Heart of Steel

by Samantha M. Derr

  "As long as you're good with that sword and get us there alive, I don't really care how funny you are. But it's nice to know you're not going to be waxing poetic about that queen of yours every moment of the day. Chivalry is sexy, but less so when it's directed at another woman."

  Rae felt a slight blush creep across her cheeks and was glad that Lilah could not see her. She was suddenly aware of how close Lilah was to her, her hands nearly on her hips, her legs wrapped around hers. The king's daughter was a beauty, she had to admit. Lilah had light-brown skin and shockingly black hair, almost as black as night. Her emerald green eyes favoured her father, but her high cheekbones and full rose-red lips must surely be inherited from her mother. Her looks alone would catch many a nobleman's attention, but her blood would make her only more of a valuable acquisition.

  "I do not think you will have to worry about," Rae said. "I believe you will have many a lord fight for your hand, and seeing your skills, I do not think you need another to protect your honour."

  "Adrenaline and years of looking after myself, that's all. I'm still shaking about it, honestly. If Mika hadn't been there, they probably would have got me. It's that stupid protective instinct. That's how I ended up with all those cats and the boy's friends eating at my table every other night."

  "It is not an unfortunate thing to be compassionate."

  "It is when you've had the day I've had."

  "We'll stop tonight at an inn and you can get some real rest," Rae said as a comfort. "It will be safer for us to remain in populated areas. We'll have a good meal and you'll sleep well. That has always helped me even on the worst of days."

  "Got any spots in mind? There's a place just outside of Millcreek, pal of mine owns it, and we'd be pretty safe there. We should make it just before nightfall if we keep on the King's Road."

  Rae's stomach growled. "As long as they have a kitchen, I will be happy."

  *~*~*

  Fiona's was a rowdy place, but Rae was pleased with how busy it was. She watched as Lilah greeted the barkeep and paid for their rooms and supper. Lilah came back and brought Rae to the end of a long table where several others sat, drinking merrily and singing. A waitress brought both of them a heaping bowl of stew and a mug of ale. Rae ate quickly and the waitress brought her a second bowl, winking at her as she took the first away.

  "They're pretty booked up, so I only managed a room with one bed," Lilah said apologetically. "If you keep your hands to yourself, we should be fine."

  "I'll take the floor," Rae insisted.

  "Don't you start treating me like I'm all high and mighty," Lilah said, pointing at her with her piece of hardened bread. "If I'm going to be a peasant for a few more days, I'm going to enjoy it. So I'm going to have a few drinks and dance with someone pretty. You're welcome to join me or brood in the corner, whatever it is you like to do in your spare time."

  "Another drink will do me well," Rae admitted, "but only one more. I am here to protect you. Enjoy yourself, Lilah, truly."

  Lilah smiled at her and finished her meal. When both were done, Rae ordered a glass of brandy and sat by the fire, keeping her eye on the makeshift dance floor. Patrons had pushed the tables to the side and a young girl played a fiddle for them. Lilah was quite a terrible dancer, but she seemed to enjoy herself, reeling around with these strangers and friends.

  Rae allowed herself another drink, watching her still. It was a local jig she hadn't seen for years in which dancers kissed the partners that they landed on at the end of each verse. It was silly and mostly Lilah ended up placing chaste kisses on each cheek as the others did. But a particularly handsome man kissed her full on the mouth and the crowd cheered. Lilah grinned, bouncing her eyebrows at him. Rae felt uncomfortable and signaled for Lilah to come over.

  "It is near midnight," Rae said firmly. "It is time to rest."

  "You're no fun," Lilah teased. "Come on, dance with me first."

  "I am no dancer."

  "Clearly I'm not either. Come on, I'm not the only one who had a near-death experience today and how better to watch me? One dance, Ser Knight, and then I promise I'll go to bed."

  Rae relented and Lilah pulled her into the next reel. At the end of the verse, Rae faced an old woman with a big toothless smile, and Rae chuckled before kissing her forehead, being too tall to reach her cheeks easily. Rae went down the line, clapping and stomping. Two more verses ended, each bringing her back to the old woman, who she accused of cheating.

