Antinoos and Hadrian

by R G Berube

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Between Two Posts, Mid-July 128 AD.

  It had been a strenuous week. Much had been done to rectify the decline of morale and instability of the land and people. Work on the aqueduct was begun as architects drew the plans and compiled lists of materials that would be required. It was decided that a thousand Roman artisans and laborers would be sent from Rome to assist the local work force. Hadrian allotted a large sum of money for this project and deposited it with the Regional Prefect. This man had been found more honest than corrupt, during the investigation. Although he had taken advantage of his position by accepting payments for favors granted, these had not been notorious or excessive. it was understood that certain posts had, as their right, benefits not specifically assigned. Abuse of power was judged by greed and boldness. The Prefect had been neither. Hadrian reaffirmed his trust by making this man the responsible party for managing the accounts, thereby imposing a guarantee of loyalty.

  Satisfied that the gods were again smiling upon him, his spirits rose and his mood improved. Fatigue was hidden behind his smile and laughter. With the serious business of court protocol and the military reviews laid aside, Hadrian allotted some days for pleasure before our next official inspection at Larai.

  A small cortege of friends, prominent citizens, and some high-ranking military rode into the near-by hills, led by the Emperor. We were to hunt boar and a variety of other game animals found in abundance about the forested slopes.

  Having made camp that night, we dined sumptuously on game caught that day. The soldiers in attendance were happy to get something other than their usual meal of grain, vegetables, and cheese. The bread, I was told and eventually came to experience, was almost always stale and hard, the vegetables seldom fresh, and the cheese so unpalatable that it was often left untouched. Such was the standard military diet. All this would be washed down with a low-grade wine. Meat was served only for special celebrations.

  On the morrow, we broke camp and mounted before sun-up. The scorching heat was already in evidence and an early start would get us to the river just when the game arrived for morning drink. This valley offered a particular variety of large cat that Hadrian considered a challenge. He often took pleasure in placing himself in danger. The hunt, at this point, placed a strain on our relationship as I was not looking forward to being exposed to the perils everyone said would face us. I was yet unsure of my marksmanship and the little training I had received had not made me bold enough to face such a beast without trepidation. Hadrian seemed almost undaunted by my concern.

  We had been sitting quietly one evening, after a long day's hunt. Boar enough to feed the entire camp had been killed. Hadrian was still charged by the excitement of the chase. He was stained with dust and sweat but very excited, exhibiting a fervor and zest that I had not often been privy to observe. I continued bathing his face and shoulders as I spoke.

  "You know I have no experience in this, Lord. You have more faith in my abilities than I have in myself. I speak frankly in saying that tomorrow's hunt makes me anxious."

  Hadrian took my arm and drew me around to face him, pulling me to kneel at his feet.

  "You have come far, Antinoos. Yet you continue to doubt yourself and all that is within you, comes slowly. Open your heart and mind to all that you are! You learn quickly. You have watched me and you can watch me again tomorrow. Experience instructs like no other teacher."

  I laid my head upon his knee and reached to stroke his arm.

  "Do you not tire of having me as a student? Am I not a nuisance?"

  "You are both a pleasure and a burden," he said, playing with the curls at my neck. "I delight in your growth. I watch with interest how you deal with what is around you. Many in your position would be unable to withstand the scrutiny and pettiness of our detractors. You show courage. This has moved me to be less protective of you, and that is a reduced burden.

  "But you also indulge yourself in fatalistic speculation about the future of our relationship. Thoughts are living things, Antinoos! Once given birth, they grow strong in our minds even when we are not aware of their presence. And thoughts ripple outward to the universe like rings of water set in motion by a tossed stone. Thoughts give direction to our every waking action and ultimately influence everything and everyone we touch. See clearly what is fact and reality.

