Under the Microscope

by Dave Spikey

  ‘Two months’ meant that the consultant could definitely give him until Christmas to live. Just till Christmas. Pete said that his daughter Zoe was getting married in June and he needed to be there, but the consultant shook his head and said that he couldn’t guarantee that.

  I remember the walk out of the consulting room, through the hospital to the car park as if it was yesterday. Pete said something like, ‘Not the best news in the world,’ and, not for the first time during his illness, I was semi-speechless, managing to mutter a few platitudes, trying to put myself in Pete’s position; how do you deal with the fact that at such a young age someone has told you definitively that you will soon be dead?

  Pete dealt with it by setting himself ‘goals’, which included going out on New Year’s Eve in Darwen as he always had, getting to the Hi-Life Awards as he’d promised – and walking his beautiful daughter down the aisle at her wedding, which had hastily been brought forward to March, which was the earliest date available. I thought that he might make the first two, but the wedding?

  He went out ‘early doors’ on New Year’s Eve, but went back to the flat early, only to get a second wind and go down to the club where his mate was a bouncer. They had a great night on ‘cheeky Vimtos’ and didn’t get in until the small hours.

  The Hi-Life Awards were at the end of January and I didn’t think he could possibly make it, but as the date approached, he confirmed that he wanted to go, but had nothing to wear as his disease-riddled body had swollen so much. I bought him a dress suit and, on the night, my son Steve drove him over to Manchester and he went to the Hi-Life Awards.

  The day after, he was terribly ill and I couldn’t get him out of bed for a while, but he said that he wouldn’t have missed it. Again, I tried to get myself into his head: how do you cope with the knowledge that you are about to die and yet still push yourself to achieve things? Where does that motivation come from? I find it an astounding and courageous trait.

  Cutting a short story short, Pete made it up to Washington, Tyne and Wear for Zoe’s wedding to Karl. Zoe had been courting Karl for ages and then she was taken in by Karl’s wonderful family, who take every credit for helping form the lovely girl she’s turned out to be.

  Although Pete was confined to a wheelchair by now, Sue drove him up the night before to the hotel he’d booked. The hospice he’d been attending in Blackburn had said that they could arrange for him to stay in a hospice in the North-East, and we all encouraged him to accept the offer, but he wouldn’t. It was the only time that we argued over the two years because I felt strongly that he should get up there early and rest before the big day, and he got angry and said no, he wanted it be ‘normal’ and he wanted to do it his way. He made it clear that if it was the last thing he was going to do in his life, he was going to do it right.

  And he did – and there we were on a beautiful March day, stood in the church awaiting the arrival of the bride. When Zoe made her entrance, looking absolutely stunning, Pete rose from his wheelchair, his chest swelling with pride – and he walked his daughter down the aisle. It is a moment that all of us who loved him will never forget.

  My brother Peter died in hospital on 25 March 2008 in his mother’s arms. I was privileged to be there, along with Sue, Zoe, Karl, Christian and Tom. He looked at me intensely minutes before he died, and held his hands up. I took one and said, ‘It’s alright, Pete, I’m here.’

  I think about Pete all the time. I have a few photos of him in happier times around the place, one sitting on the promenade railings at Blackpool, another on a beach somewhere and one taken with me at Zoe’s wedding. On all of them, he has this great big smile and sometimes, when I look at them, I can’t bear it that he’s gone forever.

  I don’t believe in God and heaven and hell, but if, by the odd chance, I’m wrong, I hope that Pete’s in that great betting shop queue in the sky, behind my dad and grandad.

  I organized the funeral. Sue told me that the only thing he really wanted was a horse-drawn carriage to carry him to the church, so I arranged this for him. As the beautiful black-and-gold carriage was pulled by two big black horses sporting black feather plumes up Chorley Old Road where we all grew up, the traffic stopped and people paused to watch. Many bowed their heads as a mark of respect, and I thought, yes, he would have loved this.

