Sunsets and Shades

by Erica Lee

  “So, why did you come here Becky?” Grace asked, her voice soft, yet stern.

  “I ran into your mom the other day. She was with your niece, who told me how much she misses you by the way, and asked when you and I could take her to the park again. Anyway, your mom told me that you applied for a subbing position around here. I knew you gave up your position at our elementary school, and I’ve been beating myself up over that, but it hurts me even more to know that you are just going to be a substitute teacher now. You love having your own classroom and your own kids, but I do have some good news. I happen to know that a second grade teaching position is opening up for the spring back home. I’m sure if you told them you were interested, they wouldn’t even accept applicants. You were stuck in kindergarten for so long, and your chance has finally come.”

  I tried my best to process everything she had just said. I had so many questions. Since when had Grace applied to be a substitute in this area? Why hadn’t she shared that with me? I was also shocked to learn that Grace had a niece, but it hit me that there was a lot that I didn’t know about Grace. I didn’t know much of anything about her family. I definitely didn’t know that she dreamed of being a second grade teacher. Damn.

  My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Grace’s voice. “You drove all the way here to tell me that? You could have just called.”

  “That’s not the only reason I’m here,” Becky admitted. She took a few steps closer to Grace. “I came to say that I’m sorry.” More steps. “And I made a huge mistake.” More steps. “I should have never cheated on you.” At this point, Becky was practically toe to toe with Grace. She reached out for her hand, but Grace quickly pulled it away. “Grace, I miss you. I miss us. I miss hearing about your day and eating dinner together. I miss spending time with your family. I miss touching you and feeling you close to me. I miss the way you used to hold me after we made love.”

  OK. I couldn’t listen to this anymore. I cleared my throat, feeling like I couldn’t breathe, and everyone in the room turned to look at me. “I think this is a talk that you two should be having privately.” I turned toward Leah. “We should go.” Before walking away, I reached out and squeezed Grace’s hand. “I’ll just be right in my room if you need me, OK?” She nodded slightly, looking completely shaken up, and all I wanted to do was lean in and kiss her. But now wasn’t the time and I was starting to wonder if my time had run out.

  Leah followed me down the hall and into my room, closing the door behind her. “Well, this is insane, isn’t it?”

  I didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t even fully process what was going on. “Do you think I could just be alone?” I asked, angry at myself for how pathetic I sounded.

  Leah nodded and turned to leave the room. Once she was at the door, she turned back around. “It’s going to be OK, Kinsley. I promise. Grace cares about you.” Sure. Grace cares about me. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t about to lose her.

  “It’s not about that,” I lied. “I’m just tired from this weekend and need some rest.” I was happy when Leah didn’t push it any further and left without saying another word.

  Unfortunately, just a few minutes later, there was another knock on my door. “Leah, I already told you that I need my rest.”

  Instead of leaving me alone, my door swung open. I was surprised to see Grace walk into the room. I quickly stood from my bed and walked over to her. Before I could overthink it, I wrapped her in my arms. Warmth overtook me when she melted into me as well. “Are you doing OK?” I whispered.

  Grace pulled away, and I could see that she had tears in her eyes. “I’m OK. It’s all just very confusing. She’s saying all of the things that I was dying to hear up until just a few weeks ago.”

  I took her hand and pulled her over to sit on the bed next to me. “Where is she now?”

  Grace nodded her head toward my door. “She’s still out in the living room. She wants to go get dinner with me, but I told her I needed to talk to you first.”

  “Well, what do you want?” I asked, afraid to hear the answer.

  “Honestly? I want to go back in time to just an hour ago when things felt a lot simpler.”

  I hated the fact that this didn’t feel simple for her. I wanted her to go out and give Becky the middle finger, then spend the rest of the night in bed with me. But I didn’t blame her for feeling confused. It took me years after Nikki dumped me to stop wishing that she would ask for me back. Even now after all this time, I had to wonder how my body would react to seeing her again. That’s what happened when you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with someone. If you had that life offered back up to you, it was completely normal to wonder if you should take it. The last thing I wanted was for Grace to have any regrets.

  “You should go with her,” I spoke, finally breaking the silence. “You owe her nothing. But you do owe it to yourself. I don’t want you to always wonder what might have been.”

  Grace exhaled loudly beside me. “You’re right.” Instead of standing, she placed her hand on top of mine. “I know this is a strange request when I’m about to go to dinner with my ex, but could I have a kiss?”

  Without saying a word, I captured Grace’s lips with mine. It didn’t take long for me to become completely enraptured in the kiss, letting all of the events of the past half hour to be forgotten. As our tongues developed a steady rhythm, Grace pulled me closer to her and we somehow ended up horizontal on the bed. I pulled my mouth away from Grace’s and ran my tongue along her neck. When I heard Grace moan, I pushed my hand underneath her shirt, running it over her tight stomach until I reached….

  Suddenly, I felt Grace’s hands on my shoulders pushing me away. “Sorry, I think we got a little carried away there,” she apologized.

