The Cherished Quilt

by Amy Clipston

  “I don’t understand.” Suddenly her tears fell like rain, soaking her black sweater. “You’re standing here crying with me. If it hurts so much to push me away, then why aren’t you holding me close instead? Why are you punishing yourself and me?”

  “I’m not punishing you.” His face was a mask of suffering and pain. “I’m saving you from the misery of being stuck with me for the rest of your life.”

  “The misery of being stuck with you?” Emily gave a sardonic laugh. “The misery I feel now is from not being able to be with you, Chris.” Despair squeezed her lungs, making it hard to breathe. “Don’t you understand how I feel about you? Aren’t my emotions written on my face when I look at you?”

  His eyes darkened. “I’m not worth your time.”

  “Is that what your dat told you? That you’re not worth anyone’s time?” She paused, but when he hesitated, she continued. “If he did, then your dat is wrong, and you’re wrong too.”

  Chris wiped his hands down his cheeks. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, Emily.”

  “Yes, I do.” Fury pushed away her grief. “The moment I saw you, I knew you needed a freind, and I’ve tried my best to help you. I see now that I’ve done all I can do for you. Now you need to reach out to God.”

  “Emily, I don’t think—”

  She held up her hand to silence him. “If you come to God broken, he will heal you and make you whole again.” A renewed confidence gripped her as she continued. “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and open your eyes, Christopher. There is a whole community out here who loves you, but you won’t give us a chance. You choose to separate yourself from God and from the rest of your community. You have to stop pushing away all the people who care about you.”

  When his eyes showed he remained unconvinced, she pointed toward her parents’ house. “Don’t you remember how John immediately took a liking to you? And I’ve seen you talk to mei dat, Jason, Mike, and your onkel. We’ve all accepted you into our community. It’s become your community. Why can’t you see that?”

  Chris gaped at her but remained silent, and his silence sliced at her soul. After their romantic talk last night, Emily imagined he’d ask her to be his girlfriend today. She never imagined he’d tell her they couldn’t be together.

  “If you’ve changed how you feel about me, then just tell me,” she said, her tone tight with betrayal as her hands shook. “Please don’t blame it on my community.”

  Chris closed his eyes and shook his head. “Emily, I’m trying to tell you that you are not the problem.” He tapped his chest over his heart. “I’m the problem. I don’t belong here, and I don’t belong with someone as special as you.”

  “But I’m telling you I want to be with you, Chris.” Her words radiated with her desperation. “I think God sent you here for a reason, and maybe that reason was for us to find each other.”

  Something enigmatic flickered across Chris’s face, but then his somber look prevailed. “I’m sorry. I can’t be with you.”

  Emily swallowed a sob. “So that’s it? It’s over?”

  Chris gave her a curt nod. “Ya. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

  “I’m sorry too,” she managed to say before turning to run home.

  HOT TEARS FLOWED DOWN EMILY’S CHEEKS AS SHE THREW herself up the stairs and into the sewing room. Mamm and her sisters looked up from their sewing projects as Emily dropped onto a chair by the door.

  “Emily!” Mamm gasped, leaning over to her. “What happened?”

  “What’s wrong?” Veronica demanded.

  “Are you okay?” Rachel chimed in.

  Emily opened her mouth to speak, but a sob stole her words. She covered her face with her hands as her body shook under the weight of her despair. A chair scraped the floor and then tender, protective arms encircled Emily and pulled her close.

  “Ach, mei liewe,” Mamm whispered against her ear. “Calm down and tell us what happened.”

  “We’re here for you, Em,” Rachel whispered, her voice thick.

  “Please tell us what happened, sweet Emily,” Veronica said.

  Emily took deep, quivering breaths as she tried to calm her body. She opened her eyes and Rachel handed her a box of tissues. Emily wiped a tissue across her cheeks and then blew her nose.

  “I just went to see Chris.” Her body shook with her frustration and grief. “He looked as if he hadn’t slept last night, and he told me he hadn’t. He said he wanted to go for a walk to talk in private.” She told them what Chris said, and her mother’s and sisters’ faces darkened as she spoke. “I tried to convince him to join the church, but he said he can’t. And he said we can’t be together.”

