Sunsets and Shades

by Erica Lee

  If Kinsley had noticed my little slip up, she didn’t acknowledge it. “The Kinsley you know is an asshole. You’ve pointed that out plenty of times.”

  “Fine. But could you at least wait until I have my whole breakfast eaten before you start being an asshole?” I joked, finding it impossible to stay mad at her.

  Kinsley smiled that thousand watt smile that made me completely forget about everything else. “Deal.”

  With that aside, Kinsley and I fell back into our normal routine for the next two days. I also successfully avoided seeing Becky. She called me a few times, but agreed to giving me the space I requested. In return, I gave her a list of places to explore in the city.

  ***

  By Wednesday, I was starting to feel a little guilt over the fact that she was there for me and I refused to see her, so I agreed to get a happy hour drink with her.

  Again, I found that casual conversation flowed easily between us. It actually felt like I was catching up with an old friend. “So, have you given any more thought to what I said?” Becky asked once she had a bit of liquid courage in her, throwing that whole illusion out the window.

  Apparently my liquid courage came in the form of anger. I slammed my drink down harder than I meant to, causing it to spill all over the table. “You cheated on me Becky. I know I sound like a broken record, but you didn’t just break up with me. You were seeing someone else for six months after we had been together for four years.”

  Becky’s tears immediately returned, just like the other night. “I know! And I said I’m sorry. I know that’s not enough, but I’m willing to do whatever I have to to make it up to you. I’ll spend my whole life making it up to you.”

  I put my hand up for her to stop. “No. Stop. If there is any chance at all of this being a possibility, and I’m still not saying that there is, I need you to listen to everything I have to say.” Becky’s eyes widened in response to my words, but she kept her mouth shut. “You cheated on me for six months with someone who I thought was my friend. The whole time you were seeing Jamie behind my back, you were talking about our future as if we still had one. Then that day came that I found out about you guys because I literally walked in on her going down on you. And let me tell you something - the look I saw in your eyes that day wasn’t one of regret or sadness. It was pure horror of getting caught. Even after that little display, I still wanted us to be together for some reason, but you were quick to run me out of the house. You pretty much ran me out of town as well. Do you know what it was like watching you be happy with someone else right in front of me, while my heart was breaking?”

  “I do now,” Becky responded softly. “That’s exactly how I felt when I saw you with Kinsley. You were hooking up with her in the next room while I waited for you to come talk to me. Then you didn’t even have the decency to fix your sex hair. But you know what? That’s OK because I deserve it. I deserve for you to do that to me a thousand more times.”

  Her words stung. I didn’t want to be that girl. The last thing I wanted to do was string two people along. It wasn’t my intention. “I’m sorry if that hurt you, but I need to be honest with you, Becky. Just because I met with you tonight, doesn’t mean that anything has changed with Kinsley.”

  “Does this mean you guys are going to make things official?”

  That question hurt even more than her previous accusations. That’s all I wanted with Kinsley, and instead, we were headed in the opposite direction. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no, we’re not official. But I’m also not ready to give up whatever it is that we have.”

  Becky reached across the table and grabbed ahold of my hand. She held it tight so I couldn’t pull it away. “I respect that and want you to take all of the time that you need. But just remember... you and I have a past, and we can also have a future. Do you really want to throw that all away for a right now?”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond to this, but luckily Becky let it drop there. After finishing our drinks, I made the mistake of agreeing to let her walk me back to the apartment. When we arrived, I was happy to find that all of the lights were out. It made me wonder where Kinsley had gone, but I was just glad she could avoid an awkward run in with Becky. I flipped on the light, then turned to say goodbye to Becky, hoping she wouldn’t try to stick around. Becky took a step closer to me. “I had a really great time tonight.” Her words made it sound more like a date than a serious talk, but I decided to ignore that fact.

  “Umm yeah.. goodnight Becky,” I muttered.

  When she leaned in for what I assumed was a hug, I decided to accept it, but to my surprise, her lips landed on mine. I pushed her away before the kiss could even happen and saw the immediate disappointment take over her face. After a second, she stood up straighter as if she were trying to gain back some dignity that she had just lost. “OK. Listen Grace. Here’s the deal. I know I was supposed to stay a few more days, but having me here clearly isn’t working for you. I think you need some actual space to really think about this. But before I go, there’s something else I need to tell you. I wanted to surprise you with this, but I won’t be able to if you don’t give me a chance, so I might as well just say it. Do you remember that fixer upper about a mile from your parents’ house?”

  Of course I remembered it. That house was on the market from the time I was in high school. No one wanted it since it was so rundown. For whatever reason, I always saw potential in it. As the years passed and it continued to sit uninhabited, I decided that I would buy it someday and fix it up. Unfortunately, I dragged my feet (mostly because when I started dating Becky and mentioned it to her, she stuck her nose up at the suggestion), and someone ended up buying it two years ago. I was heartbroken the day that the for sale sign was replaced with a sold sign, but I had no idea why Becky would choose to bring that up now. “Yes,” I sighed. “Why are you asking about that now though?”

