forgive me.”

  “Of course sweetie. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”

  “Honestly. You guys screaming at me was the slap in the face that I needed.”

  “What are you saying Kat?”

  “I’m saying that I realise now that none of this was Veronica’s fault. None of this was Jake’s fault. I’ve spent so much time hating a woman who is an innocent victim in all of this. I feel really sorry for her. I wonder if I will ever have the opportunity to speak to her so I can find out what Sam said to her and also so that I can apologise to her?”

  “There’s only one way to find out.” Alex smiles at me and gives me a nudge.

  “Alex, I ended my relationship with Jake. The things I said and did to him are unforgivable. He won’t ever want to see me ever again.”

  “Oh I think he will.” Simone gets up off the floor and sits on the bed beside me.

  “What makes you say that?” I wipe my tears with a tissue from my bed side table.

  “He hasn’t stopped calling. I’ve been telling him all day to just give it some time, give you some space. Then he rings again all of five minutes later to see if anything has changed yet.

  On cue I hear my mobile phone ring. Running out the bedroom in search of my phone Simone yells out after me that it’s on the kitchen bench. To my disappointment it’s my mother. I know I haven’t spoken to her in a while, but now is not the time. I let it ring out and go to message bank. Looking outside I notice the kids are playing in the backyard with Johnno. With my shoulders hunched over I head back to my room. Alex and Simone are standing with smiles on their faces.

  “What?”

  “We have an idea,” says Alex with a cheeky grin plastered all over her face.

  “What?”

  “Go and have a shower. We’ll talk over a coffee and cake once you’re dressed.”

  Just then Johnno enters my room. “How are you now Kat?”

  I rush toward Johnno and I’m greeted with his open arms. “Oh Johnno I’m so sorry.”

  “For what”

  “For treating you like shit.”

  “That’s okay Kat, I get it. Well you know, I get it as much as I can. I mean I haven’t had to deal with all of this the way you have, but I can tell you that everything will be alright.”

  “Thank you. And you know what, I actually think you’re right.”

  “Was there ever any doubt?”

  Johnno is gorgeous when he smiles.

  He squeezes me tightly until I have no breath left inside me.

  Releasing his bear grip hold of me he says, “Oh by the way Kat I have something for you. I think you’ll want it back now.” Johnno hands me the photo of Jake and me from his back pocket.

  Instantly I’m taken back to the moment the night before when I screamed at Jake that we would never see each other again. I swear I can feel the knife of resentment cutting through me. Oh Jake what have I done? Holding the picture close to my chest, Simone and Alex surround me once more. Knowing me the way they do, they know what I’m thinking.

  “Go and have a shower sweetie, we’ll help you fix this.” Ah Alex, my younger yet oddly wiser friend.

  I succumb to their demands and head off to the shower.

  The warm water feels like a heavy blanket draped over my shoulders. It’s weight pushes me down as I think about Veronica and Jake and the terrible way I acted toward them.

  Maybe some of the weight could be removed if I were able to speak to Veronica so I can apologise to her and talk to her about that fateful day, but I think I need to give it some time before I attempt to reach out to her. She’s probably at the police station at this very moment placing a restraining order on me.

  Once I�
��m showered and dressed I head out to the kitchen where the girls have coffee and cake ready on the table as promised.

  “Oh thank the heavens above for you two, I’m starving. Where are the kids?”

  “Johnno’s taken them out ferreting,” says Simone.

  “Oh okay. I was hoping to see them.”

  “You won’t be here long enough for that and as far as they know you were never home,” states Alex.

  Alex has that same cheeky grin smeared across her face again.

  “Alex, what are you up to?” I sip my coffee slowly and reach for a slice of chocolate cake as I wait to hear her plan.

  “Well sweetheart, I’m taking you back to Melbourne so you can speak to Veronica and see Jake again.”

  It’s hard to swallow cake when you’re taken by surprise. I wash it down with some coffee. My heart is racing at the thought of seeing both Veronica and Jake again after my dreadful display just last night.

  “Oh no Alex I can’t do that. You have no idea how bad it was last night. The things I did. The things I said. No one in their right mind would ever forgive me for that, let alone Veronica and Jake.”

  “I’ve already spoken to Jake and he has spoken to Veronica. She’s willing to speak to you Kat. She too has always wanted to tell you what Sam said, but the police wouldn’t give out your details.”

  “Why didn’t she just tell the police then they could have told me.”

  “She’s always felt that his last words would have gotten mixed up and lost their meaning if you didn’t hear them directly from her,” Alex says.

  The fact that Veronica has held my husband’s last words with such a huge amount of care and respect tells me a lot much about her.

  “I’m struggling to believe that she would want to see me after the way I acted toward her.”Alex shoves the recent message from Jake in my face. It reads, “Here’s Verno’s address. She’s looking forward to setting the record straight with Kat. Please, Please, Please bring Kat to the club tonight Alex. I have to see her. I love her. She’s my life. Please Alex. Promise me you’ll do your best to get her there.”

  The next message from Alex reads, “I promise.”