  "Antinoos, I give you leave to question me about the thoughts that cause you distress. There is more to this anxiety than the fear of hunting the cat. Of late, your face has been more shadowed with concern. At first I ascribed your mood to this journey and the newness of being in such a public posture. Your status as boy-companion to the Emperor leaves you open to all manner of public speculation. They look to find weakness in you. How well you fare in their judgment is a reflection on my own character in having chosen you."

  "And this very judgment of you," I said, "is what makes me fearful of tomorrow. I fear that I will disappoint you."

  He placed his finger to his lips to silence me. "Be reassured that you are most precious to me, Antinoos. You bring sunshine and tenderness to a life that has been burdened with the weight or responsibility, one seldom free from the public eye. Each moment together is like an oasis, a time of quiet and peace that sustains me through the storms."

  "Yes, but could someone else not give you this?"

  He smiled, took my head between his hands and kissed my lips.

  "How foolish it would be for me to seek something that is already mine? I have what I need Antinoos. It is you!"

  "There are so many others. Are you never tempted?"

  "Temptation is constant. The eye wanders. No man or woman has existed who, even with a lover that is constant, has not seen pleasures and temptations. It is natural. I look at you and realize my treasure. I will make love to no other as long as we are united."

  The words could not extinguish the flame of doubt. How long would he continue finding me desirable? And what of his illness? Few Emperors had ruled for as long as he had been in power. Roman history is filled with rulers who have been quietly or violently disposed. Few have died of natural causes or old age.

  The Emperor had not yet officially chosen his successor. No Emperor has been without enemies or supposed friends aspiring for the throne. My tutor never failed to point out these facts or those events. No matter how well he ruled, there were detractors in the Senate and enemies abroad who would stand to gain from his deposition. There has always been a lucrative business of dispensing poisonous potions, in Rome. And what would my fate be, then?

  Hadrian called for Athenoseos, who entered with a flagon of wine and morsels to eat. Since his escape from the ship, Athenoseos had gained weight and his cheeks were no longer sunken as they had been when we had first met. Seeing him now, it was obvious that he was happier. I no longer felt him a threat for there had been no cause for suspicion.

  I questioned him about my concerns.

  "You find him attractive?" I asked cautiously.

  Athenoseos responded quickly, knowing exactly what I meant.

  "You enjoy men, Antinoos. I do not! It is not that I have not bedded with them. I have, and the act has satisfied me when it was not forced. But much of my experience with men has been men I have disliked intensely. It is not my nature. I have acted the part of the woman only to save my skin or to make my life more tolerable. Left to my own taste, I would choose a woman."

  Athenoseos was younger than I by two years, but in so many ways he was much older. His life had been one of toil and abuse until Hadrian had lifted him from his misery.

  "The Emperor is a handsome man. You are fortunate that he has chosen you," Athenoseos spoke candidly. "He is a good man. Because of him I look forward to each day. I used to curse the gods for my fate. I know now that I have been given an opportunity seldom offered to others such as I."

  It was highly unusual for a boy to go directly into the Emperor's service without careful grooming. Athenoseos was engaged by Hadrian's commend and agai
nst the better judgment of his advisors. Hadrian had decided that Athenoseos had suffered enough. The paedagogium training was long and arduous and more abuse would have been experienced there.

  "Be assured," Athenoseos continued. "The Emperor has never approached me in that manner, nor has he given me sign that the thought has crossed his mind. We do not compete, Antinoos. I value my position and am resolved to do nothing that would put me in danger."

  I was shamed for not trusting Hadrian, there having been no cause to doubt his love or faithfulness. Yet the thought that he might consider seeing someone else, that he might feel the need to be with someone other than I, plagued me. For this, I vilified myself with all manner of self-deprecation; all as result of deep insecurity. It was detestable behavior to which I felt ashamed to admit but clung to with sickening resolve.

