Heart of Steel

by Samantha M. Derr

Rae's heart crumbled in her chest. "How long after I left? How long did you wait until you betrayed me?"

  "You did not care when I took T'hir to my bed. Is it not hypocritical to judge me now? Rae, this is the best for the kingdom, you know this."

  "Had you decided this already when you sent me away?" Rae demanded. "Is this why you sent me?"

  Kica's voice faltered when she said, "Yes."

  "How could you do this to me?" Rae whispered.

  "Rae…"

  Her voice broke. "I thought you loved me."

  "You shouldn't be upset, Rae. We were happy before when I was married to someone else. We both understand duty is more important than love. Once the girl is taken care of, everything can go back to what it was. The woman I loved would understand that."

  Rae had been waiting an entire lifetime for this moment, when the words that had come so close to the tip of his tongue finally spilled over.

  "I'm not a woman," Rae said. "I have played every part you wished me to, Kica, but I will not play this one. I will not pretend to be something I am not. I am not a thief or a liar or a murderer. I will live as the man that T'hir saw I could be, and I will not live any other life than the one I know in my heart is right."

  "You swore yourself in service to me," Kica reminded him angrily.

  "I swore myself to T'hir and to his line," Rae growled, "and I will not serve a false heir, not when one of his own blood breathes still."

  Kica walked towards him and tilted Rae's chin so their eyes met. She warned, "You will bring this girl to me before sundown. If you do not, I will charge you with treason and have both of you hanged. You made a vow to me. You will finish what you have started. Go, before you anger me further."

  It was within Kica's power to force him, to put a blade to his throat right there and then. As Kica let him go, Rae saw a last flicker of love in her eyes. She did not love him enough to hold him as cherished as he had held her for the past six years. But it was enough to give him a head start.

  *~*~*

  Rae returned to the inn where Lilah waited for him. Rae knew he would be watched, but he could not risk leaving her vulnerable. Rae raced up the stairs and opened the door, only to have a blade at his throat. His gaze met Lilah's, and she lowered her weapon.

  "Did you speak to her?" Lilah asked.

  Rae grasped her waist and pulled her close. "Did you mean what you said before? About going north together?"

  "Every word," Lilah agreed.

  "Then let us go right now," Rae ordered. "Grab your things. At sundown, the queen will search for us both and every hour until then is precious."

  Lilah did not hesitate, stuffing her meager belongings into her bag. Rae took her hand and led her out towards the stables. They climbed upon Rae's horse, and Rae held her close. As soon as they left the city limits, the horse broke into a gallop, heading for the northern border of the country. Lilah was too afraid to speak, but Rae held to the promise in Kica's eyes as they parted. Sundown. As long as the sun held in the sky, they could keep running without fear of being caught.

  As the night fell upon them, they kept going, not risking stopping at an inn or some other place that Rae might be recognized. Eventually they rested in a meadow, both they and the horse exhausted. They only spoke as they lay in the grass together.

  "There is a village another day's ride from here," Rae said. "Near the border with Hull. I lived there for a time as a child, and I know the region well. We will be safe there."

  "Will they not look for us there?" Lilah asked.

  "Perhaps," Rae agreed, "but it is a quiet place, and I have lived in many regions of Del in my life. We could also flee into Hull at a moment's notice, but I would prefer to remain in my country. It is safer than being recognized crossing the border. It would only cause political strife if the queen tries to snatch you away from them."

  "It is worth the risk then for peace," Lilah said. "Then we will stay there."

  "And I… I will not look as I do now by the time they find us," Rae said nervously. "If you spoke truthfully about these alchemists."

  "Then there is a place we should stop first," Lilah said. "It is a few hours west of here, I think. We should change horses there too."

  Rae nodded. "Then that is what we will do."

  Rae's heart raced, and Lilah put her hand on his arm. "You don't have to do this, Rae. Not for me, not for anyone. If you want to live as a man, you can just the way you are. Your heart is still the same."

  Rae murmured, "It is what I wish for me, but it has simply been a very tiring day. If I had my choice, I would wait a few months to adjust, but it is safest to do it now. I am just… I am afraid."

