Leaving Salt Lake City

by Matthew Timion

  Manny came home still confused. I fed him dinner and put him to bed. Jojo was next to him having sensed that Manny needed the extra attention. The next morning Manny woke up and said, “Dad, is my mom still drunk?”

  “I don’t know Manny." I had not heard from Jessica or Vince since the night before.

  “If she isn’t drunk, can I go back and visit her?”

  “I’m sorry honey, but your mom messed up her chance to see you this summer." A tear formed in his eye, and he ran off to bury his head in his pillow. Manny did not want to talk about what happened at the airport for months afterwards. He did not want to talk to Jessica on the phone for weeks. He pretended the whole event never happened.

  At the last minute, I had to purchase Manny a ticket to go to Chicago with me. This erased any chance I had of filing for bankruptcy. I had no idea how I would entertain a child while I was working full time. My time in Chicago was to be my first week at my new job. I was supposed to be showing them all just how amazing I was. Luckily for me my mother stepped in and told me she would take Manny for a few weeks so I could have my week in Chicago and I could visit Courtney in San Francisco.

  I eyed my house, which was half empty, and was excited that I would only be in Utah for another month. Not only did I need to escape that place, but I needed to get as far away as possible from Jessica. I needed to do it for my sake and most importantly for Manny’s sake.

  For a few weeks before Jessica’s drunken airport showdown, Courtney was afraid of how I would tell Jessica that Manny and I were going to move. Jessica could have reacted poorly and taken me to court over the sudden life change. This could have been a way for her to try to continue her court case against me for custody. The court case was still open.

  On the phone that night Courtney said to me, “At least you don’t have to worry about telling Jessica you’re going to move. Really Matt, what can she say now?" She was right. Jessica’s opinion and role as Manny’s mother were non-existent as far as I was concerned. Manny and I were on to bigger and better things.

  | FIFTY SIX |

  Taste of a New Life

  Late July 2012

  Touchdown. Our plane landed in Chicago’s Midway airport and my mother was there waiting for us. Although I had grown up just hours away from Chicago, I had only been there a few times. My mother was equally ignorant of how to get around the city.

  Under the cover of darkness, we drove to the hotel where I was to stay. My new company got me a room for the entire week. After driving around Chicago’s Loop for what seemed like an hour we finally found the hotel.

  “Manny, we can stay for the night or we can go back to my house,” my mother told Manny.

  “Let’s go to your house!” He was excited. A three-hour drive was ahead of them and they would not get to my mother’s house until around midnight. I grabbed my bag and checked into the hotel. The hotel was in an old building, built when people took real pride in the buildings they made. It had marble floors and ornate decorations. I felt like I had stepped into a time machine and was whisked back into the 1920s. The only place I had experienced that in Utah was at the courthouse.

  I stepped outside at nine o’clock in the evening. I was hungry and on the hunt for food. Having lived in suburbs for most of my life I was completely unprepared for what I was experiencing. There was traffic. There were trains overhead. There were people everywhere. Lights filled my view, and I knew Chicago was in my future. There was a certain energy about that place. It was like listening to a jazz album and just feeling the groove of a certain song. Standing on Wabash and Adams filled me with something I had never experienced before. I loved it.

  Even though I was working I viewed that week as my first real vacation in years. The last vacation I had was also to the Midwest, years before, with Jessica and Manny. I remembered walking downtown Chicago with them thinking how overwhelming the city was. I was overcome with fright that I would never find my way and wanted nothing more than to retreat back to our simple Utah life. On this trip though, it was different. I was different. I was no longer afraid of the people, the buildings, or the enormous size of everything around me.

  The next morning I walked into my new job, ready to learn. I was ready for a new beginning. The exposed brick walls and old hardwood floors made feeling creative so much easier. I sat at my new desk and literally rolled up my sleeves to work. With my tattoos on full display I realized that no one had commented on the permanent pieces of art on my arm. No one even looked twice. I was so used to being the outsider. Not in the big city though. Tattoos were as common in Chicago as hot dog vendors, and having them said nothing about the person wearing them. I blended in.

  Instead of taking the train back to the hotel, I walked. I wanted to see the city. I wanted to see the people all around. I was not alone in my desire to walk. It seemed like everyone was walking. People in business suits and sneakers were on every side of me. I walked past the Sears Tower and recognized a small convenience store I had gone to years back with Jessica during our visit. Back then the place scared me, but this time it seemed quaint.

  Memories of the life I had lived with Jessica no longer haunted me. I would have looked at that same store years before and felt the sadness of a lost love, a lost life. Memories of the person I loved were gone because I had realized that person never existed. The Jessica I knew wasn’t a real person. She was an invention, made up to win me over. The newest version of her sat somewhere in Arizona, probably trying to protect herself from the consequences of her actions. If she was the same as she was when I was with her, she would find a way to dodge punishment for showing up drunk at the airport. Someone would always rescue her.

