Boundaries

by Jessica Aiken-Hall

“Sonya, that’s not very helpful.”

  Maggie blew her nose again.” She’s right, though. I’ve thought about it before. I just don’t have what it takes to kill someone. Not even him.”

  “We probably shouldn’t openly discuss murder in here. Sometimes it feels nice to think about hurting the people who have hurt us but to be helpful to Maggie, we should talk about things we can actually do."

  "Yes, dear, that is the best plan. Do you have any paper? So can we brainstorm?"

  I picked the legal pad of yellow lined paper and Bic pen up off the floor. "I can take notes if you'd like, Maggie. Or you can." I held the pad of paper up for her to take.

  She shook her head. “No, can you do it for me?”

  "Sure, I'd be happy to." Adrenaline raced through my body as I related to feeling unsafe and alone. My hand trembled as I rested it on the paper. "Do you think Hank knows where you are staying?"

  "I'm not sure. The girls and I moved half an hour from our old place. The victim's advocate helped pay for the rent. I've asked the girls to stay off social media and not post any pictures of themselves online that might give away where we are."

  I wrote down what she said, not sure what it would amount to, but it gave me a job to keep my mind off the memories brewing inside of me. “How old are your girls?”

  "Sammy is fourteen, and Lexi is sixteen. They had to change schools and are struggling to make friends. They are just as scared as I am. Sammy sees my counselor, but Lexi refuses."

  “Do they know you come here?”

  “No, only my counselor knows.”

  Sonya couldn't stay quiet. "What did Hank do to make you so afraid?"

  Maggie closed her eyes and rocked back and forth in her chair.

  “Maggie, you don’t need to share any more than you’re comfortable with.”

  "She kind of does. How can we help her stay safe if we don't know the details?"

  “Details aren’t an important part of the plan right now.”

  Maggie let out a deep breath. “He hurt us all. First, it was just me. Sometimes he would hit me, slap me across the face, and then he...” Her body began to tremble as she continued. “He spit in my face, kicked me, choked me...you name it, he did it.” She reached for the tissues that I placed on the floor next to her feet and dabbed her eyes. “I could deal with all that. What was I worth anyway? I didn’t earn money, or even have access to the check…”

  "You are worth so much, Maggie. You're a mom, a housewife, a person. You didn't deserve anything that asshole did to you." The anger in Norma's words caught me off guard.

  “Norma is right. You didn’t deserve any of that.”

  “But you don’t know the rest.” Maggie began to sob. “I’m not a good person. I’m a bad mom.”

  “Oh, Maggie, that’s not true.” Tears ran down Norma’s cheeks.

  “It is. You don’t know all of it yet.” In between gasps, she continued. “I...I... let my babies down. He...hurt them, too...because I wasn't strong enough to protect them.”

  Sonya piped up, “It’s on him. He’s the one that hurt them, not you. I never want to hear you say that again. Do you understand me?” The harshness of her voice stung.

  "Sonya, I know you want to be helpful and supportive, but try to be gentle." A deep breath escaped after the last word.

  "I'm sorry, I just hate how these low life pieces of shit make us feel like it's our fault when it's not.”

  Maggie blew her nose into the tissue she was holding. "I didn't tell you the worst part...the part that kills me." She closed her eyes and began to rock back and forth in her chair. "He made the girls his personal sex toys. The only reason I found out was when I took Lexi to the doctor. She hadn't been feeling good, sick for days, so I took her to the doctor to see what was wrong. They ran a bunch of tests and couldn't find anything. Until the pregnancy test results came back positive."

  Her words hit me hard. I felt the bottom of my stomach drop out. I wasn’t sure how much more I could listen to. The room went dark, and the only thing I could hear was my racing thoughts. My chest tightened and reminded me to breathe. I took a deep breath and reached for my necklace. The warmth of the metal against my skin brought me back to the group. My face was flush, and I hoped no one noticed I had zoned out for a little while. This was not about me. This was about Maggie. She needed me to be present with her and not lost in my head.

