“Earth to Drew.” Jax waved his hand in front of my face. I removed the headphones from my ears and turned to face him.
“Yeah?”
We were on a flight back to Virginia after we’d spent the holidays with the Tillson’s for the second year in a row.
“You’ve been out of it since we left earlier. Does it have anything to do with last night?” My brother’s eyebrows raised in question and sly smirk played across his face.
“About you having the worst fucking timing…ever?”
“Do I now? According to Mackenzie, I wasn’t interrupting shit,” he joked.
“Something could’ve happened.”
“And then what? You say goodbye, hop on a plane and go back to your girlfriend?” Fuck me. I hadn’t even thought of Vicki the whole time I’d visited. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
I hated when he was right, but, come on. There was something there. I felt it. How she hesitated to touch me, said something much different from the look she had in her eyes. Why couldn’t I have just moved that one extra inch?
“Whatever.” My tone turned sour.
“You shouldn’t do that to her anyway.”
“Do what to her?”
“String her along.” I felt my eyes turn glacial. “Now calm the hell down and hear me out. You have a moment with her then what? You forget we live in a different state, you’re in your second year of college, and most importantly you have a girlfriend. I can understand wanting her, because shit, I’m not blind, but it wouldn’t be fair and you know it… Oh, and don’t forget about the overprotective cave brother by the name of Kip, too.”
He was right, again. I had a life back home but it didn’t deter me from the feelings that started to develop for her with just that one touch. Our parents were a few rows up, so luckily they couldn’t hear what we’d been talking about.
“You sure you’re sixteen?” I eyed him questioningly with a brow raised. “You’re talking like an old man who’s ready to settle down.”
He shoved my shoulder. “Are you kidding? I’m in my prime. No way in hell am I ready for that. But Mackenzie’s different. She’s like a sister to me so, yeah, I take her feelings into account.”
He was right. I couldn’t do that to her. Maybe it was a good thing nothing ever happened. Maybe it worked out for the best. Or maybe I missed out on something that could be amazing. Fuck. What I did know was something shifted inside of me and she was on constant replay in my mind. I wanted to see her happy, I wanted her to be safe, I wanted her to be at peace. What I realized was I started to want for her to be all of those things with me. What I also realized? I was stuck in a position where I couldn’t do shit about it either.
“Good morning, Sweetheart.” I lightly pinch Kennie’s nose when she stretches.
“Mmm. Good morning.” Her gaze rises to mine. “What time is it?”
I shift to turn and read the time on my alarm clock. “Nine o’clock, got any plans for today?” My mouth lifts up at the corner.
“Nine?” Sitting straight up, she eyes me frantically. “Don’t you have to be at work?”
A grin turns into full out laughter. “It’s Saturday,” I tell her once I calm down.
Her cheeks redden a little. “Oh. Silly me.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
“So, about your plans for today?”
“I don’t have anything pressing, I don’t think…” she trails off.
“Good, because what I have in mind requires a lot of being lazy. How about we just lay here, watch movies and forget the outside world? No phones, no internet, just us.”
“I like that plan,” she answers, lying back down. She pulls the covers up a little more to cover herself. I tug it so it moves a little lower causing her to giggle.
“Alright, let me see what I can find us for breakfast.” Kissing her forehead, I hop off my bed and pull on my boxers. I reach into my nightstand and put on my glasses.
“You wear glasses? Since when?” I turn to look at her. She’s all snuggled up on my bed with her hair strewn all over the pillows leaning on one arm; sexy—definitely fucking sexy.
Scratching the back of my head, I say, “Yeah, I don’t wear them all of the time. Mostly, just for reading and sometimes first thing in the morning when I haven’t had my coffee.”
“Come here for a sec.” She finds my shirt on the edge of the bed and slips it on. I edge closer to the bed while she rises with her knees pressed into my mattress. She’s so little, her face meets me mid chest. She grabs the glasses from my face and puts them on. “How do I look?” She cocks her head to the side and models them for me.
“So. Incredibly. Hot.” I bend down and plant my lips on hers. She moans into my mouth. “Ready again? Let me at least feed you first,” I joke.
She giggles, “Yes, we need to eat first. And, I’m all about having a lazy day.” She hands me back my glasses. “Get to work and feed me.”
LIFE HAS BEEN a constant high for me these past few weeks. Thanksgiving just passed not too long ago…Christmas will be in a week…everything has been going, well, perfect; The Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ house, Mr. and Mrs. Dean coming back down for a quick visit, and then, Cass and Ade showing up after being at their families homes. My mom, always the hostess, making sure everything was cooked and baked to perfection. It was like one big happy extended family. I hope to have the same atmosphere for Christmas as well.
Drew and I have been spending more time together, just us as well, either going out or lounging around. We talk—a lot. I’ve found out quite a bit about his life back in Virginia; problems Jax had for a while, which he told me I would need to talk to Jax about anything else I wanted to know—Drew says it’s not his story to tell. I found out why his car is so special to him; his reasoning completely warmed my heart.