  We rose before the sun and saddled our mounts with speed. Once reaching the area in which the great cats foraged, we stopped to take food. Hadrian had been careful to choose his weapon, a great bow that stood as tall as he. He handed a similar one to me, and when I tried to flex it to attach the string I found it almost impossible to bend. He showed me how it was done, bracing the end with one foot and with a quick, firm motion the top relented enough to loop the string into its notch.

  It took me several attempts to master the technique to his satisfaction. When done, he smiled with satisfaction. I had passed his test. The strength required made me realize just how beneficial my exercises with the Praetorian Guards had been, at Villa Hadriana.

  Catapult sensed the excitement of the hunt and every fiber of her body was attuned to my commands. With Borysthenes galloping beside her, she swung her head from side to side and snorted wildly to show her fervor. I rode proudly beside the Emperor, fully aware of the eyes upon us, realizing the favorable impression I was making with my riding and stature.

  Hadrian instructed aides to ride ahead and look for tracks at a watering hole that lay nestled between two small hills in the distance. They returned to report they had found evidence of a kill, with much disturbed earth and blood stained tracks which led back in the direction from which we came. The party divided with groups of riders fanning to the left and right. It was believed the cats had carried the carcass into the tall grasses that lay between us and the watering hole. Careful to ride into the wind, the horses became quieted

  as though understanding the need for stillness. After some distance, the Emperor raised his arm.

  "Dismount," he said. "We walk from here. Take care that each man has someone behind to cover a miss. Be silent! They may be feeding, but are never so hungry that they become less watchful."

  With the horses left in care of a groom, six of us began to walk into the high grass, listening for sounds that would indicate feeding animals. Hadrian sniffed the air.

  "Can you smell them," he said, showing he knew the prey was in the vicinity. It amused me how, occasionally, he stopped and flared his nostrils to take in the odor on the wind such as I had seen the hounds doing in times past. I tried to do the same but could get no scent other than my own and of the surrounding grasses.

  "There is no mistaking the smell of cat," he said. "I should have known it in my youth when I met the one who gave me this," he pointed to his side where there still remained the scar of that encounter. "Their urine leaves no doubt. But you can also smell the kill. Stay close behind, Antinoos. The beast could come charging through without a moment's notice. She may already know we are about and waits for the first sign of moving grass to make her leap."

  Suddenly the comfort I felt with him was dissipated by the thought that I could have a killer at my rear, ready to tear me open and drag me off. I looked behind.

  "Have your arrow ready, but hold it at your side.

  It is too easy for it to discharge as we walk among the reeds. Pull clean, Antinoos. Load it quickly and pull clean," he whispered. "Wait for me to shoot and should I miss or should the shot not be mortal, I will step aside and let you fire."

  We carefully continued our way between the clumps of reeds and althea. For the moment my mind wandered as I thought of the times grandfather and I had gathered the plant which he used in medicine, and almost walked into Hadrian. He had stopped, raised his hand, and now stood motionless.

  "Listen," he said, pointing to a place beyond sight to our left. I began to distinguish something different from the sound made by the wind passing through the reeds.

  "They are feeding, still," he said, whispering in my ear. "Hear? I detect at least two."

  The sound was faint, but clear. Growls punctuated the stillness as they devoured the meal. Then it seemed to me that I detected a pungent scent, but could not be sure it was not a trick of my imagination.

  "There's no mistaking that," I commented, turning up my nose at the scent of ammonia, now undeniable.

  "We are interlopers here, Antinoos. They are fierce beasts and will defend their territory and their kill. Follow quietly, boy. Come!"

  Hadrian moved cautiously, step by step, always watching where he placed his foot. Behind, the others followed to my right, some none too quiet for the business at hand.

  "Will they not frighten the animals?" I whispered. "They are much too loud."

  "To our favor lad. By now the cats have heard what we have heard and they will come our way. They attempt escape first, before charging.” He explained with patience. “Stand your ground. We will wait here."

