by R G Berube
Hadrian came to feel that in me, he had found a merging of soul and spirit. I could not deny my admiration of him, nor my attraction to his power, strength, position, and captivating personality. These attractions would haunt him in times to come, and he would question my love. But in the beginning, I encouraged his attentions with all my being. I did my utmost to fulfill whatever expectations I believed he had of me. His gentleness of spirit, concern for my welfare, passion in our lovemaking; all these were a counter-point to his matter-of-fact ways when assuming his role as head of state. He exhibited a remarkable ability to assess problems instantly and respond with equal speed, with a solution. Yet, in our private moments together he took pains to give me time, to move gently and slowly with me and guide me through the complex morass that is love. For as much as he expected of me, he allowed me room for error as long as I showed profit by my mistakes. How could I not love him?
At Salvus' villa, our time together had been an opportunity for Hadrian to see me in a more personal light without needing to hide his curiosity and interest. At his own villa, a grand place still under construction at Tibur, in the Sabine Hills, he was too constrained by the trapping of state business whenever he was in residence. It was at Villa Pacé that he chose to escape the turmoil; where he could be less the Emperor and more the man. And this first outing together was the initiation of our serious love. Up to this time, I had simply been another boy to whom he had been attracted.
Before we returned to Rome, there were two more fine dinners and wonderful leisurely walks through the extensive gardens of the estate. Salvus held two more hunts, and I killed my boar on the morning of our departure. My mare, Catapult, was kept at the villa to continue her training and it was arranged that I would return to take part in the same. I was happy with these plans, as I enjoyed the company of Gracchus and looked forward to seeing him again. I also looked to my return with anticipation, as it would take me from Rome and the palace, places at which I was not at ease!
In the weeks to come I would make these journeys alone, without Hadrian, as his attention became preoccupied with the continued development of his estate at Tibur and to the several site in Rome which were being reconstructed. He seemed intent on giving the city a new look, a style that would be associated with his reign. There were improvements and additions to the baths, the expansion of the gardens of the Campus Martius, and an enlargement of the cloci, drains that carried the city's refuse into the Tiber. Time would soon come when I would be constantly at his side, but for the moment it was not yet seemly for me to be seen in his company. These moments apart were sources of anguish.
I returned to my quarters within the palace complex, to await his bidding. The hounds demanded much of my time and to that was added the continuation of my education. I was assigned a tutor. This man had come to the court when the Emperor had last been to Athens. Much admired by Hadrian for his eloquence and knowledge, and having been highly recommended by Herod Atticus, the Emperor had me in mind when he persuaded Antipas to join him. This aged Greek proved difficult and easily pleased, and my lesson were learned through toil and long hours. But he was fair and beyond reproach in his sternness and demands, which were not unreasonable. I learned!
Having become proficient in writing, my skill was sought by Sabina. I became one of her secretaries. Several times a week I met with her to help with correspondence. This brought me into closer proximity of Filiniana, whom I had not seen for almost a fortnight. I assumed that it was not chance that brought me to Sabina's service. Her motives were several. Sabina could observe my conduct and keep current of my activities. In her correspondence, she was often candid with her friends and spoke of her relationship with the Emperor, but in a cautious way. Still, I was able to detect her innuendoes, and these were purposely directed at me. She spoke to me through her letters. It was made clear that she knew of Hadrian's interest in "another of those many youths for which he seems to be so fond". It was her way of letting me know that I was not to hope for much from his attention. Filiniana was always about when I attended the Empress, and I believe it was hoped that we would become involved more deeply than just a passing flirtation.
I respected Sabina. She was at all times a lady. albeit a demanding one and one not easily pleased. She treated me with kindness in spite of my relationship with her husband. But once again, I must state that this relationship had been from the start, a matter of form and Sabina had no illusions of it. Still, her anger of the situation with her husband often made her peevish and harsh.
Filiniana held herself apart from me, understanding more each day as we spoke, of how deeply my feelings for the Emperor ran; not wanting to find herself a pawn in the royal moves. She told me as much.
"You have come a long way in a short time, Antinoos! In a matter of months you have moved very close to him. It is you that he fancies above all else."
"You speak as though this fancy were a dalliance and nothing more," I said, objecting to her tone.
"You believe it is not?"
Filiniana led the way to the garden and we sat, looking beyond the wall that enclosed us, to the rising edifice of the Amphitheatrum Flavium, its white marble sides gleaming in the bright sunlight. The heat was already almost unbearable and it promised to become more so. A nearby fountain gave our location some reprieve as we sat in the shade.
"That is my belief," I answered defensively. I did not have the capacity nor the experience to comprehend how emotions which moved me so deeply and seemed to move the Emperor with the same force, could be anything but absolute.
"And what of us?"
Her question voiced words that had been on my lips.
"You have some opinion?" I asked, taking her hand in mine and smiling as she looked into my eyes.