I told him about life here; how it kind of remained the same. I told him about the good and bad times Cass, Ade and I had the last few years; about Kip and his endless stream of girls until recently. I talked about Wes, but didn’t go into full detail about the series of events. We have a date set for tonight, however, and I think I’m ready to tell him everything about the day my world crumbled around me.
IT’S ALMOST TIME for me to go over to Drew’s, so I’m just cleaning up everything before I head over. Tonight is casual; he’s kept it mixed up with really fancy, to simple, easy dates, and I appreciate it so much. The physical aspect of our…relationship…has had some wonderful surprises too. He’s brilliant at finding what makes me tick. I, in turn, am learning to be proud of my body—curves and all. I find I enjoy the fun explorations of what makes Drew tick as well. I’m much more free and comfortable to be myself. Realizing how unhealthy being with Wes was, to how unhealthy my thoughts were, are so dramatically different to what I am today—in the now. I like the new me; I like who I’m blossoming into.
STANDING IN FRONT of his door, I raise my hand to knock; it opens before I get the chance.
“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” I raise my head to see arms with vibrant colored tattoos crossing over a chest, to reveal a smirking Jax. He cocks his head to the side. “Didn’t get enough of me this morning? Come back for seconds, did ya? Listen, if you wanted to see me again baby, all you had to do was ask.”
“I do so forget how unwittingly charming you can be at times.” I roll my eyes sarcastically. “Is your brother here?”
“That depends.”
“Fine, I’ll play. Depends on what?”
He leans against the doorframe and inspects the tattoos across his knuckles. “On how much more you want to see Drew than me.”
“Seriously? Jax, where’s my boyfriend?”
He stops inspecting his knuckles and peers down at me through his lashes. “Ha! I knew it. How long was it going to be before you admitted that shit?” Laughing, he steps aside. “Your boyfriend is in the kitchen, you two kids behave.” I shove his shoulder as I walk by. He feigns being wounded, grabs his wallet, and leaves
closing the door behind him.
Technically, Drew and I haven’t discussed the status of us, but it kind of slipped. I can’t help some of the things that leave my mouth on occasion. Now, I’m sort of hoping Drew didn’t overhear because it’s kind of embarrassing since we haven’t talked about it.
“Drew?” He peers at me over the fridge door and smiles.
“Hey.” He holds up two wine glasses. “There’s my girlfriend…”
Shit. He did hear. “About that, I’m sorry it just kind of slipped—”
He sets the glasses down, walks over to me and presses his mouth to mine effectively cutting my speech off. My body’s response automatically has me pressing into him and lifting my hands to wrap around his neck. He breaks away letting us both catch our breath.
“What are you sorry for? You are, in fact, my girlfriend.” Swinging his arm around me he grabs the glasses from the counter and walks me outside to his patio. It’s set up like a little bistro. A tray of various cheeses and meats sits atop a red and white checkered table cloth. A bottle of red wine is next to the tray. On his patio, are little twinkling lights hanging from above to make it just light enough to be romantic on a cool winter evening. He sets the glasses down once more and wraps his arms around me from behind. “So what do you think?”
“I think it’s beautiful.” I lean my head back on his chest, “I’ve come to realize that Andrew Trey Dean doesn’t know the meaning of simple.” His chest vibrates against my back with laughter.
He pours me a glass of wine, we both take a seat. “So what’ll it be tonight? What topic of conversation should we discuss at length?”
I take a quick sip and set my glass of wine down carefully. I lean back and gaze at the stars and twinkling porch lights. We’ve only been on a handful of actual dates, but I feel more connected to him than I ever have to anyone in my life. I find when it comes to him, I’m at total ease. He never makes me feel like I’m being judged. I’m not embarrassed to say or do anything around him, which is saying a lot for me. I walked on eggshells for so long, I didn’t know if whatever I said next would set off a trigger to an argument. Knowing a relationship is unhealthy, and pretending you have a handle on it, is a situation I never want to find myself in again.
Yes. I’m ready to let him in.
“Something on your mind?” Drew sets his wine glass down and peers at me with a faint smile on his face.
I sigh. “Just thinking about some things.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
Still leaning back, I blurt out, “Well it’s our sixth date…”
He leans back in his chair, realization dawning across his face. “Are you ready for the sixth date talk now?”
Studying his face, I see how genuine he is. He gets me. I don’t have to beat around the bush. He always makes an effort to be interested in anything I want to tell him. Sometimes, I figure it could be due to the newness of us, but we’re not new. We’re…found, again, in the oddest way imaginable, we found each other. Inhaling deeply, I lay it out. “Yes, I’m ready for that talk now.”
He interlaces his fingers on top of his chest, and looks up at the stars just like he did on our very first official date. “I’m all ears whenever you’re ready, Kennie.”
“Mackenzie, you sure you’re doing okay?” Sammy asked me as we walked out of the mall and headed toward my car.
“Yeah,” I responded distracted. “Just have some stuff floating around here.” I pointed with my free hand to my head.