  Yet on the fourth, she found herself across from Lilah. Rae kissed her on the mouth, and Lilah blushed, pulling away.

  "I am perfectly capable of having fun," Rae teased.

  "If you weren't taken, I'd say we go upstairs and see what sort of fun we could get up to," Lilah said. "But I guess sleeping will have to do. Good-night, new friends!"

  Lilah led Rae up to their room, which was clearly the attic of the inn made into a barely functioning resting place. Without any hesitation, Lilah changed into her nightshirt and started to clean her teeth at the basin left for them.

  Rae turned away as she undressed and commented, "You are handling all of this surprisingly well, Lilah."

  Lilah spat out her charcoal. "To be honest, Sir Knight, I'm terrified. But I'm a tough girl and I know better than to just stew."

  Lilah waited until Rae was dressed again and turned back to face her. Lilah took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the bed, the bravado on her face falling.

  Lilah admitted, "I expect I will not survive long after we get to the capital. I trust you, you seem like an honest person, but I'm not a fool. I went with you to protect Mika and the rest of my neighbourhood. I've been lucky; I've gotten a lot more years than I thought I would. So I'm trying to enjoy myself and act like me so I don't fall apart. You strike me as someone who would understand that."

  Rae knelt before her on one knee and took her hands in hers. "I loved your father, Lilah. I served him as a friend as much as my liege. I will not fail his only child."

  "The woman you love may order you otherwise," Lilah said. "I once tried to make myself known when I was young, and she ordered your brothers in arms to escort me from the city. She made it clear then that I was not welcome. Perhaps six years has changed her mind, but I do not think it's likely."

  "I am a woman of my word, Lilah."

  "But you're not a woman, are you?" Lilah asked quietly. Rae's heart leapt into her throat as Lilah continued, "I'm not talking about what you've got between your legs. You've got a man's heart. I can see it in the way you hold yourself, the way you speak… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, I just wanted to make sure I was addressing you correctly. I should have thought before I spoke."

  Rae considered lying, but Lilah was not asking out of any malice, only sincerity. And Rae felt like she could trust her.

  "You're right. I am a man. It's something I only figured out a few years ago. I'm happy with my name, my life, but my body doesn't feel right to me. It's not a big deal, I guess. Gender doesn't matter in the Royal Guard. We're all treated the same, and if I asked to be listed as a man, few—if any—would care. I thought a lot of people don't like how their bodies look and I could live with it."

  "But why should you have to live with it?" Lilah asked. "You know it's something you could change, and if it would make you happy…"

  "My queen makes me happy," Rae said, "and she loves me the way I am."

  "And you think she wouldn't love you as a man?"

  Rae said nothing.

  "Fine, we won't talk about her then," Lilah conceded. "Let's talk about you."

  "What about me?" Rae said, trying to sound teasing and not accusing. "You seem to have worked out the two secrets I have. What more do you need to know, brewmistress?"

  "You said you didn't like how your body looked. I know a way you can change it."

  "Oh?" Rae asked, laughing coldly. "Have you become an alchemist when I wasn't looking?"

  "No, but I know a few," Lilah said. "In the west, back in Barroway. They
make potions for everything, and I've met a woman who changes people to who they wish to be. There're a lot of women in my field who wanted their bodies to look like their sister's. I've seen her magic, Rae."

  "It sounds illegal."

  "Unlicensed, technically. I just wanted to let you know, just in case you ever change your mind. Your queen shouldn't decide your life for you, Rae, no matter how good she is with her hands."

  "She is my liege and my love," Rae snapped, "and I would not speak of her so if I were you."

  Lilah put her hands up. "Fine, I take it back. I'm sure she's the epitome of grace and charm. I'm sure she'll be the perfect step mother."

  "I'm sorry," Rae said quietly. "I was too harsh."

  "It's fine," Lilah said. "Come on, we should get some sleep. I don't know about you, but that's the longest I've ever been on a horse at one time. I might take up most of the bed because I just can't shut my legs."