  Becky’s face lit back up. “It’s back on the market. Apparently the guy who bought it did a decent amount of work on it, but had no intention of actually living in it. Rumor has it he bought it for one of his kids who ended up moving to another state. Who knows. The important part is that it’s for sale again, and I’m going to put an offer on it. I want it to be our first house together. Maybe our forever home.”

  My head was spinning again. This had the makings of every romance novel I had ever read. Girl meets girl. Girl falls in love. Girls inevitably break up. Girl realizes the error of her ways and swoops in with the grand romantic gesture. There was one problem. It was the wrong girl, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t my story. “This is a lot to think about, Becky. That’s a really sweet gesture, but I don’t think you should do anything rash. Buying a house isn’t something you just do on a whim. “

  Becky grabbed onto my hands. “But I would do that for you. That’s what I need you to know.”

  I dropped my hands back at my side. “It’s just a lot, Becky.”

  “I know, I know. That’s why I’m giving you space. But listen, school starts for me again in two and a half weeks. I’m not saying you have to make any decisions in that time, but what if you think things through, then come back home for a visit that weekend before things get crazy for both of us? Your mom told me that you haven’t been home all summer, so if nothing else, at least you’ll get to see your family.”

  “Becky….”

  “You should do it,” a voice came from behind me.

  I turned around to see Kinsley standing beside the couch. She was wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a sports bra, and my mouth went dry at the sight. My heartbeat had also taken on a rapid pace. I didn’t know if it was a reaction to how good she looked or the fact that she was in the room practically pushing me back into the arms of my ex. Regardless, I had to look away from her. The emotions were too much to take. When I looked back at Becky, she had a smug grin on her face. “See! Even she thinks it’s a good idea.”

  I wanted to point out that she had a name, but I was t
oo overwhelmed by the whole situation to say anything. Becky reached out and squeezed my hand. “Just think about it, ok?” She winked at me, then turned and walked back out through the door, leaving just me and Kinsley.

  I walked over to the couch and threw myself onto it, closing my eyes as I laid down. To my surprise, I felt a pair of hands lift my glasses off my face. I looked up at the now blurry figure standing above me. “Can’t have you breaking those,” Kinsley explained. The sound of her voice told me that she was currently smiling. I didn’t want her to be worried over the Becky situation, but it still hurt that she seemed to take it all so lightly. I closed my eyes again, unsure how I was supposed to react to any of this.

  I heard Kinsley walk to the other side of the couch, where she lifted my feet so she could sit and put them back on her lap. I waited for her to say something, but she didn’t. Instead, she gently ran her fingers back and forth along my legs. “Why did you say I should go home?” I finally asked.

  Kinsley sighed as if I had just asked her the most obvious question in the world. “Home has what you want - your family, the teaching position, your dream house… Becky.”

  “There is one very important piece missing from all of that.”

  “And what is that?”

  I growled in frustration. “It’s you Kinsley! It’s whatever this is between us. I’m honestly not sure what it is at this point, but I’m also not willing to give it up.”

  Instead of getting a response, silence took over the room. I wouldn’t have even known that Kinsley was still there if it wasn’t for the fact that my feet were resting on her legs currently. The silence was killing me, and I was about to speak up when she finally did. “Well, lucky for you… I am.”

  “You are what?” I asked, hoping I had misunderstood where she was taking this.

  “I’m willing to give this up. Let’s face it, Grace. It’s not going anywhere. You’re cool and smart and sexy as hell, and we’ve had a ton of fun. But I think it’s run its course. Let’s be honest. It was getting too real anyway.”

  I sat up on the couch and grabbed my glasses off of the coffee table. I had to see Kinsley’s face. I had to know if she meant what she was saying. Unfortunately, she would barely even make eye contact with me. She stood from the couch and began walking out of the room. Before heading down the hall, she shook her head and turned around. I stood from the couch as well and held my breath as she made her way back toward me. I waited for her next move, willing to accept whatever it was. Much to my dismay, she placed a kiss on my forehead that was so brief it almost felt like I had imagined it. When she pulled back she whispered, “Take care of yourself Grace,” then walked away again.

  “Can’t we at least talk about this?!” I yelled after her. The answer was given to me in the form of silence, a silence that continued through that week and the next. My knocks on her door were met with no answer. My attempts to talk were met with nothing but grunts and groans. It was like the Kinsley that I had known the past few months had just evaporated.

  It was so heartbreaking that by the time the potential date of the weekend visit with Becky was just a few days away, I decided to do it. If nothing else, I figured it would feel good to get away. Plus, unlike Kinsley, Becky wanted me and she was making no secret of that fact. Since leaving, she had called me every single night, continuing to make promises about our possible future. The more complicated things seemed to get with Kinsley, the more tempting it sounded to fall back into something easy and known. Becky was so excited about my decision, that I almost felt guilty about how indifferent I was.

  Even with how bad things had gotten, I wasn’t willing to leave without talking to Kinsley. No matter how much she pulled away from me, I still cared about her, and I knew she cared as well. That Wednesday, just two days before my trip, I knocked on her door for what felt like the millionth time in two weeks. When she didn’t answer, I tried to open it, but was disappointed to find that she had locked it. “Kinsley, please,” I pleaded. “Listen I need to talk to you. I decided to go this weekend, but I can’t do that without seeing you first.”

