The Cherished Quilt

by Amy Clipston

  Chris entered the kitchen and was surprised to find Aenti Tillie and Onkel Hank still up. They were sitting next to each other at the table. “Hi. I thought you had gone to bed.”

  “We were just talking.” Onkel Hank pointed to a chair on the other side of the table. “Have a seat, son. Join us.”

  “Okay.” Chris dropped into the chair across from them.

  “Did you enjoy your party?” Onkel Hank asked.

  “Ya. It was fantastic. I was really surprised.” Chris looked at his aunt. “Danki for all you did to help plan it.”

  “Gern gschehne,” she said. “All I did was pick up the ice cream and give Emily suggestions for gifts.”

  Another wave of astonishment rushed through him. Emily had gone to great lengths to plan this party for him. “Danki.” He paused for a moment. “I just talked to mei mamm.”

  “Really?” Aenti Tillie’s eyes widened.

  “Ya.” Chris’s fingers traced the hem of the blue tablecloth as he spoke. “The phone was ringing when I came back to the haus. She said she wanted to wish me a happy birthday. We talked for quite a while. She said everyone is doing well.”

  “That’s great.” Onkel Hank glanced at Aenti Tillie and a silent conversation passed between them. He turned back toward Chris. “There’s something we want to discuss with you.”

  Although his aunt and uncle’s faces were pleasant, apprehension stiffened the muscles in Chris’s back, causing him to sit up straight. “What’s on your mind?”

  “Tillie and I have both noticed your friendship with Emily has grown lately.” Onkel Hank folded his hands on the table.

  “It’s apparent you care deeply for her,” Aenti Tillie said. “And I know the feelings are mutual. I could tell when she visited me earlier this week and asked for my help with the party. She was both excited and nervous about planning this party for you. It meant a lot to her.”

  “I care very deeply for her.” A weight lifted from his shoulders when he admitted the truth aloud. His happiness, however, deflated like a balloon when both his aunt and uncle frowned in unison. Something was very wrong.

  “While we’re froh you’ve become freinden, we’re also concerned.” Onkel Hank folded his hands on the table.

  “Was iss letz?” Chris asked. “Why are you concerned?”

  “Christopher,” Aenti Tillie began, “you’re our nephew, and we love you very much, but we’ve also known Emily all her life. We’ve watched her and her schweschdere grow up, and they are all steadfast in their faith.”

  Chris swallowed against a swelling lump as dread clamped down on him. Where were they going with this conversation?

  “Emily is baptized,” Aenti Tillie said slowly. “Are you?”

  Stunned, Chris stilled, shock stealing his words for a moment. This was not where he’d imagined the conversation would steer. “No.”

  “I didn’t think you were, because your mamm mentioned you weren’t baptized when I spoke to her a few months ago.” Her tone was gentle but firm. “You do realize Emily is forbidden from having a relationship with you since you aren’t baptized. In fact, she could get into trouble if anyone finds out you and Emily are seeing each other.”

  Bile rose in his throat. Of course he was aware it was forbidden for a baptized member to date a nonbaptized member of the church. Emily was probably already baptized since most Amish youth were baptized by the time they turned twenty. Chris had been living in a fantasy world where he believed he could have a relationship with Emily without even considering his status in the church.

  He should have known having a relationship with Emily was too good to be true. Why had Chris allowed himself to become so attached to her?

  Because she’s beautiful and perfect in every way.

  “We’re not officially seeing each other,” Chris said lamely. “I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend.”

  “Were you planning to ask her?” Aenti Tillie’s dark eyes challenged him.

  “Ya.” Chris ran his hand down his face as his body shook. His life was coming apart at the seams.

  “I’ve been concerned all week, but I didn’t know how to approach you about this,” Aenti Tillie continued, seemingly oblivious to his inner turmoil. “I almost said something to Emily on Monday, but I didn’t know what to say. I also didn’t feel it was my place to tell her you’re not baptized.”

