Antinoos and Hadrian

by R G Berube

  "They should go to his mother," I said, remembering that Alexamenos had spoken of her but a few times. She was widowed and lived alone in a hilltop village some miles from Claudiopolis. "I believe she has little enough. Perhaps some of those things may have some worth."

  Hadrian lifted my face and wiped a tear with the hem of his cloak.

  "I shall send a sum of money to her in your name, as his friend. It will make her years less difficult. You must write a note to explain your friendship and association while he was in Rome."

  As with so many other times in the past, his voice, eyes, strength, the way he looked at me; all these things swelled an emotion in me that filled me with love. I became weak with amazement at the good fortune that seemed to surround me.

  I rose and standing before him as he sat, looked deeply into his eyes. I studied his face. This man, who so completely held my heart as well as my life, was now before me as though for my bidding. The hair on his forehead, curls neatly placed by his hairdresser that morning was now less orderly and I took note of the grayness at his temples. There was the beginning of the gray in his beard I had not noticed before. I saw lines of worry and the gradual aging in his face, slowly sculptured into something new; a more concerned and worn look that displayed his responsibilities and the thoughts of his recent failing health.

  I came close to his ear. "Would you tell me the truth if I asked a question of you?"

  Hadrian moved away slightly, scrutinizing my request.

  "My little Bithynian, what could be on your mind that you would ask such a question? I will answer after I have heard what you have to ask."

  "Tell me if you have experienced any further attacks such as the one you had at the villa?"

  He remained silent for some moments.

  "Two more," he finally answered. "But of less serious nature. My physician advises me not to travel. He has asked that I give up my plans to visit the Eastern Provinces."

  "And what will you do?"

  "Disregard his opinion and continue with plans." he said, laughing as he stood, lifting me in his arms and bringing me to his couch. "I am not about to let myself become a slave to this affliction. It is temporary, I am sure of it. The gods are merely showing me that I should not take the honors recently accorded, too seriously.

  "Let us leave all these somber discussions and speak of more pleasant things."

  With this, he slapped my rump and let his hand remain.

  "Yes," I said, holding him around the neck as he lowered me to the divan. "For now, I ache to love you and have you as a part of me. Will you?"

  Hadrian's smile and his passion showed that our wants were similar, and I lost the track of time as we surrendered ourselves to needs which had come as a result of our recent separation.

  The late afternoon became cooled by clouds that had drifted in from the north and it was the wind that came through the open window that brought me fully awake. Beside me, Hadrian slept, the deep sound of his breathing making his chest reverberate. I never seemed to tire of looking at him. Each time, I saw something different. Now he seemed but an ordinary man, resting in the recent pleasures of his body in the comfort of sleep.

  I wondered how long he would consider me attractive? How long would I hold him with whatever power with which I seemed to attract such a prominent one who could command any number of wonderful youths more impressive than I? At what point would he no longer see me as the boy who drew his attention and interest in the past; a time that now seemed so far away! I tried to imagine a life without him as my focus, and could not. I would be nothing without him and knew fully that all my existence was connected to him alone. Without him I ceased to have purpose.

  To what extent could I hold myself to be all that was necessary for his pleasure and love? I knew the forthcoming journey would be a test, one that would either show me worthy or reveal my limitations. I felt resentment at finding myself in the position of having to meet stringent expectations; being placed on a pedestal for inspection and evaluation!

  In the silent moments as I lay beside him, feeling his strength and force against me, I let myself absorb as much of his essence as possible. I held him tightly and he stirred, turning to me in his sleep, bringing me even more tightly against himself without waking.

  Sometime after the tenth hour, he woke with a start, breathing heavily. I had fallen back to sleep in his arms and his sudden movement startled me. I sat up, looking at him as he swung his feet to the floor and stood, his body wet with sweat. He was trembling.

  "Lord, do not leave yet. Let me hold you!"

  Hadrian turned to look at me and I saw that his smile masked pain. It lined his face.

  "It will take more than your arms, my love, to rid me of these dreadful evils that follow me even into sleep."

  It was obvious that he had seen once again the familiar phantoms that had so often disturbed him of late. There was little I could do, and felt useless to him.

  "Come," he reached for my hand, trying to shake off the feared premonitions. "We will go to the baths. I want to rid myself of the day's tensions. I also want to show you in public. The time has come for you to be seen as someone of permanence. It is time for you to be acknowledged for who you are, Antinoos. Dress quickly!"

  His words had been spoken seriously and I understood that he was putting into place a plan. I was not to be seen as the Emperor's dalliance as so many thought me to be. He wanted no doubt in the minds of those who opposed my position or who looked upon me as a frivolity that I was not someone with whom he occupied his idle hours!

  His words wore heavy on my mind. I knew they meant that I was to find myself with more strenuous and prestigious responsibilities. I could not deny the pride and sense of security of my elevation. He was showing me that I was passing from the boy he had cherished and protected, to a youth maturing and coming into his own, needing to engage with the world about him. When we left his quarters, I had the distinct sensation I had aged considerably in those few moments and with a surge of pride, I walked taller.

