Surrender to More

by Rachel De Lune

  My phone vibrates on my bedside table, and I reach to see who would be calling at this time.

  “Jess? It’s late.”

  “Hello, Luc. I know it’s reeallly late. It’s eleven or one. My bleary are eyes and can’t see.”

  “Jess, where are you. Is everything alright?” My heart thunders in my chest. She doesn’t sound good.

  “No, no, no. The gin’s fine. The gin’s gone. The gin tells me I need more, but I can’t. This is your fault.”

  Fuck! I tear off the covers and slam the lights on. I squeeze the phone between my shoulder and ear as I grab my jeans and yank them on.

  “Jess, are you at home? You need to keep talking to me. I’m coming to get you.”

  “My knight at night, no. Gin is for forgetting, but I can’t at the moment. You asked me to choose, and I do. I did. You… you’re too much…”

  “Jess? What is it? Jess, answer me. What’s too much? Jess!”

  She’s quiet on the other end of the line.

  “Shit!” I toss the phone on the bed and fight with the rest of my clothes. Once I’m wearing enough to consider myself decent, I race down the stairs, grab my keys and flee the house.

  Luckily, traffic is light at one in the morning. I gun the engines, not caring how reckless my driving was. I needed to get to Jess. I know she liked a drink, but she wasn’t making sense. She was completely hammered.

  I press the peddle deeper into the floor. After minutes that take their own damn sweet time, I finally pull onto Jess’ road. I slam the car into her drive and all but leap from the car.

  I pound on the front door with my fists, hoping it will wake her.

  “Jess! Open up. Come on, Princess… come to the door!” I wait and listen, every fibre of my being praying she staggers to yell at me for charging around here in the middle of the night.

  Nothing.

  “Jess!”

  I raise my leg and slam my foot into her front door. The wood creaks and I brace to repeat, physically breaking her door in. I batter the only barrier that stops me reaching Jess until it finally gives. The lock breaks and splinters of wood crumble under the force. My body is raging with adrenaline as I climb through the door frame and start searching for Jess.

  “Jess, Princess, where are you?” I don’t need to check far.

  Her fragile body is lying eerily still on the sofa. She looks at peace, simply sleeping until I see the trail of vomit from her mouth coating the side of the chair. I turn the light on and fight back my panic at seeing her. Her skin is pale and almost translucent, her hands cold as ice. Her chest isn’t rising, and I check for a pulse. Thankfully, her pulse gives my fingers a little nudge, but it’s far too faint and weak for my liking.

  “Jess, baby, what have you done.” I wipe her mouth and make sure it’s clear before sitting her up. She’s passed out and likely suffering from alcohol poisoning. I need to warm her up and get her to the hospital. I rush upstairs and pull the blanket from her bed and bundle her up. I lift her limp body, keeping the blanket around her and carry her to the car. I can’t wait for the ambulance.

  I ramp up the heat to keep her warm and lay her down across the back seats and belt her in. I reverse the car and speed off towards the Royal United Hospital. I punch the buttons to connect a call to Seb on route.

  “Luc? Everything okay?”

  “Jess passed out. She’s been drinking. I’m taking her to the hospital. Can you swing by her place, though? I broke the door down.”

  “Of course. Do you need anything else?”

  “Not right now.”

  “Okay, I’ll bring Izzy by in the morning.”

  “No, if you don’t mind, can you wait until I let you know how she is?”

  “Is that a wise move, Luc?”

  “You know; I don’t fucking know. But right now, the woman I love is passed out because she tried to drown herself in gin. So, I don’t give a shit about anything except getting her to the hospital and making sure she’s okay.” Silence stretches over the line and all I can hear are the tires eating up the road. I was being a jerk. “Sorry. I’m sorry, Seb. I didn’t mean that.”

  “Just keep us posted alright?”

  “Deal.”

