Under the Microscope

by Dave Spikey

Littlewood, Stuart (i)

  Lock, Sean (i)

  Lofthouse, Nat (‘Lion of Vienna’) (i), (ii)

  McCartney, Paul (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  McGowan, Alistair (i)

  Mack, Lee (i)

  McKee, Iain (i)

  Mad For It (i)

  Maddox, Dr (i), (ii)

  Magnolia (i), (ii)

  Malik, Shahid (i)

  Manchester Apollo (i)

  Manchester City (i), (ii), (iii)

  Manchester Evening News (i)

  Manford, Jason (i)

  Manning, Dr (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)

  Mansfield Palace Theatre (i)

  Marshall, George (i)

  Marshall, John (‘Agraman’) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Marshall, Kris (i)

  Martin (Sean’s cousin) (i)

  Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere (i)

  Meadows, Shane (i)

  Meccano Club (i)

  Melua, Katie (i)

  Meredith, Colin (i)

  Merryfield, Buster (i)

  Merton, Paul (i)

  Michael (nephew) (i)

  Milligan, Spike (i)

  Milligan, Terry (i)

  Moloney, John (i)

  Monica (club owner) (i)

  Moorhouse, Justin (i), (ii)

  Morecambe and Wise (i), (ii)

  Morning Star (i)

  My Family (i)

  Myskow, Nina (i), (ii)

  New Faces (i)

  North-West Comedian of the Year (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Octagon Theatre (i)

  Off the Kerb (i)

  Office, The (i)

  Oldham Coliseum (i), (ii)

  O’Leary, Johnny (i)

  O’Neil, Eamonn (i), (ii), (iii)

  Osman, Richard (i)

  Our Friends in the North (i)

  Oxford Grove County Primary School (i), (ii), (iii)

  Parker, Mr (colleague) (i), (ii), (iii)

  Parkinson (i), (ii)

  Parkinson, Michael (i), (ii)

  Paws for Kids (i)

  Peel, John (i)

  Pelé (i)

  Pet Rehome (i), (ii)

  Peter (KB’s ex-husband) (i)

  Philip, Prince (i), (ii)

  Phillips, Ruth (i)

  Phoenix Nights (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi)

  Phoenix Theatre (i)

  Piggott, Lester (i)

  Prince, Norman (i), (ii)

  Punchline Comedy Club (i)

  Punt and Dennis (i)

  Queer as Folk (i)

  Question of Sport (i)

  Quiz Night (i)

  Radio Times (i)

  Ragged-Trousered Philanthropist, The (i)

  Ready Steady Cook (i)

  Red Riding Hood (i)

  RED (production company) (i)

  Richard, Cliff (i)

  Richardson, Glenn (friend) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)

  Rigby, Derek (‘Dewek Wigby’) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii)

  Rivers, Joan (i)

  Robbins, Kate (i)

  Robbins, Ted (i)

  Robinson, Jill (i)

  Robson, Bryan (i)

  Rocky Horror Show, The (i)

  Ronnie Scott’s (i)

  Rothwell, Alan (i)

  Roy, Dr (colleague) (i)

  Royal Television Society Awards (i)

  Royal Variety Performance (i)

  Royal Yachting Association (RYA) (i)

  Royle Family, The (i)

  Royle, Steve (‘Mad Edgar’) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Rumberger, John (i)

  Rumberger, Marion (i)

  St David’s Hall (i)

  St Gregory’s Social Club (i), (ii)

  Seal, Len (‘Ron’) (i)

  Sean (friend) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii), (xiii)

  Services, The (i)

  Shelter (i)

  Shindler, Nicola (i), (ii)

  Silvers, Phil (i)

  Smith, Sarah (i)

  Smith, Will (i)

  Smithills Grammar (i), (ii)

  Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (i)

  Sour Grapes (i)

  Spanish festivals (i)

  Sparkes, John (i)

  Special Care Baby Units (i)

  Spikey, Dave (David Bramwell):

  accidents/illness of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  animal welfare and (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  biomedical scientist career of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii), (xiii)

  canal boats and (i)

  charity work undertaken by (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  comedy influences of (i)

  discos and (i), (ii)

  earliest memories of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  education of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii), (xiii), (xiv), (xv), (xvi), (xvii), (xviii), (xix)

  fancy dress and (i), (ii)

  father’s relationship with (i), (ii), (iii)

  first job interview of (i), (ii), (iii)

  football and (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi), (xii), (xiii)

  girls/girlfriends and (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)

  grandparents of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii)

  holidays of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi), (vii), (viii), (ix), (x), (xi)

  honeymoon of (i), (ii)

  JB divorces (i), (ii), (iii)

  JB marries (i), (ii)

  KB marries (i)

  KB proposes to (i)

  KB starts dating (i)

  panto and (i), (ii), (iii)

  pets of (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  sailing and (i)

  tours of (i), (ii)

  train-spotting and (i)

  vegetarianism and (i), (ii)

  Spikey and Sykey (i), (ii)

  Spitting Image (i), (ii)

  Stairway to the Stars (i)

  steam trains (i), (ii)

  Steele, Dawn (i)

  Stephen (brother-in-law) (i)

  Stewart, Allan (i), (ii)

  Sue (PB’s girlfriend) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v)

