If Forever Comes

by A. L. Jackson

  It is time.

  Those three words. Who knew they could be so destructive? Every time they were said, I lost a little more.

  Hopelessly, I searched Natalie’s face. “What does that mean, she’s going to try?”

  She shook her head, her words subdued with regret. “I honestly don’t know. But I’m worried she’s not capable of making the right decisions in her current state of mind. She can’t see through her grief, and I have no idea what’s really going on in her head. But the one thing I do know is the two of you belong together. Nothing is going to be right for either of you until you are.”

  Matthew leaned forward, sitting on the very edge of his seat. “If she really is messing around with this guy, is it going to change anything? I mean, fuck, Christian.” His gaze fell on Natalie who fidgeted at my side. Adoration filled his eyes. His head slowly shook as he turned back to me. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you and Elizabeth have gone through, but I can guarantee you if I did, I wouldn’t stop until I got Natalie back.”

  Tremors shook me, and I dropped my attention to the floor. Would it change the way I felt? Knowing she’d been with someone else? I swallowed hard. It would kill me. God, could I see through it?

  Sitting back, I laid my head on the back of the couch as I crammed the heels of my hands against my eyes. A tortured groan flooded from my open mouth. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

  But I already knew the answer to that. There was only one.

  I had to get her back.

  Present Day, Early October

  “Are you ready, sweetie?” I leaned on the doorframe of Lizzie’s room and crossed my arms over my chest as I watched my daughter pack for her first sleepover.

  “Almost…I just gotta get my toothbrush.” She was on her knees, stuffing her backpack full of things I was sure she really didn’t need—Barbies and little dolls, markers and stickers, and about different pairs of shoes.

  Amusement tugged at me. This little girl was just too cute. I bit back my laughter as she struggled to close her zipper. “Do you really think you need to take all those dolls with you?” I asked.

  “Uh-huh. Adriana has the same kind and we’re going to play with them all night,” she drew out.

  I was betting she’d be asleep by ten.

  She clamored to her feet, her little legs taking her as fast as they could as she rushed by me into the hall. I heard her digging through the drawer in her bathroom. She was back in seconds. She stuffed her toothbrush case into the side pocket, slung her backpack on her back, and grabbed her pink sleeping bag. She grinned as she rocked back on her heels. “All ready!”

  “All right, let’s get you over there.”

  She raced downstairs, and I followed her out into the cool evening air. I raised the garage door, and Lizzie climbed into the backseat of my car. I backed out and put the car in drive, couldn’t stop my smile as I glanced at my over-eager daughter through the rearview mirror. A suggestion of joy hinted at my heart, slowly pumping, pulsing through my veins. I drew in a breath.

  “Are you excited,” I asked, knowing full well just how excited she was.

  “I can’t even wait!” she squealed from her spot, holding her sleeping bag snugly on her lap.

  At the stop sign at the end of the street, I peered at her reflection, searching, making sure my six-year-old child was really ready to take this big girl step.

  I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready for it.

  “Are you nervous at all?” My eyes narrowed in question.

  She was growing up so fast. And the last few months had been such a blur. I felt as if I’d missed so much. Now, I had the urge to hold on, to cling to her, to relearn my little girl. No doubt, I’d missed much that had shaped her, missed all those little things that had been important to her life.

  And as important as the little things were, I had to accept that I’d essentially been absent as Lizzie had to deal and grow accustomed to the trauma she’d been dragged through over the last few months. There was no question it had made a huge impact on her life. Lives had been ripped apart when Lillie’s had ended, the hopes and dreams we’d all had crushed.

  Sadness thrummed, beat along with that joy I now felt slipping through my veins.

  God, these conflicting emotions were overwhelming.

  I knew I had to talk to her about it, that I had to talk, when I’d done so very little of it since Lillie had been taken from us. Fear held me back, though, fear of opening myself up to the profusion of pain. But for Lizzie, I would, and I’d have to do it soon.