  “Have you told her?” Onkel Hank asked.

  Chris shook his head. “No, I haven’t. It hasn’t come up in our conversations.”

  “You need to tell her,” Onkel Hank said gently. “And you have to tell her as soon as possible.”

  Chris frowned. “I know.”

  “It was apparent tonight that you and Emily have become attached to each other,” Aenti Tillie continued. “I spoke with Mattie earlier, and she’s delighted Emily met you. She told me Emily has always put her sisters’ needs before her own and never made an attempt to date. Now that Emily has become your freind, she seems much happier than ever before. Mattie is elated to see those changes in Emily.” She frowned. “I didn’t feel it was my place to tell her you’re not a member of the church. It’s your business, and you need to be the one to tell Emily. But you need to tell her soon, Christopher. You can’t let this friendship go any further. She has to know the truth.”

  Chris swallowed a groan as he placed both hands at the back of his neck. This was going to hurt Emily deeply. Veronica asked him to be careful with Emily’s heart. He squeezed his eyes shut. Veronica would be disappointed with him too. Why had he allowed his friendship with Emily to go this far? Why hadn’t he been smart enough to push her away?

  Because I fell in love with her.

  “Christopher,” Onkel Hank said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

  Chris opened his eyes to his aunt and uncle looking at him with sympathy.

  “You realize you can fix this problem easily, right?” Onkel Hank gave him a tentative smile. “You can join the baptism class in the spring in our church district. Join the church and then date Emily. Your aenti and I have plenty of land. We can help you build a haus, and maybe someday you and Emily can make it your home together.”

  “No.” Chris shook his head. “I’m not ready for that.”

  “What do you mean?” Aenti Tillie tilted her head to the side.

  “I’m not ready to join the church,” Chris said. “It’s not the right time.”

  “I don’t understand.” Aenti Tillie squinted at him. “Joining the church is a personal and private decision, but I have to ask you why. You live like an Amish man. You haven’t gone out into the world to live like an Englisher. Why don’t you want to join?”

  Chris licked his dry lips, considering his answer. Chris’s relationship with his father had been precarious for a long time, and since his father was the bishop, he’d never felt comfortable joining the baptism class in their church district.

  Then when Dat told Chris he was responsible for Gabriel’s death, Chris began doubting his relationship with God. And that made Chris wonder, would he have to confess his sins before the church district before the members would allow him to join the church? He couldn’t imagine standing in front of the congregation and detailing all the mistakes he’d made that day that led to Gabriel’s accident. It would be too painful.

  Onkel Hank and Aenti Tillie stared at him, their brows wrinkled. Chris didn’t know how to explain his complicated feelings to them.

  “I’m not sure when I’ll be ready or if I will ever be ready to join.” Chris spoke softly, then cleared his throat against a dry knot as his trembling fingers pulled at a loose thread at the seam of the tablecloth. “I will tell Emily I’m not baptized, and I’ll tell her we have to stop seeing each other.”

  He looked up to see that Aenti Tillie’s eyes had misted, and Chris held his breath, hoping she wouldn’t cry.

  “Christopher, I don’t understand why you won’t join the church.” She twisted a paper napkin as she spoke. “Onkel Hank and I are so froh you
came to live with us. We’d love to see you make a life here. Emily is a wunderbaar maedel, and you two would be so froh together.”

  “I know she’s wunderbaar.” But I’m not good enough for her. Or the church. He only deserved to be alone.

  Aenti Tillie’s face darkened. “Does this have something to do with your father?”

  Chris felt as though his stomach plummeted. He did not want to discuss this with them.

  “It’s late. I think we need to get to bed.” Chris pushed his chair back and stood. “Danki again for everything. I’ll see you in the morning.” He collected his birthday cards and gifts and exited the kitchen. He heard his aunt and uncle speaking in hushed tones as he climbed the stairs to his bedroom.

  Chris changed into shorts and a T-shirt and then dropped onto the bed. In the low light of the lantern, he stared at the birthday card from Emily, running his fingers over her neat handwriting.