  Suzy Lamplugh Trust (i)

  Sykes, Rick (i), (ii), (iii), (iv), (v), (vi)

  Taylor, Cheryl (i)

  Taylor, Gordon (‘Chunky’) (i)

  Terfel, Bryn (i)

  That Peter Kay Thing (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Thomson, John (i), (ii)

  Tom (stepfather) (i), (ii), (iii), (iv)

  Torrence, Sam (i)

  Two-Way Family Favourites (i)

  Tyne Tees TV (i), (ii)

  University Challenge (i), (ii)

  Up the Creek (i)

  Vegas, Johnny (i), (ii)

  Wagg, Jimmy (i), (ii)

  Wanderer (i)

  Ward, Charlotte (i), (ii)

  Ward, Don (i), (ii)

  Wedlock, Fred (i)

  Weisz, Rachel (i)

  Whacko! (i)

  ‘Whacko’ (hotelier) (i)

  What’s New? (i)

  White, Lisa (i), (ii)

  Williams, Christine (i), (ii)

  Williams, Kenneth (i)

  Williamson, Bob (i), (ii)

  Wood, Victoria (i)

  WOW (i), (ii), (iii)

  Wrigley, Bernard (‘Bolton Bullfrog’) (i), (ii)

  Writers’ Guild of Great Britain (i)

  Yorkshire TV (i)

  Me, aged eighteen months, with my wonderful mum and dad, practising ‘stand-up’.

  My family: (from left to right) Dad, me, my kid brother Pete, sister Joy and Mum.

  My dad was my hero.

  My childhood mugshot.

  Me and Sean ‘hard at work’ in the hospital labs.

  Bolton Hospitals FC (I’m on the back row, fourth from left).

  The Laser Train Revue. From left to right: Sean, me, Pete, Rick and Harry.

  ‘Knickers, knackers, knockers’: as Cosmo in Snow White
(I’m in the blue costume).

  on previous page: Nina MysCOW presents me with the ‘Stairway to the Stars’ award at the Riviera Centre, Torquay.

  Spikey and Sykey.

  With Rick on the 46229 ‘Duchess of Hamilton’ steam train.

  My fantastic children Stephen and Jill, with Bobby the dog.

  My dad’s last Christmas. From left to right: me, Joy, Dad and Pete.

  With Cagney and Lacey on Wanderer.

  My wife Kay and me, with Pippa.

  A selection of our beloved pets from across the years. Consecutively: me with Lesley the chicken; Bertie, king of the garden; some of the dogs: (from left to right) Cagney, Whisky, Rosie, Lucy, Beau and Sammy; Billy the goat (centre), with Georgie and Henry.

  I’m a big animal rights campaigner. Here Kay and I raise awareness for Animals Asia on a trip to Vietnam, pictured with the horrific metal corsets used on bears.

  Four-letter word: host of Chain Letters.

  As Jerry St. Clair aka Eminem in the final episode of Phoenix Nights.

  With Johnny Vegas and Iain McKee on the set of Dead Man Weds.

  Meeting HRH Queen Elizabeth II backstage at the Royal Variety Performance realized a life long ambition.

  On the set of Parkinson, with (from left to right) Katie Melua, Michael Parkinson, Rachel Weisz and Paul McCartney.

  With my ‘Performance of the Year’ Award at the MEN Theatre Awards, with MEN editor Paul Horrocks. Winning this ‘people’s choice’ prize was a career highlight.

  1Hoperooski was a battle between two teams which could, on occasion, include every child in the playground. It was played under cover of the playground shed, and each team retreated to an opposite wall and began to hop with arms folded in front to act as a battering ram. Then the teams charged and tried to fight their way through the opposition to the opposite wall. Anyone who put a foot down during the mid-shed battle was ‘out’ and retreated to the periphery of the contest. The process was repeated until there were, for example, three left on one team and five on the other. Tactics came into play where a hopper from the ‘three’ team would be targeted by three members of the ‘five’ team, but the beauty of the game was that the three team hoppers might be big and strong enough to defeat the ‘five’ team. It should be an Olympic event. Seriously.

  2So ‘Umbongo Umbongo, they drink it in the Congo’. I bet you any money that they don’t. They struggle trying to find a decent supply of water half the time; my guess is that there are far more important things on the shopping list than a tropical fruit drink. I think the ‘creatives’ in some ad agency came up with an idea that people would love this refreshing drink in a hot climate and settled on Africa. So then they had to come up with a name that (a) sounded ethnically African and (b) rhymed with an African country! An idea that is (a) offensive and borderline racist and (b) ridiculous. How many hours did they spend working on presentations, proposing, ‘Umberia Umberia, they drink it in Nigeria’; ‘Imbwana Imbwana, they drink it in Botswana’? Bollocks.

  3They take the brain out, then put the ‘lid’ back on and tie the skin into a big bun at the back. It’s no wonder friends and relatives often say, ‘At least she died happy. Look at the smile on her face!’ To which I sometimes reply, ‘No, she got struck by lightning and thought she was having her photograph taken.’

  4Recommended Reading: ‘Pregnancy Gonadotrophins on the basis of Induced Ovulation in Mice’, H.O. Burdick, H.O. Watson, Vincent Ciampa and Thomas Ciampa – Department of Biology, Alfred University, New York, 15 May 1943.