"You know as I do that your ardor, in the past, has been no more than the exuberance of your youth. Antinoos, you are like a ram in a field of ewes."
I began to laugh and could not stop. Filiniana had paid me a most humorous compliment that it had been meant to pique me.
"The field is a small one. You see more ewes than I. As for myself I see but one. What I feel for the Emperor is not something I wish to discuss with anyone because I have not the words. I have given myself to him, but not just with my body. It is not simply a matter of satisfaction of appetites! You are a friend, someone with whom I have shared beautiful and warm moments. Why should that change?"
Filiniana rose and walked to the fountain, placing her hand into the water. Her slight frame and the movement of her body beneath her robe still stirred me. I knew well those lovely curves and hidden places that had been offered to me. I found myself longing to be with her again in the warmth of her embrace, like the ones we had shared after having loved.
She flicked cool droplets my way, as a mild antagonism. "Because you have changed, and will change more. Look at you! You were a mere boy when I first set eyes on you. Times are making you much more than what you were. By your own words you find yourself committed to him. I fear to be in the way, and you should fear to play your emotions too widely."
"Then are we not to be friends?"
It was her time to laugh. She turned and came to me, and we embraced.
"You know the Empress expects more of us?"
Filiniana shrugged her shoulders. "She expects only to be given her due. Hadrian has been shrewd enough to award her that. She has her place beside him on the throne. She expects no more."
"I fear her sometimes," I admitted. Rome was well known for its history of those who disappeared without a trace when royalty had come to find displeasure in them. There has always been a quick business in poisons and potions to solve difficult problems.
Filiniana touched me on the cheek. "You should hold this fear as a guide to how to conduct yourself, in the coming months. Many will look to you for favors. I have experienced the temptation, but my life and soul are not to be priced. You seem to be placed in a most favorable position. There will be those who would have you gain mu
ch from intervening in their behalf, to obtain the Emperor's ear. Take care, Antinoos!"
Filiniana's warning proved true. Word of my closeness to the Emperor soon spread and within a limited circle, I was looked at with admiration by some and scorned by others. But for many, I was seen as a future channel to the throne. I came to find that my company was courted and unlike past times when no one had paid much attention to me, I was now approached almost everywhere I went and called by name. In the beginning, the attention fanned my pride.
I recall an afternoon early in August when someone of notable rank spoke to me at the baths. I recognized his face as someone I had seen numerous times when I had stood at Hadrian's side to serve him, as he held sessions of court. This man was a well known jurist recognized for his power of voice, actually a cover for his lack of eloquence. It was said that when Paulianus rose to speak, all those in neighboring courtrooms would stop proceedings, unable to complete with his volume. I disliked the man as soon as I saw him, but hid my feelings under a veil of respect for his rank.
It was in the corridor of the palaestra that he cornered me. His invitation to one of his dinners at first enticed me as I had heard of their ribaldries, and was curious. But in the following days as more of such invitations were offered, I became wary; many came from people I hardly knew, and they could have no other motive for wanting my company other than my youth, looks, and connection to the Emperor. How foolish for them to think that I could hold such power!
Early in my dawning career I decided to shun all those who used such tactics. I consulted Hadrian constantly on the reliability and standing of those whom I suspected. I kept my friendships limited to a small circle of friends like Gracchus, Salvus, and Filiniana. I declined the jurist's invitation with the excuse that I had fallen ill, and refused all others unless I knew that Hadrian would be there also, in which case the invitation would have been extended to him, not to me.
As time passed requests disguised as presents and promises of favors, grew. With each occasion that I was seen in his company, and the occasions became more numerous as our relationship grew, my influence became more dear and therefore, more prized. The requests were many and they came from all manner of people. Notes were slipped into my hands which asked my intervention; a haberdasher sought to outfit me with a new wardrobe if I promoted him for the needs of the palace. This was done after an expensive robe of damask was delivered to me. I returned it with a carefully worded note of thanks and the explanation that I could not "afford" the garment.
Another, a woman I had spoken to briefly on several occasions when I had gone to the shop of a parchment supplier to buy paper, flirted with me as she mentioned that her husband was a merchant of oil who sought the rights to a section of warehouses in the vicinity of the Ponticus Aemilia, a region set aside for this sort of thing. I had no doubt that she was offering herself as payment. When these approaches became more numerous, I behaved graciously as possible and advised that the request be made to one of the Emperor's agents, whose job it was to process such things.
In the three years of close contact we had together, I can say that I never took a bribe or in any way acted to obtain special favors. There were special favors accorded to some of my friends not due to any of my interventions, but only because Hadrian wanted to show me his affection.
To escape the heat of the summer, I often accompanied him to Salvus's villa. On one of these occasion I brought Filiniana, with the Empress' permission. This afforded her an opportunity to get away from the palace, and I took pride in being able to introduce her to Gracchus. It was Hadrian who had suggested it.