  I end the call before I say something I shouldn’t, but right now, nothing else matters. I needed to get to the hospital and make sure Jess was alright. I couldn’t lose her. I wouldn’t lose her to something as stupid as her drinking. If I needed to show her in a hundred different ways that I’m the one she could trust, that I’m the one she could relax and let in and love, then I would. I wouldn’t lose someone else that I loved.

  She would be fine. I got to her in time. She would be fine.

  The cutting smell of antiseptic is the first thing I’m aware of. It infiltrates my senses and brings me around. A low and steady beeping draws my attention, but I’m not ready to open my eyes.

  My tongue and mouth feel dreadful like I’ve been licking carpet all night. Not a drop of moisture remains. All of my saliva glands have shrivelled up and died.

  I feel utterly broken. Every part of my body is screaming out in discomfort as I start to become more aware of everything around me. My arm is itching, but I don’t have the energy to lift my hand to scratch it. It’s like the energy has drained out of me.

  I remember drinking on the sofa. I definitely wasn’t on my sofa, which means something happened for me to end up in a hospital bed.

  Finally, I get the courage to peel my eyes open. They stick like they’ve been closed for far longer than usual, and the weight of my eyelids rivals a car. They crack open and let a stream of blinding light in. I blink, hoping my eyes will adjust to the change in contrast. The room comes into focus. Or should I say the curtained cubical. I’m in a bed, propped and hooked up to the machine that’s keeping a steady beep in time with my heart. My arm’s itching due to the IV I’m connected to. The blue curtain is the only thing giving me any privacy.

  My head lolls to the side, and I see him. Luc is sitting in a tiny hospital armchair, shoved into the cubical at a jaunty angle. He’s sitting up, awake and silent. Concern edges his features. His brow is furrowed in worry and his eyes look soft rather than stern.

  A well of emotion begins to awaken within me. He’s here. Luc is here, with me.

  My mind searches the crevices of last night to piece together how I got here and why Luc is with me. I was drinking. We had a fight. I wanted to forget how much I loved him. I wanted bury the knowledge that I would never be the woman he really wanted—or the woman he deserved. The pain strikes up, strangling my heart as I revisit what happened.

  I wiggle up in bed, trying to sit up but the physical aches are enough to stop me in my tracks, and I can’t help wincing.

  “Do you need anything? You’ve had a rough night, but it’s really good to see you awake.”

  “Water? Can you get me some water?” My lips feel like they’ve been left outside to bake in the sun all day. Luc gets up and reaches behind the bed to hand me a small glass of water which I accept gratefully. I take a sip, the cool liquid quenching my thirst and dry mouth like nothing else could. The relief is instant. Luc takes the cup from me and goes back to sitting in the chair. I know I should ask him, but if I do, the horrendous story of how I got here and what I did is going to come out.

  I’ll have to face whatever I did. Right now, knowing how and why Luc was here, wasn’t enough of an incentive.

  I rest my head back down and close my eyes again. My body feels like it’s been in a train wreck. My throat is sore, my chest and stomach are tender. After the alcohol I had planned on consuming, I’d expected my head to be in a much worse state.

  “What… happened?” I ask, my voice sounding raw more husky than usual. It was time to face the truth.

  “You had been drinking. It was about one in the morning when you called me. You sounded drunk, so I came around to your house to check on you.” Luc’s voice is calm and methodical, but the memories they stir contrast vividly. Luc was
going to be married, he knew about Daniel. We fought. I close my eyes and I see the fragments from last night.

  “You had passed out when I arrived. You’d thrown up and were suffering from alcohol poisoning.”

  I wanted to take everything away. The hurt, the humiliation. I wanted to stop what was going to happen next. My head fills with visions that turn my stomach and make my hands clammy. My eyes are closed, but I can’t contain the tears that begin to leak through my lids and slide down my cheek.

  I did this to myself.

  “I brought you to the hospital. They had to pump your stomach to make sure the alcohol was out of your system. You’re on a drip to rehydrate you.” My hand reaches to cover my eyes as the tears grow in strength and completely swamp my attempt to hold them back. My body quivers as the seriousness of why I’m lying here seeps in. I’d almost killed myself. It’s too much.