  As I glanced around the room, I noticed I had not created the disruption I imagined. I hadn’t lost as much time as I thought, so I was able to pick back up where we left off. “Oh, Maggie.” The anguish in Maggie’s voice ate away at me.

  "What happened next? Did someone beat the shit out of him?" Sonya was on the edge of her seat, bent over as far as she could without falling off. She bit her left index fingernail as she squirmed in her chair, waiting for a response.

  Maggie's pain was contagious; all of us were dabbing at tears. Norma had pulled her chair closer to Maggie and wrapped her in a maternal hug, rubbing her back. "Hush, Sonya. Violence doesn't always fix everything."

  “It sure as hell does. Tell me where that piece of shit is, and I’ll teach him a thing or two.”

  "Sonya, that's enough for now. I don't disagree with you, I want to hurt him, too, but right now, Maggie needs us." My honesty surprised me as much as it did them. The candor brought a smile to Sonya's face, and she extended her right hand up for me to give her a high-five. As our hands joined, I felt a connection I hadn't known I was missing. The four of us made our circle in the room so small that we were all touching. My hand went to Maggie's shoulder, and Sonya's followed. Maggie was still in Norma's warm embrace as she sobbed.

  "All for one, and one for all, or something like that." Sonya chuckled as she removed her hand and patted Norma's knee. Big things were happening in that stale conference room at Lawrenceville Regional Hospital. I stopped feeling nervous about failing these ladies and realized all I needed to do was be authentic. That was not something I had been in a long time, but trying didn't seem so scary anymore. There were people who needed what I could give them, and they had what I needed, too. It wasn’t complicated, it was just remembering all of that when things got difficult.

  Maggie lifted her head off Norma's shoulder, her eyes met mine, and I handed her a fresh tissue. She blew her nose and started where she left off. "Lexi was ten weeks pregnant when we found out. At that point, I didn't understand it was his, or the full extent of what had been happening.” She moved away from Norma to get comfortable in her chair, still holding her hand, and continued. "When we got to the car, I questioned Lexi about a boyfriend. She swore to me she didn't have one, and that she was a virgin. I made a snide comment about Mother Teresa and reminded her how much I can't stand liars. And then she blurted it out. 'It's Dad's!' I had to pull the car over after that because I believed her. I always felt that he was touching the girls, but I never had proof. I never saw anything, but I couldn't shake that feeling. Mother's intuition?" She paused as she shook her head.

  “So, on the side of the road, as cars passed by us, my world fell apart. I’d just been yelling at my daughter, who I failed to protect, and then everything I feared was coming true. And there was a baby to worry about. I mean, what do you even do?”

  “Holy shit, Maggie, I’m so sorry.” Sonya took a tissue from the box and dabbed her eyes, keeping her black mascara from running. “What did you do?”

  "I asked her if she was scared of him, she said yes, so I turned the car around and went to Sammy's school and signed her out early, then I drove us back to the doctor's office. I didn't know what to do or where to go. They gave us a room and called an advocate from the domestic violence center to come talk with us. As we waited for her to arrive, Sammy tells me he's been raping her, too." She took a long breath and closed her eyes. "I asked them to test her, too. Waiting for them to come back with the results was tortuous. I kept thinking, what if she's pregnant, too? When the nurse came back in the room, she wasn't smiling, so my heart kind of d
ropped. But she said it was negative. I guess, even with a negative test, there was nothing to smile about. Both of my girls had been violated in unspeakable ways."

  Norma tightened her grip on Maggie's hand as I handed her a cup of water. With her free hand, she took a sip. "When the advocate came, Lexi and Sammy both shared some of the hideous things he did to them. It had been happening for years. He videotaped them doing all kinds of things, and it was my job to try to find the tapes, but that's for a different day. Anyway, before long, the police showed up, and the girls had to tell their stories all over again. They heard enough from the girls that they went straight to Stop and Shop and arrested him."

  “Thank goodness they have you for a mom.” I wiped away my tears as our eyes met. My heart danced in my chest as memories flooded my mind.

  “No, that’s not true. Any other mom would have protected her kids. I failed them both.”

  "It might feel that way, but do you know how many moms would have hidden the whole thing and pretended not to know anything?"

