Surrender to More

by Rachel De Lune

  “Sometimes being vulnerable is the strongest thing you can do. Strength isn’t just about a steel wall to keep everyone out. Strength can be about picking yourself up and not losing hope—believing in someone.”

  “But that’s just it. I’m not able to do that. It’s too… much. Too daunting.”

  “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Jess. But is all of this coming from this one incident?” My eyes drop to stare at my hands again as I contemplate telling Amanda the full truth. I wring my thumb in my hand, trying to find the strength from behind the wall I’ve erected to keep everybody out.

  “Daniel had to work twice as hard as Pete for my love.” I start but have to pause to make sure my voice stays level. “After finally coming to trust him, I fell hard and fast. I was certainly less naïve with Daniel. I knew love could hurt, but he was so sure of us.” I look up to make sure Amanda understood how sincerely I believed that. It was important to me she believed that. “I loved him with all of my heart, and I was ready to marry him… until he changed his mind. My heart wasn’t just shattered that time. He took a part of my soul with him, a part I will never get back. Daniel fled our wedding. He left me standing at the altar, in front of all of my family, our guests. I felt utterly gutted and humiliated, and I couldn’t even hide from people. He wasn’t man enough to break my heart in private.” The gentle, rhythmic tic of the wall clock is all that fills the office now. I focus on that noise as the memory surfaces. Humiliation, pain, betrayal, they all take their own cut at me before I mentally slam the lid shut again.

  “I can imagine that was a very painful experience for you. I’m sorry.” She pulls a tissue from the box tactfully positioned on the table and hands it to me. I didn’t even notice I’d started crying.

  “I’m sorry… I, don’t.”

  “It’s fine.”

  I dab my eyes and sit up straighter in the chair. This was stupid. I hadn’t cried in years. I check my watch even though I can see the clock on the wall. After that little reveal I wanted to get back to safer ground.

  “I think you’ve built walls for a long time. Trust isn’t just given, by either party. It must be worked at and earned. Without the willingness to take a risk, however, you keep out all the good that can come from a relationship, not just the risks associated with them.”

  Her words make me think back to what Luc told me he’d need before anything happened between us. Izzy’s wedding might have started my change in heart, but Luc has been a catalyst in his own way. He’s made me question the idea of trust. Surely, that’s enough for me to move forward?

  “Don’t let fear rule this part of your life.”

  I listen to her words and try and take strength from them, but I didn’t want to risk the pain again. What was the point? Even as I think the words, Luc’s handsome face comes to mind, and I feel my heart flutter with excitement. Would he be worth the risk?

  I leave The Clark Practice and head home feeling more confused and uncertain than I have in years. I was always the stable one. Straight down the line, I knew what I wanted, and I got it. I needed to apply that thinking to Luc.

  Izzy is going to kill me. Seb is going to kill me—if Luc doesn’t first. Luckily I was too distracted by my own thoughts to talk with Izzy on the ride home from Solace the previous week. I sat staring out the window. All that staring is now priceless as I steer through the country roads in an attempt to find my way back to Solace.

  I don’t even know if Luc will be there. Any normal girl would have gotten his number and called him and asked to meet over coffee or a drink. That didn’t seem right for this evening. I’d done some serious thinking over the last few days about what I discussed with Dr. Cross. It seems after picking at the loose thread of my feelings, they were all unravelling now.

  Izzy was right. I wanted to know what it would be like with Luc. Not simply to be with him physically, but to actually let myself be vulnerable. I’d always shielded myself, been the tough one when I dated guys. I called the shots. One touch from Luc and I was a molten mess. No one had ever evoked such a reaction in me. Put that together with the notion of being strong enough to let my barriers down, and I didn’t have another choice I wanted to take.

  I turn in and face the gates to Solace. They magically opened for Seb. I hope they magically open for me. They do. I park and muster all the courage I have to walk to the door and pretend I belong here. I lift the heavy knocker and wait for the butler to open it. He doesn’t greet me by name—just stands and looks at me. I pull myself up taller and pray for balance in these heels.