  Life Goes On

  ZOE, WHO HAD been a bit of a tearaway in her youth, has blossomed into a beautiful, thoughtful and caring young lady. Her husband Karl is a diamond, as are his close family, who took Zoe in and treated her like one of their own. To them, on behalf of us all, thank you. Zoe is pursuing a nursing career now and is excelling in doing so.

  Christian had a rough time during the last couple of years of Pete’s illness. He was only fourteen when the cancer came back and he had to deal with his father’s illness along with the rest of us. I think in an odd sort of way he felt neglected during this period; an important period for him with his schooling and his journey into adulthood. He rebelled and has had a confused couple of years, living first with his girlfriend’s family and more recently in college accommodation. He has got his act together and is doing a public services course, hoping to get into the police or paramedics, though I have a feeling that he might pursue computing like his dad. Christian is very much like Pete, impulsive and headstrong, but he has grown into a great lad who is caring and generous. A son that his dad would have been proud of.

  I’ve said before that my kids are well and happy. They are my greatest achievements in life, even though, as I’ve also said, I take little credit for the great people they’ve become. The best thing that’s come out of the comedy successes I’ve had is that I’ve been able to help them get on the property ladder and I will always be there for them, no matter what they want or need.

  Kay and I are very happy (or she’s putting on a bloody good show). She retired from the Blood Transfusion labs and works as my PA now. We spend a lot of time in Spain and love the way of life out there. I still miss Pete more than I can say, especially when I walk round the pool and stand where we stood a few short years ago, looking at the sun going down over the mountains. I constantly count my blessings and try very hard to enjoy every single day of my life.

  The work keeps coming in, and I’m lucky enough to have that sort of brain that keeps surprising me by coming up with new ideas – for stand-up shows, scripts, books and even quiz shows. I’m really looking forward to touring again in 2011 with my ‘Words Don’t Come Easy’ show because I still love stand-up and the sound of laughter.

  I’m often asked about my hopes and ambitions for the future. I’d like very much to get my Sunday football script made for TV or film, and I’d especially like my Best of Times story to get made, as it’s inspired by both my and Pete’s experiences, and written from the heart. I’d also like to direct a sitcom.

  I’m drawn to acting, and would love to tackle a challenging part or two. I haven’t had much experience away from Phoenix Nights, Dead Man Weds and Magnolia, but I’ve really enjoyed some of the other roles I’ve taken on: playing ‘Pemberton’, a golf professional convicted of child molestation (she looked sixteen!) in Channel 4’s BAFTA-winning prison drama Buried; a small part in Clocking Off; and playing a priest in Neil Fitzmaurice’s new film Charlie Noades R.I.P.

  But you know what? If none of that happens, that’s okay – because I’ve had more than my share of good fortune and two amazingly disparate careers, both of which I’ve loved on the whole … and not many people can say that.

  My mum turned eighty this year and has again had another heartbreaking year. Her husband Tom was diagnosed with prostate cancer early in 2009, which spread into his bones in January. So this year, as in so many recent years, my mum has spent most of her life in hospital wards and clinics, hospices and scan units. Day upon day she would sit by his bed, holding his hand and comforting him and reminiscing about the short yet wonderfully happy time they’d had together. Tom died on 31 July 2010, a few days after I finished this book.
Bless him.

  I have gained so much respect for my mum over the last few years. She has not been well herself, and yet has had to be strong first for my dad, then my brother and then Tom. These should have been her twilight years, but have become her nightmare years, yet she just gets on with it. A lesser woman would have been crushed.

  I’m sure (I know) she has her moments of despair and desolation, but she continues to bounce back. People say that I’m a lot like her. I wish.

