Boundaries

by Jessica Aiken-Hall

  I checked my bedroom to find the bed a mess and in need of fresh sheets. Changing them would indicate that I was ready for something I knew I wasn’t, and leaving them as they were would only keep us out of here. Just having Tim next to me after today was what I craved. I felt safe with Tim. That was all I wanted, especially after the memories that came back to me today. I just wanted to shower and try to get it all off of me, but I knew it was deeper than that. I knew I had a lot of work to do, and a simple shower wouldn’t cleanse the toxic memories off of me. I knew and yet, I still wished it were that simple.

  A knock on the door took me out of my head. The smile left my face when I answered the door. “What…how did you find me?”

  “Ever hear of Google?”

  I stared back at her, hoping she would just disappear.

  “I need to talk to you, you said anytime.”

  “Jane, I meant at the office. Call me anytime at the office.”

  “Well, since I’m here now, aren’t you going to let me in?”

  “No, I’m sorry, I have company on the way. We have an appointment tomorrow. I won’t be of any help to you today, I’m exhausted.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t understand.” She turned to walk away.

  Her words cut like a knife. I prided myself on understanding. That was my livelihood. “Jane, wait. I’m sorry, you just caught me off guard. I was expecting someone else.”

  Turning back around, she dabbed her eyes with her sleeve. “No, I get it, you don’t have time for me. You can forget about tomorrow.”

  “No, Jane. Please come in. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  She accepted my invitation without any further luring and made herself comfortable on the couch. Gabriel jumped down as she went to pet him. A tickle in my throat kept me from speaking. I sat on my desk chair as I attempted to clear my throat. "What can I help you with, Jane?"

  “I don’t know. I just knew I needed to talk to someone, and you were the last one there with Carmen and me.”

  Of course, this day could not end without more uncomfortableness. “OK.” No other words would follow.

  “And, I’ve been thinking about that note I found.” My heart dropped as she reached into her purse. Disappointment filled the void in my chest as she blew her nose on the tissue she retrieved. “I don’t think she wrote it. What if she didn’t write it?”

  “What are you saying, Jane?”

  “That she didn’t kill herself. Someone else did.”

  “Who do you think would have killed her?”

  "That's the thing I don't know."

  “What makes you think Carmen didn’t write the note?”

  “It didn’t look like her writing. I hadn’t noticed before. I was too…emotional.”

  “Do you have a copy of the note?”

  “No. I gave it to the cops.”

  “Do you remember the name?”

  “No, they’re all the same.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, you know. They are all out to get you.”

  “I don’t think that’s true, Jane. I think they want to help.”

  A knock on the door got both of our attention. I had forgotten Tim was on his way with our dinner. Apprehension held me to the chair with the weight of a thousand pounds. What if he’s still in uniform? What is she recognizes him?

  “Well, aren’t you gonna get that?”

  “Yes, and I think we should pick up where we left off tomorrow at the hospital. OK?”

  She didn't budge as I got up to get the door. "Hi Tim, Jane is here, but she's just leaving, right, Jane?"

  Both of his hands were full, a bag of Chinese, a six-pack of Sam Adams and a dozen red roses. His right eyebrow arched up as he took in my words. "Ah…do you want me to come back?"

  “No, don’t be ridiculous, come in.” I turned to hold the door open and watch Jane for a reaction. She didn’t seem to recognize Tim. Thankfully he had changed into jeans and a sweatshirt, and his baseball hat hid some of his face. Jane reluctantly stood up and started for the door.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jane. Try to get some rest.”

  “Thanks a lot.” She sighed as she walked out the door, shutting it harder than she should have as she left.

  “What in the hell was that about? How does she know where you live?”

  “Hello to you, too.”

  He pulled me into a hug and the tension lifted. “Sorry, Val. That just caught me off guard. How are you doing?”

  “A little freaked out. She said she found me on Google. In all my years as a social worker, no one has ever done that before. I didn’t know I was so easy to find.”

  “Well, it is a small town, don’t you know what they say? Everyone knows everyone.” He laughed as he picked up the flowers and handed them to me.

  “More flowers? What did I do to deserve that?”

  “Just being you.” He smiled as I put them in a tall glass cup.

  “You’re the only one who thinks so.”

  “Yeah, me and Jane.” He leaned up against the counter and chuckled.

  “Knock it off, that’s not even funny.” I playfully pushed his chest.

  “I hope you like Chinese and beer. My ability to read your mind only comes and goes.”

  "I love Chinese and beer. I'm a little worried about how well you already know me."

  “I’d love to know you better.” He winked at me as he twisted the cap off his beer.

  “Oh? How so?”

  “You know.” He smiled as he waited for my reaction.

  “Wow, aren’t you forward?”

  “Hey, a guy’s gotta start somewhere.”

  “So, anyway, where do you want to eat? At the table or in there?”

  “Let’s get cozy in there.” He picked up the bag of takeout and took it into the living room with the six-pack. I brought the plates and forks.

  As he opened the boxes, I noticed pork lo mein and orange chicken. “Wow. You really do know me. This is getting scary.”

