by Lexi Banks
“Well, he is right about that. Your mom would want you to keep healthy. Do you want to sit with me?”
When she nodded, I raised up to ask her dad if that was okay. He nodded, but even when he looked at me it was obvious that he wasn’t really there. I wished that I could reach through his shock barrier, but I couldn’t.
“Okay, well that’s good. I’m Madison, by the way, but my friends call me Maddie.”
I held out my hand to her, and she shook it with almost the glimmer of a smile playing on her lips. This was what made working with patients and their families just as rewarding as the research stuff. Making someone forget about the horror surrounding them for just a couple of second was everything, as well I knew. It certainly was to me.
“I’m Olive,” she told me very quietly. “Olive Jayne... my mom is called Jayne too, so we match.”
“That is such a beautiful name. It’s lovely that you both match, don’t you think?”
We got our food and sat at the nearest table. Olive’s father’s cell phone rang, and he turned away from us to take his call. I wondered if he even knew how to connect with his child, if his wife had always done everything, or maybe it as just the tragedy pushing them apart. It was sad to see, but not uncommon. Cancer was a destroyer.
“So, how old are you, Olive?” I asked, trying to keep her focus on me. “Let me guess, hmmm, seventeen?”
“No.” This time, she actually giggled, and it was the sweetest little sound ever. “I’m not even eight yet.”
“Ah, so you are seven?” She nodded. “And do you go to school? Do you have any classes that you like?”
“I like art.” I could hear the enthusiasm rolling off her tongue in waves. “I like painting, but I’ve missed a lot of classes recently because Dad hasn’t been able to take me to school as much.” Her expression fell into one of sadness again, making me recognize my error immediately. “I’m worried that my friends will all forget about me.”
It was time; I had to share at least some of my story with her. “You know, I missed a lot of school too when I was younger.” I kept talking quickly, hoping that by keeping the story going she wouldn’t ask me why. “And I was scared that my friends would forget about me too, and while it was a little odd going back after such a long time, things soon got back to normal. Your friends will be happy to have you back; I’m sure they’ve missed you.”
Olive considered my words for a few moments before nodding. “I hope you’re right. I’ve missed them too.”
He dad leaned down and said something very quietly to her and then stood up. Olive gave me an apologetic look but followed behind her father, clutching the remainder of her sandwich in her hand. I hoped and prayed that phone call hadn’t contained bad news. That was the last thing either of them needed. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair.
I didn’t feel too hungry after that; I simply felt bad. Yes, we were working on things and making constant progress, but it wasn’t enough. There were still families going through the heartache of losing someone. I hated that.
I sighed and heaved myself into a standing position, abandoning the remainder of my lunch. I moved through the café to the toilets at the back of the room with a sinking heavy heart. All the positivity that had been brimming through me not that long before had completely ebbed away, and now I had that deflated balloon sensation.
Once inside the bathroom, I realized that all my clothes now felt uncomfortable too, it was as if all the skin covering my body had begun to itch uncomfortably. I locked myself away in a cubicle and tried to straighten everything out so I could at least feel normal again. After this, I had to go and see Billy and go through all the report, and I couldn’t let all of this dampen my enthusiasm for all that he’d done because that wasn’t fair. He’d worked his ass off, the whole team had. It was me and my insistence on getting emotionally involved with people which was the problem.
Get it together, I scolded myself as I adjusted my bra. It felt like it was sticking into me all wrong. I wondered if the wire had been tugged out somewhere along the way, but no, all of that felt in order. Stop worrying about things that you can’t control and focus on the things you can. All might be fine with Olive as far as you know. You’re just becoming obsessed because she’s lonely and she reminds you of yourself at that age...
What the...? All of a sudden, my hands fell on something different, and something very new too. I was always careful to check, after losing my mother; I would be stupid not to. I always ran my hands over my breasts to check that there wasn’t anything there and the last time I did so there definitely wasn’t... so what the hell was that now?
My heart thundered against my rib cage; violent sickness wanted desperately to splash out of my mouth; I could hardly control myself at all. This as horrible, ice cold panic enveloped me completely, I almost couldn’t breathe.
A lump... that’s a lump... the words flittered through my brain thick and heavily, but they didn’t sink it. It was almost like an out of body experience, as if it was happening to somebody else. But no, that was my hand, my breast, my bulge threatening to burst free from my skin, the taunting horrible lump belonged to me alone...
What the fuck am I going to do now? I fell to my knees, memories of my mom’s experience consuming me, linking to me in the worst possible way. I’m screwed.
Chapter 17 – Parker
Saturday
“You’re acting weird,” I told Buster as I sat in his office. “Why are you being weird?”
I didn’t want to be here, the more that I thought about it, the less I wanted to be in this meeting, but Buster wouldn’t let it go, and that unnerved me. That, combined with the fact that he was acting like a jittery fool right now nearly tipped me over the edge and made me want to go. There was definitely something off. If he didn’t tell me soon...