  Everything around us was silent save the noise of the other party. Those behind understood the tactic and waited for the cats to be flushed in our direction. Then the silence was broken by a thunderous roar that sounded too close for my comfort but Hadrian, poised, strung his bow and chose an arrow. The thick projectile was tipped with a sharp bronze point that was barbed on each side to remain in the flesh when it struck. I moved three paces behind and waited, my own arrow pointed to the ground.

  Hadrian turned and looked at me, and the gleam in his eye told me of what he was about to do and I could not believe it; sure he would not give me such a challenge.

  Before I could discuss the questionable sanity of the decision with him, he moved aside and bid I take the first shot. My feet turned to stone. My arms seemed to lose all sense of feeling. I strained to keep the bow raised and aimed. I dared not look at him but kept my gaze focused on the tall grass ahead, looking for any sign of the charging beasts.

  "For the love of Jove, Hadrian, what are you trying to do to me...!" I called to him, my voice sounding angrier than it should. "Are you mad?"

  "Silence," he said sternly. "Pay attention to what you are doing and make your aim true. Others behind you are alert. Take the first beast that appears. The other will be attended to."

  Then less sternly and with concern in his voice, Hadrian blew me a kiss as he covered me with his weapon.

  "I have trust in your ability, my love. Believe in yourself. Little is learned when little is risked."

  Conversation was stopped by the sound of an approaching animal, obvious as the tall grasses were flung aside as it ran through them. The cat's sound was now so close that I could feel the reverberations of its growls against my body. The only thing that kept me from pissing was pride. I did have an image to uphold! Looking back now, I see how committed I was to the pride of my position and of keeping myself clear of any cause for humiliation that would reflect on Hadrian. In the most dire of times it seems, I was conscious of stately decorum.

  I recall the exact moment I let loose the string and in slow motion, the arrow flew to its mark. The spotted cat had broken through the reeds and was headed straight for me, its mouth open with fangs still dripping with the blood of its meal. I saw its eyes take in all it could see, trying to decide which intruder it would charge and tear apart. The cat stopped in stride for a moment as the tip of the arrow entered through the breast bone between its front legs. Before it fell, Hadrian shot his arrow and it entered at the neck. Two females that followed it behind were likewise brought down by others who had
stood ready for any event. Three cats lay before us. The male, still alive, was thrashing in its last attempts to rise. I drew another arrow and approached slowly. Before I let loose the shot, the cat stopped moving and its large head became still.

  "Was it my head or his that you wanted for a trophy?" I said to the Emperor, hysterically. "You practically killed me, Hadrian. Did you have that much confidence?"

  He placed both hands on my shoulders and I saw an injured look in his eyes.

  "Dear Antinoos, did you think I would allow harm to come to you? Your beauty will never be marred by my hand."

  He embraced me, caring little that we were being observed.

  "My purpose was to have you experience your courage. You have learned that you posses the strength. Do not deny your abilities! I am proud of what you have done today!"

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Rome, Again, Late July 128 AD.

  The end of July saw us on the seas again, returning to Italy. Hadrian's mission to the northern regions of Africa had been more successful than he had hoped. The deluge had reaffirmed his connection with the gods and many had begun to believe that he was one, himself! In my eyes this was not far from the truth.

  I have witnessed him in full military garb, with the heat of the African sun at high noon, riding with head held high and with barely a trace of perspiration while I, riding beside him, was soaked through with sweat and close to collapse. He looked most majestic in armor and helmet, solidly seated on Borysthenes, challenging the rest who followed. The man transcended his mortal bonds and filled me with an awe that only a god could command.

  Day after day of review, we walked and rode through endless lines of legions. The weather had offered no relief, until the miracle of the rains arrived. I faced each day with the fear that it would be the one which would mark my inability to withstand the hardships which the legions bore. It was this fear that forced the resolve not to give in to the heat, thirst, the aching back and buttocks, the endless insects and ever-present scrutiny of those who hoped to see me falter. I long for the peace and comfort of my apartments at Villa Adriana.