  Cold knots of despair and shame tightened like a rope around his chest. Since he’d arrived in Bird-in-Hand, Emily had weathered his rudeness and his moods just to be his friend. Emily had broken down all the walls he’d built up around his heart, and she coaxed Chris out from behind them with their meaningful talks and her encouraging notes. She’d shown him love when he didn’t deserve it. Now he would repay her kindness with the bitter pill of his honesty, which would shatter her precious heart and her trust.

  A dull ache pierced his temples. Why hadn’t he even considered the issue of his baptism? The answer was clear—he’d been too blinded by Emily’s unwavering friendship and acceptance of him that he never took a step back to consider where their relationship might lead or how the rules of their community affected their future.

  And now Chris had to find a way to tell Emily the truth. He couldn’t bear to see pain in those beautiful blue eyes when he admitted he wasn’t baptized—and wouldn’t be anytime soon. She didn’t deserve the heartache he was going to cause her.

  Chris rested the card on his chest and closed his eyes. He was certain he wouldn’t sleep tonight. All his wonderful memories of time with Emily would torture him, as would imagining what life could have been like if they’d married and started a family.

  CHAPTER 19

  EMILY DRAPED CHRIS’S JACKET OVER HER ARM AND HUGGED it to her chest as she rushed down the rock path leading to the harness shop. Heat thrummed through her veins as she remembered the feel of his tender lips against her cheek last night. She’d fallen asleep replaying their conversation in her mind, and she’d dreamed of Chris walking her around the pasture while holding her hand and talking to her. She awoke this morning imagining their future together. She couldn’t wait to see him again.

  When she reached the harness shop, Emily yanked the door open and hurried inside. She waved at her father, who was talking to a customer, and then continued to the work area, where Chris and Hank sat side by side.

  “Gude mariye,” Emily sang as she hung the jacket on a peg on the wall beside his hat. “I brought your jacket.”

  Chris glanced up, and his blue-green eyes were dull with purple circles outlining his bottom lids. He looked almost ill. “Hi, Emily.”

  “Chris,” she gasped. “Was iss letz?” The light she’d seen in his eyes last night was gone, and he reminded her of the cold and distant man she’d seen when they first met. Had his nightmares returned? She longed to ask him, but she didn’t want to bring up such a private topic in front of his uncle.

  Chris turned to Hank. “Would it be all right if Emily and I went for a walk?”

  “Ya, ya.” Hank nodded. “Take your time, son.”

  “Danki.” Chris stood, put on his coat and hat, and gestured toward the front of the shop. “Let’s go for a walk around the pasture.”

  His eyes remained stoic, and worry rushed through her. Had something bad happened after he’d gone home last night?

  Dat drew his eyebrows together as she followed Chris out the door.

  “What’s going on?” she asked as they walked together toward Hank’s pasture.

  “We need to talk.” His tone was flat, causing her to shiver.

  The gray clouds above them mirrored the look that contorted his handsome face, and the air smelled like rain.

  “What is it? Did you have a bad nightmare?”

  “No. Yes.” He shoved his hand through his hair as his mouth formed a thin line.

  “Chris, you’re not making sense.” She stopped and reached for his hands, but he quickly shoved them into the front pockets of his trousers. Was this the same man who threaded his fingers through hers as they’d walked from Hank’s house to hers last night? She looked into his tired eyes.

  “I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

  “You were so froh last night. What happened after I left?”

  He gestured toward the pasture. “Let’s walk over there.”

  Emily held her breath as they approached the fence. She couldn’t shake the foreboding that had taken hold of her.

  Chris leaned forward against the fence, resting his forearms on the top rail and facing the horses frolicking in the field in front of them. His shoulder muscles stiffened as if he carried the weight of the world on them.

  “Chris.” Her voice trembled. “I can’t bear seeing you like this. Please talk to me. What’s going on? Have I done something to upset you?”

