Surrender to More

by Rachel De Lune

  “I normally love all of my patients. They come to me for a reason, and they genuinely want to work on their problems.”

  “Good.”

  “But there’s this one who seems too stubborn to listen.” My eyes flick up to Amanda, who’s busy getting comfortable on the sofa. It’s strange to see. Dr. Cross is so reserved and proper, but then when you give her room to talk, she sheds that professional exterior and relaxes. I wait for her to elaborate on the characteristics of her patient, my palms suddenly sweaty at the thought this might be about Jess.

  “She’s here for all the right reasons, and she’s making some excellent progress. Finally. She’s been blocking emotional connections for so long I did wonder if she was going to be able to actually move forward with what she wants. But she has this stubborn streak that she’s not prepared to give up.”

  “Maybe that is just who she is?” I offer.

  “No. I don’t think it’s that. Or, more she’s being headstrong for all the wrong reasons.”

  “Her reasons might be important to her.”

  “Yes, and she’s told me what they are. But she's not honest. It’s the hardest part of working with people.”

  “Have you told her you don’t like being lied to?”

  “No, she's not dishonest with me. If that were the case, it would be easy. She’s not being honest with her new boyfriend. She’s keeping something from him that’s stopping her from really truly moving on from her past and getting over her fear of commitment.” Right then I know I should excuse myself and admit there is a huge conflict of interest here. Amanda is seeking a professional opinion, but it’s clear that she has no idea Jess and I are dating, or that the boyfriend she’s keeping things from is me.

  Of course, I could be wrong, but there are too many coincidences. Right now, I’m being a bastard, but Jess has got me staring at a brick wall.

  “What’s her big secret then?”

  “Her would-be husband left her at the altar. Everyone she’s ever trusted and loved has betrayed her. Time and time again, so she’s gone into protection mode. She’s never really dealt with any of her past grievances and has found a coping mechanism that until recently had worked. She’s really trying to love again, but the fear of being hurt is still raw for her. Trust is also a big factor and is clouding her judgement. She knows that not letting her new beau in on the full story of her past is wrong. But she’s not acting on it. Hence, stubborn.”

  I let Amanda’s words sink in. Jess was jilted and cheated on. I flex my knuckles and try and focus my mind on anything other than the scum-bag piece of trash who would do that to her.

  She should have told me. She should have fucking told me.

  “Luc, are you alright?” Amanda interrupts my mental tape, and I’m sure she’s thinking that it’s me that needs to be talking to her.

  “Just a lot on my mind.”

  “So, what should I do with my patient?” Wasn’t that the question of the day.

  “She doesn’t sound like the kind of woman who will be told what to do if she doesn’t agree with it. You might have to practice patience with her and see where it leads.” My answer is completely justified and everything I wasn’t going to do. “I’m sorry, Amanda. Can I cut this short?”

  “Of course. I didn’t think you were in the best place for this today.”

  “I apologise. I shouldn’t take my mood out on you.”

  “Nonsense. We all have bad days.”

  I leave Amanda’s office and storm up to my own. I grab my phone and keys and head towards Jess’ house. My reasonable mind catches up with me a few minutes in and I tap a few buttons on the console and call Seb.

  “Luc, what can I do for you?”

  “Are you free? I could use a drink and some advice if you’re up for it?”

  “I can be. Where are you? I was heading home in a few but can meet you somewhere instead.”

  “How about Brandon’s. Say twenty minutes?”

  “Okay. See you there.” I end the call and switch directions back towards home. I park the car and walk at a brisk pace to get to the bar on time. I know if I don’t get the aggression surging through me under control, I’m likely to lash out, and that won’t be pretty. At least Seb can take it. Hopefully he’ll have some good advice for me as well. My steps eat up the pavement, and I’m outside the quiet bar before I know it.

  I enter and order two beers before sitting at a small table. I sip the beer slowly, hoping the cold liquid will calm my frustration and temper. It does neither. What I really want to do is spank the truth from Jess’ pretty backside and make sure she never considers lying to me again.