  “You mean you don’t want to have a quickie while your ex is in the other room waiting to go to dinner with you?” I laughed, resorting to my old tactic of making crude jokes in order to avoid my feelings.

  Grace gave me a look that told me she didn’t appreciate the joke. “Please don’t do that.”

  “Do what?” I asked, feigning innocence.

  “Please don’t act like a douche because you’re upset.”

  I rested my head against Grace’s. “I’m sorry. I guess this is all a little weird for me too.”

  Grace turned her body so our foreheads were touching. “I won’t go if you tell me not to.”

  “You know that I’m going to do that. I want you to do this for yourself.”

  Grace nodded and actually stood up from the bed this time, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again. I sat motionless for a few minutes, before I noticed Lenny staring at me from his cage. “What dude? I’m allowed to be upset. I was supposed to be having sex, and instead, I’m sitting in my room while the girl I'm falling for goes on a date with her ex.”

  He continued to stare, and I groaned in response. “I get it. I told her to go. That doesn’t make it any easier.”

  When he jumped from his perch and started running on the giant wheel in his cage, I rolled my eyes. “What did you expect me to do?! You think I should have told her not to go, don’t you? I couldn’t do that. She was so confused. She deserves to figure this out.”

  Lenny stopped running and stared at me again. “We’re not actually together man. Remember? That was the deal.”

  I laid back down on my bed and shook my head. Is this really what my life had come to? I was talking to a chinchilla about my girl problems? After a few minutes of chastising myself, I must have drifted off to sleep, because when I opened my eyes, it was dark out, and someone was lying beside me on the bed. I blinked my eyes until Grace came into focus. She stared down at me as she ran a hand through my hair. “Did you eat anything?” she asked softly. “I brought some sweet and sour chicken back for you from that place a few blocks away that you love but never get since they don’t deliver.”

  “That’s where you guys ate?” I asked, unable to mask my disappointment.

>   “Of course not. I stopped there on the way back.”

  I couldn’t help, but smile at this. “That was sweet of you. Where is Becky?”

  “At a hotel. She apparently booked herself a room for the next week so she could have more time with me.” Grace hesitated, then added, “Listen, we need to talk.”

  I felt a lump form in the pit of my stomach. I had heard those words before. Anyone who has ever been dumped has heard those words. Could this be considered being dumped though if we were never actually together? I couldn’t bear the thought of being told that I wasn’t good enough; that somehow a girl who cheats for six months straight is better than me. I had to take matters into my own hands, but did I really want to end things? Of course not. I enjoyed Grace too much for that. Maybe if I took a step back, we could keep things going for awhile. “You’re right. We do need to talk. I’m sure you’ll agree, but I think we should forget about the whole exclusive thing. That gives you more time to figure out whatever this is with Becky, and I can get back to the old me.”

  For a second, Grace faltered, and I thought maybe she would tell me that I read the situation wrong. “Oh..yeah...I mean, of course. That sounds like a good plan.” There goes that feeling again.

  “Perfect!” I answered a bit too enthusiastically. “I’m exhausted, but you’re welcome to stay in here or go back to Leah’s room. Up to you.” I turned my back to her and willed myself not to cry. This was a good thing. What did I expect to happen anyway? It’s not like I was going to actually let myself get tied down to one person. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.

  Chapter 20: Grace

  As I laid in bed next to Kinsley, I stared up at the ceiling, wondering how things had gone downhill so quickly. Except, I knew exactly how that had happened. Becky had showed up in Philadelphia. Becky, the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with; the person I thought I could never possibly get over. I let my mind play back the events of the evening.

  After leaving Kinsley’s room, I came back to the living room to find Becky sitting on the couch waiting for me. She took one look at my flushed face and shook her head. “I have to say Grace, I’m kind of shocked that this is the girl you have become these past few months. You made me wait how long before we had sex? Over a year? Now you’re hooking up with a girl who doesn’t even want a relationship with you. It’s cool if that’s what you want to do. I just hope you haven’t lost yourself.”

  I wasn’t sure whether to feel angry or ashamed from her words. It wasn’t like she had said anything untrue. But wasn’t I allowed to change? Plus, Kinsley wasn’t just some random hookup. I had real feelings for her. Feelings that were now being thrown for a loop since Becky was apparently back in the picture. Instead of acknowledging her accusations, I suggested that we head out. I took her to a small sports bar a few blocks away, purposely avoiding any place Kinsley and I had gone together.

  We spent the first part of the meal immersed in small talk to avoid the actual topic. I was surprised how easy it was to fall back in rhythm with Becky. But then again, in the four years we were dating, she was more than just my girlfriend. She was my best friend too. She knew me better than anyone else, whether I liked it or not. After catching up on the latest small town gossip and discussing the lady hired to be the new kindergarten teacher, Becky became serious. “So, tell me the truth. What’s the deal with this Kinsley chick?” I shrugged my shoulders, unsure how to explain what was going on between Kinsley and I. “Well, do you have feelings for her?” Becky pushed.

  My heart fluttered as I thought about how I felt about Kinsley. “Yes. I have very strong feelings actually.”