  Lilah embraced him. "I'm here, Rae."

  Rae kissed her, and though tired, they consummated their relationship in the grass. Rae wanted to feel Lilah with this body, just the once, even if just to replace the memories of Kica's touches with Lilah's. This was safe and it was sweet, and Rae tried to save every moment of it to memory.

  When they parted, Lilah lay flush and sated on his chest. Rae held her tightly, not wanting to be parted from her.

  "Thank you for trusting me," Lilah said softly.

  Rae kissed her. "We need rest."

  *~*~*

  There are always fairy tales of magical transformation, of beasts into men, of beautiful women into flowers. Rae had not known what to expect. Perhaps a fairy would come and hit her with a magical wand and he would spin around in sparkling dust as his body changed.

  But Rae instead went into a comfortable house in the little city of Westreach and saw an older woman knitting by the fireplace. She saw Lilah and jumped up, embracing her. The two chatted for a time, and eventually the woman came over and introduced herself to Rae.

  The woman smiled. "I see it in his eyes, who I will bring forth. It will not take long, not with such a strong heart. If you are ready, my dear…"

  "Rae, you can wait. It doesn't have to be now," Lilah said.

  "But it does," the alchemist murmured. "He is aching."

  Aching was the perfect word. It felt as if the alchemist was holding his broken arm and waiting for his permission to set it. She had to ask, but they both knew it was what he needed to heal.

  Rae confirmed, "I'm ready."

  Lilah kissed him tenderly, and Rae nuzzled into her. "I'll be fine."

  "You better be," Lilah warned.

  The alchemist brought Rae into a bedroom and gestured for him to lie down. She gave Rae something sweet and bitter to help him sleep. The alchemist explained, "While you sleep, I will sculpt your form, take what you have and make you look like any other man. When you wake, you will be one of them in body as well as in your heart. It can be changed, of course, but it is very difficult. And this will hurt. You will not wish to do it twice."

  "I'm ready," Rae said, and finished his drink.

  Already his body felt heavy, and he closed his eyes. It was not long before he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

  *~*~*

  "Rae… Rae, are you awake?"

  Rae groaned as he opened his eyes. His chest felt he had been kicked by a horse and his thighs like he had run thirty miles. His belly hurt most, forcing him to double over in pain. Lilah went to his side, helping him sit up.

  "You want to look?" Lilah asked.

  Rae nodded and Lilah helped him to his feet, bringing him over to the full-length mirror on the other side of the room. Rae shook, and Lilah steadied him. When he finally dared, Rae looked up.

  The man in the mirror looked like Sir Rae, if he had a brother or a close relation. Truly not much had changed besides some sculpting and molding of the face. He touched his cheek, feeling the hint of scruff. He put a hand to his flat chest, and with only some embarrassment, gave his genitals a quick examination.

  "How do you feel?" Lilah asked.

  Rae did not know if it was the light filtering through the soft curtains or how eased his heart felt, but he did not think Lilah had ever looked so beautiful. Rae picked her
up and kissed her, letting her wrap her arms around his neck. Her hands on his chest, her lips on his throat, made it feel real, especially—

  Rae blushed and Lilah raised her eyebrows, a grin crossing her lips.

  "We'll save that one for another day," Lilah teased. "Let you break it in a little."

  Rae laughed, relieved it sounded so like his old one. Next, he tested his voice. "I think this could work for me."

  "So you're happy?" Lilah asked, brushing his hair from his eyes.

  Rae kissed her, not able to stop grinning. "Very happy."

  *~*~*

  It was odd how easily a man could hide when everyone was searching for a woman. Lilah started up business again, her identity relatively secret. People were searching for a woman roughly of her description, but they were looking for her bodyguard, the gallant Ser Rae, former lover of the queen. The tales grew so tall and wild that no one could recognize the figures in the lovely couple that made their winter ales.

  Mika came north a few months later with all the cats in tow. The house felt better with him, warmer and cheerful. Suddenly Rae found himself living a domestic, gentle life, and he found it suited him. He was relearning his fighting skills, now that his muscles were somewhat different, but was progressing quickly. He enjoyed his country exile, but his duty was to protect Lilah, and he wanted to take that seriously, even if the most dangerous thing she faced were irritated sheep.

