Swell Foop

by Piers Anthony

  "Very well. I will take you there."

  She got on his back, and she was lithe and light, no problem to carry. Of course it was no problem to carry anyone who could stay mounted, since he flicked them light anyway. He did so, first flicking her, then flicking himself, so that they were light enough to fly. Then he spread his wings and took off.

  "Oh, it's nice up here!" she exclaimed, exactly like a tourist. "I seldom have the chance to fly. That is why I wanted to go with you or Cynthia: to have that chance."

  "This is a serious mission," Che reminded her. "Not an entertainment jaunt."

  "I know it. Nevertheless, I can appreciate the wonder of flight better than most zombies, being better preserved, and probably am less onerous for you to carry."

  She had a point. Che prided himself on being open-minded, but contact with far-gone zombies did not especially appeal. Now he appreciated the Land of Xanth anew as it spread out below them, seeing it through her eyes, as it were.

  Indeed, it was beautiful, with green and yellow forests interspersed by blue and silver lakes and brown and red fields-and here and there an old gray mountain poked its head up, surrounded by its child mountains who did not yet reach its height. They would surely get there in time; mountains were slow to achieve maturity. Overhead the sun floated serenely on, radiating rays of contentment. It was a nice day.

  "What is that?" Zyzzyva inquired.

  Che looked. There was a small cloud to the side, moving swiftly to intercept their flight path. "A mischievous juvenile cloud, I think."

  "That's interesting. I have a much clearer view of it from up here." Zyzzyva twisted around to get a better view. Her body was fit and firm; she was a warrior lass, and he could feel it as she moved. He wondered whether she had been killed in battle; if so, she must have given a good account of herself. "Are those pigtails?"

  Che looked again. Sure enough, there were two vapor streamlets trailing behind, with misty bows at their ends. "It's a girl cloud."

  The cloud got before them and began to huff and puff into a gray glob. There was an internal rumble, and lightning flashed. "She's trying to block us off," Zyzzyva said indignantly.

  "Now I think I recognize her attitude," Che said. "A chip off the old cloud block."

  "What block?"

  "Fracto. He caught and married Happy Bottom, a storm from Mundania. They stay mostly in the Region of Air, but this one must have sneaked out of the nursery."

  "Oh, yes-that encounter happened while I was still alive. The Land of Xanth almost got blown away."

  "Fortunately Fracto decided to help."

  A face formed on the cloud. It looked at them. Then the mouth opened, sucking in air.

  "She is about to blow us away!" Zyzzyva said, alarmed.

  "Fray!" Che called loudly. "Does your mother know where you are?"

  The cloud choked on her breath, and her pigtails flounced. She scudded hastily away, leaving tiny balls of vapor behind.

  "They're so cute when they're little," Zyzzyva said. "I hope I can get the stork's attention soon."

  "Surely you will," Che said encouragingly.

  They reached the Good Magician's Castle. Che was heading in for a landing on the roof, but unexpectedly lost elevation. He must have recovered too much weight, and was falling. He flicked his tail repeatedly to lighten his body, but it had no effect. Something was wrong.

  "Hang on!" he cried. "Crash landing!"

  Fortunately there was a large pillow bush growing beside the moat. He was able to steer for it, and landed with a dull whomp! Zyzzyva slid off his back, but seemed to be all right. Zombies were hard to hurt, even the well-preserved ones; it was part of their magic.

  "I don't know what went wrong," he gasped. "Suddenly I lost my power of flight."

  "No harm done," she said. "We can cross the bridge."

  But as they approached the drawbridge, a group of five men appeared. They were bright colors, and were armed with assorted weapons. They arrayed themselves before the bridge in militaristic manner.

  "That's a defensive platoon," Zyzzyva said. "We'll have to fight them."

  "But I didn't come here to fight!" Che protested. "I just want to find the Ring of Earth."

  "Maybe we can reason with them, then." She walked ahead, approaching the group. "We are here on important business. Please let us through to see the Good Magician."