The decision was the result of a conversation, one evening together, when he asked about her and I decided to speak about some issues that had been bothering me. At first I was cautious, feeling he might object to my interest in her although he had not, in the past, expressed such feelings. In fact he had seemed to encourage my infatuation by speaking well of her and made me to understand that he was open to the friendship. But I was unsure of whether he understood its depth.
"You seem cautious, Antinoos, when you mention her name. You think me angry with you because of her?"
We were sitting at the window ledge in his private apartments. The night was heavy and only a frail breeze touched us. We had shed our clothing and sat naked together looking across the grounds of the ruins of Nero’s palace. Rome twinkled with oil lamps and the sounds of the merchants who were entering the city with their carts, drifted up the hill of the Palatine. In the far distance we saw the lights of the fires along the wall that enclosed the city, places where sentries were cooking meals. With him, from this place, the elevation of the hill matched my spirit and I became more relaxed.
"I am concerned with how you might feel about the fact that we spend time together!" I answered him.
Hadrian moved so that he could rest his head on my shoulder. I rubbed his brow with my fingertips, trying to message the wrinkles of concern that always seemed to be present there.
"This friendship of yours, is it still the same as before? Are you having sexual intercourse with her?"
Although less than when we had first met, Filiniana and I were still finding ourselves sometimes coming together for that purpose. We had agreed that it would not be our main objective, and would only do so when the situation seemed appropriate. My feelings were genuine. I was attracted to her sexually, and also for her kindness and understanding. She made few demands and accepted my relationship with the Emperor without judgment or recrimination.
"Yes, infrequent as it is, I do see her. The feelings I have for both of you are filled with love that sometimes seems almost too heavy a burden to bear! I lie awake at night thinking that nothing so grand can sustain, with time. Hadrian, do I misunderstand my heart?"
He took my hand and touched it with his lips, and held it for a long time without speech. I saw his eyes focused on some faraway place beyond my knowing.
"I think you understand them too well," he finally answered.
"What were you just thinking about," I asked.
"I'm sorry," he apologized, "my mind was wandering and I was thinking of a design for a building I have planned for my villa. It will be a sanctuary against the world and its impositions. It will be a temple to solitude. I was seeing us there together, free of all this," he hung his arm in a circle to encompass the city. "I was thinking of how it would feel to be a simple man without the weight of the purple. But then if that were so," he continued, rising and taking me into his arms and holding me so firmly that my ribs ached, "I would not have been where fate led me, when we met."
"Tell me about this place you dream about."
We returned to his couch and reclined. I let my head rest on his thigh, watching his lined face, seeing the expression of pensiveness becoming less as he relaxed. He traced a finger along my chin and neck, touching me lovingly, his cool hand bringing life to my skin.
"There is a place for you, there, Antinoos. You must come when it is ready."
"When, Lord?"
"Soon. You will see a lovely pool to reflect the stars, surrounded by trees and marble statues
of the caryatids such as are found in Athens at the temple of Athena. Nearby, I am erecting a summer house which will be open to the beauty, but which will also be of use in the cold weather. There, I've decided to arrange a room all of your own. One which I think you will find pleasing."
"Am I to remain in the shadows?"
"Antinoos, you are becoming a strong and able person whose value has been proven. Be patient with me. I have critics who would jump at the occasion to object to our relationship. Trust me for a little while longer. There is a plan in all this."
"Is one of those critics the Empress? I asked, wanting to open the issue to discussion.
"You would think so," he answered with a wry smile trying to assure me. "But although the Empress has objected to some of my actions in the past, this time she seems to be less vehement. She likes you, you know. You have
been the subject of our recent conversations. You are aware that all is not what it should be, between us?"
"Yes, Lord, I have heard it spoken. I have looked for anger in her, but have found none directed at me."
"Why?"
"I should think that she would consider me an intrusion or threat on her rights to you."
Hadrian laughed softly as he nodded his head negatively.
"Had you been the first perhaps that would have been the case."
His comment stung me and I felt my pride wounded in the reminder that there had been others. I felt the need to press the issue.
"And these others, am I to be an addition?"
My heart was pounding in my breast with the impetuousness of the question, but I pressed on. Hadrian raised me to a sitting position and held me closely. There was a force in his action that carried intensity.
"You may well ask that question, Antinoos. I know you are not ignorant of my past affairs. It is what words I speak to you this night, they will be but sounds filled with doubt. The only true proof of intent is action. Again, I ask that you trust me by your faithfulness and let each day prove what is in my heart. I can say that I love you and those words carry only the energy that is required to say them. There have been others, Antinoos. You know this. But all of that is naught compared to what I am feeling, with you!"
The moment had arrived to broach an issue heavily on my mind.
"Lord, please excuse my presumptuousness. I do not mean to question you and make you angry, but there is something that troubles me. It is an issue that has caused me embarrassment and concern."