  In the spring, when the new prince was born, Rae felt oddly numb. He knew he should be upset or relieved that at least now the hunt for Lilah would die down. Instead, the information simply washed over him, as if he had merely been told the price of cabbages.

  Rae brought the royal announcement into their little cottage, putting it on an end table covered with Mika's books. Lilah was in the kitchen, warning the quickly growing teenager that he was eating them out of house and home.

  Rae smiled and sat on the couch, where one of the cats jumped onto his lap. He hadn't realized he had drifted off until he stirred to Lilah tucking a blanket around him. She kissed his forehead and he relaxed again, falling asleep to the sound of a heavy purr.

  A Shieldmaiden's Vow

  Helena Maeve

  Like much of the cottage's meagre and mismatched furnishings, the headboard was a hand-me-down inlaid with the wrong family's coat of arms. This did nothing to prevent Maud from gripping it tighter than she'd ever clutched the hilt of her sword.

  A moan shuddered out of her as Alais tipped her head up, trailing soft, slick lips over Maud's quivering belly.

  "Worth the wait?" Alais teased. Only twenty-two and already she had a firmer grasp of her talents in the bedroom than Maud at the ripe age of thirty.

  "Wouldn't have been a wait at all," Maud grumbled half-heartedly, "if it weren't for this." She stroked Alais's cheek, skin smooth and only a little pink beneath her palm.

  "Prefer razor burn, do you?"

  "I could've helped. I am rather handy with a blade." The argument was as old as their arrangement. There was little heat left in it. Maud pinned a shoulder to the mattress and stretched over her lover's body, revelling in the softness of her skin, the reedy gasps that escaped Alais's throat when Maud closed her lips around a nipple.

  Claiming she'd find Alais enticing with a thatch of fur on her chest or scruff on her chin served no purpose. Alais preferred herself this way, just as she preferred skirts that swept the floor to Maud's trousers, ribbons in her long chestnut hair, which Maud would've sheared off long ago if their places were reversed.

  They were as unalike as two women could be, but they found common ground where it mattered: in bed, mostly, Maud rousing Alais with her hand and mouth, Alais sucking in hitching breaths as she surrendered to her ministrations.

  "One day," Alais panted, languid with the afterglow, "we'll have your help without seducing me."

  Maud gave her spent cock one last flick of the tongue and sat up. "Why should we ever want that?"

  Watching Alais soak in a bath before spreading hot wax over her skin was more than inviting. Since Maud had first happened upon her one and only maid engaged in the ritual many months ago, Maud hadn't missed it once. Nor had she failed to reward Alais for her pains in the immediate aftermath.

  "Come," she said now, shrugging into her shirt and hooking a toe into her discarded breeches. "I'll heat the soup while you dress."

  "Must I?"

  "Sloth is a cardinal sin."

  Alais dimpled up at her. "And did I not hear it said at Sunday mass that one shouldn't spare the rod?"

  Desire surged through Maud. "You wicked creature—"

  The clatter of horse hooves pounding the dirt outside their window cut her off.

  "Sir! Uh, Lady Maud?" The voice was young and frantic.

  Maud recognised it at once as belonging to Thomas, the butcher's boy. She said as much to Alais, peering through the window. "That pony will throw him off if he doesn't take care…"

  "Best see what he wants before he frightens the horses," Alais advised, already hunting for her undergarments. The time for teasing had come and, just as swiftly, gone.

  Maud took her advice and clambered down the narrow cottage stairs. Thomas's face lit up with such relief when she stepped out that he hardly seemed to notice her dishevelled state. "M'lady, you have to come! It's Benjamin Laurence, sir—"

  "Another accident at the farm?" They happened often enough.

  "No, sir." Thomas struggled to keep his mount from turning and twisting beneath him. "They say he's lost his mind. Wandered into town with a bloody cleaver."

  "What is it?" Alais asked, stomping out of the house behind Maud. "Did Benjamin hurt himself?"

  "Not 'imself, Miss." Thomas cut his eyes to Maud, imploring. "The vicar sent me. Will you come?"