“Okay, I’ll admit it.” He threw his hands in the air in a defeated gesture. “You aren’t going to like this; I know you’re not. I can already tell you right now that you’re going to kick off, but I’m not thinking in personal life terms here. What’s done is done in my mind, I’m considering your business, and I’m telling you this is an investment that you have to hear out. If you can put everything else to one side, I know you will see that just as I do.”
Well, if I wasn’t uncomfortable before, I sure as hell felt that way after he said those words. My instincts screamed at me to run, and it took everything that I had inside to remain where I was. Just until I found out more.
“What are you on about?” I shot back gruffly. “What personal life stuff? I don’t have any personal life issues.”
I racked my brain desperately trying to work out what he was talking about, but I came up with nothing. I couldn’t think of a single person who I had an open dispute with. Maybe there were people I wasn’t particularly keen on, but if their business was good enough I didn’t care, and if not, I simply walked away. It wasn’t ever a problem.
Buster didn’t reply. He simply glanced downwards as if completely consumed by guilt. I shook my head, an anger beginning to burn in my chest, if he didn’t say something soon, I was about to explode...
But then the door to his office swung open and everything became painfully clear. No wonder he didn’t want to tell me anything. I could understand now why all of the sketchy behavior; what I didn’t get was why. Buster knew me well enough to understand that no matter how good the opportunity was, she would not be worth working with.
“Hello there, boys,” she said with a seductive purr, knowing what she was doing to me. “Good to see you again.”
“Charlotte.” Buster jumped to his feet and extended out his hand for her to shake. He immediately wanted to pave over the cracks that were forming by being much too polite. “It’s wonderful to have you here. Thank you for coming.”
Charlotte Lawson... urgh, the last person I ever wanted to see again. Our date had been painful, the rudeness she extended to other people still made me cringe, then there was her clumsy a
ttempt to get me into bed... I had told Buster all of it. What was he playing at? He couldn’t honestly think that I would want to work with her, did he? Or was this his crazy attempt to drag my eye away from Maddie. I knew that he didn’t exactly approve...
“Hey, Parker.” Charlotte actually winked unprofessionally at me as she said this. “How are you?”
“Hmm.” I didn’t want to be a dick, but I no longer wanted to be here either. It was problematic that Charlotte’s world still very much intertwined with mine or I could have been more forward with my feelings. “Yes. You?”
“Oh, I’m great.” She chuckled a throaty sound. “You know me, always up to something.”
While she took her seat, I shot Buster a death stare, but all he could manage back was a helpless shrug. We were going to be having words soon! I needed him to have all my best interests at heart if this was going to work.
“So, erm, Charlotte,” Buster continued, the nerves tinging the edges of his voice now. Good, he deserved that fear! “Why don’t you tell Parker all about your business and the investment opportunity you are offering him.”
“She already talked to me about it over dinner,” I got in sharply. “So, I think I know the basics.”
Charlotte leaned across the table and fluttered her eyelashes at me. If Buster thought that this as acceptable behavior, then he had another thing coming. This was damn awful! “But you didn’t make your choice, did you?”
This could have meant two things... the business, or the fact that she invited me up to her apartment. Either way, the answer was very much the same. “I think I made my feelings very clear on the night, actually.”
Rather than being put off by my obvious dismissal of her, she ran her tongue along her lips and smirked. I turned to look at Buster, but he seemed to be pointedly looking everywhere but at me. Asshole, he was going to get it.
I needed an excuse, a reason to get out of here without causing any unnecessary drama. There was one person in the world who was perfect at helping me with that. I sneakily grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket and typed the words ‘Octopus Socks’ to Maddie, hoping that she was looking at her phone screen right now.
Ring, ring... Oh, thank God! Ring, ring...
“I’m sorry, I do have to take this,” I lied with a fake apologetic tone. “It might be an emergency.”
“Parker...” Maddie’s voice raced through my phone the moment I picked up. “I need to see you. Now.”
Woah! I glanced at Buster and Charlotte wondering if they could hear her. Maddie was certainly committing to the bit. If I hadn’t just sent her our code words, I would have been really worried. She sounded genuinely distressed like she was in the middle of something horrible happening to her. My heart actually ached a bit.
“Of course, I can be there.” I played along. “Is everything okay? Do you need me to bring anything?”
“No, just yourself. Thank you, Parker. This really does mean a lot to me.”
As I rung off the phone, I stared at the screen for a while with furrowed eyebrows. That wasn’t a normal phone call following our emergency words. She really did sound distressed, and she didn’t even give a reason which was the staple part of our game. I shouldn’t have been, but I felt desperately worried for her.
“I have to go,” I told the others distractedly. “Something is wrong. Maddie, she’s... I don’t know.”
I could hear Buster calling out after me, probably Charlotte too but I didn’t stop to listen. If Maddie really did need me, then I couldn’t beat around the bush and make up a million excuses. Buster knew for a fact that he shouldn’t have done that anyway, so it was his mess to clean up. No deal would be enough to get me working with Charlotte freaking Lawson. She was a nightmare, and that was before the unwanted sexual advances.
No, there was only one person in the world who I wanted to be with, and she wasn’t here.
“ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE okay?” I asked Maddie for what felt like the hundredth time since I arrived here a few hours back. My instincts were right, something was up, but she didn’t seem ready to share it just yet. It was such a challenge not to pry, but I couldn’t push her too far, I needed to be smart about it. “You seem a little... sad.”
“I’m just tired,” she shot back robotically. “It’s been a long week, that’s all.”
That wasn’t it, I had known her for far too long to believe that, but we were on the cusp of changing so I had to be patient. I simply hoped it wasn’t something that I had done. I didn’t want to upset her at all.
She snuggled in close to me, just like she’d been doing all night long. Emotionally, her walls were up, and she wasn’t about to let them don any time soon, but physically, she kept wanting to touch me. It was lovely to have my arms around her; I loved the way that felt, I just wished that I could be let all the way in.
“Well, like I said, thank you for getting me out of that meeting; it was a nightmare.”
I’d tried to thank her for it a couple of times, but it was as if Maddie hadn’t heard it. Maybe the mention of Charlotte did it; perhaps she didn’t want to be reminded of my ill-fated date with her... although that didn’t seem plausible. We’d joked about it a few times; I couldn’t see Maddie getting jealous of her.
“I might go to bed in a moment.” She yawned, to highlight her tiredness. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“Of course not!” I stood up, ready to go home. I held absolutely no expectations of staying over, but Maddie clung to my arm tightly and held me in place. She didn’t seem ready to let me go just yet. “Do you need something?”
“Will you stay?” she asked me with color tainting her cheeks. “Just... to sleep? I don’t want to be alone.”
She didn’t even need to ask that! I would stay with her whenever she wanted me to. And not because I expected anything to happen, I actually wanted to just hold her through the night. We missed out that part last time, and if it would bring her even the tiniest bit of comfort, then I was more than happy to do it. Anything for Maddie.
“Yes, I’ll stay,” I reassured her. “That sounds lovely. Shall I make us some hot cocoa to have in bed?”
Relief flooded her face; she looked over the moon that I would be so compliant with whatever she wanted. I hoped that she didn’t expect otherwise; I never wanted to be known as someone who behaved that way!
Maddie walked quietly into her bedroom, leaving me alone in the kitchen to make the drinks. I knew anything chocolaty cheered her up even at the worst of times which was the very reason that she always had cocoa powder in her cupboards. Knowing that much made it so much easier. As the kettle boiled, I ran my eyes over some of her photographs that she had hanging on the walls. I featured in many of them, just as she did mine, our lives had been mixed for such a long time. I couldn’t even wonder what my life would have been like had she not moved into that house along the road; it was utterly incomprehensible. I wasn’t me without her, and she wasn’t her without me.
That was why I needed to be certain not to fuck this up.
Once the drinks were made, I took them into Maddie’s room, smiling instantly as I saw her snuggled up under the sheets. I loved the way that her face lit up the moment she saw me, I had to assumed that was about so much more than just the hot drinks. So far, it really seemed that she wanted this too and we were in the right direction.
Now, if I could just break down her barrier and work out what was wrong with her, all would be okay, but I supposed we had plenty of time for that. All the time in the world if I played my cards right.
I climbed under the sheets next to Maddie, noting that this would be the first time of us sharing a bed to sleep. A room, yes, but never a bed. I wondered how it was going to feel, if it was anything like the rest of us had been, it would be wonderful.
Chapter 18 – Madison
Sunday
A light snoring woke me up first. It was a sound that I knew well, but not one I’d ever heard so close. I didn’t mind it though; it was a nice noise
, a cute little sound almost like a puppy dog snoring. At least he didn’t have one of those booming snores that shook the whole house, that would have been a deal breaker for me. I needed my sleep!
I peeked my eyes open, allowing the sunlight to flood them, then once I’d adjusted to the morning brightness, I turned onto my side to look at him. I hadn’t ever spent the night right next to Parker before, and it felt odd as well as wonderful. Somehow, spending the night just sleeping in each other’s arms felt more intimate than sex.
Why didn’t I tell him? I asked myself as I stared at his calm, angelic, understanding face. He would have been kind. He would’ve been understanding; I would have been treated like a princess all night long...
The thing was, when I got his octopus socks message and I called him, I fully intended to. I was at home by that point, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I one hundred percent had a lump on my breast, and I wanted Parker to know. I needed him to make me feel better in the way that only he could. He as the only one who’d been there when this had happened to my mom, so he would really get why it killed me so much. I needed him to know.
Yet, when he turned up at the door, I found my vocal chords constricted. I couldn’t get the words out however hard I tried. Now that something was happening between us, it felt too heavy to unload upon him. If we were still just friends, I would have said something for sure, but now this was early dating days. I couldn’t get so serious.
He was still lovely though, despite not knowing, and I knew how much it must have frustrated him. He cared for me, brought me pizza, made me hot cocoa in bed. He didn’t get mad because I kept it all locked away inside. And then, he agreed to hold me all night long without any expectations... he truly was an incredible man.