  A hurt expression entered onto Becky’s face. “But if you have feelings for her, why aren’t you guys together?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Try me.”

  I groaned at Becky’s persistence. “I wasn’t ready for a relationship after everything that happened with you, and Kinsley…,Well, Kinsley doesn’t do relationships.”

  Becky scrunched her face as if she was in deep thought about my words. “So, where is this going?”

  I rolled my eyes to show my annoyance at her questioning. It felt like I was talking to my mom instead of my ex-girlfriend. “I don’t know, Becky. We were just enjoying where it was at.” It felt wrong to be discussing Kinsley with anyone other than Leah, so I decided to change the subject. “And what about Jamie? I thought she was your soulmate?”

  “That ended a few weeks ago. I was kidding myself by being with her. I wasn’t actually in love with her. I was trying just to convince myself that I hadn’t messed up the best thing to ever happen to me for something that was nothing more than a fling.”

  I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around what she was telling me. “Becky, you cheated on me with her for six months.”

  As if on cue, Becky broke down into tears. “I know! And I honestly have no good excuse for why I did that. I’m not sure if I was trying to sabotage something that seemed too good to be true or if I let my hormones get the best of me, but it was never anything more than sex for me. I never stopped loving you. I still love you, Grace.”

  I held onto my head. “None of this makes any sense, Becky. If you have always loved me, what made you decide to come here now?”

  “Honestly?” Becky sniffled. “I saw your post with the picture of you and Kinsley and I knew I had to come fight for you if I wanted to have any chance of getting you back. Please tell me I still have a chance. I’m ready to start our future together. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I know you want all of those things too, and I’ll do anything to prove that I mean it.” Becky stared at me longingly as I tried to process what she was saying. “So?”

  “So what?”

  “Do I still have a chance?”

  I wanted to say no. I wished I had no reservations about sending her packing and never seeing her again, but I couldn’t do that. The truth was, if Kinsley actually wanted a future with me, I would choose her instantly. My feelings for her were exponentially stronger than any dwindling feelings I thought I might have for Becky. But I was a twenty-eight year old girl who wanted to settle down. I wanted all of those things that Becky was talking about, but I wanted them with a person who most likely didn’t want them at all. As if reading my mind, Becky spoke up again. “You don’t have to decide anything tonight. I know you’re thinking about Kinsley. It’s pretty obvious that you believe you have some pretty strong feelings for her. But just remember everything that I’m willing to give you. I’m ready to fight for the chance to make those dreams come true for you.” She then gave me all of the information for the hotel she was going to be staying in and I excused myself so I could go back to the apartment.

  I knew exactly what I had to do. I had to talk to Kinsley and tell her that I wanted more out of this relationship. I didn’t want to just enjoy each other. I didn’t want just sex. I needed to see if she could promise me the same future that Becky was offering. Somehow, as I walked home, stopping at the Chinese takeout place to get Kinsley her beloved sweet and sour chicken, I convinced myself that just maybe this could work with Kinsley. There was no denying that we had something special, so maybe that would be enough to change her outlook on love. These dreams were quickly shattered when Kinsley told me that she didn’t think we should be exclusive anymore. I figured this was probably all part of Kinsley’s defense mechanism since she didn’t show any interest in exploring other options until Becky was back in the picture, but I still didn’t see the point in confessing my feelings to her. What was the point in opening myself up just to get my heart broken all over again?

  That brought me to this moment, lying beside Kinsley in her bed. My body was pressed up against hers, without even an inch of space between us, but I had never felt so far away from her. I knew that I wasn’t ready to have things end between us, so I had no other choice than to be OK with this new arrangement. I closed my eyes, hoping I was able to get some rest. It seemed like I h
ad barely fallen asleep when I felt her stirring beside me. Soon she rolled over so she was now facing me and wrapped her arms around my waist. Before her eyes even opened, she began kissing my neck, and I couldn’t help the moan that escaped me, similar to the one from the night before. As she sucked on my pulse point, I tried my best to keep my thoughts straight. “Kinsley… don’t… you think... we should… maybe… discuss some… some rules,” I asked between gasps.

  Kinsley quickly pulled back. “Rules?!” The confusion in her voice made me believe that she had forgotten our conversation from the night before. I watched as the realization hit her, but instead of the sadness that I expected to see, a smile spread across her face. “If we didn’t have rules before, then we certainly don’t need them now. We’re free. We can do whatever the hell we want.”

  Her words were the opposite of a turn on, so I scooted out of the bed before we could continue with any extracurricular activities. I poured myself some cereal, then sat down on the couch, not even bothering to turn on the TV. A few minutes later, Kinsley emerged from the bedroom. “Dude, what’s the deal? You left me high and dry in there. Emphasis on the dry.”

  I rolled my eyes at her choice of words. “I just don’t like the way you’re acting right now.”

  “Seriously, Grace? How do you want me to act?”

  “I just want you to be the Kinsley that I have grown to know and…” I stopped myself before the next word could leave my mouth. Did I really almost say that out loud? “I just want you to be the Kinsley I know, OK?”