“Excuse me?” I heard a voice ask behind me. I set down the lens to my camera and turned around. I had to look up to take in the tall beautiful blonde with piercing blue eyes who looked back at me.
“Yes?” I questioned.
“Are you one of the models?” she asked me. She’d had a very strong Southern accent. I flushed and smiled at her. “If you are honey, you’re going to need to get into hair and make-up stat. Like, before Pierre blows a gasket, stat.” I heard the amusement in her voice.
“No, I’m not actually.” I held up my camera to show her I was one of the photographers.
She laughed, clutching her hand to her chest. “Goodness me, I’m so sorry! I’m glad my mistake was at least a flattering one. You’re very beautiful you know.” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably. “Oh! How rude of me.” She stuck her hand out. “Name’s Sammy. Sammy Parker.”
I shook her hand. “Nice to meet you, Sammy. I’m Mackenzie. Mackenzie Tillson.”
“Start in five, people!” Pierre, the lead photographer shouted out.
Sammy and I looked at each other, and bursted into laughter. I took in what she had on for the photo shoot; a black and white vertical striped corset, that had a navy blue flared skirt bottom with feathers all over it. I personally could’ve never, ever pulled it off, but she looked drop dead gorgeous. Her make-up had been a dramatic smokey eye which mirrored the same color as her skirt while her hair was straightened to perfection. I looked past her at the background the studio had set up; spooky willow trees were everywhere in front of a dark back drop. It was very elaborate with an Alice and Wonderland-esque vibe to it. You didn’t see stuff like that every day, so one of my favorite things about work was getting to see something new, edgy, and bold with every opportunity I received.
“It was a pleasure to meet you Mackenzie. Find me after the shoot? We can grab lunch, or dinner; whichever we have time for.” She winked at me and slinked away. I nodded my head in agreement smiling.
AFTER THE SHOOT was over, we decided to break and come back tomorrow so we could decide which photos would work for the magazine spread. It’d been hours of different poses, make up touches, hair style changes, and back drop changes. Quite frankly, we were all exhausted.
I walked around looking for Sammy and found her in the dressing room. “Hey Sammy, ready to get something to eat?” She grabbed her purse looping her arm through mine excitedly chatting away.
“Yes! I’m famished. I’ve invited some of the girls as well. I hope you don’t mind?”
“No, of course not.” No, every day I was surrounded by gorgeous women; all from different backgrounds. I chuckled at the absurdity of my inner thoughts.
WE ENDED UP eating at a little pizza place that was located in the Channelside area. It wasn’t too bad of a drive; maybe twenty minutes or so. I had no clue those wafer thin girls actually ate. They could pack away pizza better than some guys I’d witnessed. In any case, it had been a lot of fun. After exchanging numbers with Sammy, she vowed to call me because we needed to hang out “all the time” according to her. She was an absolute blast to be around. I had a good feeling she and I would get along famously.
“Yo, Mackenzie…” Jax’s hand waves in front of my face. “You’re my GPS, woman, I kind of need directions.” We’re in my car headed out to get this company photo done.
I answer him back sarcastically, “Are you not following the line of cars, smart ass?
He grins at me. “Just keeping you on your toes is all. You okay?”
I glance at him. “Yeah, why?”
“Well, I ask, because what you told me back there in my office is some pretty fucked up shit.” Yes. I confided in Jax. I confided in someone who’s only been around two weeks. Two weeks! Why? I ask myself repeatedly, but can’t seem to come up with an answer. He turns on the blinker to make a right. “And you know, you didn’t have to tell, but you trusted me enough to; so yeah, I’m gonna make sure you’re okay.”
Maybe it’s because he reminds me so much of my brother, who happens to be one of the people I fear telling because of the disappointment I’m afraid will be written all over his face. Jax sneaks a glance at me and makes a goofy face. Laughing, I shake my head at him; thankful that, for whatever reason, he gets I’m done talking about Sammy for now.
WE PULL UP to the park across from the University campus. It’s normally used for “movies in the park” or some other activity. I’ve decided with the two big oak trees spanning a far enough distance from each other, we can fit everyone in the shot. There’s just enough balance between sun and shade hovering around the trees coming into the late morning to get it just right. I step out of the car while Jax comes around to my side. Everyone starts slowly grouping together in the lot assigned for the park. When I reach the crowd, Drew and Kip are talking with each other, meanwhile, Sammy’s buttering up my father.
“Mackenzie honey, where should we be standing?” My father calls out. One of the few drawbacks to my job: Speaking in public, giving direction. With my non found sense of self, I find it a challenge to have so many eyes staring at me, always feeling as if judgment is being passed.
“We can make our way over to the two oak trees over there.” I point east. “And have the lake as the background.” I assume my father sent out a memo as to the color scheme for today since everyone seems to be dressed in white, black or grey. It will actually benefit me this way; I can have the colors separated or intermixed to look almost like a chessboard.
“And where would you like me to be positioned?” Drew whispers into my ear so only I can hear him. Smelling the mint on his breath with his hand grazing my waist causes me to blush. A complete head to toe blush, no less. It’s not like I haven’t heard sexual innuendos before, but his timing seems to always catch me off guard.