  Lizzie’s gaze drifted out the window, and she seemed to ponder my question. She slowly turned back to me. “I don’t think so, Mommy. Maybe a little bit. My tummy kind of feels funny, but I think it’s in a good way.”

  A soft smile curved my mouth. She was truly the most amazing child, the depth of her, the way she thought, and the keen way she looked at the world. I studied the road then glanced at her.

  “Well, you know my cell phone number, right? If you feel scared at all or just want to talk, you can tell Adriana’s mommy that you want to call me, okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy.”

  I turned right onto a narrow neighborhood street and pulled up behind the line of cars parked on either side of the road.

  Lizzie was already unbuckled and out the door by the time I went around to her side. She ran up the walkway ahead of me, scrambling up two steps to the ranch-style house, the front lined with lush trees. The front door opened before she had the chance to ring the bell.

  Logan stepped out, waving behind him.

  “Hey you two.” He flashed a wide smile when he noticed us there. He tapped Lizzie’s nose. “Are you excited for the party?” he asked her.

  “Yes! I’m the most excited in my whole life. Is Kelsey already here?”

  “She sure is. Already inside.” He inclined his head toward the door. “You better go catch up with her. She was asking for you.”

  “Okay.” Lizzie raced inside.

  I cast a small smile at Logan as I edged toward the entrance. “I’m glad Kelsey will be here tonight. That makes me feel better.”

  “Me, too. I’ve been worrying about this all day.” He huffed a sigh. “Guess it’s time to let them grow up a bit.” He ambled down the two steps, turned to the side so he could slide by me. He gestured back to the house with his chin. “It’s pure mayhem in there. Prepare yourself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much pink in my life.”

  I laughed and shook my head. “Thanks for the warning.”

  “Not a problem.”

  I stepped through the door and into the chaos happening inside. Girls ran, squealing as they howled with laughter. Streamers and balloons hung from what seemed every surface, confetti strewn across the entry table where the gifts were set. I set Lizzie’s gift down just as Dana, Adriana’s mom, rounded the corner.

  Amusement filled her face. “Oh, hi. I thought I saw Lizzie blaze by me about five seconds ago.”

  I offered an awkward smile as I tried to peer farther into her home. “Are you sure you can handle all these girls tonight?”

  “Pfft.” She waved a dismissive hand. “They’ll be great. As long as they’re having fun, I figure I can handle it.”

  “Well, you’re a brave woman.” I hesitated before I cast a cautious glance into the depths of her home. Turning back, I lowered my voice. “I really appreciate you having Lizzie. This is her first sleepover, so just give me a call if she can’t sleep or you need me to come pick her up or whatever.”

  Understanding slipped into her expression. “Of course, Elizabeth. But please don’t worry, I think they’ll all be fine. We have tons of stuff planned for them, so I figure they’ll all pass out by the time bedtime rolls around.”

  I nodded my thanks then slowly made my way to the end of the hall. The living space was large and open, the kitchen and family room separated only by a large island lined in barstools. Three little girls sat in the middle of the rug, playing dolls,
why another handful of them ran wildly from room to room.

  Apparently Lizzie was one of them.

  “Lizzie,” I called as one of the girls flew by, disappearing down another hall. “I’m heading out.”

  Lizzie came running, appearing out of nowhere. Laughing, she squeezed her arms around me. “I’ll miss you!”

  I hugged her back, hard and desperate and with all the love I had for my little girl. “You be a good girl, okay?”

  She nodded emphatically. “Don’t worry, Mommy. I’ll be just fine.” She almost looked like she was worried for me.

  I touched her chin. “Love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  Then she scampered off. I headed back down the entry hall, wished Dana good luck.

  The door snapped shut behind me, and I stood in the soft coolness of the setting night. I hugged myself and lifted my face to the sky. For a second, I stilled as one bright star flickered as it slowly seeped into view. Wind gusted in, scattering leaves across my feet.

