Swell Foop

by Piers Anthony

  The smoke shaped into human female form, fully clothed. "In my youth I got stepped on by a Sphinx. It squished me into three aspects: Metria, with the problem of lexicon-"

  "Of what?" Xeth asked.

  "Vocabulary," Breanna said quickly.

  "Whatever," the demoness agreed crossly. "And Mentia, who's a little crazy." She changed form, becoming cross-eyed with her pupils spinning around inside. "And cute little Woe Betide." She became a sweet, nice, adorable, innocent child. "Professional Grossmouth always puts me through the wringer when he catches me in class."

  "I heard that!" the Professor's voice bellowed from the room beyond.

  "Oh, go toast your ancient old eyeballs on this!" Metria said, reforming in a short-to-the-nth-degree skirt. She faced away from the classroom, bent forward, and flipped up the skirt to expose huge polkadot bloomers.

  "I saw that!" the voice trumpeted.

  Breanna realized that Metria and the Professor had an ongoing relationship that just possibly barely might include half a modicum of mutual respect. She liked to show him her wares and he liked to condemn her. Apparently no harm had been done to either, this time around.

  "Let's go find that Ring," Breanna said. She started off down the hall.

  "Isn't Xeth coming?" Metria inquired as she floated along beside.

  Breanna realized that King Xeth wasn't with them. She turned and looked back. He was standing where he had been.

  Then she added it up. "Your bloomers! They freaked him out!"

  "Sorry about that," the demoness said, not too contritely.

  Breanna went back and waved a hand before Xeth's face. "Xeth! Come out of it."

  He blinked and looked at her. "Did something happen?"

  "Metria freaked you out with her bloomers."

  "Oh? I don't remember."

  "If I had realized that zombies can be freaked out that way, I would have had a much easier time escaping you and your minions, way back when."

  "Most zombies wouldn't freak. Their eyes are not good enough to see anything clearly."

  "And most fully living men lose their freak the moment the sight ends," Breanna said. "So I guess you're in between."

  "I suppose," he agreed. "I wonder if that explains those jumps in time when I'm at home with Zyzzyva."

  "She's freaking you out when she wants to be left alone!" Breanna exclaimed. "The canny wench!"

  "But I would rather not be freaked out. It is confusing."

  "Well, you're married. I understand married men don't freak out much, at least not from seeing their wives' panties. They're too familiar."

  "That's true," Metria said. "I can't freak out my husband anymore unless I assume the form of an unfamiliar woman. It's frustrating."

  "Unfamiliar?" Xeth asked.

  "Once I pretended to be a Mundane Chinese princess with the talent of making animals sing. That put him away for hours. Another time I emulated a woman who could form living things into useful shapes, such as making a tree into a chair."

  "Ogres do that," Breanna said.

  "Without twisting it into a pretzel, I mean. In the guise of doing that, I bent forward a bit too far, and he freaked right out." Metria frowned. "And he has the gall to claim he doesn't peek at other women!"

  "Say, maybe if you just remember that, it won't happen," Breanna told Xeth. "Don't let Zyzzyva fool you into seeming unfamiliar."

  "I will."

  "And if you fake being freaked out, you can fool her," Metria said. "Then you'll see whatever she's doing when she thinks you aren't watching."

  "I will."

  "Aren't we sort of betraying the female conspiracy?" Breanna asked her.

  "Yes. Isn't it fun?"

  "Yeah!" They giggled together.

  Breanna focused on the faint glow in her mind. "This way," she said, opening a door. She peered in.

  Then Xeth was waving a hand before her face. "Breanna! Come out of it!"

  "Come out of what?" she asked. "I was just going into this room."

  "You freaked out."

  She laughed. "Silly! Women don't freak!"

  "Then what is the demoness doing?"

  Now Breanna saw that Metria was hovering quite still, like a weightless statue, staring into the room. She was, indeed, freaked out.

  "What's in there?" Breanna asked.

  "Male demons in underpants."

  "Wow! You mean male pants freak out females?"

  "Evidently these ones do."

  "Demon pants!" she said, catching on. "They must have special potency. I never heard of a woman being freaked out by a living man's underwear."