  "This is my go-to order. My favorites, and I just hoped you'd like them."

  “Mine, too. This is literally my order when I go.”

  “So, I remember something about you missing me.”

  My body temperature increased, my face not allowing me to hide my embarrassment. “Yeah, well, that’s true. I did miss you. I mean, I do miss you. I mean, well, you know what I mean.”

  “Go on.”

  "Today's group was a tough one. Some stuff came out for one of the ladies, and it got to me. The only thing I could think about was you. I'm so glad you were able to come over tonight. You don't know how badly I needed this."

  "I never thought I'd live to see the day where you wanted me around." He reached over and took my hand. "I think about this a lot, too. There is something about you, Val, that I find irresistible. Your dark sense of humor, your desire to be alone, your kind heart, it's all just the perfect combination. You're me, but a girl."

  “So, you love yourself so much that you want to date someone like you?”

  “Haha, very funny. More that it feels like you get me. It’s hard to explain it.”

  “No, I understand. It’s hard to find people who get me or people I want to get me. I’m pretty closed off.”

  “You don’t have to tell me that again.”

  “Funny, Tim. It’s just that I have a hard time trusting people. It’s easier to be alone than be hurt. But, something about you makes me feel like you are worth the risk.”

  “I’m honored, and like I told you before, I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

  “Thanks, Tim, now let’s eat, I’m starving. I forgot to eat lunch today, and probably breakfast.”

  My unwillingness to go further left an uneasiness in the air between us. I needed to talk to Tim more than I had ever needed to speak to anyone, and I really thought he would understand, but what if I wasn’t ready to go back to the pain? What if it was too soon and he leaves? What if he thought I was too much work or had too much baggage? A
ll of my thoughts took me further away; in the wrong direction. I wanted to be close to Tim, but now it felt like we were miles apart. Why did it always have to be a war inside my head? Why couldn’t it ever just be easy?

  “How’s the grub?” Tim’s voice brought me back to the room.

  “It’s perfect, thanks for bringing it.”

  “My pleasure. Now, how about you tell me where you just went?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Val, I’m a detective for Christ’s sake, it's my job to notice things. You were in your head there for a while. What’s up? Hard day at the office?” His sympathetic eyes were believable enough to trust his concern was sincere.

  “Yeah, it was a rough one. Obviously, to have Jane show up is eerie, I mean, if she knows how to find me, who else is going to show up?” As the words hit my ears, I thought about the magnitude of what I just said. The fear the words brought jolted me to start talking.

  Chapter Eleven

  “There’s a lot about me, about my past that I have never told anyone. I’ve always been too afraid to talk about it, ashamed, embarrassed, angry, I don’t really know what I feel.” My gaze left his as I thought of where to start.

  “Val, you can tell me anything and I will understand. There is nothing you can say that will scare me off. Try me.”

  "There's just so much. Today's group triggered me, it made me remember stuff that I have tried to bury away. One of the ladies talked about how her husband raped her daughters, and he got one pregnant." I paused to see his reaction. There was none, he was still just listening. "Hearing that made me sick. It paralyzed me for a minute, like a hard punch to the gut. I was sure the ladies would see how upset I was, but thankfully I was wrong. They focused their attention on her, as they should have. I didn't know what to say or how to act. It was just so…"

  “Wow, Val, I can see why that was hard. I think I’d kill anyone who did that to my kid.”

  “Wait, you have a kid?”

  “No, my hypothetical kid. But, just for the record, I do want kids. Anyway, enough about me, go on. Only if you want to.”

  "Well, hearing her say that brought me back to being fifteen again. When I was raped." I looked up to see if he was scared yet. His face was stoic but hinted red. "I told my mom, but she didn't believe me; she just thought I was a whore. A great word for a mom to call her daughter, right? Anyway, she made my life hell when I needed her the most. Turned against me, sent me away to a home for pregnant teens." I felt the color drain from my face as I realized what I had just said. I didn't want to tell him that part, not yet.

  “Jesus, Val, I don’t know what to say.” He put his hand on my knee and looked into my eyes. My pain was resting in him now.

  “I didn’t mean to say that last part. You must think I’m…”

  "I think you are remarkably strong. And I admire you so much more now."

  “The place she sent me to was nice, I made some friends while I was there with some of the other girls. I wasn’t the only one that rape sent there. When I was there, I didn’t have to do it alone. When it was time for the baby to come, I had a great team with me. I forgot about what an awful situation I was in. Until. . .” My throat closed as my eyes watered as I remembered. When I was able to swallow, I continued. “Until they took my baby.”

  “Oh, Val.” Tim’s eyes were wet with tears as he listened.

  “My mom told them that I wanted to give my baby up for adoption. She told them that I knew it was going to happen but asked them not to talk with me about it. The adoption agency worked with my mom and had everything signed, and a family picked out. All done behind my back. When he was born, they weren’t going to let me hold him, they said it would be too hard for me. They were right, but I am glad I had the chance to meet him.