  “Hey, hey, it’s alright. You’re fine. No permanent damage.” Luc grasps my free hand and sets about stroking the hair from my face, trying to soothe me.

  “Why are you here? I was awful to you when all you were trying to get me to do was be honest about us.” I snivel.

  He’s here. Out of the few people I have in my life, it’s Luc that came to my rescue, stayed with me, and offers me the comfort I’m now desperate for. I feel like the damn has finally broken. He’s been coaxing my heart back to life. Filling me with trust, happiness and love—everything I need to feel whole again—and suddenly, lying here, I don’t want to hold it all in. I can’t do this any longer. I can’t fight my past and my fear. I need to let it go.

  “Because I want to make sure you’re okay, Princess. You gave me quite a scare.”

  “Really?” I open my eyes and stare up at his beautiful green ones.

  “Really. I don’t think there are many occasions where I’ve been that terrified. Seeing you unconscious isn’t something I want to repeat.”

  “I’m sorry. You were never meant to… I didn’t expect you to be there for me.” My words come out garbled as my throat closes around each word, pushing past the ball of emotion lodged there.

  “I know. I’m starting to figure that out. You need to figure some things out for yourself, though.”

  “But you are? Here for me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Jess! Jess, what on earth. Thank goodness. I was so worried.” Izzy peels back the curtain and launches toward me. I hastily brush the tears away and right myself to greet my friend.

  “I couldn’t keep her away, I’m sorry.” Seb nods to Luc, entering after his wife.

  “How about we give you girls some time. I’m not going anywhere though, Jess. Okay?” Luc says.

  “Okay.” I offer a weak smile as Luc leaves with Seb. Izzy perches on the bed and grabs my hands.

  “Are you alright? I had to force Seb to tell me what was going on. Jess, what on earth were you thinking.” I take a moment to answer her, the tears still taking their own sweet time to stop.

  “Izzy, please. I feel like shit, I don’t...”

  “No. You listen to me. You were there for me and pulled me out of my funk. I’m sorry I didn’t realise sooner that you were in trouble, but you need to tell me what’s going on.”

  I turn my head away from her, embarrassed I haven’t had the courage to talk to her about my feelings. She would understand. She’s my friend. It’s just so… alien for me to do the emotional stuff.

  “I love him.” My voice cracks on the admission, but I breathe in and hold the tears back. “I really do.”

  “That’s great, honey. Why do you sound sad though?”

  “Because I’ve let myself self-destruct over my stupid feelings. I’m terrified he’ll leave or cheat or finally give up on me. Then I’ll be left with nothing but a shattered heart because it won’t just be broken this time. I can’t… I can’t do that again, Izzy. I’m not strong enough.” My hysteria rises as I say the words that hold all of my fear.

  “Oh, hush.” She brings my hand up between hers and clasps it to her chest. “You are over-reacting. What has Luc said to make you believe that? Have you even told him how you feel?”

  “No.”

  “So tell him!” Her easy solution makes me cross instead of feeling reassured.

  “Oh, like it was so easy for you.”

  “I know. But I’ve been there. Trust me. It will be better when things are out in the open between you. That was part of the problem with me and Seb. Do you really love him? You know, with everything about him?”

  “Yes, but what do you mean everything about him?”

  “You know, the dominant stuff. It’s a big part of who Luc is. It isn’t for you.”

  “But I enjoy it. He makes everything seem so simple and easy when we’re together. It’s when I engage my brain that the problems start. I love submitting to him. It sort of fills me in a way that I didn’t realise was possible.”

  Izzy smiles at me as if she understands exactly what I’m talking about. “Don’t you think it’s time to stop listening to your head and focus on your heart? What does that say?”

  “To trust my own feelings. And Luc.” My tears track down my face as I admit what I need to do.

  “Oh, sweetie. He’s the first guy even to get close to you. That means something. You haven’t been waiting all this time to get burned again. Go for it.”