  Jessica called while I was away, but I didn’t answer. If Manny had been by my side, he would have certainly not wanted to talk to her. I had nothing to say to Jessica anyway. My time in Chicago was my time not hers.

  Before my trip Courtney gave me a list of places to visit while in Chicago. I visited every single one of them. I was experiencing the sights and sounds of a city she wished she still lived in. Our plan to move forward together was still going to happen.

  I visited Oak Park, just outside of Chicago, and put down a deposit for an apartment. It took almost every cent I had, but my future was cemented. I was officially relocating.

  In a blur, the sights and sounds of Chicago came and went. My week by myself was relaxing and eye opening. I arrived back in Utah and instantly began throwing more useless things away. How had I accumulated so much stuff over the years? I only had a month to get ready to move, and I had to empty my house in a short amount of time. I found a new home for Jojo, and then I arranged for my cats to be taken as well. I was saying goodbye to everything that used to matter to me, and I was okay with it.

  Manny was still in Illinois with my mother and he loved everything he did that summer. “Dad, I want to move here!” he told me.

  I boarded another plane to visit Courtney in San Francisco. Walking into her apartment I noticed a stark difference between how she lived and how I lived. Her apartment was clean like she had a team of professional cleaners come through every day. No wonder she was so disgusted with how I lived. By comparison I was living in a trash heap.

  We spent four days acting like tourists and soaked in the city. While I enjoyed walking the Golden Gate Bridge with her and I had loved every restaurant we went to, I was happiest spending time with her. I didn’t need the sights and sounds of a grand city. I just needed her. She was who I wanted to visit. We walked down a hill, and she grabbed onto my arm at the bottom. I looked into her eyes.

  Could I spend the rest of my life with this woman? Could she really be the one? Absolutely. I cannot imagine two people who were not meant to be together willing to go through the back and forth that Courtney and I had endured over the years. She was worth waiting for. For her, I was worth the heartache I had caused her and the months apart until we could be closer together.

  “I just realized something,” she tol
d me. “I’m never going to see your house in Utah again. I’m never going to see your dog or cats again.”

  “I know,” I said, realizing the gravity of what she was saying. She was going to miss those things. I was going to miss them too.

  “This is really happening, isn’t it?”

  “Yes,” I replied. Life was moving forward and after years of living in survival mode I was finally coming up for air. Courtney was there holding my hand and proud of me for the changes I made.

  | FIFTY SEVEN |

  A Life Uncommon

  Late August 2012

  “Do you need this?" My friend Diane yelled from my kitchen. I had no idea how long she had been there or how she got into my house. I had just come back from the airport to drop off Manny. He was flying all by himself again, but this time he was going to be picked up by my mom in Chicago. Suddenly my house was filled with people.

  “Matt, do you need this?” Diane persisted.

  “Nah, throw that away.”

  “Do you need any of these dishes you left?”

  “Nope." I had already packed everything I needed to bring with me from the kitchen. I heard a loud crash and glass breaking.

  “I love throwing away other people’s stuff,” Diane said, “I cannot do it for my own stuff, but when I get the chance I love throwing stuff away." The sound of more glass breaking filled the house as Diane threw cups and mason jars onto the trash bag on the floor. “Okay,” she said, “where to next?”

  My house was being emptied by Diane, Nadia, Mary Ann, and Nadia’s kids. My former roommate Alan was there too to help with the heavy lifting.

  As weird as it sounds, the best place for me during the makeover of my house was receiving was out of everyone’s way. They were on a junking rampage and throwing as much away as possible. All of the items they had tossed had sentimental value to me so I could not bring myself to throw things away. They had no problem smashing glass and filling garbage bag after garbage bag with relics I had once held so dearly.

  I stepped outside of my house to smoke. I knew I was not going to be there much longer. In my driveway was a moving truck almost filled with furniture, clothes, and everything else I had decided to keep. I could not have loaded that truck myself. Friends of mine who I had not seen in years dropped everything they were doing, came over one day, and helped load the truck. These friends were not part of the ex-Mormon group, but rather friends I had made along the way. Some of them were Mormon and some were not. It didn’t matter what they believed. They were helping me. They were my friends.

  I had spent so much time in Salt Lake City searching for a community, wanting to belong. My experience in Mormonism led me to the ex-Mormons, who were my community for so long. That community faded and I spend years just surviving while I parented Manny. My dreams of family and belonging somewhere all faded.

  Sitting on my front porch Mary Ann came outside in tears. “Matt, you have no idea how hard it is going to be for you to leave. You’re such a great friend." Her sobbing made it difficult to talk. “I am so happy for you, but you’re such a big part of our lives." I wanted to feel emotion for what she was saying. I wanted to want to miss her and her daughter. I wanted to be sad about moving, but I couldn’t. I was thrilled, and I knew that one day I would look back at Utah and miss all of the people and places, but it wasn’t that day. That day I was focusing on getting out. That day was a day of work and moving forward.