  In Loving Memory of

  Gordon Bramwell

  15 May 1929 – 6 January 2002

  Peter Bramwell

  10 November 1959 – 25 March 2008

  Index

  (Key to initials: DS = Dave Spikey; KB = Kay Bramwell; MB = Marian Bramwell; PB = Peter Bramwell)

  Abbott and Costello (i), (ii)

  Aherne, Caroline (‘Mrs Merton’) (i), (ii)

  animal welfare (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Animals Asia (i), (ii)

  Ash, Will (i)

  Atlantic Mobile Discos (i), (ii)

  awards (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)

  Badly Drawn Boy (i)

  BAFTAs (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Banana Cabaret (i)

  Barker, Ronnie (i)

  Baskerville, Romy (i)

  Bassey, Shirley (i)

  BBC (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)

  Beaumont, Bill (i)

  Beaumont, Ced (i)

  Bedworth Civic Hall (i)

  Bennett, Alan (i)

  Benton, Mark (i)

  Bertie (turkey) (i)

  Best, George (i)

  Best of Times (i), (ii)

  Bev (PB’s wife) (i), (ii)

  Billy (goat) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Birmingham Hippodrome (i)

  Bisson, Chris (i)

  Blackburn Auction Mart (i), (ii)

  Blackburn Railwayman’s Club (i)

  Blackpool Opera House (i)

  Bolton Evening News (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)

  Bolton General Hospital (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii)

  Bolton Hospice (i)

  Bolton Hospitals FC (i)

  Bolton Premier Amateur Operatic Society (i)

  Bolton Royal Infirmary (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi)

  Bolton Technical College (‘Bolton Tech’) (i), (ii), (iii)

  Bolton Wanderers FC (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)

  Botham, Ian (i)

  Bowen, Jim (i)

  Boyce, Max (i), (ii)

  Boyfriend, The (i)

  Bradford Ward Labour Club (i)

  Bramwell, Christian (nephew) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Bramwell, David (‘Spikey’) see Spikey, Dave

  Bramwell, Gordon (father) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii), (xiii), (xiv), (xv), (xvi), (xvii), (xviii), (xix), (xx)

  death of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  DS’s relationship with (i), (ii)

  ill health of (i)

  interests of (i), (ii)

  nursing career of (i)

  Bramwell, Jill (daughter) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii)

  birth of (i)

  Bramwell, Joy (sister) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)

  Bramwell, Julie (ex-wife) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  DS divorces (i), (ii), (iii)

  DS marries (i), (ii)

  Bramwell, Kay (wife) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii), (xiii), (xiv), (xv), (xvi), (xvii)

  animal welfare and (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  DS marries (i)

  pets of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Bramwell, Marian (mother) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii), (xiii), (xiv), (xv), (xvi), (xvii), (xviii), (xix), (xx)

  remarries (i)

  Bramwell, Peter (‘Pete’) (brother) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix)

  Bev divorces (i)

  death of (i)

  ill health of (i), (ii), (iii)

  Sue meets (i)

  Bramwell, Stephen (‘Steve’) (son) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii)

  birth of (i)

  Bramwell, Zoe (niece) (i), (ii), (iii)

  Brand, Jo (i), (ii)

  Brandon, Michael (i)

  Bringing in the Sheep (i)

  British Comedy Awards (i), (ii)

  Bryan, Dora (i)

  Brydon, Rob (i)

  Buckley, Ginny (i)

  Bullseye (i), (ii), (iii)

  Buried (i)

  Buzz, The (i), (ii), (iii)

  Byrom, Johnny (i)

  Caine, Marti (i)

  Cannon and Ball (i), (ii)

  Carr, Jimmy (i)

  Cash, Craig (i)

  Chain Letters (i), (ii)

  Challenge TV (i), (ii)

  Chance, Brenda (i)

  Chance, Trevor (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Channel 4 (TV) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii)

  charities (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Charlie Noades R.I.P. (i)

  China Bears Rescue (i)

  Chorley Labour Club (i)

  Christie Hospital (i), (ii), (iii)

  Christie, Lynford (i)

  Christmas (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Church Road Am-Dram (i), (ii)

  City Life (i)

  City Varieties Theatre (i)

  Clocking Off (i), (ii)

  Cogan, Alma (i)

  Coghill, Chris (i)

  Comedy Café (i), (ii)

  Comedy Lab (i)

  Comedy Playhouse (i)

  Comedy Store (‘Store’) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)

  Comedy Store Management (i)

  comedy:

  alternative (i)

  DS’s career in (i), (ii)

  DS’s talent for (i)

  folk songs and (i)

  gigs (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii)

  influences (i), (ii), (iii)