  “You?” His gaze swung to hers. “No, Emily. You could never do anything to hurt me.”

  “Then what is it?” Her voice rose with frustration. “Why are you so cold and distant after the intimate conversations we’ve shared? We’ve become close over the past few weeks, but you’re still shutting me out. I deserve your trust.” She reached for his face but stopped short, her fingers frozen in midair. “Tell me what’s going on. I can’t take this silence from you. Why couldn’t you sleep?”

  He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them again. “I need to tell you something.”

  She swallowed, and anxiety simmered inside of her. This is going to be bad—really, really bad.

  “I should have told you in the beginning.” He paused for a beat, keeping his eyes focused on the horses. “I’m not baptized.”

  “Okay.” She held her breath, waiting for him to continue speaking, but he remained silent. “Is that it?” Relief loosened the knot forming in her stomach.

  He turned toward her. “You know what that means, right?”

  “Of course I do. We can’t date until you’re baptized. You can join the baptism class in the spring, and after you’re baptized in the fall, we can officially be together.” Her words were presumptuous, but she was certain he wanted to date her after the way he’d kissed her cheek last night. Still, she hedged. “I mean, only if you want to date me. I didn’t mean to sound so arrogant.”

  When his face became pained, her eyes widened with renewed fear. This was bad, very bad. Her hands trembled with her worry.

  “We can’t be together at all,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “I’m not going to be baptized. I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you.”

  “I-I don’t understand,” she stammered. Confusion grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. Had she misread her friendship with Chris? Had everything they’d shared been a lie? “Do you care about me, Chris?”

  “Ya.” His voice hitched.

  Emily looked into his eyes, searching for any trace of a lie and coming up short. This didn’t make any sense at all, and she yearned to comprehend it. Why was he talking in circles?

  “Please be honest with me.” Her words wobbled with renewed anguish. “I want the truth and only the truth. Tell me how you feel, no matter how much it might hurt me. Do you have any feelings for me at all?”

  Chris rubbed his chin and then nodded. “I care deeply for you, Emily.”

  “If that’s true, then why would you choose not to be with me?”

  “I can’t be baptized.” He took a deep breath in through his nose, and his bottom lip trembled. “I’m stuck between two
worlds. I don’t belong in the English community, but I’m not a member of the Amish community.”

  “You’re not making any sense.” She furrowed her brow. “You’re an Amish man.” She pointed toward his clothes. “You live and act like one. You were raised in an Amish household, and your father is a bishop. You live in the Amish community and work in an Amish shop. If you care about me, why don’t you want to join the church so we can start a life together?”

  “It’s not that simple. The faith doesn’t come as easily to me as it does to you. I don’t belong to this community, and I don’t belong to the one back home.”

  Exasperation shoved away her emotional pain and then surged through her entire body. “That’s not true,” she said, her voice rising to a shout. “Your mamm reached out to you. Your family loves you, but you’re too stubborn to see it.”

  Chris heaved a deep sigh. “You’re not listening to me.”

  “Ya, I am listening to you, but I don’t like what I’m hearing. You’re so blind you don’t see what’s right in front of your eyes.”

  He shook his head. “No, it’s more than that. Your parents are loving and supportive, and all mei dat has done is tear me down since Gabriel died. The truth is I think he’s always thought of me as a failure, and I only made it worse. You know who you are and what you want. You probably knew from the time you were a little girl that you wanted to be a member of the church. I have no idea who I am or where I belong.”

  “How can you say that?” She nearly spat the words at him as vehemence jolted her body. “Doesn’t our friendship mean anything to you?”

  “Of course it does.” He wore a wounded expression. “It means everything to me, Emily.”

  “Then why don’t you want to join the church? Are you going to let your dat’s cruel words restrain you from living a froh life?”

  Chris sucked in a breath as tears flooded his eyes and then spilled down his cheeks. She repressed her urge to wipe away his tears and comfort him. For a moment she couldn’t speak. She felt as though a hole had been punched through her rib cage.