  A soft puff of air escaped through my nose.

  I realized no matter what life threw our way, it still sped on.

  Shaking my head, I pushed my worries aside, wrapped my sweater a little tighter around myself, and headed down the walkway toward the street.

  Startled, I lost my footing when I caught a glimpse of Logan leaning against the front end of my car.

  I guess maybe I shouldn’t have been all that surprised.

  Tucking a sharp shot of air into my lungs, I pushed forward. I came to a stop two feet in front of him.

  “You doing okay? I can tell you aren’t all that thrilled about this,” he said with a concerned tilt of his head.

  With longing, I looked back at the house where I knew my daughter played. I pictured the smile that brightened every inch of her precious face, the joy gleaming in her expressive blue eyes, the fun she would surely have. Slowly I turned back to Logan, felt the corners of my eyes crease as I got lost in contemplation.

  Logan just leaned back, his hands stuffed in his pockets, completely at ease, casual as he watched me without all the expectations I’d been running from. Another flurry of wind whipped through the air, stirring up the messy chunks of his hair. It flopped in his face. He roughed it back, revealing both of his playful, green eyes.

  I wasn’t blind. I knew the man was attractive. But that had no bearing on why I liked him, why I liked being in his space.

  With Logan, nothing seemed forced, and he stood there watching me without the scrutiny of those who judged, those who wanted responses from me that I didn’t want to give.

  They’d wanted me to promise them I was okay when I wasn’t.

  Logan had never once asked me things I didn’t want to tell.

  Christian’s presence slipped just under the surface of my skin. And it hurt and it longed, whispered a call I didn’t think I’d ever be able to heed. Because that whisper burned, the memory of that beautiful man ingrained so deeply in my spirit that it now felt like a burden. He’d always be there, a part of me. There was no ridding myself of something so strong. He’d called me today. I’d let it go to voicemail because I just…couldn’t.

  I managed to push all thoughts of Christian down, tucked them inside where I hid everything else, and focused on Logan.

  I offered him a little honesty. “It’s hard for me to see her growing up like this.” I lifted my shoulders in a confounded shrug. “But then I’m so happy to see her this excited.” I paused, chewed at my lip before I fully leveled my eyes on him. “I just want her to be happy.”

  Simple.

  Just like I felt things were with Logan.

  “You’re a good mom, Liz.” His nod was slow and meaningful.

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” I said through a scoff, then shook it off. “Anyway, I better get going.” I pointed to my car as if asking him to remove himself from it.

  “You have plans tonight?”

  “No, not really. I’m just going to get some laundry done.”

  He laughed and turned his attention to the deepening sky. He was grinning when he looked back at me from the side, his arms crossed up high on his chest. “That’s really sad, Liz.” Those green eyes gleamed with the tease.

  I dropped my gaze to my feet and released a self-conscious chuckle. “Exciting, right?”

  “Not so much.” He shifted a little. “Listen…I have dinner simmering on the stove. Why don’t you come over? We can wallow in our little girls growing up together.”

  I took a single step back. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Oh, come on, how could it be a bad idea? I have dinner and wine. There aren’t many things better than that.”

  Over my shoulder, I gazed at the house. Lights glowed bright from all the windows. So much life was happening inside.

  I wanted to…I wanted to do something different than spending another night alone at my house. Each night this week it had just gotten harder to bear.

  Still, something held me back, a hesitation that hammered in my heart.

  Something that felt inherently wrong.

  “Why don’t you drive back to your house,” he continued, “leave your car, and you can ride over with me. That way you can have a glass of wine, relax, enjoy yourself a little.”

  I wavered, my head tipped to the side as I tried to decipher his intention. I wasn’t a fool. I saw it in his eyes, read it in his actions, the way he stayed just a little too long and talked just a little too much, the attraction that was there. I knew he wanted something to develop between us.

  Could it?

  Now?

  In time?

  I just didn’t know.

