Killing Me Softly

by Devyn Dawson

  There I go, toppling over the edge he was hanging over, and I freefall into oblivion. He said the four letter word that my heart has been screaming every time I see him since I woke up in the hospital. My love for him was the only thing that kept me alive. Andy promised me that he felt the same way and it wasn’t time to go with her. Here he is in this crappy dorm room saying the words I’ve been dying to say to him. My jaw slacks open and I search for the way to say the words that are clinching my heart. Once I relinquish my heart to him, I’ll be rendered helpless.

  “You’re right, Tate. This is really fast. Your house is something you bought for yourself, I don’t want to make you obligated to me.”

  “Really fast? Holland, has anything gone normal in our relationship? Everything about us is unconventional. Our music, the way we keep saying we’re going slow, but I see it in your eyes, we’re full speed ahead. I don’t want to be without you. I want to do everything with you. One day, you’ll give yourself to me and we’ll make passionate love until we’re spent. My heart is yours for the taking. I love YOU and the way you’re blushing a deep crimson red.”

  Why is it so hard to say back to him? I don’t want to lose him. “I love you…there I said it out loud.” Without warning, Tate jumps up and scoops me up and twirls me around. He’s squeezing me so tight that I think the pain in my rib will make me pass out. Instead, I laugh like a crazy girl as he kisses my neck and nibbles my ear.

  “You said it out loud!” His mouth comes down hard on mine. The desperation of the kiss is almost too intense to take. “I was so afraid of losing you after the accident. I told you a thousand times in the hospital that I loved you and promised to say it to you once you were awake. Now tell me you’ll live with me. You can live in your own room or in my room, I’m good either way.” He pulls back and sucks in his upper lip, a habit he does when he drives.

  “Yes, I’ll move in with you, but I’ll have my own room and cable.”

  “Cable? I was planning on keeping you entertained,” Tate whispers and we flop down onto the bed. We cuddle under the huge down comforter until we can’t keep our eyes open any longer and sleep steals us away.

  ***

  We moved into the house three days ago, which consisted of two coffee mugs, one coffee maker, two fold up lawn chairs, and my bins of clothes. We’ve made three trips to Markson Brothers Furniture Store and Lively Linens. The more I complain, the more money Tate spends. If I even glance at an object, he mistakes it for something I want. Not even Andy had the need to spend money like Daddy Warbucks, aka Tate.

  Thankfully, the furniture store delivers the same day and they put everything together. The only thing on back order is some furniture for the dining area.

  “The fire pit and my guitar are calling out our name,” Tate says as he walks past me to the kitchen.

  I set down the owner’s manual to the front-load washing machine. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make it wash a load of clothes for the last twenty minutes. I don’t have stains, or bad odors, and nothing is delicate. They don’t have a button for a regular load of laundry. I growl and stomp off towards the kitchen. The contraption for my leg was removed a couple days ago. The wound is healing and doesn’t look so bad when the bandages are on it.

  Tate is out at the fire pit adding some logs to the fire. The swimming pool hasn’t been completely installed yet. The pool is in, but the equipment hasn’t been set up. Carrie will be here in a week and Tate is hoping the whole house will be set up by then. She’s going to sleep in my room and I’m going to stay in the room with Tate.

  I open the French door and shout out to him, “Do you need me to bring anything out?”

  “No, just you.” Just me, is on my way. I notice a tray with graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars sitting on the glass table. This guy is for keeps.

  He reaches up for my hand, and tugs me down to his lap. “I’ve been working on a song, I want to teach you how to play it on the guitar.” He picks up his guitar and maneuvers us until the guitar is up against my abdomen. I put my fingers on the strings, and his hand clasps around my hand. We strum the guitar together and soon we’re singing the song he sang me in the hospital.

  In her eyes I see the way she looks at me

  Her heart is on the surface for me to take

  She makes me be the best man I can be

  What I’d give to see those eyes again, to know she’s awake

  To let her know she’s the only one for me

  The only one I’ll ever need

  We’ll overcome the darkest of nights within loves embrace

  Show me your love

  Bring me your love

  Fight your way back to me

  Fight your way back to me

  Fight for us

  Please fight your way back to me…

  “You realize, I’m alive because of you,” I lean back to him and say out loud. “I was in a fog a lot, but when I would hear you sing, I’d relax into your words.”

  “Your vital signs would always improve when I was singing to you. I knew you were in there and would live. I’m so glad you did. On to bigger things, are you going to sleep with me in that giant king sized bed of mine? Hands off, I promise.” Tate’s crooked smile melts my giant NO away.

  “Hands off? Too bad, I was going to let you have your way with me tonight. Looks like another cold shower for you!” I say and attempt to kiss him and jump up from his lap. He holds on so tight that the chair tumbles backwards, taking us with it. He pins me to my back.

  “You’re a tease!”