  Rae got in beside her, stiffening as Lilah curled into her.

  "Do you think the boy's okay?" Lilah asked. "You meant what you said, right, that if something happened to me you'd look after him?"

  "I keep my promises," Rae told her, snuffing out the candle.

  Lilah said sleepily, "That sounds like something you would do."

  *~*~*

  The second day on horseback, Lilah sat in front and Rae had her arms around her. Despite her confession yesterday, Rae had asked Lilah to speak of her as a woman for the time being. It was something she wished to deal with in her own time and not before. Lilah did not push the issue.

  Lilah was quiet, even when they purchased a room for the night and meals in a nearby tavern. They did not speak through dinner or even as they readied for sleep. They lay in their own individual beds, staring at the ceiling in the dark.

  "I can hear you thinking even from here," Rae commented. "If there is something you wish to say, you should say it so we can both get some rest."

  Lilah admitted, "I've spent the entire day trying not to cry. I was trying to give you some space, but I just ended up playing over every scenario of what happens when I get to the capital. None of them are good, Rae."

  Rae promised, "The queen is a good woman. She will not allow you to come to harm."

  "That might be true if your definition of harm is being executed, but there are a lot of ways that she can make my life miserable and short. I thought I was okay with dying, but it's getting closer and closer, and I have no idea what's going to happen. I... I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life. It feels like my heart is going to burst and kill me before your lover does."

  "Fear cannot stop a heart," Rae assured.

  Lilah laughed uncomfortably. "Well, mine is giving it a good try anyways."

  Without thinking, Rae climbed into Lilah's tiny bed. She turned to face her, her tear stained face shining in the moonlight. Rae wiped them away with her thumbs.

  "I know you're trying to be nice right now," Lilah said, "and I'm sure you're going to be all valiant and tell me you made a promise to protect me and you keep your promises. It's a very moving speech. But I know that when push comes to shove, you'll side with your queen."

  "I love Kica," Rae said softly, "but I loved T'hir first. My heart... my heart will always belong first to him. He was my king, my mentor, my friend, my everything. I... I always think of Kica as inspiring me to be a true knight. I want to be worthy of her love; I want to be strong and brave enough to deserve the heart of a queen. But T'hir knew me when I was a gawky teenager with nothing to offer and he still loved me. He loved all the little people of his kingdom, the ones just living their lives and trying to do the best they could. That is who I swore my oath to, not Kica. I swore to serve King T'hir until my death, not his."

  Lilah asked, "And he would want you to protect a bastard he never met over his wife?"

  "He would want me to do the right thing," Rae replied.

  Lilah rolled onto her other side, and by instinct, Rae held her. Lilah nuzzled into her.

  She murmured, "I wish I could have met him."

  "He would have loved you," Rae said. "He would have thought you were so clever. That was his word for things he admired. He thought that a quick wit was the greatest trait a person could have. And he was a dancer, like you. Any chance he could, he would dance and make a fool of himself."

  Lilah laughed and Rae smiled.

  Rae tried not to think of how right she felt in her arms, tried not to run her fingers through that beautiful black hair. She felt guilty as it felt awfully close to straying from Kica. This wasn't lust, though, she had to admit that Lilah was beautiful. It was the desire to protect something precious. Lilah's laugh was worth preserving, worth fighting for. Not just for her country, not for her love of T'hir. For Lilah.

  They slept side by side. When Lilah woke in fear, Rae was there. The night passed, and while neither had gotten a great deal of sleep, they both felt ready to face the day.

  It threatened to storm in the morning, but they went regardless, needing to make up time. Near noon, Rae suggested taking a break and Lilah seemed grateful. They ate just off the road, sitting far from the other. Rae left her for a moment to find a place to relieve herself, but just as she was relacing her pants, she heard a scream.

  She ran back, pulling her sword from her sheath. The robber had tossed Lilah brutally to the ground and was struggling to get the horse to cooperate. Rae dropped her sword and threw herself at the man, knocking him down. They fought in the road, punching and jabbing until she gave him an opening long enough for him to run away.