  Xeth put his hand in front of Metria's face, interrupting the view. She resumed motion. "Well, let's get on with it," she said, peering ahead-and freaked out again.

  "We'd better try another route," Breanna decided.

  Xeth covered Metria's gaze again, and this time continued to block her view until they got the door closed. "But we have to get moving," she protested.

  "Not that way," Breanna said. "You freaked out."

  "Oh-you mean they have those male hot pants on display again?"

  "For sure."

  "They're not supposed to do it back."

  "Turnabout's not fair play?" Breanna asked.

  "Of course not. Whatever gave you that idea?"

  Breanna decided not to argue the case. "Well, I just want to find the Ring of Fire. I need to find an alternate route." She opened the next door.

  There was an immediate chorus of screams, and a tangle of assorted limbs. "That's a demoness dorm," Metria explained.

  "Why should they care?"

  "They scream every time the door opens, just in case it's necessary."

  "But demons can assume any form they want to, can't they?"

  "Of course. They're just having fun, same as the boys. Soon one dorm or the other will stage a freakout raid."

  "Well, I'm getting tired of demon fun. I just want to find that Ring."

  "Then maybe you need an M-path."

  "A what?"

  "It's a path that feels what you need, and takes you there."

  "But I already know where I'm going."

  "But you don't know how to get there without getting into trouble."

  Breanna nodded. "Right. So how do I get an M-path?"

  "I just happen to have one here." The demoness reached into her own bosom, rummaged around elbow deep, and came up with a small length of tape. She presented this to Breanna.

  "This is it? I can't walk on this."

  "Just hold it in front of you and follow the glowing M."

  "Oh." Breanna tried it, turning around while holding the tape. Sure enough, the M brightened in one direction. She went that way. Soon they came to a hall intersection, and the M brightened to the right. She followed it, and soon it brightened to the right again. When the path intersected a hall they had already been through, Breanna halted. "This thing's going in circles!"

  "No it isn't," Metria said. "It's always right."

  "But what if I need to go left?"

  "It makes three right turns."

  "Oh," Breanna said again. It did turn out that the M-path led across the hall and through a new one. It had made a looping left turn.

  They continued until they came to a washroom. There the path ended.

  Breanna looked around it. "I can't find any continuation from here," she said, frustrated.

  "It must be here, then," Metria said. "Hidden."

  They looked all around the small chamber, but found no ring. There was a pitcher of water, and a basin, a washcloth, and a towel, and that was all.

  "It must have been here, and then been lost," Xeth suggested.

  "But my sense of it indicated it was here!"

  "It could have been here for centuries, leaving its trace, and been taken yesterday," Metria said. "We don't know how current your perception is."

  Breanna wasn't sure she understood that, but certainly the Ring was not to be found. "So what do we do now?"
<
br />   "We can ask Professor Grossclout," Xeth said.

  "No!" Breanna and Metria said together.

  "But who else might know?"

  "Well, there's Ersup," Metria said. "She looks in her purse to find something personal about whoever she concentrates on."

  "Would that help me find the Ring of Fire?"

  "It should, if it's personal."

  Breanna was dubious, but game. "Okay. Where's Ersup?"

  "I don't know. I haven't seen her in months."

  Breanna did her best not to explode. "You're a big help!"

  "Thank you."

  Breanna pondered. "Xeth, you say this Ring controls Com Pewter too?"

  "Yes, he is demonic."

  "He knows a lot, and I get along with him okay. I'll ask him."

  "Those infernal machines are not to be trusted," Metria said.

  "Neither are demons," Breanna retorted.

  "How can you say that? I am a ghost."

  "You're a what?"

  "Apparition, specter, spook, phantasm, ghastly-"

  "Aghast!" Breanna exclaimed, making the devious connection.

  "Whatever," the demoness agreed crossly. "We demons can be trusted to be perfectly demonly."

  "Which is to say, devious."

  "True. So why trust a demon machine?"

  "Because I set him up with his girlfriend, Com Passion. She'd be annoyed if he played me false."

  Metria nodded. "Helm has no fury like that of a female annoyed."

  That seemed close enough, considering. "So can you take us to Pewter-and if so, will you?"