  A sob broke free from deep inside of her, and tears began anew. Her heart shattered as she recalled the pain in his eyes.

  “I don’t understand,” Rachel said. “It was so obvious how froh he was last night.”

  Veronica reached over and squeezed Emily’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Em. I thought you and Chris would be the next ones to get married.”

  “I did too,” Emily said softly, her voice shaking through her tears. “I thought he was the one. We seemed to relate so well. He was my best freind. But now all my dreams are dashed. I don’t understand. I thought he loved me too.”

  Mamm’s eyes glimmered with tears. “I can’t stand to see you in so much pain, Emily. I’m so sorry, and I know how you feel. I promise you things will get better. You feel as if your world is falling apart right now, but God has the perfect plan for you. It may not make sense in the moment, but everything will fall into place.”

  “Maybe you need to just give him time,” Veronica said. “He’s been through a lot with losing his bruder. You also mentioned he has problems with his dat. Maybe he needs to work through all those issues before he can completely focus on his place in the church and his relationship with you.”

  Emily sighed. “I don’t think so. He was adamant. I think I’ve lost him.” Her focus moved to the dresses on the sewing table. She needed a distraction. “How can I help with the dresses?”

  “No, Em.” Rachel’s eyes were fierce. “You are not going to take the focus off of yourself. We are here to support you, right?” She looked from Mamm to Veronica, and they both nodded in agreement. “If you want to talk about Chris, then we will listen. We’re completely devoted to you.”

  Emily appreciated her sister’s support, but she didn’t want to discuss her crushed dreams. “It’s okay, Rach. There’s nothing else to say. Chris has made his decision, so I’d rather talk about your wedding and work on the dresses.”

  Rachel arched a dark eyebrow.

  “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Really.” Emily pointed toward the sewing table. “Tell me how I can help you.”

  Rachel paused, and then her shoulders relaxed. “All right. I could actually use your help with this one seam. It’s not lining up the way I want it to.”

  Emily moved over to the sewing table. As she worked, Chris’s face filled her mind.

  Would the ache in her chest ever go away?

  CHAPTER 20

  DESPONDENCY BOGGED CHRIS’S STEPS AS HE REENTERED THE harness shop and slowly walked toward the work area. He was grateful the only other person there was Onkel Hank, and both the customer and Leroy were gone. He sat on his stool and stared down at the wallet he’d been creating before Emily arrived.

  Although his eyes were focused on the wallet, his mind was stuck on the torment and betrayal he’d witnessed in Emily’s eyes before she took off running toward her house. He shuddered. How could he hurt her that way? She didn’t deserve it. It would’ve been better if he’d never met her at all. He’d broken her heart. He’d been nothing but a detriment to her and her family.

  I’m nothing but a failure.

  Chris closed his eyes and sucked in a shuddering breath as agony dug into his shoulders and clamped down on his chest.

  “Leroy went to get supplies.” Onkel Hank broke through Chris’s mental tir
ade. “He won’t be back for a while.”

  Chris cleared his throat and took a tremulous breath.

  “We sold the last of your wallets and coin purses earlier. That means we have to get busy making more.”

  “Oh.” Chris’s voice was shaky.

  “Christopher.”

  He turned toward his uncle, who was looking at him, sympathy in his brown eyes.

  “Talk to me, son.” Onkel Hank placed his tools on the table.

  “Emily didn’t take it well.”

  Onkel Hank gave him a bleak smile. “I didn’t expect her to take it well. It’s obvious she cares about you. I would even go so far as to say she loves you.”

  “I never meant to hurt her.” Guilt soured in Chris’s stomach like curdled milk. “I was just honest with her and explained I can’t be with her. I’m not worthy of her.” He stared at his hands. “I didn’t tell you and Aenti Tillie this last night, but I don’t think I’m worthy of the church either, and that’s why I can’t be baptized. I don’t know where I belong.” He hated the desperation resonating through his distraught tone. He stared down at the unfinished wallet, hoping he could keep his threatening tears at bay.