  As if he read every last one of my thoughts, he shook his head and laughed. “God, Liz, you worry too much. It’s just dinner.” His toothy grin was wide and without a trace of strain. Nonchalant.

  But was it? Was that what he really intended it to be? Is that what I intended? Because I was lonely. I could admit it now. I missed something, but I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it was that I was missing.

  I finally conceded, because in the end, I couldn’t stand the thought of walking into the emptiness of my house. “That sounds nice, I guess.”

  His smile widened even more. “You guess, huh?” He splayed his hand over his heart. “You wound me, Liz.”

  A sputter of laughter tripped from my mouth. I couldn’t help it.

  Then he stood and straightened himself out. “Let me grab my car, and I’ll follow you over.”

  “Okay,” I agreed.

  By the time I sat down in my car, I was shaking. I fumbled to get the key into the ignition. I glanced to where Logan was parked on the opposite side of the street, facing me.

  What was I doing?

  God, I had no idea.

  I had no idea what I felt or what I needed.

  Starting my car, I flipped a U-turn and headed back toward my house. Headlights gleamed in my rearview mirror, a constant reminder that a different man than the one I’d thought I’d spend my life with tailed me, followed with unknown intentions. I had a feeling tonight he would make them clear.

  I pulled into my garage and cut the engine. My heart skittered, and I couldn’t tell if it was a pleasant or unwelcomed sensation.

  I will try.

  I realized this was part of it, moving on, living. Hiding away was no longer an option.

  With the keypad, I tapped in the code and closed the garage. I started toward Logan’s car. I couldn’t help but grin when he ran around to the passenger door and opened it, dipped himself in an exaggerated bow.

  “Ma’am.”

  I laughed, and it felt good.

  Present Day, Early October

  Night steadily swallowed the heavens, a blanket of darkness strewn across the sky. Under it, I felt caged. Edgy. My headlights splayed across the road, the cabin dim, the high whine of my engine nipping at my ears as I sped the short distance from Matthew and Natalie’s house to Elizabeth’s.

&n
bsp; I didn’t matter if she was there or not. I’d wait.

  It was time.

  Time to bring all this shit out into the open. Grief fisted my chest, thrashed at my ribs as words that needed to be said, hurt that needed to be confessed.

  I knew Elizabeth had plenty of her own that needed to be shed.

  Impatience bounced my knee as I stopped at a red stoplight. Thirty seconds passed like an eternity. Finally, it changed, and I accelerated, surging through the thick evening traffic. I merged into the turn lane and made a left onto the narrow road. Trees rose up on every side. Lights glowed their warmth from the windows where families ate dinner within the walls of their houses, where they played and laughed and loved. This neighborhood had always felt that way. Safe. Peaceful. Like home.

  Twice I’d driven this road when I had been certain my heart would pound right out of my chest. Falter. Cease to sustain my life.

  The first was the day I’d come here not even knowing my daughter’s name, not knowing the circumstances of their lives or the pain my decisions had brought them. I’d been unprepared then for what I had found. Elizabeth living alone, without love, solely supporting the daughter I’d abandoned.

  That day had broken me, thrusting all my regrets and mistakes to the forefront. I’d finally had to accept the true consequences of the appalling choices I had made. But in that day, I’d still found light. A purpose. Hope. An inundating swell of devotion had pulsed steadily through my veins as I watched the two girls I loved with all of me embracing each other at the end of Elizabeth’s drive. That moment in time marked the day when I made the decision to take my family back. When I’d stood up, taken on the responsibility that had always been mine. When I finally knew I had to make it right.

  The second was today.

  As I inched my car down the quieted hush of the neighborhood street, my heart rate ratcheted high. It thundered to a roar in my ears and sloshed blood through my veins, pushed and pressed and tugged.

  I approached slowly.

  Three long blinks shielded my disbelieving eyes, the air punched from my lungs. I didn’t want to see. Still, I couldn’t help but look, as if I were drawn to the slaughter.