  "Of course I can, and will." She fuzzed into smoke. The smoke enclosed them, then dissipated.

  There was Com Pewter's screen before them. TO WHAT DO I OWE THE DUBIOUS PLEASURE OF THIS VISIT BY GIRL, ZOMBIE, AND DEMONESS? the screen printed.

  "We have a problem," Breanna said. "I need to find the Ring of Fire to save Xanth from a loss of gravity."

  BUT XANTH HAS NO GRAVITY, ONLY HUMOR.

  "Gravity as in staying on the ground. The Demon Earth's lost, and his gravity is fading. The Ring of Fire is supposed to be in a demon washroom, but I can't find it. Can you help me?"

  NO

  Breanna was used to this. "Can you direct me to any person, creature, thing, or idea that can, and if so-?"

  Another machine appeared beside Pewter. ?? Why, hello, dear mortal girl ?? the new screen scripted.

  "Hello, Com Passion!" Breanna replied.

  You must meet our offspring

  A third machine appeared, smaller than the other two.

  "You have a baby!" Breanna exclaimed, delighted. "What's his name?"

  Its screen lighted. ? com ponent ?

  "Hello, Ponent," Breanna said. "Welcome to the club." The small screen brightened and turned pink. The little machine was a bit shy as yet.

  Breanna turned back to Passion. "I need to find the Ring of Fire, and it's not where it is supposed to be. Can you help me?"

  No Passion scripted with evident regret.

  Her spirits sinking, Breanna tried once more. "Ponent, maybe you can help me. Where do you think I should look for the Ring of Fire?"

  ? will you take a cookie? ?

  "A cookie?" Breanna asked, surprised.

  ??He insists on giving out cookies ? Passion scripted fondly.

  "Young folk do like cookies," Xeth reminded Breanna.

  "For sure! But I thought they liked getting them, not giving them."

  MACHINES DON'T EAT THINGS Pewter printed.

  ??Once you accept his cooking, he will always know you. ?

  "Oh. Okay, Ponent, give me your cookie."

  An oblong image of a cookie appeared on the little screen. Breanna reached down, and it jumped onto her hand. It was decorated like a printed circuit board, with a pastry foundation, colored sugar wires, and raisin resistors. She took a byte, and it was delicious. "Thank you. Now what is your input on the Ring of Fire?"

  The little screen flickered as the machine pondered. Then it steadied. ? i dont have big data banks yet so i have to figure things out a little at a time. i think if you cant find it where its supposed to be and it isnt where it isnt supposed to be it must be hidden where its supposed to be so you cant find it so you should look again maybe harder. ?

  Breanna considered. "Does that makes sense?" she asked the others.

  DOUBTFUL

  POSSIBLY

  "Ludicrous!" Metria snapped.

  "Yes," Xeth said.

  "Well, it makes sense to me," Breanna decided. "I'm going to go look again."

  "I'll take you back," Metria said. "I love to see mortals make fools of themselves in vain quests."

  "Thank you, Ponent," Breanna said. "I'll go look harder."

  Then the demoness smoked up a cloud and transported them back to the demon's bathroom.

  It was unchanged. The towel and cloth still hung by the wall, and the pitcher and basin remained on the counter. No Ring.

  "Why do demons have a washroom?" Xeth asked.

  Metria laughed. "It's a joke! Demons don't need to wash. We just fuzz into smoke and leave the dirt behind."

  "So this is for mortal visitors?" Breanna asked.

  "We hardly ever have visitors. So it's just a wasted chamber."

  "Yet my sense tells me the Ring of Fire is here. Why should it be in a useless room?" Then she paused, a dim bulb blinking over her head. "So it won't be disturbed! No one ever comes here. It must be here!"

  "Except that it obviously isn't," Metria said dourly.

  "Said how?" Xeth asked.

  "Dreary, dismal, forbidding, morose, dolorous-"

  "It was the correct word the first time!" Breanna snapped.

  They both looked abashed. "Sorry about that," the demoness said.

  Breanna focused on the room. "We have to look harder. It must be here, only we can't see it."