  “Can I help you, Miss?”

  “You can let me in. I’m a little early, but I’ll be meeting Sebastian and Izzy shortly. Will that be a problem?”

  “Non-members aren’t permitted without an escort.” He looks down his nose at me.

  “So you’d rather I wait outside until my escort arrives?” My sneer has the desired effect, and the stiff older man concedes and opens the door for me.

  “You will need to stay in the reception bar, Miss. Until Mr. York arrives.”

  “I know my way around.”

  “No, that simply won’t do.” As he steps in front of my path, I can see my plan isn’t going to work. A flash of black hair catches my eye, and I see Natasha heading towards one of the alcoves.

  “She’ll be my escort. Natasha!” I shout, and she spins to look at me. As soon as she does, I wish she hadn’t. The laser-like scrutiny she focuses on me has me shaking in my death heels. She halts.

  “Pardon me, Ms. Devlin. Do you know this woman? She says she’s waiting for Mr. York.”

  “Yes, I know her. I’ll see she’s safe.” The frosty bite to her voice sends my nerves rolling in my stomach. The butler backs away, and Natasha turns and glides back in the direction she was headed. I attempt, ungracefully and slowly, to follow. She waits for me at the top of the spiral stairs, tapping her fingers on the ironwork railing.

  “What do you think you’re doing here? Seb and Izzy won’t be coming until later,” she seethes.

  “I wanted to see Luc. I was here last week. I didn’t know it would be a problem.” I stand tall in my heels, but Natasha dominates me in both height and grace. She’s immaculate, as usual—and unnerving.

  “Luc certainly isn’t expecting you. As was made clear to you last week, in here the game is very different. You, my dear, are a newbie, a tourist, and you certainly don’t have a guide. I’d reconsider if I were you. If you’re serious about learning more about BDSM, then we can talk. Turning up like this, unaccompanied and uninvited, is a bad move.”

  All my fight and courage flee in the face of Natasha’s reprimand. My assumption I could show up and see Luc was way off base. I’d come to tell Luc I wanted to try, at least, to trust him, to give him the first move. Izzy’s comment about finding out where this could lead had stuck with me, and so had Dr. Cross’ about being strong enough to be vulnerable. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the conviction that if I could explain to Luc about what a huge step it was for me to trust, but I wanted to try... then we might be able to work. I hold on to that thought, because truthfully, I didn’t have a clue what else to do.

  I resist Natasha’s glare. Luc was the reason I was here. I can’t buckle under the first sign of pressure. I have enough problems with my own shit. How was I meant to know I’d crossed some made up rule? I remain standing. I won’t back down, and I certainly won’t leave from Natasha’s words alone. I straighten my shoulders and try to hold my ground. Like at Izzy’s party, I feel myself being pulled towards her. My eyes skip to her lips and back to her grey eyes. Finally, I crack and lower my head.

  “Please, Natasha. I want five minutes to speak to him. Won’t you help me?” I look up through my lashes and contemplate begging.

  “Interesting. Right. Keep your head lowered and try not to make a scene, and don’t judge Luc for anything you see. Those are the terms. Take them or leave.”

  “Take. Thank you.”

  “Don’t th
ank me yet.”

  Natasha turns and heads down the stairs at an alarming clip considering the height of her heels. My hand clutches at the railing to steady myself as I wobble in her wake.

  She breezes into the playroom, and I note the larger crowd as I walk after her. She heads directly to the stage area on the other side of the room. Then stops dead. I look at Natasha. Her focus is set on the cross in front of us.

  A beautiful, lithe woman decorates the big apparatus. Her arms are stretched wide above her head and are tied to each corner. Her feet mirror the stance. I look closer and see her taut breasts cupped and pulled at, squeezed and moulded by hands eager to explore. Her partner stands behind the cross and out of sight. I only catch glimpses as he moves around his sub. Her head falls back in bliss and I know what we’re watching. Luc is the one playing with her. That’s why Natasha led us here.