  “Who me?”

  “Yes, you!” He looks down at me and moments turn to hours as I wait for his mouth to find mine. His eyes go from playful to serious. His lips are soft on mine as he parts my lips with his tongue. His mouth trails kisses down my neck where he lightly bites the base of my neck. He trails back to my lips and I groan against his mouth.

  “I love you,” I whisper to him.

  “I love you too.”

  His hand goes to the back of my head and he gently tugs my head backwards, baring my throat to him. He kisses my throat and his finger trails down my neck until he comes to the top of my shirt. I shiver as his finger follows the outline of shirt. Without thinking, I reach down and pull my shirt over my head.

  “Holl, what are you doing?”

  “Don’t worry, you’re not getting pass this base. Is it second base? Either way, I’m not showing you anything my bikini wouldn’t show.”

  “God! I LOVE SECOND BASE!” He shouts out and hugs me to him.

  ***

  Epilogue

  “Hello, I’m calling for Terri, or someone who went by the name Terri when she lived in Oklahoma.”

  “Holland?” The voice says.

  “Yes, my name is Holland. Who are you?”

  “I’m Seth, hold on let me get her for you.” His voice is deep as he calls out. “Lisa, Holland’s on the phone!”

  Lisa? Her name is Lisa? That could be another alias for all I know. Who’s Seth? Some guy she’s shacking up with I’m sure.

  The phone sounds like it tumbles to the ground. “Holly?”

  “This is Holland, is this my mother?”

  “Oh Holly, I’m so glad you called. I saw in the obituaries that your dad died, so I looked it up and read about the accident. How are you?”

  How am I? Seriously? “How am I? Well, let’s start with I’m wonderful. My mentally ill father tried to murder me and in the process he committed suicide. I’ve been caring for his crazy ass since I was thirteen years old. I was ALONE. No one was there to help me when things got bad. Oh things got bad. The times he held me by the throat against the wall before school were some of my favorite father daughter events. I had a sucky ass life because of you. Before you tell me your sob story about your ex-husband, I already know about it. Funny isn’t it, that I don’t have any sympathy for you. Now that I’ve said all that, what do you want? You’ve left me several messages, so state your peace so I can g
et ready for work.”

  “Oh baby, I’m sorry I haven’t been there…”

  “No! Just NO! You can’t tell me how you’re sorry. Why did you call?” I shout.

  Tate walks in the room and makes a confused face at me and asks who I’m on the phone with.

  “My mom,” I mouthed.

  “Oh.” He says and turns down the hall to his bedroom.

  “I’m coming to Oklahoma next month and I want to see you. The attorney’s office got in touch with me about the estate. I know I don’t deserve it, but honey, I really want to see you.” Her voice is steady as she talks, like she’s rehearsed it a thousand times.

  “Of course, you have your hand out. Whatever, I’ll meet with you for one reason, and one reason only, to get answers. If you plan on meeting me, you better be prepared for my questions. If you’re not, don’t bother. Who’s Seth?” I’m agitated because I’m letting her get to me.

  “Seth is my brother. I’ll be open to any questions you have. I’ll call you with the date. I miss you baby.”

  I want nothing more than to throw my phone across the room, but a damn replacement phone is too expensive. Don’t call me baby! “Whatever, let me know closer to the date. I have to go.” Without giving her a chance to reply, I hang up. My hands are trembling from anger. I should have known better than call her before having company. I look up and see Tate standing in the doorway.

  “Is it safe to enter? I’m happy to offer a hug.” His arms spread wide and I run to him and squeeze my head to his chest. The sound of his heart is music to my ears, and the perfect melody to calm me down.

  “I lied about going to work. There’s this ridiculous part of me that feels guilty for lying. Isn’t that stupid? I just wanted the conversation to be quick.”

  “You’re allowed to use a white lie if it doesn’t hurt anyone. They lied to you for years, you have nothing to feel guilty about.” Tate take his finger and lifts my chin off his chest, until I’m looking up at him. “Holland, everything you’re going through will be something of the past before you know it. Don’t give in to self-doubt. I’m in awe of you, and happy that you’re mine.”

  I lace my fingers behind his neck and pull him down until we’re nose to nose. “Thank you for being sane.”

  “Any time,” he whispers.

  ***

  It has been two days since I made the call. Tate and I went out and bought mountain bikes to ride through some trails we found by our neighborhood. Water will go in the pool tonight, and if all goes according to plan, we’ll be swimming by the weekend. I can’t believe I live in such a nice house, with a great guy, and money in the bank. The pessimist in me keeps telling me not to get too comfortable. My phone buzzes on the night stand.