  If Holsworth's only man of the cloth had judged Laurence's troubles important enough to rouse Maud from her bed, then it had to be serious. Normally, he didn't much care for her meddling. "Ride ahead," she told Thomas. "Tell them I'm on my way."

  He didn't need asking twice. With a shake of the reins, he took off the same way he'd come, his horse's hooves eating up the hard-packed dirt.

  "I'll fetch your sword," Alais said, disappearing back into the cottage.

  In a matter of moments, the pleasant lethargy of their lovemaking vanished, subsumed by a new sense of urgency. While Maud saddled her horse, Alais returned with the sheathed claymore and padded riding coat. She secured the former to the saddle while Maud tugged on the latter, then held out her hand. "Help me up."

  "What?"

  Alais cocked an eyebrow. "You didn't think I'd let you go by yourself, did you? At this hour?"

  Night-time had spread its cloak over the moors, fields of heather and grain alike blanketed in darkness. Maud was unafraid. "I may be destitute and retired, but I'm still a knight," she grumbled.

  "And you'll still be a knight if I accompany, won't you?" Maud obligingly clasped Alais's hand and hoisted her into the saddle behind her. "Lovely," Alais said, flatly. "I'll be sure to send the Order a token of my gratitude." Pressing her chest to Maud's spine, she fisted both hands in Maud's riding coat and held on as they dashed out of the stable.

  A far cry from the vast grounds of Westmour, where Maud had grown up, the cottage sat on a small plot of land on the outskirts of an equally small town. Maud had purchased it for far less coin than it was worth, at a time when she wanted nothing more than to isolate herself from the townspeople. With Alais in her life, that aim hadn't quite panned out. It was difficult to dredge up regret.

  As soon as they crossed into Holsworth, all whisper of anonymity vanished. A cry travelled from lane to lane ahead of her horse, until at last Maud came upon the mob gathered in the market square. Candles and gas lamps burned in windows on either side of the village green, illuminating homes that should have been dark at this hour. Every man, woman or child in town seemed awake and simmering.

  The reason for their unlikely vigil knelt by the water pump at the heart of the squa
re, his hands manacled, his features haggard.

  "What is the meaning of this?" Maud asked, dismounting. She heard more than saw Alais follow suit behind her. "And where did you find irons?"

  Holsworth lacked a constable, let alone a jail, but its enterprising residents hastened to inform her of Laurence's crimes.

  "He killed his wife!"

  "He killed all three of their little'uns!"

  The cleaver Thomas had spoken of was indeed crimson with drying blood. Maud's insides churned as she crouched before Laurence. "Is this true?"

  Through his tears, Benjamin Laurence nodded. He was a strapping figure, only a little older than Alais, with a mop of sun-kissed hair and a ruddy complexion. Presently, his colouring had veered to a distressing pink. Dry sobs shook his body. His shirtfront was damp with more than tears and sweat stains.

  "Why?" Maud couldn't disguise her bemusement. She had seen murder and murderers before, had put away more than a few, in her day. She'd never seen the righteous indignation of a crime of passion give way to regret quite so swiftly.

  "'e claims he was possessed," said a voice from the crowd.

  "He's a rotten liar," another countered.

  Yet another volleyed, "What if it's true, though? What if there's a witch in Holsworth?"

  "Rubbish! All our wives and daughters is accounted for!"

  "Not all of them," crowed one of the townswomen, loud enough to make herself heard. Maud swung her head around in time to see the woman sneer at Alais. "No one knows what you get up to while your mistress's out, do they?"

  Umbrage flashed across Alais's features. "You watch your bloody tongue, or I'll—"

  "Alais." Her outrage found its echo in Maud's breast, but to lob threats when Holsworth was already teetering on the edge of panic could be enough to propel them all into mass hysteria.

  No justice had ever come of pitchforks and torches, and whispers of Alais's difference had made the rounds before.

  "The girl is no witch." Another woman's voice rose from the crowd, this one flat with authority, the accent polished.

  Maud's breath snagged.

  The mob parted to make way, murmurs of confusion fading to awed silence as soon as the burgundy cloaks came into view.