  Like last week, my eyes fix on what he’s doing to this woman. He stops the rough handling of her and steps around to her side. He holds something in his hand and the top emits a low glow. I turn to Natasha and open my mouth to…

  “Just watch.” He slowly moves the glowing stick down the woman’s arm. As it gets close to her skin, tiny lightning bolts skip from the wand to her skin, and I hear corresponding moans. Luc gently brushes the toy down her arm and then skips to her chest, circling one breast, then the other. His movements are slow and torturous, if the cries from his prisoner are anything to go by. She’s begging for relief, pleading with Luc to make her come.

  Watching the show makes it impossible not to feel my own desire spike and build. Just like before, jealousy builds within me and unfamiliar frustration eats at me.

  “He’s playing with her. He’ll want her to feel pain and pleasure before he gives in to her, and that will only be when he’s ready. He’s in control.” Natasha’s words don’t soothe any of the emotions fighting within me.

  I try looking at anything else to distract from the building throb between my legs. The whole room is charged with a sexual friction that adds to my growing need. My knickers are damp, and I long to feel Luc’s body pressed against mine.

  I shake myself back to reality, where I watch Luc play with a woman only a few meters away from me. I clench my teeth and push past a surprising stab of jealousy and betrayal. This is nothing like my past.

  The wand sparks over the woman’s exposed body, and I try to imagine what level of pain he’s inflicting. Her cries haven’t quietened, and her face looks desperate for more. The sparks continue to dance back and forth between her skin and the electric wand, and I see how trust is pivotal in this scenario. Luc is literally electrocuting her for pleasure.

  He covers most of her body at one point or another. It’s beautiful. Like a dance. I notice he withholds any intimate touches, which must add its own form of pain.

  Finally, he stops with the spark show and picks something out of a bag at his feet. He stands in front of the woman and he slides what looks like a vibrator inside her. she fills the room with gasping cries as her orgasm finally releases her from erotic prison. I can’t tear my eyes away from either of them. My mind puts me on the cross, Luc’s hands on me, making me come—hard.

  When her cries finally soften, Luc moves to her side and glances towards me. Our eyes lock, and desire and fear mingle within me. His eyes never leave mine as he positions himself at the back of the woman. He whispers something in her ear, and I see her relax in her tethered position.

  Luc moves towards the edge of the stage. Another woman comes up and sets about freeing the bound woman. Luc moves directly to me. His body is tense and his face harsh and threatening. I glance to Natasha but she has vanished. I steady myself for the confrontation, because I’ve no doubt there will be one.

  “What are you doing here?” he growls.

  “I… came to tell you, I want to try.” The courage I had mustered to come here flees, and I feel small under his forceful presence.

  “Try? Try what? Do you even like the idea of me hurting you? Causing you pain?”

  “I…”

  “Lost your words? Do you know what a safeword is?” He crowds me and encroaches on my space so we’re nose to nose.

  “No.” I admit, feeling foolish for thinking he’d be satisfied with my tepid offer to “try”. “You’ll use a safeword when I push you or punish you past what you’re comfortable with. If I flog you too hard, or mark you, or do anything beyond what you want to give, say your safeword and everything stops.”

  Fear snakes into my blood. I’m afraid coming here might not have been a sensible idea. I’ve no clue what it would be like to feel pain administered by Luc. I might get turned on and wet from watching, but receiving it is a big difference.

  “You should go back home and stop pretending this is what you want. It would be easier for both of us.”

  My heart, the small piece still intact, gives a little thud and reminds me why I’m here. Despite how angry Luc seems at me, I will say my piece. I can lick my wounds at home. There is no way I’m letting him see how hurt I am by the way he’s treating me.

  “I came to say I like you and wanted to work at building something with you. It takes a lot for me to make myself vulnerable. I thought that was what you were asking for last week. I see our expectations about where we would start are different. I’m sorry I came back.” I step away, make a beeline for the exit, and nearly run into Natasha.

  “I warned you, Jess.”