  "No," the orange man said, looking quickly around. He had large bright eyes.

  "Who are you?" she asked, evidently nettled.

  "I am Vita Man A. These are my companions, B, C, D, and E. Now go away, zombie."

  Zyzzyva glanced back at Che. "I did ask them nicely," she said.

  "Let me try." Che stepped forward. "It is urgent that we speak with Magician Humfrey. Please let us pass, or notify him that we are here."

  "If you persist, we shall drive you off, crossbreed."

  Che was getting a bit nettled himself. "But this can't wait. We have to find the-"

  The orange man drew his sword and swung at Che. But Zyzzyva moved faster. Her own sword whistled as it moved. The orange man's head flew off his body.

  Astonished, they both stared. "I thought he would dodge or block," Zyzzyva said.

  "That annoys me," the Vita man said. He sheathed his sword, bent down to pick up his head, and set it back on his neck. Then he drew the sword again.

  "He's a zombie!" Zyzzyva exclaimed. "He can't be killed."

  "But he's not rotting."

  "True. Xeth and I are the only zombies with no visible rot. So he must be a golem. An animated thing, not a real man. Curious to find organisms like that here."

  "Do you know what?" Che asked. "I believe this is a Challenge! That's why I lost the power of flight."

  "But we're not coming here as querents. We have legitimate business."

  "There must be a mistake. But if we want to get in, it seems we must fathom the Challenges."

  "I am not good at fathoming, since I died."

  "Fortunately I haven't died. We simply have to figure out what is required."

  "What is required is clearing these obnoxious men out of our way."

  "There is surely a way without chopping them up, since that doesn't seem to hurt them."

  "Very well. You fathom it, and if that doesn't work, I will chop them to small enough pieces so that we can cross before they get themselves back together."

  "I don't think that's the proper way."

  "What, are you a pacifist?"

  Che hadn't thought about that. "I suppose I do try to find the most expedient solution to any problem. The Good Magician's Challenges generally do have some nonviolent way through, and I think it behooves us to find it."

  "Well, it's your quest," she said doubtfully.

  "If I can't find it, then we'll try your way."

  "Fair enough."

  Che considered. The five Vita men were five different colors. Did that mean anything?

  "They look good enough to eat," Zyzzyva said. "Too bad I no longer have to eat."

  "Eat!" Che said. "Vitamins!"

  "Are you spelling that right?"

  "Of course. That's the key. He said he was Vita Man A. We assumed he meant he was the first of five men denominated by letters of the alphabet. But it's a pun. These creatures really are supposed to be eaten."

  "But zombies don't eat."

  "This Challenge isn't for you, but for me. I have to eat them."

  She remained dubious. "It will take you a long time."

  "Probably one bite of each will do. Chop off a finger or toe, and I'll eat that."

  "Coming up." She faced the orange man. "Prepare to be chopped, Vita men."

  But Che was already reconsidering. "Maybe if I just identify them, it will do."

  "Still trying for the peaceful way," she said, disgusted.

  Che rifled through his excellent memory for obscure facts. He had been tutoring Sim for years, and so was very sharp on facts. The men were different colors, but also seemed to have differ
ent qualities. "Vita Man A, you are the one who sees well," he said.

  The orange man nodded and stepped back.

  Che addressed the gray man, who seemed to have very quick reactions. "Vita Man B, your nerves are excellent."

  The gray man stepped back.

  The green man seemed to have snow on his head and shoulders, as though freezing, but did not look at all uncomfortable. "Vita Man C, you can beat the common cold."

  The next man was stoutly built and shining white, like a beam of sunshine. "Vita Man D, you have strong bones."

  The last one was blood red. "Vita Man E, you have a strong heart."

  Now they were all retreating across the bridge. Che nodded. "We cracked the riddle. They knew it. There was no point in continuing the Challenge."

  "I think they are cowards."

  She did have a militaristic mindset. "Maybe we'll have to fight in the next Challenge," he said.