  ‘open spots’ (i)

  sketches/routines (i)

  Connolly, Billy (i), (ii)

  Connolly, Janice (i), (ii), (iii)

  Coogan, Steve (i)

  Cooper, Tommy (i), (ii)

  Coronation Street (‘Corrie’) (i)

  Coyne, Mick (i)

  Creeme Entertainments (i), (ii)

  Cricket, Jimmy (i), (ii)

  Cromwellian Club (‘Crom’) (i)

  Crosby, Bing (i)

  Crosswits (i)

  Cryer, Barry (i)

  Dave M (friend) (i)

  Davies, Wyn (i)

  Dawson, Les (i), (ii), (iii)

  Dead Man Weds (i), (ii), (iii)

  Dean, Rob (i)

  Deane Conservative Club (i)

  Dee, Jack (i)

  Desperate Housewives (i)

  Douglass, Ivan (i)

  Downstairs at the Kings Head (i)

  Doyle, Jim (i)

  8 Out of 10 Cats (i)

  Elizabeth II, Queen (i), (ii), (iii)

  Elliot, Mark (i)

  Emmerdale (i)

  Endemol (i)

  Enright, Jo (i)

  Evans, Lee (i), (ii)

  factory farming (i)

  Farnworth Veteran’s Club (i), (ii)

  Farrimond, Syd (i)

  First World War (i), (ii)

  Fitzmaurice, Neil (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii)

  football (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii), (xiii), (xiv), (xv), (xvi)

  Forsyth, Bruce (i)

  42nd Street (i)

  Fry, Barry (i)

  Gas (i)

  George, Kathryn (i)

  Gillman, Andrew (i)

  Golcar British Legion Club (i)

  Golden, Ronnie (i)

  Goons (i)

  Gorman, Dave (i), (ii)

  Gracie Fields Theatre (i)

  Granada TV (i), (ii), (iii)

  Gra
nt, Richard E. (i)

  Grayson, Larry (i)

  Green, Tony (i)

  Greenwood, Dr (i), (ii)

  Gulati, Shobna (i)

  Ha Bloody Ha (i)

  Hale and Pace (i)

  Hardee, Malcolm (i)

  Harding, Mike (i)

  Hargreaves, Christine (i), (ii)

  Harry (friend) (i), (ii), (iii)

  Hartle, Roy (‘Chopper’) (i)

  He Took My Kidney, Then Broke My Heart (i)

  Healy, Tim (i)

  Helen (girlfriend) (i)

  Helme, Pat (i)

  Henderson, Vince (i)

  Herbert, Mark (i)

  Hill, Freddie (i)

  Hilton, Mary (‘Bubbles’) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Holiday (i)

  Hollerbach, Kit (i)

  Holloway, Richard (i)

  Hollyoaks (i)

  Hope, Bob (i)

  Hopkinson, Eddie (i)

  Horwich RMI (i)

  Hough, Brian (i)

  Hurst, Mark (i)

  Hyde, Keith (i)

  Ineson, Ralph (i)

  Ireland, Alfred (grandfather) (i), (ii), (iii)

  Ireland, James (great-uncle) (i)

  It’s Dick Martin (i), (ii)

  Izzard, Eddie (i), (ii)

  Jack and the Beanstalk (i)

  Jenny (KB’s daughter) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii)

  Jilly ( Jenny’s cousin) (i)

  Joan (girlfriend) (i)

  Johnston, Sue (i)

  Jongleurs Camden (i)

  Karl (Zoe’s husband) (i), (ii)

  Kath (sister-in-law) (i)

  Kay, Peter (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix)

  Kelly, Archie (i), (ii)

  Kinney, Kim (i), (ii)

  Kitson, Daniel (i)

  Lamour, Dorothy (i)

  Langford, Bonnie (i), (ii)

  Laser Train Revue (i), (ii)

  Laurel and Hardy (i)

  Lee, Francis (‘Frannie’) (i)

  Lewis, Linda (i)

  Lindsay, Sally (i)

  Little and Large (i)

  Little Red Riding Hood (i)