  “I understand how you feel.”

  Chris’s gaze flicked up to meet his uncle’s. “What do you mean?”

  Onkel Hank touched his long beard as a faraway look overtook his eyes. “I met Tillie when I was nineteen, and I wasn’t yet baptized. She’d been baptized for two years. I was feeling pretty lost and confused until I met her and my life fell into place. I was baptized, and we married a year later.”

  Chris let his uncle’s story filter through his mind. It was too easy, too straightforward. “What do you mean, you felt lost?” He touched the piece of leather on the worktable.

  Onkel Hank leaned an elbow on the table. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you I have an older bruder who left the Amish church and was shunned.”

  “Ya,” Chris said. “Onkel Naaman. He lives in Baltimore and works as a police officer.”

  “That’s right.” Onkel Hank’s bushy brown eyebrows rose. “I’m surprised mei schweschder shared that with you.”

  “Why wouldn’t she tell me about your bruder?” Chris asked, still tracing his fingertips over the leather.

  “I know how strict your dat is, and I assumed he wouldn’t want to discuss someone, especially a family member, who had left the faith.”

  “That’s true. I don’t think Dat has ever mentioned his name, but Mamm has.” Chris tilted his head. “What did Onkel Naaman have to do with your confusion?”

  “I always looked up to Naaman, so it was a real shock to me when he left the church. Even though my two younger schweschdere had been baptized, I wasn’t certain if I should join the church or follow Naaman to the English world. When I met Tillie, I realized I belonged here with her.” He paused, looking at Chris for a moment. “Do you feel Emily pulling you toward the church?”

  Chris shrugged. “I don’t know what I feel. I’m sort of numb.”

  “Do you love Emily?”

  Although his heart responded with a resounding yes, Chris couldn’t say the word aloud. “I’m not sure.”

  Onkel Hank sighed. “You’re confused, and you shouldn’t be baptized if your heart isn’t right with God.”

  “I know.” Chris ran his hand down his face as misery took root deep in his gut. He’d come to Bird-in-Hand to start a new life, but now he was just as tormented as he had been back home in Sugarcreek.

  “That doesn’t mean I think you should give up on the community, Emily, or yourself. You’re still young, Chris. You still have time to be baptized.”

  His uncle’s encouraging words did little to stop the pain twisting in Chris’s gut.

  The door to the harness shop opened, and Leroy’s voice sounded from the front of the shop. “How about you two get off your behinds and help me unload this truck?”

  Onkel Hank chuckled. “We’d better go help him.”

  “All right.” Chris stood, and Onkel Hank patted his shoulder.

  “It will all work out, son. And you’re always welcome here with us. You can stay as long as you like, even if you decide not to join the church.”

  Chris followed his uncle out to the driveway, still agonizing over what his future would bring and where he belonged.

  “HOW ARE YOU FEELING?”

  Emily peeked up from the quilting magazine she’d been thumbing through. Rachel was clad in a white nightgown, her thick, dark hair hanging loose to her waist as she stood in the doorway. Her pretty face and dark eyes were tense with concern.

  “I’m all right.” That was a bald-faced lie, but she didn’t want to add to the anxiety already stiffening Rachel’s shoulders. Emily had spent the day trying to come to terms with her loss, but her chest and head still ached with the reality of Chris’s painful words. After dinner she’d taken a shower and then headed to her room, where she’d looked through magazines by the light of her lantern and a pumpkin spice–scented candle.

  Rachel pointed at Emily’s bed. “May I join you?”

  “Ya.” Emily patted the quilt beside her.

  Rachel climbed in next to her, and they both snuggled down and stared at the dark ceiling. The shadow from the candle flame danced there, and the scent of pumpkin sweetened the air, mocking Emily’s grim mood. Memories of staying up late while talking to her sisters engulfed Emily, and the reality of Rachel’s wedding punched her in the gut.