  We made our way by horseback to the Thermae of Traianae. I had been there before, but never in his company. Now our arrival was conspicuous as we approached, surrounded by several Praetorians. Word spread quickly of the Emperor’s arrival. The idle and curious gathered to observe. I followed him to the apodyteria where we undressed and left our garments and went on to the sudatiria, a room heated to produce a sweat that could clean the pores. I sat close by his side, watching his body slowly begin to relax under the influence of the heat.

  Hadrian spoke to those who approached him, listening to the usual list of appeals and requests for special favors and considerations; always giving the momentary speaker his full attention. He had a way of making the least of those around him feel important, even if just for the moment.

  Two Senators sat nearby waiting for him to finish so to have his ear. They watched me with interest, scrutinizing as they spoke in whispers to each other. I was not being held in high esteem, I could see. When our eyes met I smiled cordially and bowed slightly as a sign of respect, then turned my eyes away before they could disengage contact.

  When Hadrian was finally free of the petitioners, he motioned for the Senators to join him. I made a motion to vacate my place beside him, intending to move a short distance away to give them privacy. Hadrian touched my arm to indicate that I should remain. The men were forced to share a small section of the bench on the Emperor's other side. The discussion was brief and strained, having to do with a series of proposed taxes meant to be targeted for the Jews of Alexandria. It would be a means by which the Roman Senate could express its displeasure at the recent religious and political unrest thought to have been provoked by those habitually discordant people.

  Hadrian made his feelings known, saying it would do no good to levy taxes at a selected few, excluding other various sects and factions. He thought that to give these resentful people the notoriety of attention and cause for further discord, would be to play into t
heir hands. They seemed to thrive on adversity and abuse, seeking disharmony as though it were food for their souls.

  I came to realize at this encounter, just how much of the political life and machinations of the Empire actually took place outside the chambers of the Senate. The baths and forum were as much a part of the government structure as its buildings of state. All manner of business was conducted in the various rooms of the numerous baths of Rome. For many, thermae was a social club, business office, courtroom a place where one might escape a shrewish wife. Women were not allowed the same hours as the men. Hadrian had put a stop to the practice of the baths being used by both sexes simultaneously. He felt they had become lascivious places, used for illicit reasons, and too much freedom had been taken by the women who attended them.

  Once the discussion with the senators was terminated we moved to the caldarium. The interior was filled with steam. I sprinkled water onto his sweating body. He did the same to me. We took care as we scraped each other with the strigil, removing the accumulated grime of an active day.

  It was at this time that Hadrian noticed an aging man, an older soldier he recognized as someone who had once served under him during his days in Pannonia. With great difficulty the man tried to scrape himself against one of the stone pillars. Hadrian asked why he was doing this. He replied that in his old age there was little enough money for the luxury of owning a slave or two, and not enough to hire a boy of the baths to do the scraping for him. Upon hearing this, Hadrian instructed one of the assistants to attend to the old soldier. I later was told that he had made a sum of money available to keep the man in comfort for the rest of his days. This act of generosity became known throughout. On return to the baths some days later, Hadrian found several elderly men scraping themselves against walls and pillars, hoping to be similarly blessed by the Emperor's kindness. But all they received was a suggestion that their toil would be much less strenuous if they cooperated and scraped each other!

  At nightfall I bid Hadrian farewell and with two escorts, rode with the setting sun, wanting to

  Julianus' villa before dark. I had sent Gracchus word that I would come to spend two days with him. Hadrian would join us on the morrow, after having concluded duties. We were to enjoy a day of hunting before he had to return to the Senate and address them on issues of military actions in the northern frontiers.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Nearing The East , Spring 128 AD.

  I had little time for thoughts of anything but the fast-approaching date of departure. In those weeks of April each day was filled with details assigned to me. As part of the Imperial Party I was expected to bring together not only my own things but Hadrian's personal belongings as well. There were diaries which he kept for the recording of his memoirs, intending to have them published for his close friends. There were parchments and scrolls of information that he had collected and catalogued, having to do with various regions of the empire, telling their histories, their rulers, patriarchs, prefects, military advisors and governors, and in all of these he had a personal file of how well these individuals had carried out their duties. He hoped to meet with each one and reward those who had held to ethics, and remove and punish those who had been an embarrassment to the state.

  I spent days with his slaves, deciding his wardrobe and which jewels and ornaments were to be brought; which items of his huge collection of military hardware would be taken. Each night I met him to discuss the most current items being readied. Hadrian had modest tastes in dress. But for this journey he knew there would be a need to impress those who saw power as an adornment of splendor. He knew the importance of setting the stage!

  Evenings were filled with private interviews. Some of the responsibilities of governing would be delegated and for this business, especially with his most intimate aids and friends, he reserved the quiet hours after the day's work was put aside. I spent every night in his bed except for those spent at Villa Adriana, where I returned to get my own things and close quarters.