I clear my throat. “Where everyone else is at, is fine for now.”
He chuckles softly and walks away.
Everyone’s standing where I’ve instructed awaiting further direction. Since my brother, father, Drew, and Jax are all dressed alike, I have them centered in the middle with the other employees alternating in black and white. I notice Sammy standing off to the side just taking in everything from me snapping pictures, to eyeing the guys I can see she has an interest in. Her being here is distracting to me, but I don’t say anything. Of course I don’t say anything.
Throughout the shoot, I tried different color schemes and positions, and about an hour later I’m confident I have enough photos to tinker around with. Slowly, the crowd disperses to head back to the office. I’m hanging back, waiting on Jax who’s conversing with random people. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Sammy walking towards me. Fantastic. I had been hoping I wouldn’t need to talk with her at all. Some wishes just don’t come true.
“Mackenzie?” I look towards her and see her looking everywhere, but at me.
“Yes, Sammy?”
“I just...I just wanted to see how you were. I know we haven’t spoken in a while and I just...I’m sorry for what happened between us. You were always such a good friend to me. I more than took advantage of that.”
That’s such an understatement. “I’m fine.” Brushing her off, I continue, “I’ll accept your apology, but I won’t forget. Believe me; I won’t forget what a shitty friend you were to me.”
I normally wouldn’t be so harsh or bold to anyone because it’s just not me. If it were me at some time, it’s a time I can’t seem to recall. She looks at me; she’s not stunned or surprised, moreover, it’s as if she were expecting me to say something of the sort I just had.
“Why are you here anyway?” I ask. “You had to know it wasn’t a good idea.”
I see her eyes start to well up with tears. For a tiny moment I almost feel bad. Almost. I can’t bring myself to feel bad for what she did. Her showing her face after all this time just proves she’s got more nerve than I ever thought she could.
“Get out of my house. Now, Sammy.” I felt as if I wer
e in an alternate reality. My mind and body seemed to be completely separated from each other. How I could form a coherent sentence right then was beyond me, but it was there.
“Mackenzie, please just listen!” She sobbed uncontrollably but I didn’t care. Not in the fucking least. “I-I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Mackenzie, please.” She’d had a hold of my arm trying to get my attention to whatever shit apology she was trying to produce. I couldn’t listen to anything coming from her anymore.
“Let. Go. Of my arm. Now, Sammy. I won’t tell you again. Go.” I pointed to the door from my living room. I’d never heard myself sound so cold; so devoid of emotion. I was barely able to process any of the events that had taken place; her crying wanting me to feel bad for her was just too fucking much.
“Mackenzie, you have to believe me, I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. Promise me you’ll talk to me again and let me explain.”
“Fuck you, Sammy. Fuck you.”
“I came because your father asked me to, Mackenzie. He remembered I did event planning along with the modeling stuff, so of course I came.”
“Hey Macky Mack, you ready to go?” Thank God! Jax couldn’t have come at a better time.
“What have I told you about that name?”
He shrugs, smiling coyly. Suddenly noticing the tension emanating from Sammy and me, he speaks up. “Should I come back in a few minutes?”
“No, it’s okay. We’re done here.” I grab my purse from the ground to start toward my car.
Jax comes jogging up behind me. “Okay, what the fuck was that about?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never see you so...cold towards someone. I guess that would be the right word.”
“You’ve only been around a couple of weeks, Jax,” I snap.
“Hey now, don’t aim your issues with her at me,” he retorts wounded.
Just like him to call me out—I would expect nothing less. I make it to my car and blow out an exasperated breath. “I know, I’m sorry. I just...I don’t know. She makes me crazy! You’re right though, I’m sorry.”
“I’ll take it from here.” Drew walks up grabbing the keys from Jax, who’s standing by the driver’s side. “You can ride back with Kip and whoever the blonde is.”
I turn around to find Kip. We lock eyes—he looks at me, questioningly, while letting Sammy into the passenger seat. “Bro, I can just ride with you two.”
Drew puts a hand on brother’s shoulder. “I’ll take it from here.” It’s like there’s some telepathic understanding in that one simple sentence.
Jax nods his head in agreement. “Alright girl, I’ll see you back at the office.” he smiles at me, and walks in the direction of my brother’s car.
“You ready, Kennie?”
Still in a haze after all that has happened in just one short morning, I turn my attention back to Drew. I nod and settle into the passenger seat.
He starts my car. “Everything okay with you?”
Pretending to pick a piece of lint off of my shirt I respond, “Yeah, I’m fine.” More importantly, why is that question continually being asked to me? He makes a left on a side street. It’s then I notice we aren’t heading back to the office. My nerves start kicking into overdrive.
“You sure? I’m almost positive we’ve had a talk about the use of the word ‘fine’ and the meaning behind it.” He lifts his brow and looks at me from the corner of his eye, “‘Fine’ hasn’t seemed the case practically all morning.” He turns onto the interstate—trees, housing developments, buildings and side streets whip by and I know for certain, we aren’t on our way back.
“Where are we going?” I ask him confused.