  Rae helped Lilah to her feet. "Are you all right, my lady?"

  Lilah kissed her and it felt as if the world shattered beneath her feet. Rae pulled away quickly.

  "I'm sorry," Lilah said quickly. "I shouldn't have done that."

  It began to rain and Rae covered them with her cloak. "Let's find some shelter," she said. "You'll catch cold."

  They barely made it to an inn in time to get a room, the place crowded with other travelers caught in the rain. It was only because Hayda recognized her that they managed to get a little room just above the kitchen. Tiny, but nice and warm.

  Lilah was soaked to the bone and changed out of her wet clothes, lying in the bed while they dried. Rae hesitated before doing the same, the slight brush of skin on skin sending shivers through her whole body.

  "I'm sorry," Lilah said again.

  Rae was unsure what to say. Her traitorous heart wanted another kiss, but Rae pushed the thought aside. She played with the words in her mind until she knew what she needed to say.

  "If things were different," Rae said finally, "I would consider exploring this."

  Lilah replied, "And it would have been amazing."

  Rae laughed. "Would it?"

  "We would run away together," Lilah said mischievously.

  "Oh? Where would we go?"

  "Anywhere we want," Lilah said. "We'll find a little place where no one knows you."

  "That would be difficult."

  "So humble, my Sir Rae. We'd have a little house and I'll make the money. You can stay home with the kids and make all our meals."

  "We have children in this scenario?"

  "Bunches of them, all with your eyes and my charming wit."

  Rae asked, "And what else?"

  "I don't know. I thought I did well coming up with all that," Lilah said. "Your turn."

  "We'd have fresh bread every morning."

  "I do happen to have a lot of yeast in my daily life," Lilah agreed.

  "And maybe a few hens."

  "You wouldn't like them. Chickens are mean and they stink."

  "These are nice ones," Rae argued

  A crack of lightning shot across the sky, and Rae put her arm around Lilah. Rae waited until the thunder rumbled away before she continued. She took a deep breath. "And I'd live as a man."

  Lilah promised, "Whatever feels right to you, Rae. I'd like you no matter what."

  They could have joined the drin
king and dancing in the tavern, but they spent the afternoon in bed, talking and laughing until their bellies ached and their faces hurt too much to smile.

  *~*~*

  When they reached the capital, Rae found a room at a small inn where Lilah could hide. It was safest to keep her out of harm's way, just until Rae could establish Kica's plans for her. Lilah agreed, which Rae was grateful for. It was hard to talk Lilah into or out of anything.

  Rae entered the Royal Palace with ease and was escorted to the king's study, where Kica studied the map of the kingdom spread across the table. She looked up to see Rae and smiled. "My love."

  Rae knelt before her. "I have done as you have asked, my lady."

  "I have heard," Kica said. "You may rise, love. I have heard stories of you being spotted with a beautiful young woman. I imagine she is one of those I sent you to find. There are no others?"

  "None, my lady," Rae said, standing slowly. "She is the only one."

  "She is unmarried? She is a maid?"

  "She is not married, but I do not believe she is a virgin," Rae said.

  "Pity," Kica said. "It is always easier to negotiate a wedding contract with a virgin, but I suppose it matters not now. She is grown then? A full woman, not a child?"

  Rae nodded.

  "Then I have no choice, it seems," Kica said quietly. "She must be disposed of."

  "What do you mean?" Rae demanded. "You swore you would not hurt her."

  "I said I would not harm a child," Kica reminded. "I have planned my next steps to protect Del, and she would only interfere with these plans. It is better for the kingdom if she is to disappear quietly. She is an unmarried peasant with no children. There should be few left to ask questions."

  "What plan involves murdering an innocent?" Rae accused.

  "I am with child, Rae," Kica said. "Or I will be soon, if I am not. Elum and I have come to an understanding. I will bare his child and marry him after the child is born. We shall agree that it is T'hir's, and the kingdom will have both an heir and a king. It is the best way to establish peace, Lilah. Elum and I have had relations several times a day since you have departed. My physician assures me it will be enough."