  “I can’t believe you’re moving out soon.” Emily’s words were thick with the grief flourishing inside of her.

  Rachel turned toward her with a sad smile. “Ya, that’s true. It’s coming fast.”

  “Too fast.” Tears stung Emily’s eyes, and she tried in vain to swallow them. She’d lost her first love and now her second sister was going to move out. It was too much for her to process at once.

  “I won’t be far away.” Rachel touched Emily’s arm. “I promise we’ll visit all the time.” She grinned. “You’re a better cook and seamstress, and I’ll need your help all the time.”

  Emily gave her a watery smile. “You know I’ll always help you.”

  “I’m going to miss seeing you every day.”

  “Nah.” Emily shook her head. “You won’t. You’ll have Mike and John to keep you busy, and I imagine you’ll have more family members soon.”

  “I hope so.”

  “You will.” Emily squeezed Rachel’s hand.

  They stared at the ceiling in an amiable silence for a few moments. Despite Emily’s efforts to keep her thoughts focused on her sisters, her mind betrayed her, and she recalled the feel of Chris’s warm lips as they brushed her cheek last night. Why had she allowed him to get so close and then steal her heart?

  “I think he loves you,” Rachel said as if sensing her thoughts.

  “What?” Emily rolled to her side and looked at Rachel. “Why?”

  “It was so obvious at the party last night. I could tell by the way he smiled at you and the pure adoration in his eyes when he opened the tool set you gave him. It was written all over his face.”

  Emily should have been thrilled by her sister’s words, but instead they seemed to drive the knife deeper into her soul. She flopped onto her back and looked up at the ceiling.

  “Em? I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “It’s not that.” Emily rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. “I just don’t know what to do. Really, there’s nothing I can do. If he doesn’t join the church, we can’t be together. I thought I found the man I would marry. Now I’m worse off than before I met him because all he’s given me is a broken heart coupled with broken dreams. I never imagined this would happen.”

  “I’m sorry, Em.”

  Rachel was silent for a few moments as the shadow of the candle’s flame sputtered across the ceiling.

  “What do you think Mammi would say about this situation?” Rachel asked.

  Emily turned toward her again. “I don’t know. What do yo
u think?”

  Memories of Mammi rushed over Emily. She recalled sitting at her grandmother’s kitchen table with her sisters, eating grilled cheese, drinking chocolate milk, and talking. She could almost smell the aroma of her grandmother’s house now—vanilla infused with freshly baked bread . . . and happiness.

  More tears threatened Emily’s eyes. Life was so simple when she was a little girl. She didn’t have to contend with the pain of broken relationships and confusing feelings.

  “Well, I think Mammi would tell you to pray for Chris,” Rachel said. “She’d say only God can heal Chris’s heart and help him see he not only needs the community, but he belongs in the community. If we pray, maybe Chris will realize he’s already a part of the community even though he doesn’t see it yet.”

  A tear traced Emily’s cheek as she looked at Rachel. “You’re right. Danki.”

  “Gern gschehne.” Rachel squeezed her hand, and Emily silently thanked God once again for her sisters.

  CHRIS LEANED HIS ELBOW ON THE ARM OF THE CHAIR AND stared out across his uncle’s pasture as he sat on the porch Sunday afternoon. He slumped back, breathed in the brisk fall air, and then yawned. He hadn’t slept much at all last night, but it wasn’t nightmares about his brother that had kept him awake. Instead, it was the haunting memory of the pain in Emily’s eyes. An icy shudder moved up his spine as he recalled their conversation yesterday morning. He hated that he’d hurt her so badly, but he couldn’t accept her insistence that he belonged in this community. She had to be wrong. She just had to.

  Instead of facing her at church this morning, he’d told his aunt and uncle he wasn’t feeling well, and he stayed in his room all day, flipping through books and trying to nap.

  You’re a coward, Christopher Hochstetler.

  He scowled and ran his hands down his face. As usual, his gruff inner voice was right. He was a coward, but running away was the only way he knew to deal with his heartache.