“Like what, honey?” I’m not sure if it happened to be the southern accent that made her words always seem genuine, but she turned out to be a great friend. Who knew a chance meeting at a photo shoot would’ve turned us into the friends we’d been? I confided in Sammy about everything—from my constant arguments with Wes, to our very nonexistent sex life. It took a lot, especially for me, to come out and let her know what was going on. I’d been stuck in my own introverted hole not wanting to let anyone in on the consistent pain and insecurity I’d been dealing with. But somehow, Sammy always broke me. She had a way of reading me and getting me to confide in her. She would listen—always listened—and then kept up her assurance of everything working out the way it needed to.
“Stuff about Wes. What else is new, right?”
“Well, he is your fiancé, it’s bound to mess with you and your day to day. Its common, sugar, but it’ll all be okay.” She side hugged me.
“I suppose you’re right.” Her phone went off with a text message. She looked at it, and quickly put her phone back in her purse. She clapped her hands together. “So, where are we headed now? Spa? Salon? More shopping?” she asked me excitedly.
“Honestly? I’m ready to go home. I’m exhausted. I should be able to get a few hours of rest before I have to deal with Wes again. His moods swings lately are giving me whiplash.” I shook my head and continued, “One minute, he’s the charming guy I fell head over heels for, and the next? He’s a completely different person—angry, agitated. I just don’t understand it.”
Her face fell. “You don’t want to keep shopping?” Her big blue eyes pleaded with mine. She held her bags and a smile crossed over her face.
“You know I normally can’t resist those eyes, but seriously Sammy, I’m ready to call it a day.”
“Well, why don’t we go back to my place and hang out then? Being home will just make you all kinds of depressed.” Her face scrunched up with disdain.
I hated to be a downer, really I did. My car doors unlocked. Before we folded in, I confessed, “I don’t want to come across rude, but there’s something about your sister that throws me off. Ever since she’s been around, I feel like she has a problem with me. And truthfully, I don’t want to deal with her.”
“Nonsense words! Besides, she’s not home anyway.” She said as she locked my doors. I began to drive towards my house.
“Why are you pushing this? If you really want to spend time together, just hang back with me, silly.” I smiled when her phone went off again. Her fingers flew across the touch screen with whoever it was she messaged. I figured she was texting with her boyfriend. They were so adorable.
About twenty minutes later, we arrived back at the apartment I shared with Wes. “I should probably just head home, Mackenzie.”
“I thought you wanted to hang out some more, though?”
“Yeah, of course I do honey, I’m just sleepy as well.” She stretched for dramatic affect.
I grabbed her arm. “Come on, let’s watch some rom coms and veg for a bit.”
I could’ve sworn her face flashed with panic. I brushed it aside, and dragged her in with me. I had set my keys, purse, and the things I purchased on my hallway table. I took off my shoes, and called over my shoulder, “Gonna change into something more comfortable, I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” she’d said barely above a whisper.
I walked into my room and froze.
The loud pounding in my ears was all I could hear. My heart beat thundered. I had to grip the dresser to support my weight to keep me from falling over at the nausea that assaulted me.
I couldn’t form words out loud. I was speechless.
It felt as if someone just punched me in the gut and effectively knocked all of the wind out of me. I couldn’t breathe.
Then, I started to hyperventilate.
Betrayed.
Gutted.
Shattered.
Those are the only words that flooded my mind. They circled around and around at speeds I couldn’t comprehend.
Until—almost instantaneously, my heart literally broke.
Into a million tiny pieces.
It was stomped on, and placed back into my chest as a reminder that I’m still alive—still had a heart—one which barely thumped in my chest. I’d just witnessed the last shred of my hope dissipate into nothing. The sight before me could never be erased from my mind.
It could never be unseen.
The emotions came crashing back all at once.
It caused me to crumble to the ground.
I crumbled completely.
I crumbled into nothing.
My body started to shake until I realized it was earth shattering sobs which escaped from my body. All of my insecurities surfaced into reality right before my very eyes and I would never, ever, forget how unwanted I felt at that exact moment.
Wes looked at me and shock registered across his face. He stopped mid thrust and froze. She hadn’t notice me until Wes stopped pumping into her and scrambled off the bed. He left her naked on my bed. He wrapped himself with the blanket and came running toward me. I held my hand up for him to stop—it felt like a fifty pound weight. I sat there on my knees, as I rocked back and forth, not able to comprehend any gesture I’d made.
“You were supposed to stall her, Sammy!” Jenny squeaked out. Sammy’s little sister. The one person I had just confided to about my feelings of inadequacy. The person who nagged at me until I confessed what was wrong; the person who continually assured me things would be okay, the person who I considered closest to me. Then it registered. She was the same exact person who was supposed to stall me? I turned my eyes to face Sammy with disbelief plastered all across my face. I couldn’t even form words. The one person I counted on, was the one person involved in keeping this from me? I looked at her, she looked at me and tears began to fall rapidly from her eyes. Her body racked with sobs as she repeatedly said, “I’m sorry Mackenzie, I’m so sorry.”
Wes knelt in front of me and moved his hand to my face for me to look at him. I didn’t have the energy to push him away. All I could manage to whisper out was, “Why?”
Ending a Broken Journey Page 23