  I realized then that I had had a community all along. People traveled from almost an hour away to help me load a moving truck. Other people left work early to help destroy mason jars while throwing them into garbage bags. Old high school friends who happened to be in town came over and helped load the truck. Nadia and her kids picked up everything they could and threw it away while Alan was there to help take my cats to the Humane Society. The community I envisioned, and so long sought for, had been in front of me the entire time. The only missing component was me. I had never reached out to those people and asked for help. I had never seen what was right there.

  After realizing that the friends I had were in fact my long lost community, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was moving the next day. I would most likely never see some of them again. The life I had lived in Utah had been an interesting one, but it was certainly an uncommon one.

  It was time though. It was time to move on.

  I sat in an empty house that night with my television on the floor. I checked my laptop for any new messages. There was one, and it was from Jessica. A week before I had sent her the following email:

  Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2012 15:41:18 -0700

  From: Matthew Timion

  Subject: Manny

  To: Jessica Jacobs

  Jessica,

  In a text recently you admitted to having had made a "huge mistake." Of course you were referencing your child neglect charge. To put it bluntly, a "huge mistake" is an understatement. Just so you know, I am in contact with the detective on the case and continue to get updates as it progresses.

  I am Manny's custodial parent, and as such, I need to look out for his emotional and physical well-being. Your behavior could have easily hurt or killed yourself, Manny, and his step-sister. It is entirely unacceptable. This is also not the first time you have endangered yourself (and others) due to alcohol. It is the first [time] that you put minor children at risk (that I know of).

  Just so you know, I asked Manny if he wanted to talk to you a number of times after he came home. He said no. I have quit asking him if he wanted to call you and am waiting for him to want to call you himself.

  Simply put, your behavior over the years has done more damage than good to Manny. He regularly sees the school counselor over abandonment issues. Every time he talks to you, or sees you, it gets worse for a while. He gets confused, angry, and will usually have a total meltdown because your side of the family wants nothing to do with him.

  I am not writing this as some form of debate. It's fact. Any attempt you make to argue with me over his reactions and feelings will not be reciprocated.

  Due to your inability to control your drinking even for a few hours and put innocent children at risk, I do not feel safe leaving Manny alone with you. Vince was right to recommend supervised visitation years ago. Also considering that you told the police at the Phoenix airport that YOU in fact have physical custody of Manny, I cannot trust you to not lie again to anyone in authority.

  Because of your "huge mistake" I had to spend $800 of my own money on a last minute plane ticket for Manny to accompany me on a business trip. Add this to the thousands of dollars you have cost me over the years in legal fees, plane tickets, and unpaid day care (which you refused to pay). Your behavior HURTS Manny by depriving him of money/resources. Your actions cause him pain. As I mentioned, he has such a difficult time processing it that he cannot even talk about it most of the time.

  I started looking at jobs months ago out of state. One of the benefits (at the time) was that we were going to be moving closer to you and the flights would be direct. I started this process long before you told me you were moving to Arizona.

  I was offered a job in Chicago, and I accepted it. We will be moving by the end of this month.

  The environment is great there, the schools are stellar, and we will be close to extended family that Manny knows.

  I would encourage you to recognize what effect your behavior has on Manny. If you cannot be the kind of mother he needs, then please stop trying. Manny will be a better man in the long run if you did. What you are doing now is hurting his chances of ever being a well adjusted adult. I cannot sit by and let that happen.

  I do not expect a reply from you, nor do I really want one. There is nothing to debate or discuss concerning Manny's reactions to years of your behavior, the seriousness of your actions, or our move.

  If you really love Manny, do the best thing for him and stop hurting him. That either means you need to get REAL treatment for your serious substance abuse problem (as well
as behavioral disorders) or just stop contact all together.

  All future communication between us will occur over email or through our attorneys.

  Regards,

  Matt

  It took her a week to reply, but she finally found it in herself to write me back.

  Matt, the way that you communicate with me is aggressive, I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish, because I do not present any threat to you and the aggression doesn’t hurt me, it ultimately hurts Manny. I made some poor decisions that day at the airport, but it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that I don't love Manny. I wasn't charged at all, and you're not in communication with any detective- you just made that up. And, I don't believe at all that Manny doesn't want to talk to me. Also, when you've contacted my Dad and siblings, it hasn't been well-received. You're not part of our family, Manny is, but not you. In the end they're on my side. That sentiment is clear.

  I wish that you would get over your grudge against me and we could just teamwork Manny. I'm upset with you right now, but I'll let the negativity drop for Manny's good, whether or not you're willing to do the same.

  I somehow doubt she will ever understand her actions. I was certain that no matter how many times I spelled out her hurtful behavior, she would never change.

  The doorbell rang and my long time friend from Southern California was there to buy my car. We sat drinking beer, discussing Mormonism, and smoking cigarettes before parting ways. He was another friend who was always so close geographically that I never took advantage of. I had had friends all along willing to help.

  I made a few more runs to the dumpster with filled trash bags before calling it quits that night. The next day was a day to remember. Talking with Courtney that night on the phone I could think of nothing but the future I had planned with her, and the unknown of the adventure I had just begun.