  To my surprise, Kinsley finally opened the door in response to my begging. As soon as I was inside her room, I took her in completely. She looked different somehow, almost more tired. Her eyes appeared heavy and they had rings around them, almost as if she had been crying. Of course, she still looked amazing. I don’t think it was possible for Kinsley Scott to look anything but amazing, and it was taking everything in me not to just fall into her arms. She motioned for me to sit on her bed. When she sat down beside me, I noticed that her shoulders slumped. Against my better judgment, I put my hand on her chin and directed her eyes toward mine. “Are you ok?” I asked.

  Kinsley forced a smile in return. “I’m just dandy.”

  I groaned at her lies. After all of the time it took to get Kinsley to open up to me, it had taken only a few weeks for her to completely shut me out again. “What’s wrong, Kinsley? Do you not want me to go? Because if not, just say the word and I’ll forget it all.”

  “Of course you should go,” she answered more firmly.

  “You do realize that this could change everything, right?” My words made my mind flash to my future and what it might look like. It looked… nice. It looked fine. But it didn’t look like anything I had experienced the past few months.

  “Hasn’t it already changed?”

  “My feelings haven’t,” I answered softly. “Have yours?” Kinsley didn’t answer, but simply shook her head in return.

  “Then tell me to stay, Kinsley,” I urged.

  “I can’t do that,” she responded through gritted teeth.

  “And why not?! If we both like each other, why can’t we go back to being together?”

  “Because we were never together, Grace! God, what do you not understand about that?! What we had always had an expiration date.”

  “Fine Kinsley. I’ll just see you when I get back I guess.”

  She was right. What we had did have an expiration date. Kinsley didn’t want me in the same way that I wanted her. But there was someone who did, and that’s why I was determined to make sure this weekend went well.

  Two days later, I was getting into my car to start my drive when Leah pulled in beside me. She jumped out of her car and leaned up against mine. “Were you really going to leave your oldest, bestest friend without saying goodbye?” she mock scolded.

  “I’ll be back in two days. It’s not like I’m leaving you for good.”

  “Not yet,” she pouted. “But if things go well, you will be.”

  “That’s the plan,” I sighed.

  “Could you please remind me once again why you are doing this?”

  “I don’t know, Leah. I guess I just feel like I should give it a chance. Becky wants to be with me. She wants to build a life and a future together, and I’m just supposed to give that all up for what exactly?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. True love. The person you actually want to be with.”

  “Listen, Leah, I know you have this fantasy about your two besties ending up together, but that’s just not realistic with Kinsley. I mean, come on, she is the one who encouraged me to go this weekend. She clearly doesn’t want me.”

  Leah rolled her eyes in response to this. “OK. You keep telling yourself that,” she quipped.

  “Kinsley is complex and beautiful and truly the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and if I could have a future with her, I would. But, the truth is, we just want different things.”

  Leah placed a hand on my shoulder. “Just do me a favor and don’t settle. You deserve better than that.”

  I promised her I wouldn’t. It couldn’t be considered settling if you ended up with your first love, could it?

  Chapter 21: Kinsley

  I laid in my bed Friday night listening to music when I suddenly felt a hand slap the side of my head. I looked up to see Leah staring down at me. I took my headphones off and sat up so we were level.

  “Wha
t the hell is wrong with you?” Leah groaned.

  I smirked back at her. “Nice to see you too, buddy.” That earned me another light smack in the back of my head.

  “Answer my question. I asked what the hell is wrong with you.”

  I rubbed my head and glared back at her. “Well, right now I’m thinking it’s the fact that I might have a concussion.”

  Leah rolled her eyes at me. “Stop. You know exactly what I’m talking about so don’t play dumb with me. Why would you let Grace leave?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Grace is a grown woman. She can make her own decisions.”

  “I just don’t get it, Kins. We’ve lived together for like 7 years now, and I’ve never seen you as happy as you were in the two months Grace was here. I also know Grace. I know she wouldn’t have gone if you told her not to.”

  I used my eyes to tell Leah that she needed to back off. “I’m not talking about this right now,” I warned.

  “Fine,” Leah sighed, but instead of leaving, she sat down beside me on the bed and pushed her shoulder against mine. “Are you OK? Because you look like shit.”

  Of course I looked like shit. I had spent the last three weeks crying, but I would never admit that to Leah. Ever since Becky showed up, I felt like my entire world was falling apart. I did what I had to do for Grace though, and I could be happy knowing that. I just hoped some day she would realize I did it all for her. Telling her that I didn’t want her was the hardest lie I ever told, but that’s what you do when…

  “Are you crying?” Leah’s voice interrupted my thoughts. I moved my hand up to my face and felt moisture on my cheeks. Shit.

  “I’ve just been sick,” I lied. “My sinuses have been acting up. That’s why I haven’t been around. Snot everywhere.”

  “Cool story, bro,” Leah quipped. “If you ever decide to tell me the truth, I’m here to listen. But for now, what can I do to get you to smile again?”

  For the first time in what felt like forever, a genuine smile spread across my face. “You could help me get laid.”