Antinoos and Hadrian

by R G Berube

  Many, who have judged him since, cannot deny his greatness. His achievements moved the panegyrist Aeliius Aristedes to observe, "...this man of complex nature had guided the world to democracy. Rome was moved by its best citizen to a single city-state in which the best of its citizens is brought forth, and those of its best citizens are called to rule over the masses. Thanks is given to these rulers and their organization of the state and the army, whose soldiers are now Roman citizens, so all together they are the Empire. Peace and posterity prevails, there is happiness so that those who live outside the Empire are to be pitied..."

  It is no little achievement, what my Lord accomplished! It is no wonder that from the vantage of centuries he is viewed as one of a handful of men who, during the life of Roman rule, excelled in transforming the world.

  But still, I do not claim perfection was achieved. The brutality of that age has followed through the centuries and it stands out in all men's minds. How little of truth, men learn from history! How little attention is given to lessons taught at the price of blood! It is a tragedy of the ensuing ages that all of what was aspired by Hadrian has failed to hold in the course of time. Men are no more tolerant. They are possessed by their own ends at the mercy of mankind. They see no further than the moment and persist with passion on the same self-defeating courses. They are as tragic in scope as those who preceded them. All this defiance in the face of the ultimate plan of the gods to bring together a brotherhood of all nations. Truly the price of defiance has been great!

  His vision became more charged in the weeks preceding the Eastern departure. Those weeks of preparation shared the excitement with a grand event attended by all Rome. In April of the first year of the 226th Olympiad, Hadrian, accompanied by priests and the Senate, laid the foundation stone of the vast temple of Venus and Roma. Much of its design had been by his own hand and his express purpose for its construction was to focus the loyalties of the citizens of the Empire by making it the site of a religious center of the Roman world. He hoped to draw together various factions in to one whole, and worked diligently to instruct the priests about the matter of creating new rites that would affect his plans.

  The day dawned with a bright sun that broke through a sky that had been darkened by clouds for some days. It was a good omen. Having arrived from Villa Adriana the evening before, I passed the night with him and a number of his close friends, drinking. By the time we retired I was exhausted from my ride and slightly drunk. Seeing I was feeling less than my usual self, Hadrian bathed me and took some time afterward to give me a soothing rub. The treatment had its desired effect and we saw the breaking dawn in embraces. I sat with him as the light began to spill across the plains, touching the marble of the city. We watched as Rome turned from a rosy pink to a stark white as the sun rose higher, the few remaining clouds moving off in the far distance.

  I dressed him and accompanied him in a light repast while he received officials, as was his morning custom. I was present. He made no secret of it. None assumed anything but the truth.

  The kinds of events in which I took part that placed me in prominence, increased. Hadrian was less concerned about the public's opinions and more intent in making it clear what my part was to be with him. As his prestige grew in the eyes of the people, they were less inclined to find fault and saw his behavior as merely eccentricity that accompanied greatness. So much of what he was doing and had done for the Empire was beyond fault and impossible to criticize that, in this aspect of his nature, to show a fondness for boys seemed more a peculiarity than a vice. In his affection for me it was evident that he did not use me in the manner that so many other more notorious boy-lovers had done. His affection was neither publicly licentious nor debauched.

  By his side, but not too close, in the retinue of his close companions, I stood and watched as the throngs filled the space before us and milled about the Arcus Titi, crowding each other for a better view. The earth had been cleared of the previous structure and the ground-plan for the immense building was marked by small stone pillars wrapped in multi-colored banners. The proper incantations were spoken by the chief priest, to invoke the respective gods and spirits to the place to shower favor on the site.

  Hadrian poured a libation on the ground where the cornerstone was to be placed and made a solemn prayer to his intentions for the temple's purpose. I watched in admiration as he moved about his business, seeing how seriously he took the event. He stood erect, a gilded wreath about his head pressed against his curled hair and caught the sun's reflection each time he moved. Once, he looked my way and smiled, showing his fondness and appreciation of the event and his pleasure in the enthusiasm of the crowd.

  We watched as the Vestal Virgins brought forth the flame taken from the Temple of Vesta. This light insured peace and domesticity, symbolizing Hadrian's hoped-for unification of the Empire into a family of cooperative regions. As the torch was raised to the tripod marking the location of the cornerstone, Hadrian faced the Forum and a cheer rose from the populace as he spread his arms to bring Sabina and Lucius Commodus into them. Commodus had, at one point, assisted in the ceremonies and by this, had been shown to the people as one highly favored; a sign to indicate he might be a candidate for possible succession. Then the Emperor turned and motioned me to come forward and had me stand beside Lucius so that I was one place removed from him and in that position I was also acknowledged.

  The success of the event was enhanced by two days of celebration at the circus and by doles of money from the Emperor's own purse. He had no need to pay the Roman people for their admiration. They knew his munificence as all about the Empire could be seen the fruits of his policies and the depth of his planning. I saw his mind filled with grater aims as each project showed success. He was seeing himself increasingly as a creator of the great and impossible. He absolutely believed it was his charge by the gods to bring about still greater accord throughout the realm. It was the purpose of his mission in the East.

