With nothing else to do, I rest my head on top of my girlfriend’s and let the sound of her breathing lull me to sleep.
WE ARRIVE AT THE hotel shortly after three in the afternoon. The four of us sit in the lobby, waiting as Heather and Dan retrieve our room key. I can tell Kayleigh is anxious but I try not to think too much into it. There are a million reasons she could be on edge. I put my arm around her waist and pull her into my side. She peeks up at me and smiles.
“Alright, you’re all adults.” Heather tells us and we all stand. “Just don’t get caught underage drinking.”
“That means you two.” Brandon tells Kayleigh and Josephine, causing me to chuckle.
“Aw, I forgot you’re still a baby.” I pinch her cheeks and she smacks my hand away with a playful glare. This is the Kayleigh I fell for.
Heather watches us lovingly. “Okay. Dad and I will be in the suite across the hall. We’re trusting you. Please don’t make us regret it.”
“Yes ma’am.” I quip, earning a lighthearted slap to my arm.
We each take a key and the four of us pile into the elevator to make our way up to the top floor. I wrap my arms around Kayleigh from behind, loving the way she melts into my touch. Jo coos while Brandon pretends to gag.
“So, what do you say we change into our bathing suits and head down to the pool bar?” Bran suggests as soon as we get in the room.
Nodding in agreement, we all go to our bedrooms. Kayleigh and I take the master since we’re a couple. Brandon and Jo take the other two. I pull our suitcases over near the bed and open mine to find my bathing suit. Once I have it, I go into the bathroom. I’ve needed to pee since the second flight took off.
When I come back out, Kayleigh is already changed. Now that she’s standing there in such minimal clothing, her weight loss is evident. Her stomach almost concaves and her hip bones protrude from her body. I can practically count each one of her ribs.
“God damn, babe. You are eating, right?” By the look on her face, she thinks I’m complimenting her, but that’s not what I meant. Still, I don’t want to make her upset.
“Of course, I am. Why?”
She walks over to stand in front of the mirror and take in her own appearance. I step behind her, watching as her eyes rake over her body. Very gently, in fear of breaking her, I graze my fingers over her skin – starting at her defined shoulder blades and going down all the way down to her waistline. I notice the expression on her face. She’s disgusted.
“You’re beautiful.” I breathe, thinking to myself that she looked better before. “Always have been, always will be.”
She smiles at my words but it doesn’t reach her eyes. The best thing to do is take her attention off her body, so that’s exactly what I do. I spin her around and press my lips to hers in a fiery kiss. When she gasps in surprise, I use the opportunity to thrust my tongue into her mouth, enjoying the taste I crave.
Just as I’m about to untie her top, my best friend pounds on the door, shouting for us to hurry up. My head drops and I sigh. “Remind me again why I tolerate him?”
Kayleigh giggles sweetly. “Because he’s your best friend and you love him.”
‘I love you more.’ I think in my head, but Jason was right. I need to make the first time I tell her romantic, so I keep my mouth shut and follow her out into the living room.
WE’RE STANDING NEXT TO the pool, nodding along to the music and enjoying the energy in the atmosphere. Everyone around us is either drunk or high. The bass from the DJ’s speaker is vibrating the ground beneath our feet. It’s all electric.
As I glance around the place, I notice how many guys are checking out my girlfriend. A possessive feeling courses through my veins and I move myself closer to her. I smirk when I see all the glares being thrown my way when they realize she’s taken. At the same time, however, something is off about her.
“What’s wrong?” I ask into her ear so no one else can hear us. She shrugs and uses her arms to cover her stomach. “Hey, none of that.”
“What?”
She really has no idea how wonderful she is and it’s my job to tell her.
“You are the most beautiful woman here. If you’d stop comparing yourself to others, you’d see how many guys are jealous of me right now.” I carefully remove her arms from her body and place them around my neck. “I’m so lucky you’re mine.”
My words may not be the cure all end all, but they do make a difference. She smiles brightly and pulls me down into a passionate kiss. I lift her up by her waist and groan as she wraps her legs around my hips. Usually, she would never kiss me like this in public, but the way her lips move against mine – it’s like no one else is here.
AN HOUR LATER, SHE’S starting to become fidgety. Her fingers tug at her hair and at different sections of her skin. The logical side of me tells me it’s her crashing from being high but I shake the thought away and try to enjoy our time together. A few minutes later, she turns to me.
“I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
Jo overhears and perks up. “Do you want me to come with you? It’s a zoo out here.”
She shakes her head too quickly for it to not be alarming. “No, that’s okay. You have fun. I’ll manage.”
It’s then that I see it – the familiar locket hanging around her neck. She kisses me once more then walks away, leaving me to watch her disappear into the crowd. She’s going to get high.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING, I’M completely terrified as I go to wake her up. After finding out she’s so hooked on coke that she snuck it on an airplane, I know I need to make this last attempt. Still, that doesn’t make me any less afraid. I’ve never said those three words to anyone. It’s taken me this long to not freak out when I think them, let alone say it out loud.