  “No mother would ever do such a thing. That’s absurd. You’re just trying to make me feel better.”

  "No, I'm serious, Maggie. I worked with a family where the mom knew her daughter was being molested, but she didn't tell anyone, she just let him keep doing it." My throat tightened as I tried to push the memories out of my head. "Some moms don't deserve their kids, but you do, Maggie. Your girls have you, and that's important."

  “She’s right, honey, your girls are lucky to have you.”

  “That’s hard to believe. Lexi had to have an abortion. I mean, how could I let her have his baby? Either way was cruel. We don’t believe in abortions, but what other option did we have? We had to kill a baby because of him.”

  “Don’t look at it that way, you saved a baby with the abortion.” For once, Sonya offered some helpful advice. “You gave Lexi her life back with that abortion.”

  “I guess you’re right. I didn’t look at it that way.”

  “But, wait a minute…he was arrested? So, isn’t he still in jail?”

  “I think so.”

  “So why are you so freaked out that he knows where you live?”

  “Sonya.” Her helpfulness wore off as quickly as it came.

  “What? It’s a valid question.”

  “I don’t know where he is, I just don’t want him to find us. If he gets out, he’ll kill us. He only got ten years. And what if he escapes?”

  “As long as the court has your information, they will let you know if he gets released, or if he escapes. It's hard to trust, but all of you need this time to gather your strength. Let’s work on that together, okay?” I looked around to the others to get their encouragement.

  “That’s a good idea, dear. We’re here to help each other.” Norma nodded her head.

  The door to the room opened and Jane walked in. I had forgotten about her while we were listening to Maggie. I had no idea how to make her fit into our group now. It was only our second meeting, but so much happened in this last hour. It didn't feel like we were strangers anymore, it felt like family. The clock on the wall said we had already overstayed our hour by ten minutes. "Ladies, we lost track of time, we have gone over our hour. You're welcome to stay if you want to keep talking."

  "Sorry, I'm late. I'd like to stay." Still standing at the door, it felt like Jane needed more than I could give her today.

  Sonya pulled her phone out of her bag, sent a quick text message, and slipped it back into her purse. “I can stay for a while longer.”

  “All I have is time.” Norma smiled as she looked around the room. “Come have a seat, dear. Sorry, I forget your name.”

  “It’s Jane.”

  “We were supporting Maggie today. She had a lot to share with us, that’s what you walked into.”

  “Sorry to interrupt. I lost track of time.”

  “It’s OK, so did we. Maggie, are you OK with Jane joining us now?”

  “Yeah, it’s fine, we all know what it’s like to hurt.”

  “Do you have more you want to share today, Maggie?”

  “I don’t think I have anything left in me right now.” She blew her nose into her tissue and straightened her back against her chair.

  “How was your week Jane?”

  "How do you think? It was awful and lonely, and, well, it just sucked. I'm so angry at Carmen for leaving such a mess behind."

  “It’s normal to be angry. Have you been able to sleep?”

  “Only if I take something. A couple shots of Jack Daniels and an Ambien usually do the trick.”

  "Do you have friends or family that you can lean on?"

  “Nope. I don’t have any family to speak of, and all my friends are either dead, or I wish they were.” A laugh that didn’t match her words escaped. “I’m just kidding. Humor is the only thing taking the sting out of the pain right now.”

  “Do you have a therapist, dear?” Norma held her hand out for Jane to take, but she didn’t accept the gesture.

  "No, I don't have insurance or extra money." Her gaze held mine, and guilt flooded me.

  “Why don’t you stick around after group, and we can work on setting something up for you?”

  “Alright. Detective Philips said you were going to call me.”

  There it was. I wasn't sure he had told her I would call, but of course, he did. Why wouldn't he? If things got uncomfortable, Tim wanted to fix them. I guess I can't fault him for that.

  Another forty-five minutes passed before we decided we had enough for one day. Norma suggested they all exchange phone numbers, in case they wanted to check in before next week. When it came time to share my number, I handed them each a business card with my contact information. Part of me wanted to give them my cell phone number, but I didn’t want to cross that boundary. We had to keep this professional. It was the only way I was able to last in this position for as long as I had. Boundaries are what keep me from burning out.

