“Because you clearly weren’t good enough, isn’t it obvious?” Jenny huffed out from my bed.
“Jenny, shut the fuck up!” Wes roared at her. Her eyes went wide in disbelief at his outburst.
I don’t know where I found the strength. Maybe it was Sammy who sobbed behind me. Maybe it was Wes who pretended to be concerned for my feelings at what I’d witnessed. Maybe it was just because of the piece of trash still on my bed—but it all came to a head. “Get the fuck out! All of you! Get out!” I shouted so loud my voice went hoarse.
I didn’t know if Jenny figured this was her out, without me going completely nuts, but she scrambled to grab her clothes.
“Wes! What are you waiting for? Let’s go! Now.” She tugged to get her clothes on.
“Just shut the fuck up and leave, Jenny,” I heard him say to her before she answered with, “Fuck you, I don’t need this bullshit anyway.” Before I could comprehend anything further, I heard the door slam.
Wes, who had put on a pair of pants, knelt before me.
“Mackenzie baby, listen to me.” His voice was faint in my ears. I felt him grab my arms to help me stand. The pounding in my ears was still there so everything he said to me sounded muffled. I raised my eyes to look at him. I was disgusted with myself, and what I’d become, but I was more disgusted with him. As he held me up, apologizing over and over again, he tried to wipe the tears that still flowed freely. My eyes bored into his and I saw tears coming from him too.
“Mackenzie, you have to believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you. I really never meant for any of this to happen. I was unhappy and…” he trailed off.
Something inside me snapped and I shoved him off of me.
“No. You’re not sorry.” I shoved him again.
“You’re not sorry for every time you made me cry.”
I shoved him back again and choked on a sob.
“You’re not sorry for every time you made me feel weak or not good enough. You’re not sorry for every time I cried myself to sleep wondering what it was I was doing wrong in this relationship.”
I shoved him back again.
“You’re not sorry for any of it, Wes.” I finished, angrily, as I choked back the last of my words to him. He was pushed up against the wall.
“Mackenzie, please just listen—”
“Listen to what exactly Wes?! More lies to come out of your mouth? More ways to make me feel weak? More ways to keep me around with more insecurity to build up?” I shouted in his face. Before I knew what I had done there was a loud smack. My hand had come across his face. On impact it stung, which caused me to wince. His face registered shock.
I got closer. “Never again, Wes. You will never make me feel worthless again. Now. Get the fuck out of my house.”
Without another word, he grabbed his shirt and threw it over his head. For the second time that day, I heard my door slam. I leaned my forehead against the wall. All of the fight left me, and the realization of everything hit me again—harder. I cried so hard I started to cough. I coughed so hard I started to choke. I ran to the bathroom and emptied out nothing. I dry heaved over and over again. Willing anything to come up and help me focus on something less painful. No matter how hard I wished for it, it never came. I got up off my knees and turned on my sink and light switch. I looked at myself, and only one emotion registered at my reflection—hate. I couldn’t stand the sight of what I saw so I shut off my light. When I turned around, there was Sammy. I looked at her as she continued to sob. This woman, whom I called my best friend, was the same woman who betrayed me in a way I never thought imaginable.
“Get out of my house. Now Sammy.” I felt as if I were in an alternate reality. My mind and body seemed to be completely separated from each other. How I didn’t attack her too, was completely beyond me. I was drained physically, emotionally and mentally. All I wanted was for this trash to get out of my sight.
“Mackenzie, please just listen!” she sobbed, and sobbed, but I didn’t care. Not in the fucking least. “I-I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Mackenzie, please.” She took a hold of my arm trying to get my attention to whatever shit apology she wanted to produce. I couldn’t listen to it anymore.
“Let. Go. Of my arm. Sammy. I won’t tell you again. Now go.” I pointed to the door from my bathroom. I’d never heard myself sound so cold; so devoid of emotion, so detached. I was barely able to process any of the events that took place. She cried wanting me to feel bad for her and it had been just too fucking much.