  As the time of departure approached I was needed more and more at his side. My position in his life came to be as sounding-board to his thoughts. He persuaded me to find fault in his dialogues, urging me to listen attentively for any convolutions in reasoning. I had to maintain diligence to keep abreast of events and issues, knowing what important topics were discussed in the Senate, what personages of prominence were currently on the lips of rumor mongers, what legislation might have import on the existing laws of the land. All these things were important for his consideration, and my part in the process was to stimulate further thought.

  I kept a notebook in which I recorded everything I thought would be of use; in this way keeping informed by gleaning bits and pieces from whatever sources I believed to be responsible ones. I took an interest in attending trials, especially those in the courts of Julianus and Priscus, whenever I happened to find myself in the city and with free time. I made it a point to take several afternoons to spend time with Critoneo, as we had not seen each other in the months since I had left the paedagogium. He had followed my steady rise to prominence and obviously enjoyed the part he had played. It was in these discussions with him that I came to learn just how carefully and with crucial intent my grooming had been directed.

  My time was divided between Rome and Villa Adriana. While in Rome, I saw more of Hadrian but it was not time of quality, the kind of quiet and introspective hours together in the country. Affairs of city and state demanded attention and I was often called upon to fill the function of a secretary. I did not begrudge this duty, but felt honored that I was able to fill some useful purpose. I grew to love him deeply, for his complexities. It was difficult to share him with those by whom he was surrounded, during the hours of state. I could not touch him as I did when we were alone at the villa or walking the fields of his estate. I wanted him all to myself!

  The weather had become lovely. All over the hillsides and fields of Tibur, flowers blossomed with the announcement of Spring. My blood warmed and my soul filed with the sounds of b
irds and the sight of game that ranged the woodlands. But whenever I received word from one of his aides that he wanted me, I flew to him, missing my little house and its privacy.

  It was on one of these excursions that I came to speak so candidly with Sabina. After our talk I sought Filiniana in the garden and found her sitting on a sunny slope that faced the Circus Maximus below us, quietly looking at the distant hills. She did not hear my approach. When I stood near, my shadow crossed her sight.

  "I've just seen your mistress," I said. "I think we have acknowledged each other and have come to an understanding."

  Filiniana kept her eyes fixed ahead. There was something on her mind.

  "What is it?" I asked, touching her shoulder.

  "I was thinking about you," she said. "I knew last night, that you were coming."

  "But how did you know? I told no one."

  Filiniana smiled and touched my cheek.

  "It was a dream. I saw you riding that horse the Emperor gave you. You rode like the wind, and although I wished myself to be the object of your haste, I knew it was to another. Please do not misunderstand my words. I make no complaint. It is just that sometimes my feelings for you run deep and I find myself wanting you in the old way. The Emperor is not the only one who finds you desirable."

  I stirred to her words. Standing close, I breathed the subtle fragrance of jasmine which I associated with her, and recalled the first time we had loved. Now I found myself in the same state of excitement.

  "You see the effect you have on me?" I said, glancing down to where my passion was obvious beneath my tunic.

  "It is what I hoped for," she whispered, taking

  my hand and rising to lead me to her chamber.

  We made our way to a lower garden where a steeply inclined path led to a part of the palace complex reserved for servants and staff.

  "I am confused," she said hesitantly.

  "Tell me," I urged.

  "It is about us, and what we do together. I know how you are with the Emperor. How is this duality possible?"

  Her question did not surprise me, as I had given it similar consideration. I experienced attraction to both. I could not deny it. Hadrian fascinated me by his powerful and bold dealings with men, balanced by understanding and fairness in hearing them out. He was able to consider and process a multiple of thoughts and projects, juggling all so that none went unattended. He was the master of his life.

  Filiniana's gentle mood and soft-spoken manner soothed me. I experienced a loosening of constraints for decorum, and explored an aspect of my being I had not known existed. I came to see that the depth of my love was enhanced by intimate contact; that full love was not possible without this particular way of expressing and feeling it as a totality.

  Yet sex alone, was not enough. Love and respect was a necessary precedent. I knew there were some who experienced exclusivity in their sexual desires but as for me, this was not within my nature. I loved and desired both, finding no need for or pressure to prioritize. Hadrian brought me ecstasy; a gift difficult to find and carefully apportioned. Filiniana brought forth a passion of a different sort, but no less compelling. My love for her was as unique as that felt for the Emperor. Therefore her question left me puzzled for an answer that would be succinct enough to explain it.

  "I listen much less to my mind than to my heart. I question little the reason why I love you and Hadrian. To question this, would be to ask for clarification of something that needs none. I love! It is a simple matter. You bring me comfort. Our friendship is exceptional because we allow much of each other."

  Suddenly I understood the exact difference that marked the separation of the quality between the two. With Filiniana, I took love and saw myself as a recipient. With Hadrian, I gave love and saw myself as an offering!

  "I know you speak the truth as you understand it," she said. "I wonder that you do not question this more!"