  When Norma, Maggie, and Sonya left, I watched them walk down the hall as friends. My heart felt full as I witnessed the friendship blossom. There was so much room for potential for them, and me.

  Jane and I set a time for the following day for her to come in and talk. It went against everything inside of me, but I had to do this for her. I couldn’t let her struggle alone just because she didn’t have the money. This would be my gift to Carmen—for the beautiful girl with so much pain.

  Chapter Ten

  Back at my office, there was something white peeking out from under my door. My hands were too full to pick it up before entering. After unlocking the door and setting the armload of stuff on my desk, I went back to pick it up. A white piece of computer paper folded in half. Call me was all that was written on it. My mind went blank. Who would leave such a vague note? I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash, I had too much on my mind after that group to worry about something so insignificant.

  I needed to talk to Tim. He was the first person I thought of as all the memories came flooding back. I picked up the phone and began to dial his number when a knock on the door froze me in my tracks. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone else. I just wanted to go home and sit on the couch with Gabriel and Tim. I quietly placed the phone back on the receiver and stood up. Shit. What if I didn’t lock the door? Another knock, this time I saw the handle turn. Unsure what to do, my eyes stayed on the door as I stood in place. My heart raced during the seconds that passed.

  The door didn't open. My heart rate returned to normal when I realized I remembered to lock it. A piece of paper slid under the door. I tiptoed over to it, bent down, and picked it up. Will you be my girl? Check yes or no was all that was written on the white piece of paper. My heart fluttered in my chest as I read the words. I opened the door to see if Tim was still in sight. He had his back to me, waiting at the elevator. As the door chimed to open, I blurted out, "Yes."

  Tim’s head turned as he heard my voice. “Where in the hell did you come from?” A smile pushed up his che
eks. “Were you in there the whole time?”

  “Yeah…I was about to call you when I heard the knock on my door. I just didn’t want to deal with anyone except you after the group we just had.”

  He took a step toward me and grabbed me in his arms. The warmth of his embrace and the musky smell of his skin washed away the anxiety I carried inside me from the day. "I can read your mind, Val. I knew you needed me; I could just feel it."

  The thought scared me, there were too many things he couldn’t know, not yet, but it also put me at ease. Someone knew I needed them. That was still new to me. I worked hard to not need anyone, but Tim was different. There was nothing left in me to keep from needing him, and he knew it. “I’m glad you’re here. Do you have plans for tonight?”

  “I hope to. What do you have in mind?”

  “Want to come over, get some take out and watch some more criminals in action?”

  “Sure, that sounds fun. Is this a date?” He smirked as our eyes locked.

  “Well, I did say yes to being your girl.” The words made my body stiffen as they left my lips. Relax, Val, go with it.

  “What do you want for dinner?”

  “You said you can read my mind, let’s see how good you are. I’m leaving soon, can you come right over?”

  “The pressure’s on. Maybe I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth.” A nervous laugh danced off his lips.

  “I am confident that you’ll do just fine.”

  He reached down and kissed my cheek. The warmth of his lips made my body tingle. I grabbed onto his hand and squeezed. “See you soon.”

  Back in my office, I noticed the crumpled-up paper that had waited for me under my office door, picked it out of the trash, and compared the writing. Tim had left that one, too. Mystery solved. I grabbed my bag, turned off the lights and headed for the door. Excitement with lingering anxiety made my heart skip a beat.

  Gabriel was at the door waiting for me when I arrived home. His dinner was late, something he was used to, but it still made me feel guilty. "Hey Gabe, you'll never guess who's coming over. I know, I know, it's not that hard to guess, since he's the only company we've had, but Tim is coming over again. And, this time, it's a date." Gabriel brushed up against my legs as I prepared his dish. "He asked me to be his girl, can you even imagine? I think Tim is going to be around for a while. I like him a lot. Do you know what's funny? I miss him when he's not here. Crazy, I know. But don't you worry, Gabe, you will always be my number one guy."