  Fuck it! I stand, abandoning the drinks.

  “Sit back down.” Seb’s hand presses down on my shoulder, preventing my exit. “You called me for a reason, so let’s talk.”

  “I’m not sure we can solve this through words.”

  “How about we try. At least get you seeing something other than red. Want to fill me in?” Seb sits down and waits for me to speak.

  “Jess and I aren’t seeing eye to eye.”

  “I gathered that much from Izzy. She said you left her at Solace.”

  “I left her because I was likely going to do something I’d regret. Natasha was there to look out for her.”

  “Hey, I’m not here to judge.”

  “I know. Thank you. How did you know Izzy was the one? I mean, she was married, and you didn’t start in the usual way.”

  “Well, I didn’t at first. But as we grew closer, I realised she was everything that I wanted in both a partner and a submissive. She was my match.”

  “I’m not sure it’s that simple for Jess and me.”

  “It wasn’t for Izzy and me. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall for a lot of the time.”

  “Jess won’t let me in. She lets me control her body, and she submits to everything I ask, but she doesn’t trust me.”

  “Do you really believe that?”

  “She’s kept some pretty fucking big details from me. Why should I keep trying?”

  “I can’t answer that. But how would you feel if she started playing with someone else at the club?”

  “I’d fucking kill him.”

  “And if she walked out on you?”

  “I’d chase after her.”

  “Well, you have your answer, don’t you?”

  “When you put it like that.” I might be mad as hell, but I didn’t want to give up on us. We were only just making progress.

  “Is Georgie a reason?”

  “Georgie? Hell no. I loved Georgie. But I’ve grieved and it was a long time ago. I want Jess. She just… makes me want to drag her away and tie her up so she can’t keep running. And stop her keeping me in the dark about what’s going on in her head.”

  “I know how that feels. But have some faith.”

  “Faith?”

  “Faith. I had to leave Izzy to make her see. I don’t advocate that for you. You two seem to be fighting being together more than anything else. But if she’s who you want to be with?”

  This conversation has gone from uncertainty to admitting that Jess was who I wanted to fight for. It didn’t dilute the rage burning through me, though.

  “Have you two sat down and talked? About how you actually feel for each other.”

  “No.”

  “Can I remind you that you’re the shrink here, not me.”

  “No.”

  “Stop brooding and get over it. Don’t live up to all the judgements Jess has made over the years. Prove her wrong.” Seb stands and leaves without touching his drink. His words make sense. Picturing Jess with another man didn't help my current state of fury and served to prove that despite everything, Jess had gotten to me. It didn’t seem fair to mention Georgie or to have her in the same conversation as Jess. She was a lifetime ago. Jess was my future. Shit!

  I down the rest of my pint and leave Seb’s on the table and make my way back to home. I text Jess on the way. We n
eeded to clear the air. Hopefully, she’ll pick up her damn phone this time.

  Tuesday I was in such a mess I couldn’t go into work. Not in the morning, at least. I was pretty sure I would have been arrested for drunk driving if I attempted to drive first thing. I slept the morning away and after a scalding shower, ventured to the office.

  For all intents and purposes, the hard work had been done. I needed to wait until the full board meeting and then implement the plan they approved. I hid in my office, nursing my hangover and guilty conscience about ignoring Luc. I needed to talk to him.

  My decision to end things was one of the few thoughts that had lodged itself in my brain, despite the alcohol. It was for the best. Neither of us were being honest with each other. We had both kept crucial aspects of our past—things that would shape our future—from each other. We weren’t compatible. Luc would turn out like all the others.

  The text message from him was the prompt I needed. I should have spoken to him before now. I owe him an explanation.

  We need to talk. Meet me at my house. Luc

  I’ll be there in half an hour. Jess

  The drive over didn’t give me the time I needed to prepare the words I knew I must say. Whenever my relationships—if you could even call them that before—had reached this point, it was an easy strike. End things before I got invested. It had kept me safe. Not this time.