  Her perplexity intrigued me. I accepted love in those rare instances when its precious gift was offered, with little resistance or ambiguity. It seemed a natural thing.

  Filiniana's apartment was one of several surrounded by a little courtyard decorated with a fountain and several statues placed among the shrubbery, making the setting more pleasant. Care had been given by Hadrian's architects to make the living space as comfortable as possible. It showed concern for even the most insignificant of staff, a care for their well-being.

  Her quarters became a peaceful nest for the next two hours. I paid little attention to the time because I knew Hadrian was holding court and would not be free until after high noon. We pleased each other in the fashion we had established, and it brought satisfaction to each of us. As she believed herself to be at the time of the month in which she could likely conceive, I took the precaution of using a thin sheath of intestine which could prevent the spilling of my semen into her, a caution I had learned to utilize with her help.

  We spoke for some time afterward of the forthcoming journey to the East. Sabina had informed her that she would be in attendance and Filiniana looked with anticipation to the prospects of the adventure.

  "The Emperor spends much of his time with his troops when he is in travel," she said with some reservation. "We are not likely to see much of each other, as I am sure he will want you by his side."

  "We have spoken of the itinerary he hopes to cover. I must admit to some concern about how I shall function under these new conditions. He has advised me of the strain involved in reviewing the Legions. It appears that I am to become a novice soldier! I know I must prove myself to him and my doubts prevail as to my own capabilities to withstand the demands of field life."

  As I spoke, I could feel myself becoming more doubtful of these expected demands. Filiniana tried to reassure me by saying I was stronger now than I once had been. She saw in me a force of resolve. I wished I had the same faith in myself that she seemed to have in me. Her words did soothe me and I determined to keep my spirits and not allow myself to dwell on the unknown.

  After some while our conversation was interrupted by a centurion who had come into the courtyard calling my name. He advised me that the Emperor was free to see me. I bid Filiniana farewell and followed the soldier to the upper levels of the Palatine. The centurion left me at the main gate. By this time my face was known enough that I had no trouble getting past the guard. As I made my way to Hadrian's quarters I paused briefly on a verandah which connected his public apartments to his private rooms. It was a place where we had sat together in the past. Overlooking the public forum below, it offered a panoramic view of the Capitoline and its marvelous Temple of Concordia beyond which was the sweep of the distant Sabine Hills, and then to the flat lands of the Campagña lying in the smoky distance.

  I took in this sight, knowing it would be some time before I saw it again. Although I disliked Rome, it was not as much her stature as her people and customs that held me away. There was no denying that Rome, her buildings and grand monuments so profuse in numbers, held an attraction for me, one which went back to those early days of my arrival when all the wonder of the place overwhelmed me. Now, as I looked at her with a deeper understanding, I felt nostalgic and a need to bid her farewell, almost as though I did not expect to return. The thought made me chill with fear, and with great effort I tried to break the spell into which I had fallen.

  I found Hadrian sitting at his writing table, making notes on the morning's proceedings. He kept a diary of his judicial findings after reviewing the technicalities of a case and always looking for a new perspective or for an element he might have missed. I have seen times, after such reviews, when he has changed his findings and sent word to counteract his edict.

  He did not hear me enter. I stood until he finished with his work and when he looked up his expression gave me great concern. His habit would have been to rise smiling and come to me with open arms. Now, he remained seated and his eyes showed something amiss.

  "What is it, Lord? Something displeases you. Have I offended?"r />
  Kindness broke through his set features, which made me only slightly less concerned.

  "Come boy, sit by me," he said, moving to make place beside him. "I have received news today that I must tell you."

  Suddenly my mind was filled with a multitude of foreboding thoughts and all manner of tragedies accosted me. One of these specters was that of my mother. I felt the blood drain from my face as the thought of her filled me with fear.

  Hadrian understood my mind and quickly reassured me that it had nothing to do with family.

  "No, Antinoos. I receive periodic reports of them and they are well and cared for. This news is about someone else for whom you cared. Word came to me today that your friend Alexamenos was mortally wounded in a skirmish with barbarians in the north. His officer/lover took him from Rome, and they fell together in battle."

  Alexamenos' face flashed before me and in a sweep of seconds I saw a multitude of memories, culminating with the vision of his body lying lifeless on the battlefield. It was impossible to accept that I would never see him again. Since his departure I had assumed a return where we would renew our friendship and marvel at our adventures. We each had understood that destiny was leading to very different paths. Tears welled for words having remained unspoken and for a friendship having been taken too lightly!

  Hadrian drew me close and held me as I wept. I berated myself for not having written more often. The few letters I had sent had remained unanswered and I had taken this as a sign that he had forgotten me. I had resolved to write no more. It had not occurred to me until too late that his lack of response had been due to his discomfort with writing, a skill he had never learned fully. I was filled with sadness as my heart took on the pain of his tragedy.

  "Each has been brought back to the Legion's camp and there, they were buried." He continued speaking to me in a soft tone, showing concern. 'The boy had few possessions but there were some things found in his belongings. Would you care to have them? I can have them sent."