  “One of the girls I was friends with told me I should write him a letter and give it to the adoptive family. I asked her to go to the gift shop for me and get something I could give him. She came back with this.” I lifted my necklace with half a heart to show him. “I kept this part and sent the other half with the letter to the family.”

  Tim shook his head as he wiped away the tears from his cheek. “I can’t even imagine being fifteen and having to think like that. Do you know where he is?”

  "No, it was a closed adoption. My mom wanted to make sure I would never be able to find him. I never got pictures, updates, or anything. I don't even know his name."

  “Did you name him?”

  “Gabriel.”

  Tim smiled as he caught the connection. “That’s a nice name, Val.”

  “I hope you don’t think I’m a tramp now.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Val. You are not a tramp. You were raped and robbed.”

  "As soon as I turned eighteen, I left home and never looked back. I don't talk to my mom or any of my family. I left everything behind because I didn't want her to be able to find me."

  “Ah, so now I know why having Jane find you was so upsetting, well, aside from the creep factor of it.”

  I nodded my head and wiped the tears off my face. "Thanks for listening and not judging me. Can we please keep this between us? I don't want anyone else knowing about any of this."

  “Val, you can trust me. Your secret is safe with me. Have you ever thought about looking for your son? Now that you’re older? How old is he now?”

  “He turned nineteen on April 5th. I haven’t looked for him. I think about him every day, I’ve worn our necklace every day since he was born. I just didn’t want to disappoint him, and honestly, I am not strong enough to take the rejection if he doesn’t want me in his life.”

  “I can help you find him if you ever want to.”

  “The perks of having a detective for a boyfriend?”

  “One of many.” His smile eased some of my grief. He moved closer to me and pulled me into him. “I only want to make you happy.”

  “I think I’m ready for that.”

  Tim leaned down and kissed me. He took my face in his hands and gently kissed my lips. I loved the way he made me feel. His warmth calmed me. Years of angst floated away when I was in his arms. I knew he meant what he said about protecting me. I had never felt safer in all my life.

  Chapter Twelve

  When I arrived at work, I had an hour before Jane was scheduled. I wasn’t sure what she was going to want. There was nothing I could do to help her get Carmen’s case re-opened. Once a case was closed, it was rare the detectives ever admitted they might have been wrong. I didn’t know what she expected of me.

  Ten minutes before nine, my phone rang. “Val, your nine o’clock is here, would you like me to ask her to wait?”

  “No, I’ll be right up.” Ten minutes early, but at least she showed up. I grabbed a notebook and pen and headed for the stairs. Counseling the living was not my favorite part of the job, but Jane intrigued me, or maybe what tugged at me more was that Carmen was the same age as Gabriel. I could relate to the pain of losing a child.

  Jane sat up straight in a chair pushed into the long conference room table, a legal pad of yellow paper in front of her, with her pen capped, at the side. Under the pad of paper was a large manila envelope. She seemed more approachable than she had been last night. “Hi Jane, how are you doing this morning?”

  A heavy sigh escaped as she took a deep breath. “I’m really sorry about last night.”

  “It’s okay, I…”

  "No, it's not. I know I should have never shown up at your place like that. I was just desperate and had a little too much to drink. That's a deadly combination." Her choice of words made her close her eyes as she dropped her head. "I sometimes drink to make the pain go away. To make it all go away. I know how bad it is for me, I just don't have it in me to stop."

  “I get it, Jane. The pain you’re feeling must be overwhelming. A part of you was stolen, and now you question if she did it herself, or if someone did it to her. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling.” Except, I could, to some extent. I knew that
pain all too well. It kept me up some nights, and the pain of not knowing where Gabriel was, or how he was doing ate away at my sanity.

  Jane’s eyes met mine, and we held each other in a gaze of understanding. It was almost as though she knew what I was thinking. “You know, you’re the first person who hasn’t said they know how I feel. You don’t know how much that pisses me off. No one knows what this feels like.”

  “You’re right. You’re the only one who knows your pain. Some people think they’re helping when they say that stuff, but it usually makes it worse.”

  “You’ve done this a time or two, huh?”

  "Just a few, but I've been in a situation where people said that to me, and I know how much it didn't help, so I try to be aware of what's not helpful."

  “Have you?” She paused. “Lost a child?”

  “We’re not here to talk about me, Jane, we’re here for you.”

  “Yup, just like the rest of you.” Her voice rose as frustration bubbled up. “You want to know my business, but I can’t know yours.”

  Caught off guard by her sudden change in mood, shame took over, instead of the normal anger this would have brought. "No, Jane. I haven't lost a child. I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't want to talk about me when we have so little time to talk about your needs." Had I lost a child? I don't even know. I lost him, but is it forever? Is the pain the same?

  “I’m sorry to be so short with you. It’s just that I’ve heard this all before. You know? I have to tell my secrets, and any time I have a question, I get shot down. I just want to be real. You know?”

  “Yes, I do. I understand it can feel like we are above you, but that’s not how I operate, Jane. We are both human, we have both seen and done many things in our lifetimes. Some things hurt, some things are great, but we all know how it feels to be…well, human.”