“You have to believe me, I’m so sorry I never meant to hurt you. Promise me you’ll talk to me again and let me explain.”
“Fuck you Sammy, fuck you.”
Drew is bent down in front of me, holding my hand. I didn’t notice I started crying right in front of him as I told him one of the worst moments of my life to date.
“Shh, Sweetheart, shh I’m here, I’m right here.” He stands and pulls me to stand with him. Before I know it, he sits in my chair and cradles me on his lap. He continues to rub my back and smooth down my hair. I let the heartache take over and accept defeat. I bury my face into his neck and let all of the tears I’ve held in, fall. All of the tears I thought made me weak, the tears I didn’t know how to let go of. The hatred for me is gone, but the dull ache is still there. I realize I needed this, I needed to tell Drew. I had to get this off of my chest.
Once my tears subside and I’m no longer hiccupping, I drink some more wine. I wipe a lone tear that escapes and laugh, “I’m so sorry, that was embarrassing.”
His eyes go wide. “Are you kidding me? Don’t ever apologize for sharing something so personal with me. I know that took a lot of courage and I’m honored you felt comfortable enough to tell me.”
It was more than just telling him, though. I really want him to understand how broken I was. How until just recently I stopped actually hating who I was.
“The thing is Drew, a couple of months ago I was in a self-loathing state. I’m not sure how my relationship with Wes became what it was, but he was never openly forceful about the things he said or did. It was always a snide comment here, or a look of disappoint there. Over time, it becomes a part of you and what you see when you look at yourself.” I inhale a shaky breath. “Sometimes, I feel it’s a permanent scar I’ll forever have to live with, a doubt I’ll always have to carry no matter how much I’ve grown into my own.”
I face Drew. He stares into my eyes and says nothing. He just sits there looking at me; his eyes are so magnetic, I can’t break away. “Has anyone ever told you how brave you actually are?”
I look at him in confusion. “I’ve been a lot of things, but that isn’t a word I would use. Coward may be more accurate. Hiding into myself and not letting people in hardly constitutes bravery.”
“Coward? I don’t think so.” My expression challenges him to go on. “Seriously, hear me out.” He takes my hand in his—his eyes piercing through me. “One. You didn’t tell anyone what happened, you dealt with it alone. Two. Although you may not have been able to see your worth, you still kept going; day by day, even if you didn’t think you could.” He lifts my hand to kiss it. “And three. You were able to come back from all of the emotional turmoil and be a better person for it.”
I truly had no idea he sees these things in me, at all. I kind of thought maybe one of them for myself but never really put too much stock into it. Fresh tears begin to fall.
“Hey now, no more tears.” He takes his finger and wipes the ones streaming down. I look at him through blurry vision. His deep voice resonates, “Kennie, I want to make you feel wanted. For all of the times you doubted yourself, what you were capable of, how beautiful you are inside and out. Mainly, I want these things for you because you deserve to feel all of it from someone who knows exactly what he’s got.”
The sincerity in his eyes tells me so much. I know it’s only a matter of time before the words “I love you” will be said. It’s screaming in my head now. It’s too soon; I know it’s too soon.
I don’t know any woman who wouldn’t be falling for Drew Dean—and falling extremely hard—with the kind of man he’s proven to be in the past couple of months.
“I don’t know what to say to that. I’m speechless.” Raising my hand to his face, I push a stray hair back from over his eyes.
“There’s no need to say anything, Sweetheart. I’m just telling you what I see to be true.” He shifts me a little in his lap, “Can I ask you something?”
I let my hand trail down his face, “Sure.”
“If you knew deep down he was no good for you, why’d you stay? I’ve always been curious as to why good women stay with shitty men.”
This question catches me off guard a little, so I clear my throat and try to sum up my thoughts, “You know when you first start dating someone, how great it is? The getting to know each other phase, always being giddy, the butterflies every time you see that person?”