  “But he was going to be married.”

  “So? So were you.”

  “She died. How can you get over that? Everyone left me. I wasn’t good enough to for them, and Luc is so much more. How can I compete with a ghost?”

  “Who said you’d need to compete? You need to talk to Luc and trust him.”

  I nod at her and attempt to sniff my tears away. She goes to retrieve a box of tissues from the side, and I wipe my face clear of snot and salt.

  Luc and Seb appear at the curtain as I finally get my face dry. I look at Luc and have an overpowering urge to surround myself with him. My eyes flash to Seb and he has a small smile on his face.

  “Ready to go sweetheart?” Seb looks to Izzy, who for a moment looks torn. I smile and nod to her, telling her that I’ve got this covered.

  “Okay. Jess, let me know when you’re home. We need to talk some more.” She looks slightly cross, and she waves her hand around to indicate the whole hospital situation. I mouth ‘sorry’ to her and hope that will suffice. It wasn’t like I wanted to end up here.

  After they leave, Luc takes his seat back in the chair. He looks a little rough around the edges.

  “What time is it?”

  “A little after two in the afternoon.”

  “Shouldn’t you be at work.”

  “No. I’m right where I need to be.” His words set the waterworks back into action, and I can’t hold them in. A torrent of tears isn’t enough to stop my mouth taking over.

  “I can’t take losing someone else I love, Luc. I can’t, I won’t survive.” I gush the words, desperate to make him understand how terrified and fragile I feel. How much I love him.

  “I know, Princess. But you don’t have to worry about that. I’m here. I’ll always be here for you.” He grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly to him.

  “You don’t know what you’re saying.” The tears stream and my breathing falters as I try and get some control of myself. Luc didn’t know what he was saying.

  “Yes I do. I love you.”

  “No, you’re just saying that. You were going to be married. She was taken from you. That’s who you love.”

  “Okay. Budge up. If we’re going to have this conversation here, then I need you in my arms.” Luc squashes his body up onto the hospital bed with me and pulls me back against his chest. I bury my head, hiding my tear stained and blotchy face. “I loved Georgie. We were going to spend our lives together. But it wasn’t meant to be. She became sick and died after a short fight with cancer. It was over five years ago. I’ve done my grieving. I’ve spent my time trying to get lost in women. But that wasn’t enough. Just because
I loved her, doesn’t mean there isn’t room for you in my heart. Right now…” He lifts my chin so I’m looking right at him. “There isn’t room for anyone else but you. I’ll confess, I didn’t see it coming, but I’m man enough to admit how I feel for you. I love you. Dearly. You need to know I have no intentions of letting you run. Last night was an exception. I didn’t realise you’d go and drink yourself into a coma. When you’re better, we’re going to talk about the drink thing.”

  “I’m sorry…”

  “Shhh, not now.” I hide my face against his body and let his warmth seep through to my own numb body.

  “I don’t deserve you. I’ll mess up. I’m insecure. I’ll push you away and be horrible to you without even realising it. I’ve been running from the ghosts who broke my heart for so long.” I whisper my worries and hope Luc will understand.

  “And I know I’ve gone a long way already to mending your heart. I know you love me.” He’s not backed down and right now I feel closer to him than ever. There are no secrets between us. No past or future. We’ve finally put it all on the line.

  “I do. I tried not to. I knew it would end in disaster as soon as I met you. I thought if I could pretend my feelings weren’t involved it would be alright. But it wasn’t.” My sobs start a fresh. “I love you. I love you so much, and it’s the scariest thing in the world.”

  “Shh, please, Princess. We can fix this. Together. I’m not going to walk out or leave you. I’ll rule over you in the bedroom and make you long to submit to me during the day. I’ll take you to Solace and show you off—Prove to you how much you’re prepared to do to make me happy. I’ll show you how much I love you. That’s the life I’m going to have with you. Preferably with you living with me. What do you say?”