  With every beat of my heart, the ache grew more acute, like a crippling punishment for loving him. Our relationship was not one that was going to be easy to push aside and pretend had never happened—nothing like the previous times.

  Luc would have to live as a memory now. It was time to wake up and face the real world again.

  I park and hit the button for Luc’s apartment. The buzz signals my entry, and I make my way up the stairs, each footfall echoing to me as loudly as a midday bell ringing out over the square. The door is ajar, and I push it open. My hand shakes as I grip the door-knob, and I hope I can shield my nerves from Luc. It would be one more layer of humiliation if he knew how nervous I was.

  Luc is sitting on his large corner sofa, stretched out and looking as relaxed and calm as on any other day I’ve visited. Clearly, he hasn’t been as concerned as I have.

  “I’m glad you asked me over.”

  “Really? Well, that’s something.” He tips the clear liquid from his glass down his throat and stands up. His voice is sharp and clipped and doesn’t fill me with the desire it normally does. If he keeps this up, it will be a lot easier for me to say what I need to.

  “Yes. I owe you an explanation. I’m sorry I haven’t returned any of your calls or texts. But I needed some time to clear my head.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.” I take a few steps towards Luc and straighten in an attempt to look decisive and confident. “I’ve come to understand this isn’t the best time for us to be trying to start a relationship. I have a lot of commitments with work which need my focus. You know trying any sort of relationship is a big step for me and… I’m not sure I’m ready.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. Do you know any other words except for really?” I snap.

  “I do. But at the moment that one will suffice.”

  “So that’s all you’ve got to say?”

  “Oh no, Princess. I’ve got plenty to say. You just won’t want to hear it.”

  “I thought you were the one who demanded honesty? Or does that only work for me?” My hands find their way to my hips as I challenge him.

  “Honesty? You have no right to shove that at me when you’re standing there lying to me through your teeth.” He hisses the last words, his anger now clearly evident.

  “Excuse me. I am not lying!”

  “Oh, you are. You might mask it with the truth, but I know you. You trying to end this between us is a defensive reaction. You’re not used to feeling something other than indifference or kindness for your partner and so you're shutting it down. I agree the timing might be shit, but you’re hiding behind that. I know what’s between us.”

  “You are so far off.” I counter, waving my hands in the air as if they will help me by some miracle. Turns out Luc’s words can get under my skin almost as much as his touch can. “Why didn’t you tell me you were engaged?” I blurt. It’s out of my mouth before I can stop it. I wanted to say something that would get the upper hand and stop Luc’s mightier-than-thou attitude.

  Luc storms the remaining meters between us and grabs the top of my arms with his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me you were about to be married?” My eyes pop, widening like saucers at what he says.

  “How did you find out about that?” I seethe, already fighting the tears that are burning to escape. “Who told you?” I scream.

  His face morphs from challenge to pity as he acknowledges what that little piece of knowledge has done to me. He went behind my back. Only a handful of people know about that part of my past. The logical conclusion was he found the information from his position at The Clark Practice. He betrayed my trust.

  “No one told me.” He has the decency to look concerned.

  “No, you took it upon yourself to find out what you wanted about me. How could you?”

  “Who told you about Georgie?”

  “Some girl at Solace. Seems it wasn’t so much of a secret, but you didn’t think it was something you should tell me about.” The fight has fled from my voice. Right now I want the ground to swallow me up. It was a mistake. All of this was a mistake. I try and pull away from Luc’s hold but his hands don’t loosen their grip.

  “I need to leave. We have nothing else to discuss.”

  “No. I’m sorry I yelled, but you were going to throw this all away.”

  “There isn’t anything to us, Luc. It would never have worked. I’m not made this way.”

  “Yes, you are.” He gently shakes me, trying to get me to look at him. Right now, I can’t face the look on his handsome face. “You just had a few bad experiences that have coloured everything else in your life.”

  “A few bad experiences?” His casual dismissal of one of the most devastating moments of my life flips something inside. “I’m sorry, but that’s not how I remember it. Seeing the man I loved, more than anything else in the world, walk out on me, abandon me and leave me in pieces, on what should have been the happiest day of my life. A day that marked the start of our life together? How dare you belittle it.” I wrench my body from his grasp.