He chuckles a little, “Well ‘giddy’ and ‘butterflies’ aren’t exactly manly descriptions for the beginning stages of dating, but, for arguments sake, sure, I completely understand.”
My head shakes at him and I playfully shove his shoulder, “Anyway,” I emphasize, but become serious again. Looking up at the sky, I continue, “That stage between us lasted for so long, it was like a fairy tale. When things started to fall apart, I diluted myself into thinking it was just a temporary bump in the road. I kept holding on to that one last shred of hope—the tiny morsel that makes you think it’s just a phase and it will work out. For months upon months I held onto that hope. When you love someone, really love someone, you’re willing to make all of the excuses in the world to defend them or their behavior. I guess I thought one day he would come back to me, be the person he was when I met him.”
He pulls me into his arms and strokes my hair, “Sweetheart, trust me when I say, I understand more than you know.”
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. Kennie’s just poured out her heart and soul, revealing to me, the one life changing event that left her a broken mess. Now’s a good a time as any to let her in on what I’ve been hiding. Clearing my throat, I decide to go in for the kill, knowing what I tell her will potentially ruin everything between us, and how she views me.
I told myself over and over that I wouldn’t let it get this far. She would know before my feelings became too far-gone for her—before her feelings became too far-gone for me. I know falling in love with the wonder that is Kennie will happen. It will happen fast, and I will fall harder than I ever thought a person could. Her thumb is rubbing the stubble on my cheek as she continues to sit on my lap. She presses her lips to mine.
I take a deep breath, “Kennie—”
“Drew,” she says at the same time, “you have no idea how good it feels to finally tell you about what happened. I wasn’t sure I had it in me.” The left corner of her mouth lifts up faintly and I see it. As much as she’s trying to become the woman she needs to be, that night still haunts her. However, now, she isn’t letting it take over her life. The pain at recalling it all in detail, though, has put her on display.
“You were going to say something?” She looks at me questioningly.
I chicken the fuck out—again. I just can’t put her through any more pain tonight. That’s the sorry ass excuse I give myself for keeping her in the dark yet again.
“Yes, so about being my girlfriend…” A grin plays across my face when I see her duck her head so the hair falls to cover the redness splayed showing her embarrassment. She giggles and it’s such a cute sound. “Because you know, it was already in my head that you were. I guess I should’ve made it official and asked you.” She scoots to be more comfortable on my lap. “Kennie, I know we still have a lot to learn about each other, but there’s no one I want to learn more about. No one I want to see smile, or happier. No one, Kennie, but you. Will you make us official?”
My heartbeat’s racing because I’m nervous. Really? Why would I be fucking nervous? I’ve always felt self-assured around her. It could be a number of things, but I never needed to worry. She presses her lips to mine softly. When she pulls back, she whispers against my lips, “Yes. Absolutely yes.”
I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her tight. Scooping her up. “You ready for bed?” I give her a suggestive smile. She nods her head. “To sleep…?”
“Sure, to sleep.” Her laugh tells me she understands sleeping is the furthest thing from my mind. I scoop her up, blow out the candles, and carry her to my room.
I lay her down on my bed and start to unbutton my shirt. She stares at me with a Cheshire cat smile. Leaning over to my nightstand, and grabbing my reading glasses, she holds them up. “Will you wear these tonight? You look so sexy in them.”
“Sexy, huh?” I raise a brow.
“Mhm, very much so.”
“Well then, hand them over.”
Kennie lifts her hand so I can grab them. I put them on my face and look at her in question. “How about now?”
She stretches and rolls over to her stomach. “Perfect,” she sighs.
“You really are,” My wonderment’s barely audible above a whisper. I can’t believe this beautiful, once broken girl has given me a chance.
She rises onto her knees at the edge of the bed and puts her arms around me. “What are you waiting for Mr. Dean? I’m a willing participant in what’s about to happen, so come on, take advantage.”
My chest rumbles from laughter. I crush my mouth to hers. “This side of you is such a turn on, you know that right?”