  The countryside was resplendent with a new growth of grass. Flowers in full bloom carpeted the fields and woods surrounding his estate, and trees swayed gently in the breezes of a departed winter. The distant mountains and valleys channeled these currents of air from the north. On the far horizon I could see snow still capping the higher peaks. But here the earth lived once more, and I found myself torn between the solitude of the country and the passion and excitement of the city!

  I gave careful attention to those things I had to bring, as not much room would be allowed for luxuries. A few changes of clothes, mostly things worn in the warm weather, would be all I would need. Writing implements were carefully packaged in anticipation of my hopes to keep a detailed account of the journey. Hadrian intended for me to continue my studies.

  Antipas was dismayed to learn that he too, would be expected to accompany the Royal Party. He was a man advanced in years and one not inclined to leave the comforts of home. I spoke to Hadrian about this, hoping he would reverse his decision and allow the frail teacher to return to Rome and by this act, also relieve me of the burden of studies. Not that I disliked my books. On the contrary, I loved learning and looked forward to daily meetings with Antipas. But on this journey I was sure there would be much to see and do; that the journey itself would be an education. I felt I could manage my own schedule of learning.

  "Why put the man through so much difficulty," I tried to reason with him. "Antipas dreads this journey!"

  "And has he told you this?" Hadrian seemed surprised.

  "There is no need for him to voice it," I answered in defense. "I have eyes! And where are yours, Lord? This is unseemly of you, if you will permit me the liberty !"

  I had no experience in criticizing the Emperor and it would be considered insolent and a cause for whipping, if overheard by others. But I knew he was open to my opinions and seldom had he caused me to feel reluctant to speak frankly. But in the past these expressions had usually pertained to my own feelings and doubts. Now, I tested how far I could go with him.

  "Think you that I press for this for no other reason than to have my own way? Antinoos, Antipas can be of help to me. I will have need of his counsel, and you will have need of what he has to teach. I know you are capable of learning much and there will be no time to spare of what you will come to need to know.

  "And Antipas is too protective of his comforts. This I have seen from past experience. His laments, I am sure he has expressed some without directing them to you, are only to make you more sympathetic so you will be his advocate. I am touched by your concern for him."

  Hadrian would not hear more. His only concession was to assure me the tutor would be well cared for and protected from excessive fatigue.

  One evening I found Hadrian in a particularly dark mood. He had spent a difficult day in session with an ambassador of one of the many Jewish cults of Alexandria. This man had been sent to press the Emperor for special exemption from the Roman tax that maintained the Legions. These troops protected the inhabitants of the city from the quarrelsome Jewish factions continuously at odds with each other and their surroundings.

  Hadrian was utterly exhausted and still filled with anger at the man's absurd demands. The silence frightened me. Sitting in the shadow of a sole lamp, the room was in darkness. The heat of the day had persisted into evening. He sat by the window, clothed in a light tunic. Sweat was on his brow and he looked uncomfortable. When my hand touched his shoulder I was alarmed by the coldness of his skin. He raised his head slightly. It took him effort to do so. Our eyes met. I saw despair mixed with fear. Frustration lined his face.

  I had come to consider him invincible and had seen his strength and power of determination. Nothing was too difficult, no project too complex. Had seen him standing under the weight of his responsibility and remain fresh and vital after hours at court. I had witnessed long periods where he had been barraged and besieged by hundreds who sought petitions and special favors. In all these times he had returne
d to me smiling and filled with energy and desire. To see him tired and withdrawn alarmed me.

  Seeing him now bent, deep in thought, touched

  me to the core. A great surge of love welled within me and I found myself wanting to take him in my arms; to be his shield against the world that oppressed him. Had he not done so for me untold times before?

  "You seem so sad," I said. "Is there something I can do to relieve you of this oppression?"

  "You give me what I need by being here, my love. Too many times I have wished I had not made you the gift of the villa. Sit here with me for a while."

  I put my arms around him. His body was tense. I held him and said nothing, knowing he had much on his mind and not wanting to interrupt his thoughts. Some moments passed before he spoke again.

  "Do you love me?"

  His question surprised me. Hadrian had never asked this before. His tone reflected his concern and doubt.

  "I love no one else," I answered.

  "Would you continue loving me if I hurt you?"

  "In what manner, Lord?"

  "People invariably hurt those they love most, Antinoos! How will you feel when this happens. Will you stop loving me?"

  The suggestion that a time could come when I might stop loving this gentle and caring man, was one I found impossible to imagine and wondered what event, what manner of circumstance would cause it. Would he find someone else? Would he come to see me in a different light? Would I change? Was my love for him, too much? Was it enough? The seeds of doubt took root.

  Fear lurked within. It had made itself known before but I had always pushed it aside and forced more joyful thoughts to take its place. Still it persisted and was ever-present, instilling doubt whenever my mood became melancholy and my will, weak. This knife-edge capable of removing me from the reality of the present could send me hurling into a space filled with suspicion and jealously haunting me in wake and sleep. The knowledge was that Hadrian had fallen in love with me when I was someone else. I was growing older and changes were taking place that made me much different from the boy who had won his attraction, years before in Bithynia. Could I keep his heart?