He glances at me, turning his attention back to the road. “You’ll see. Your turn, answer my question.”
Sighing inaudibly, I say, “Yes, I’m one hundred percent positive I’m not ‘freaked out, insecure, neurotic or emotional’ right now.”
“Okay good. So, wanna tell me who that chick was that came in with you and your brother?”
I really, really don’t want to talk about Sammy. Maybe if I give him something, it’ll deter him from the twenty question inquisition I feel coming on. “That was Sammy. She’s just an old friend.” There. Simple and to the point.
“Yeah? The two of you didn’t seem very friendly.”
I should’ve known better. I set myself up for this. These brothers may have only been back a short while, but damn are they intuitive. “Just old issues needing to be hashed out, is all.” I decide a swift change in subject is in order.
“Don’t you have to be back at work?”
“Trying to get rid of me already, Sweetheart? It’s one of the perks of being the boss,” he chuckles.
I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “No, nothing like that,” I respond sheepishly. “Just making sure I’m not interfering with your work.”
“You’re not. And for the record, you would never be considered ‘interference’ to me.”
I look out the window and smile. Drew turns up the music and we continue our ride in silence. About ten minutes later, he’s pulled off of the interstate. I look around to see very familiar surroundings. The closer we get, the quicker I realize just exactly where we are. Why we’re here is still in question though. He pulls into the lot and parks the car.
“We’re here.” And by “here” he means the playground I still come to sometimes. But how did he know where it was after all of these years? He came to find me, talk to me, or cheer me up on some occasions sure, but there has been so much built around here. I can't believe he found it.
Stunned, my eyes lock on his. I gasp, “How did you find it? Why are we here?”
“Come on.” He gets out of the car, opens the back door to grab something out of the blazer he tossed there earlier. I exit out of the car as well, and tentatively walk around to him. He straightens up, handing me a pen and a little notepad. I’m beyond confused as to what this is for. Does he want me to hold it? Write something down for him? I just don’t know. He scratches the back of his head seeming…nervous? I can’t imagine what he would have to be nervous about, if I’m seeing things correctly that is.
“Well,” he points to the pen and notepad, “that’s for you. I seem to recall even when things were too personal for you to explain to anyone else, you always seemed comfortable writing them down.” Oh. My. God. “And,” he continues on, “it took me awhile to find this place, but I did. I figured after how ‘fine’ you were all morning, it might be a good day for the swing set.” Is he serious? Is this real life? I swallow the lump forming in my throat, willing myself not to cry. “I mean, I hope this is okay. I know it’s not as quiet, or as empty as it used to be. If you’d like, you can get everything you need to out, and I’ll happily wait either here, or swing silently next to you.” He smiles.
“I don’t know what to say.” I take a step forward to give him a hug—forgetting briefly all about my normal discomfort—overwhelmed with emotion. I’m engulfed in his muscular arms wrapped completely around me. He kisses the top of my head and I feel...safe. Yes, that’s it, safe. As if nothing can hurt me. However, that thought brings real fear of consequences, so I let go of him abruptly. Stepping back, I clear my throat. “This is too much, Drew. I don’t know what to say, other than thank you.”
“Don’t mention it, Sweetheart. Come on, let’s go.” He grabs my hand, leading me past the slides, past the sandbox, past the seesaw and through the sand to the swing set. Upon reaching the swings, there’s a cute little boy with dark brown eyes swinging back and forth. When he sees us walking up, he hops off and runs over to his parents laughing. The age of innocence is such a beautiful thing to witness. To capture it on film is priceless as well. Had I had my camera with me, it would’ve made a great shot for my portfolio.
Drew lets go of my hand taking a seat on the swing, he motions for me to sit next to him. I look at him, forgetting all of my insecurities for a moment. Seeing this gorgeous grown man with pale
green eyes dressed with such sophistication, sitting on an old swing set to cheer me up, has my mind whirling. There really are no words. I take a seat next to him, about to start writing. I glance over at him. He’s staring at me, but grins and quickly looks away, I assume for some privacy. I sigh; where to begin?
Friends. Enemies. Acquaintances.
Are they all one?
Do they bleed into each other?
Seeing your face brings back so many memories of hurt.
Of anger and pain.
Sometimes I prayed to see you again and ask you why?
To ask you what I did to make things so?
To ask you how it was possible for you?
I cried at the thought of seeing you again.
To bring back all of the memories I try to suppress
Bury.
Keep hidden.
At one point in my life, I considered you the sister
I never had,
But always wanted.
The person I could count on for anything.
To make me laugh when I was down.
To cry with me at arguments had with loved ones.
To listen to me when I just needed to get things out
To hold my hand when I felt alone.
Friends. Enemies. Acquaintances.
Are they all one? Do they bleed into each other?
Sometimes I prayed to see you again
To bring back the good memories we once had.
The staying up ‘til 4 am listening to music,
Drinking wine.
The finishing of each other’s sentences
The bouts of laughter at our many inside jokes.
I have taken blame for my part in the failure
Of those around me;
Those who love me.
What I can’t find in me, is to take blame for our demise.
For the friendship that is longer here
Because of the secrets
Ending a Broken Journey Page 11