  “I’m not belittling it. I want you to stop and look at what’s right in front of you, now. What you have, now.”

  “And what’s that, Luc? A man who lied about his own past? Who only wants a woman who follows his orders and does what he says. Yes, Luc, certainly Luc.”

  “Stop this, Jess. Don’t let your pride get in the way of what this is really about. We both have feelings for each other. You just can’t remember how to accept them.”

  “I’m not going to play your game anymore. I’m sorry I’m not who you were looking for.” I turn and practically run for the door.

  “Jess!” I ignore Luc’s call and rush down the stairs, nearly tripping over my own feet in my haste to leave before anything else is said.

  I roar through the front door, slamming it shut behind me.

  I am a mess. This wasn’t what I wanted.

  A clean break. Explain things weren’t going to work out and leave. No drama, no pain, no doubt.

  Of course, none of that went to plan when it came to Luc. Nothing had gone to plan with Luc. He had filled up a place in my heart I thought was dead. Now I couldn’t stem the pain that was flowing as easy as water from the tap.

  I tug the fridge open looking for an alcoholic remedy and find nothing to bandage me up. I move to something stronger. There was plenty of gin in the new bottle, and the tonic was well stocked. I could forfeit the ice and lime.

  One drink turned to half the bottle, and the other half was disappearing quicker than was sensible. The room had started spinning several drinks
ago. I didn’t care. The sofa was a safe place. I couldn’t trip and fall, and it was comfortable. The gin wasn’t allowing me to forget, though. I wanted to block out all memories of Luc until I could learn to bury them. They needed to be buried deep. Deeper than Daniel or Pete. Deeper than both put together. A nagging little voice in my head wouldn’t leave me in peace. She kept threatening I’d never be rid of the pain and that there wasn’t enough gin in the world to make me forget Luc. Right now, I was attempting to prove her wrong.

  The time on the clock read 1:00 a.m. Or was it 11:00 p.m. My eyes either wouldn’t focus or they were seeing more than one of everything. I lift my head from the comfy sofa and immediately let it drop back down. I reach for my glass but misjudge it and knock it right off of the table.

  “Oops.” I giggle to myself. I haul my body to sitting so I wouldn’t make the same mistake with the bottle of gin. There was a scant inch or two left in the bottle and at least some tonic. I reach to pick up my knocked over glass and mix the remaining liquids for my final drink. Might as well finish the lot.

  I knock it back and gasp at the bitter taste. It immediately dries my mouth as I swallow down the too-strong gin mix. My eyes water and make my vision even poorer. I pat the table with my hand, looking for my phone. It was around here somewhere, and I suddenly felt the need to explain to Luc that death by gin was in fact, his fault.

  My fingers feel for the slim rectangular device that held my life. Taking a wild guess, I tap the green phone button and tap haphazardly at the top of the screen. Luc’s name appears and I fall back onto the sofa. I drop the phone on my face and scramble to pick it up.

  “Hello, hello… Luc!” I can hear ringing so wait for the call to connect.

  LUCAS

  The ceiling of my bedroom isn’t interesting. It wasn’t interesting when I came to bed two hours ago. It certainly wasn’t any better after staring at it for so long.

  I shouldn’t have let things get so heated earlier. It was the story of our fucking relationship. Every one of our interactions contained fire. It’s like the fuse was constantly lit between us. We just had to wait for the explosion to kick in. No matter how short the fuse was this evening, I should never have pushed her regarding her wedding. I should have taken what she had to throw at me, wrap her up, fuck, tie her up, and let her scream at me until she was through. Then I should have soothed her broken spirit and made her see that none of the past matters. It’s our future I want to work on. There was no doubt we still had one. Jess was the most strong-willed, bitchy and stubborn woman I’d ever met. She’d opened my eyes to the rut I’d fallen into. There was nothing easy about Jess, but I loved that. She had fire. I loved her.