  “Not now, Natasha. It’s taken a hell of a lot for me to come here tonight. Luc didn’t appreciate it. I certainly don’t need another dressing down from you. I’m leaving.” She grabs my arm, halting my retreat.

  “What did he say?”

  “That I should stop pretending.”

  “Are you?”

  “Not at liking Luc, or wanting to see if there is anything between us. All the other stuff, he hasn’t really given me a chance. I know it’s crazy, and believe me, I feel the fool now.” I snatch my arm back and head towards the door. The sooner I’m out of here the better.

  LUCAS

  “What the hell was all of that about?” Natasha’s voice strikes through the air and lands with the precision of a whip.

  I don’t rise to her provocation and continue to drain the beer from the bottle. Surprisingly, I was in need of something to take the edge off.

  “Please be specific, Natasha.”

  She towers over me in her uniform stiletto boots. “Jessica. Despite her stupid decision to find you here, she did not warrant that treatment from you, and you damn well know it.”

  I’d been trying to forget the little firecracker since I dismissed her earlier. It was proving to be easier said than done. She’d shocked me, venturing here on her own. She certainly had more guts than I had originally thought and didn’t that just add to her appeal.

  “You shouldn’t have humiliated her like that. Your head was still in your scene.”

  “Really, you believe I was still thinking about the scene?”

  “Give Jess some credit and don’t treat her like she wasn’t worth the time. I can see the lust burning you up every time you look at her. If you don’t sort your shit out now, you’ll never see her again.”

  “Yeah, you’re so sure that’s what I want?”

  “I’d bet my favourite flogger on it. Go and apologise to her. Calm the fuck down and talk to her. She likes you.” She stalks off without looking back. She has several good points, but I’d never admit that to her face. In truth, Jessica had captured my imagination since she walked into my practice. Seeing her in Solace only magnified my interest, but I knew I had to tread lightly. She was nothing like the women I preferred to play with. I leave the beer bottle on the table and head back upstairs. I pull my phone from my jeans and text Natasha for Jess’ address.

  As soon as I’m out of my dress and heels and in my pyjamas, I raid my stash of chocolate. I pull the white chocolate bar out and slump on the sofa in the front room. The rich tastes of vanilla and cocoa do little to c
heer me up. I snap another piece from the bar, hoping this one will take away the hurt from Luc’s words. He was right. I knew nothing about his world. It was just a physical attraction. That’s all.

  Half a bar later and I feel no better. Perhaps it was for the best. A close call. I already knew too much about heartache. It eats you up from the inside and leaves you a hollow shell of your previous self. I’d just be opening myself up for more of that with Luc. This way, I won’t be troubled with the ‘what if’. I tried. He didn’t want me. I can move on.

  The knock on the door echoes in the hall, and I inwardly groan. There is no way I can face talking to Izzy. She’s the only one who’d come round to see me this late, and I don’t relish the idea of getting told off for going to Solace. I get up from the sofa to answer the door, surprised Izzy hasn’t used her key.

  “Izzy, it’s late.” I swing the door open. Luc stands on my doorstep.

  His sleeves are rolled up, revealing his delicious arms. He’s braced on either side of the door and looks up at me.

  “What do you want? I thought you made yourself pretty clear earlier.”

  “I came to apologise. I was, harsh on you. Certainly more than I should have been. I also wasn’t very fair.”

  “Thank you for the apology. It’s late. If you don’t mind.” I try to close the door, but his arm blocks it.

  “Jess, please. Let me explain. We’ve not gotten off to the best of starts at Solace. Perhaps here would be better?”

  Warning bells sound in my head. If I let him in, I’m almost certain there will be sex involved. I don’t want to be his second thought after being with that sub.

  “Haven’t you had enough for one night? Couldn’t find a willing sub at Solace?”

  “Princess, there’s only one person I’d consider fucking tonight, and that’s you. Now will you let me in?” In spite of my reservations, I widen the door and let him in.

  “Thank you.”

  I back away but plant myself near the door, unwilling to give any more ground.