  They crossed the drawbridge, stepped onto the inner shore of the moat-and found themselves in darkness.

  "Did night fall, or is my sight failing?" Zyzzyva inquired.

  "It seems to be magical darkness. This must be the second Challenge."

  "Well, it can't hurt me; I have no concern about darkness. Zombies thrive in it. But it may be a problem for you."

  "Yes. I prefer light when I have something to accomplish." But he stepped forward, having no alternative.

  "I can go first, if you want."

  "I suspect that whatever is here will find me regardless." He banged into something solid, and stopped.

  "Did it find you?"

  "I found it. It seems to be a wall. The way must turn."

  He turned to the left, but soon encountered another wall. He turned to the right, and found another wall. There seemed to be no open way forward. But behind was the moat; that was unlikely to be the route. Yet there had to be a way.

  He felt the walls, but found no break. They extended high and low and to either side, blocking every avenue.

  "Maybe you have to say a spell," Zyzzyva suggested.

  "Open sez me," he said. But the walls remained solid.

  He retreated, backing to the moat. Suddenly the castle returned to view, in full daylight. There was no sign of any tunnel, with or without walls. Could the darkness be illusion?

  Still, the illusion of darkness was like the illusion of light: If it seemed to exist, it did exist. An illusory lamp worked as well as a real one. He could try to ignore the darkness, but that wouldn't banish the effect.

  Zyzzyva appeared beside him. "Ah, there you are. That's one weird tunnel. I can't see into it from here, or out of it from there."

  "It seems to be a structure of illusion. Made to conceal the wall. There must be some way around that wall, if I could only see it."

  She laughed. "Too bad the wall's not illusion too."

  Then they looked at each other with dawning surmise. Surmises were always best when dawning; they weren't much for evening. "Could it be?" he asked. "An illusion of touch?"

  "Does that kind of illusion exist?"

  "I don't see why not. It could be covered by darkness because otherwise we'd see that the wall isn't there, and be suspicious."

  "Unless it's an invisible real wall."

  "No need to cover that with darkness."

  "One way to find out."

  They forged back into the invisible darkness. Che put his hands forward to find the wall. When he did, he pushed against it-and his hands moved on through its seeming substance as if penetrating jelly. He forged on, feeling the pressure of the wall against his flanks and wings and finally his tail. Then he was beyond it, and in a moment emerged into light.

  Zyzzyva reappeared just behind him. "That was interesting. I think you mortals have more fun than we zombies do."

  "Also more frustration."

  "I suppose so. We tend to take things more as they come, and relax under a nice blanket of dirt when nothing comes."

  "We seem to be through the second Challenge. There should be one more."

  She looked around. "We seem to be in an old workshop."

  It was true. It was a roofless chamber filled with odds, evens, ends, middles, and whatnots. There were no doors, and the walls were too high to jump over.

  "The Challenge must be to find our way out of here and into the castle."

  "You still can't fly?"

  Che spread his wings and flicked his side. He did not lighten. "Correct."

  "It is interesting the way these Challenges are tailored to the querents," she remarked. "An ogre could bash his way out."

  "I suspect an ogre would find his strength missing. He would have to use his mind."

  "His what?"

  Che had to smile. "True-ogres are justifiably proud of their stupidity. But he might make a face and scare a wall into collapsing."

  "Yes, I understand that an ogress can curdle milk with half a glare."

  "And crack a mirror just by thinking of looking into it. But this isn't solving this Challenge. I suppose you could reach the top of the wall by standing on my back and jumping, but I would be too heavy for you to pull up after you."

  "Surely so. Still, it would not hurt for me to look. There might be a ladder on the other side that I could pass back to you."

  Che looked down at his four hooves. "I don't think I could use a ladder."

  "Maybe a long board for a ramp."

  He nodded. "You seem to be thinking better than I am."

  "Unlikely. Everybody knows zombies have rotten brains."

  "What everyone knows is not necessarily true."