  "Sometimes the obvious is confusing as hades," Metria said. "That's the way it is in Grossclout's class. I remember when he demanded that we figure out why new human adults don't have magic talents, and washed me out when I missed it. I didn't realize it was a trick question."

  Breanna was distracted for a moment, despite her better judgment. "But Mundanes don't have talents in Xanth. I'm the only exception I know of, and I made a special deal. It's because you have to be delivered into magic, not into science."

  "You'd have flunked out too."

  "But everyone knows-"

  "The Demon Professor says everyone has mush for brains."

  "But none of the Black Wave had talents when we came to Xanth. I didn't. Only the children who were delivered here later. So I know from personal experience that-"

  "The interpretation of personal experience is mush, he says. This time he proved it."

  "Proved it? How?"

  "By bringing in a Mundane mortal man with a magic talent as Exhibit A. His talent was metallergy."

  "You mean metallurgy?" Breanna asked, trying to cut short the multiple alternatives sequence. "Working with metals?"

  "No. Met-allergy. His metalwork made folk sneeze."

  "And he had immigrated from Mundania? The talent had grown after he lived here? I find that hard to believe."

  "Me too," Xeth said.

  "It turns out that magic infuses new Mundane folk too slowly to show until time has passed. So they think they have no talents, and stop looking for them. Children respond much more rapidly, so their talents show sooner. The professor says that anyone who has lived in Xanth for more than five years has a talent, if he only knew it."

  "I'll be bleeped!" Breanna exclaimed. "I never thought of that!"

  "Typical mush-filled skull."

  "I guess so. But how come the word hasn't gotten out?"

  "It's just one of those obscure facts Grossclout uses to flunk unwary students. Nobody's interested."

  "Maybe no demons are. But I'll bet most mortals would be. I'll have to tell them to look, after this mission is done." Then Breanna brought herself back to business
. "So maybe this is another mush case. I just have to see that Ring. By clearing the mush out of my thick skull."

  "You got it, mushmind." The demoness formed momentarily into a big steaming bowl of cornmeal mush.

  "Okay, I'm trying to look with a new perspective. To see whatever I missed before." Breanna crossed and uncrossed her eyes, looking around.

  "But we can see everything," Xeth protested. "The pitcher, the basin, the dirt-ring where the basin sat-everything."

  Breanna's jaw dropped half a notch. "The dirt-ring! That's a Ring."

  "But not the one we want," Metria said.

  "I wonder." Breanna approached the counter. She put her finger to the ring of dirt-and felt something hot. She closed her hand on it, and lifted-and the entire Ring came up. It was hot because little flames were dancing around it, though they did not actually burn her hand. As it moved it shrank until it was the size of a finger ring. "Got it!"

  "It was masquerading as dirt!" Metria said, amazed.

  "It was there all the time," Xeth agreed. "My mind was mush."

  "Mine too," Metria agreed.

  "And it was Com Ponent who put us on to it," Breanna agreed. "All it took was a little elementary reasoning." She put the Ring on her little finger, where it fit perfectly. The flames continued to flicker without burning her flesh. There was no doubt about the identity of the Ring of Fire.

  "It fooled me," Metria said. "I thought it would look-"

  "The way it does now," Xeth agreed. "So did I."

  "For sure," Breanna agreed, well satisfied. "We were all mushbrains. But you really helped, with your story of that class lesson. That got just enough mush out." She looked around, invigorated. "Now I want to go home to Castle Zombie and get married."

  CHAPTER 4

  RING OF EARTH

  Che Centaur looked at the gathering of zombies. Which one should he choose as a guide? Breanna was already departing with King Xeth.

  "I'll take you," Zyzzyva Zombie said. "Mine is the Ring of Earth."

  "I thought I might look for the Ring of Air, since I can fly."

  "No, that's for Sim. Anyway, they don't have to match up that way."

  That made sense. "Very well. Where is it?"

  "The Good Magician has it."

  "Humfrey? But then he could have given it to Cynthia when he gave her the Service."

  "No. He does not know where he has it, and he did not realize it would be necessary." She spoke with no detectable impediment, and there was no rot visible on her; she was an extremely fresh zombie. She was also a warrior woman, carrying a short sword, and she looked very fit generally.