“You bring it out in me.” Her tone is matter of fact.
“Sweetheart, I’m going to bring a lot more than that out of you.”
She squeals when I flip her back on the bed, hover over her while her eyes turn dark with hunger, and continue to have my way with her for the rest of the night.
CHRISTMAS DAY. MY parents are in town at the Tillson’s right now waiting for Jax, Kennie, and I to show. Kennie and I will be doing our own Christmas gift exchange later, but spending time with our family’s first.
“You ready to go?” Jax leans in my doorway as I slip on my navy blue sweater.
“Yeah let’s go grab Kennie and head out.”
We walk from my bedroom to the front door and I hear Jax chuckle. “What’s so funny?” I ask.
“You. You look like an Abercrombie and douche model.”
“I sense a bit of jealousy in your tone,” I call over my shoulder.
“Clearly your spidey senses are off. Jealousy is definitely not what I’m feeling.”
“No? Better to look like a preppy model than a biker off to a bar for one last hoorah.”
“Don’t hate on my jacket. Comfort—it’s all about the comfort.”
Shaking my head, he walks by me, and I lock the door. He struts over to Kennie’s and knocks on the door. I hear him fawning over her when she opens the door.
“Mackenzie, you look fucking amazing.” Not that I ever think she looks anything less, I smile to myself because she’s mine. Walking down the few doors, she steps out to lock her door, and Jax has hit the nail on the head. My girl, does in fact, look fucking amazing.
She’s got on a floor length cream colored dress with no sleeves on. It has openings on the sides to be just sexy enough. She moves to put her jacket on when Jax steps into help her.
“That’s quite alright brother, this Abercrombie and douche model’s got it.”
He steps back putting his hands in the air. She turns around and looks at us both questioningly. “Don’t ask, just Jax being his usual charming self.”
“All day every day, you guys. All day every day.”
“You two never quit do you?” She smiles at the both of us. “By the way, I think you both look very handsome.”
“Beautiful isn’t a good enough word to describe how you look.” I lean down and peck her on the lips. She takes the liberty of wiping off whatever it was on her lips that transferred over. She understands.
PARKING MY CAR in the Tillson’s driveway, I he
lp Kennie out of the car. The three of us walk up to the door in the semi chilly weather. Christmas lights are everywhere. Their house looks like it came straight out of a Hallmark card. Since it looks as if it’s going to storm, we rush to get inside.
“Hey kids,” Elijah greets us from the entryway.
“Elijah.” Jax and I nod and shake his hand.
“Hey Daddy.” Kennie reaches up to give him a kiss.
“Come, come. We’re all waiting to eat in the dining room.”
“Great, I’m starved,” Jax states as we follow behind Elijah. “Have no fear! Your awesomeness is here.” My brother—there’s no one else like him in this world. Kip puts him in a headlock and messes up his hair. I look over at Kennie and see her laughing at him. Damn, she’s got such a great laugh. This is going to be the best Christmas to date, I’m sure of it.
“Merry Christmas, Kennie.”
“Merry Christmas, Drew.”
I came over with Jax after having done the Christmas thing that morning with my parents. We had presents from my parents for the whole Tillson family to be brought over here while they relaxed back at the hotel. They would be coming over in the evening for dinner, though. It was our second year back after moving and not much had changed.
Kennie’s Christmas, based on her giddiness, was going well. Her parents got her a camera, which she seemed to really love. I handed her the gift I got her. I wasn’t sure she needed or even wanted it, but when she opened it, I knew I did well.
“Oh my God,” she breathed out. “Drew, this is beautiful.” She pulled out the blue leather bound journal accompanied with a pen and hugged it. “I love it. So much.”
“Mom! Dad! Look at what Drew got me!” she called to the other side of the room.
“It’s beautiful darling. Andrew honey, that was such a sweet thought,” Jamie called back to me.
I rubbed the back of my neck and smiled. “Don’t mention it.”
Ending a Broken Journey Page 24