“Baby.” I whisper, shaking her lightly. When she notices it’s not morning yet, she groans and moves the pillow on top of her head. I chuckle, taking it away and placing it out of her reach. “Come on, wake up.”
She opens her eyes and narrows them on me. “Is this a thing you do? Wake people up at ass o’clock in the morning when you’re close to a beach?”
A small laugh bubbles out of my mouth as I think about how well she knows me. I nod to answer her question and help her sit up. We both get dressed and quietly make our way out of the suite, careful not to wake my siblings. I hold Kayleigh’s hand tightly as we walk out onto the beach and take a seat.
I sit behind her and pull her as close to me as possible, rubbing my hand on her knee. The sunrise is breathtaking but my mind is anywhere but on that. My heart is pounding so hard I’m surprised she can’t hear it, or even feel it where my chest is against her back. This is it – my last defense crumbles down as I admit to her the one thing I never thought I’d say.
“Kayleigh?” I ask with shaky breathing. She hums and turns her head to the side but still watches the sight in front of us. I bite my lip before letting the words tumble from my mouth. “I love you.”
She stops breathing and her head whips around to look at me. I can’t move. I’m stuck in a trance so I just stare into her eyes. This girl has the ability to crush me into a million pieces and all I can do is hope she won’t. As the seconds tick by slowly, I start to think she’s not going to respond, but then she smiles.
“I love you too, so much.”
A relieved laugh emits from the back of my throat as I do exactly what I need right now – I kiss her. Had I known hearing those words come from her lips would feel this good, I would have told her months ago.
IF I THOUGHT WE were all over each other before, after this morning – we’ve become inseparable. I can’t seem to wipe the broad smile from my face. It’s as if everything we have been through is more than worth it. I’ve never been so happy.
“Are you hungry?” I ask as we lie in bed, fresh off a make-out session.
She flops her head towards me. “I could eat. I want to shower first though.”
“How about you get in the show
er and I’ll run down to the café and get us something for lunch?”
“Sounds perfect.”
I stand from the bed and pull her with me, kissing her forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She blushes.
The two of us go our separate ways, her into the bathroom and me to go retrieve our meals. Just as I reach the hotel hallway, I realize I forgot my phone. I turn around and head back into our bedroom, only to hear something that makes my heart shatter. Stepping closer to the bathroom, I listen as Kayleigh snorts a line of coke and breathes a sigh of relief.
Every hope and dream I had for the two of us comes crashing down around me. Even expressing how much she means to me isn’t enough to get her to stop. I press my back against the wall and slide down until I’m sitting on the floor – allowing the tears to pour from my eyes as the love of my life does drugs on the other side of the door.
THE REST OF THE vacation, I do my best to enjoy the time we have left together. Knowing what I need to do next, I can’t be sure we’ll still be together when all is said and done. As soon as we get back to Maine, I get the information I need and dial the number of the one person I was hoping I’d never have to call.
“Hello?” The man answers.
“Mr. Hartman, it’s Holden Rivers.”
Chapter Twenty Eight
Out of the very many things I pictured Kayleigh and I doing this summer, sending her to rehab was never among them. After calling her stepfather, he assured me that I did the right thing. He asked if I thought it was bad enough to where they should come pick her up now, but I said no. It would destroy her if she couldn’t finish out her freshman year. Luckily, he agreed with me and since then, we’ve been communicating almost daily as we both look for the best facility to send her to.
There have been a few times where she almost caught me. One of the rehabilitation centers called me back while she was with me and I practically had to tackle her to keep her from answering the phone. By the grace of God, she didn’t think too much of it. However, that could just be because she’s too high to realize anything is wrong – the same way she hasn’t noticed the change in me.
The anniversary of my parent’s fatal accident is coming up. No matter how many years pass, it never gets easier. All I can remember is the month of April being filled with one bad event after another – from being told my parents are never coming back, to having to attend their funeral, to being thrown into foster care until Heather and Dan could get me out and home with them.
Needless to say, this month is always a struggle. The only thing I want is for my girlfriend to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Instead, she’s spending almost every night with Jade, getting higher than Mount Everest and ignoring everything else in the world – me included.
My phone vibrates on the desk in front of me, notifying me of a new text message.
Bianca: Hey. How are you today?
I sigh as I read it. I know she’s the last person I should be talking to but I can’t help it. She’s always known exactly what to say to make it all at least a little easier. Every year, she remembers that this month is hard for me, and every year, she sends me a text to let me know she’s there if I need her. It’s probably the only selfless thing she ever does.
Me: I’ve been better.
Thoughts of an absent Kayleigh flow through my mind. Yeah, I’ve definitely been better. A part of me wonders if I should just be talking to Brandon about it, but he always says the same thing and it never really helps. He’s great with giving advice on most things. This topic just isn’t one of them. I could also sit my girlfriend down and force her to listen. However, the idea of her blowing it off and going to get high instead has me shutting that plan down in an instant. I don’t know if I could handle that.
Bianca: I’m sorry.
Want to watch Shameless?
I chuckle and toss my computer onto my bed.
Me: Season 2 Episode 5?
Bianca: You got it.