  She glanced obliquely at him. "I gather you're not much for conventional prejudice."

  "Not much," he agreed. But he had to admit to himself that he had made a reasonable effort of prejudice, before getting better acquainted with this zombie.

  He went to stand beside a wall, and she got on his back, then carefully stood. "I can't quite reach the top."

  "Maybe if I stand on a crate." But the crates were in poor repair, and he couldn't find any he could safely use.

  "Maybe if you just lift me with your hands," she suggested.

  "I can try."

  "I'll delete some weight." She removed her small helmet, letting her hair hang loose, and her short sword.

  He stood beside the wall again, and she stood before him. He put his hands on her waist just above her metallic skirt, and lifted. She came up, surprisingly light; she was a slender woman. In a moment her nice knees were before his face.

  "Not quite high enough," she said. "My fingers can't quite catch the top."

  "I can't lift you higher," he said. "In fact, I can't hold you here long. My arms aren't strong."

  "Let me get on your shoulders." She lifted her right leg and put her metallic slipper on his left shoulder. Then she stepped up with the other foot. Now she was squatting over his head. "Don't let go; I'm unsteady. Just slide your hands down my legs and take another grip so I can stand."

  He did so. Her legs were marvelously sleek and firm. He found her knees, and gripped just below them.

  Then she straightened her legs. Her balance shifted. He glanced up, trying to judge which way she was leaning, so he could correct it-and caught a glimpse of her inner thighs and metallic panty. I'm not human, he thought determinedly. I can't freak out. That steadied him, and he in turn steadied her. He had thought that human men were foolish to freak out at the sight of female human underwear, but that peek under her skirt had given him a jolt. There was definitely magic there.

  "Got it!" she said, and suddenly her knees slid out of his grasp as she hauled herself up. In two moments she was sitting on the top of the wall, dangling her feet. A light breeze ruffled her loose hair. She was looking increasingly feminine.

  "Good enough," he said, gratified that they had succeeded to this extent. A silvery image remained in his mind, and he realized that it was the memory of that panty. The magic was still trying to get him, attacking his human aspect. "Anything you can fet
ch for me?"

  Zyzzyva looked around. "Nice gardens all around, girt by similar walls. This seems to be one of those greenhouse puzzles, with hedges and paths and barriers every which way. We just happened to land in a closed section."

  "By no coincidence, I think."

  "I don't see anything I could fetch that could help you. Shall I come down?"

  "No need. I'll just have to find my own way clear."

  He reconsidered the yard. There were the battered crates, assorted wood boards, several partial rolls of canvas fabric, a short length of chain left over from something, a half full box of nails with a rusty hammer, and several huge feathers weighted down by stones. He smiled. Did someone think the feathers would fly away by themselves?

  Then he re-reconsidered. Could those be roc flight feathers? If so, they could indeed fly; they were what enabled the big birds to do it.

  He trotted to one of them, took hold of its quill, and rolled the stone off. Immediately the feather sailed up, eager to fly. It was indeed a flight feather. It was all he could do to hold it down. It took a lot of lift to launch a roc, so the magic was strong.

  Now the rest of it fell into place. He could use the other junk to build a craft to anchor the feathers, a flying machine that would carry him out of here. That was the solution to this riddle.

  He got to work. As it happened, the boards and bits and nails were the right size to make a crude boatlike vessel. Happened? That had been the point all along, just waiting for him to catch on. He felt stupid for not doing so before, and he did not like feeling stupid.

  Soon he had a craft with a canvas rudder operated by the chain, a central basin large enough for a lying centaur, and oarlocks for six big feathers. He fitted the feathers one by one, weighting each down with its stone, until all six were securely in place.

  Now at last he was ready to fly. But he paused. Once he removed the stones, those feathers would fly, carrying him up. But how would he land again? He would not be able to weight them down again once he was airborne.

  "You have a problem?" Zyzzyva asked from above.

  "Yes. I'm not sure how to land this flying machine, once I'm aloft."