HEADLIGHTS SHINING OUTSIDE MY window at nearly midnight catch my attention. I peek out the blinds to see Kayleigh pulling up in Dawson’s car. I thought she was ‘studying’ with Jade? I step onto the porch just as she’s climbing out of the passenger seat, with way too much energy for just getting off a cram session.
“Hi baby!” She gleams, kissing my cheek.
“Hey. Everything okay?”
She nods. “I was going to walk home but Dawson saw me and gave me a ride.”
“Well good. You shouldn’t be walking home this late at night anyway.” I notice Dawson has since gotten out of his car and is leaning against it. “Why don’t you go inside and I’ll meet you in there?”
Judging by the way her eyes are glazed over, she’s too drugged up to think anything of it. She does as I ask and I walk over to Dawson, seeing him frown as soon as I’m close enough. He’s the only other person who knows about her drug addiction, apart from Jade and Jordan. I had told him when Kayleigh’s step-dad asked me to make sure someone has an eye on her at all times – for in case she overdoses. We’ve done the best we can but there are only so many places we can follow her.
“Where was she?”
He keeps his eyes on the ground. “Next to the creek. She had cocaine residue on her nose. Gave me some excuse about Jade doing her make up.”
I look up at the sky to keep the tears at bay. “She’s getting sloppy about it.”
“It’s getting worse.”
“Yeah. I know.”
We stand there in a painful silence as we realize what’s becoming of the girl who is so important to the both of us. I can’t help but wonder if this is my fault. Everything was great until that party where she found me with someone else. After that, it all went to shit.
“How’s everything going with finding a rehab?”
“Good. We settled on Meadows Edge Recovery Center in North Kingston.” I tell him. “It’s only 20 minutes from her house and has great reviews. John sent the payment yesterday, I believe.”
He nods. “Okay, good. Does she have any idea?”
“None. She doesn’t even know she’s not flying home. I’m going to drive her there myself. I figure I’d get the most out of the time I have left until she wants nothing to do with me.”
“Don’t say that. She loves you.”
“She loves me right now.” I correct. “There’s a good chance that will change when I have her locked up against her will.”
He looks as if he wants to argue, but he knows there is nothing he can say that will help ease my fear. The truth of the matter is that she almost left me for telling Dawson about her eating disorder. The chances of her never wanting to speak to me again after this are massive.
FINAL EXAMS ARE A mess, and to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll pass. I may lose my perfect GPA from my lack of being able to study but I can’t find it in me to care. The only thing I can think of is the fact that I have a little over 24 hours left with my girlfriend.
My room is already packed up and the things I’m leaving here have already been moved into Jesse’s room. I should be excited. As of tomorrow, I’m officially the President of Kappa Delta Phi. Instead, I’m moping around when I don’t have to put on an act for Kayleigh’s benefit.
“You alright, bro?” Jesse questions as he finishes up loading his stuff into the back of his truck.
“No, but I will be.” I hope.
He fakes a pout and pinches my cheek. “Don’t worry, H. You two will be fine. What’s a little distance over the summer, right?”
If only he knew.
I’M LEANING AGAINST THE wall outside of Kayleigh’s last class. While I’m in the middle of sending a text message to John, the door opens and my girlfriend walks out. She seems like she’s on a mission and she doesn’t even notice me standing there.
“All done?”
She jumps, caught off guard by my presence. “What are you doing here?”
“Just thought I’d surprise you.” I lean down
and give her a soft kiss.
“I’m glad you did.” She lies. It’s clear being with me right now wasn’t her plan.
We walk out to my car, hand in hand, and I hold the passenger door open for her. She eyes me suspiciously but doesn’t ask questions as she climbs inside. I drive us to the diner near campus, though with my nerves as high as they are, I’m not even hungry. Discreetly, I watch the way Kayleigh messes with her fries, only eating maybe a handful of them and destroying the rest.
“I have a surprise for you.”
She furrows her eyebrows. “Oh?”
I nod, hoping she isn’t going to think I’m being overbearing. “I’m coming home with you before I go back to Jersey.”
“Seriously?!” Her whole demeanor changes and she looks genuinely excited about the idea.
“Seriously. I cancelled your flight. You drive back with me tomorrow.”
Shit. I hope she doesn’t ask how I managed to cancel a ticket that wasn’t in my name. Thankfully, she doesn’t catch on. She leans over the table and kisses me happily.
“When are you going home?”
“Haven’t decided yet.” I answer with a shrug. It depends on how much you hate me after you find out where you’re going.
To be honest, if she wanted me to stay the whole summer, I would. She’ll be in inpatient treatment for eight weeks and then she’ll have to complete a few weeks of outpatient therapy. It seems like such a long time to be away from her but she needs the help.
KAYLEIGH CRIES AS SHE hugs Dawson goodbye. She had both him and Brianna meet us at the frat house just before we head out. It’s awkward seeing my ex again. All the history between us and the fact that I broke up with her for her roommate makes for a tense situation. However, we make the best of it and she smiles, silently telling me she doesn’t want to rip my head off as much as I may have assumed.
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