  HEY BEAUTIFUL. I’M SITTING HERE – ACROSS THE HOUSE – PINING. 12:03 pm

  THAT’S SO FAR AWAY! I’M OVER HERE PINING FOR YOU. 12:04 pm

  NO FAIR, I PINED FIRST. 12:04 pm

  HOW ABOUT MEETING IN THE LIVING ROOM AND WE CAN PINE TOGETHER. 12:05 pm

  I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK. LOVE YOU. 12:06 pm

  SEE YOU IN A SECOND. TATE – I LOVE YOU TOO 12:07 pm.

  ***

  A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

  Mental illness is an epidemic throughout the world. Not only does it change the person who is diagnosed with it, but the people around them. Many families live in shame and hide the truth from everyone. Mental illness is as real as cancer. The drugs mentioned in this book are fictional.

  www.hopeline.com

  1-800-442-HOPE (4673)

  DEPRESSION AND BIPOLAR SUPPORT ALLIANCE

  1-800-826-3632

  http://www.dbsalliance.org/

  The grief that Holland felt after the death of her friend Andy is pulled out of my own experiences with death. I’ve lost so many people in my life (both parents, my son, and two brothers), and for each one I’ve grieved differently. If you have lost someone and you’re in that grieving place now, trust me when I say there is light and happiness again.

  From The Wreckage

  by

  Michele G Miller

  One

  "Is this on?"

  Jules' eyes flick to the small television across the room as she takes her place in the faded velvet wingback chair. Her own face stares back at her from the screen, indicating the camera is indeed working. Out of habit, her hands run over her strawberry blonde hair. She twirls a curl around her finger and brushes her long bangs to the side. Satisfied with her appearance, she takes a deep breath.

  "Okay, Hi," she says softly; her hand lifting in a small wave. "I'm Jules Blacklin from Tyler, Texas. Oh, crap. No, I shouldn't wave,” she tells herself.

  Shimmying backward, she tries to find a comfortable sitting position; her sundress catching against the velvet nap of the seat cushion. With a low sigh, she moves to run her hand between her skirt and the chair. Freeing the fabric, Jules adjusts the dress again and crosses her legs daintily, while stealing another glance at the television screen to check her appearance.

  She'd set up the small twenty-inch screen on a side table so she would be able to see herself as a video camera recorded her story. Although now the camera only makes her more uneasy. Sitting here, watching herself speak to nobody makes her question her sanity. It feels like something a crazy person would do.

  With a thoughtful eye, she watches herself lean forward and rest her elbow on the armrest, and decides to go with the pose; thinking it makes her look studious.

  "Okay, yeah...that's good," she speaks aloud.

  With a demure nod of her head, she begins again.

  "Hi. My name is Jules Blacklin, Hillsdale High class of twenty-fourteen. I'm making this video essay as my contribution to the class of twenty-fourteen time capsule. I..."

  She pauses; her mind blanking out for a spell as she smiles into the lens recording her. She takes a moment to steady her thoughts before continuing. "I want to tell you about myself. About what I've been through, and what the town of Tyler has been through. Winston Churchill once said, 'Sure I am of this, that you have only to endure to conquer.' Rest assured — I have endured. I have endured, and now I am ready to conquer."

  Jules gives herself a mental high-five for remembering the quote and releases a deep breath. With her hands clasped, she leans forward in her seat. Her blue eyes stare directly into the red blinking light used to indicate the camera is recording.

  "I'm inviting you on a journey. A journey through my senior year. Actually, if you’re watching this, then I'm going to ask you to be a bystander. See, I'm not making this for you. I'm recording this for the ones who didn't live, the ones I will forever be mindful of. For the ones I knew, the ones I didn't...and especially for the ones I loved. This is for you."

  Uncrossing her legs, she leans back in the chair again; her eyes continuing to connect with the nameless faces that will someday watch this DVD. She settles back for her long story, her finger tracing the scrolling pattern across her skirt. She gathers herself, her thoughts and memories. It’s only a few moments — a flash of time — but for her, in her mind she sees everything. Once more, her pale gaze meets the lens and she decides where to start.

  "Let's begin with your ending. The last night my life was normal. The last night we were all normal."

  Two

  Her eyes close and she allows her mind to wander back to that muggy Friday night. The late August Texas heat is so thick you can cut through it. In her mind, she can still hear the crowd cheering at the first football game of the season. She recalls the buzzing of the Friday night lights illuminating the football field on campus. The smashing of helmets blend in with the constant, exuberant play-by-play calls of Nick "voice of the Mustangs" Swanson in the background.

  Her chest tightens at the perfect memories, and she fast forwards to the parking lot after the game. As if reading a story, she begins to describe the night, the conversations, the feelings...

  * * *

  "Hey Jules?" Stuart's low voice murmurs into her neck as his
warm lips make their way up her throat. Her skin leaps at the touch of his fingers as they skim the skin at the base of her cheerleading uniform top.

  "Hmmm?"

  "I love seeing you back in this little outfit again." He chuckles and slips his fingers under her top and up her spine.

  She laughs lightly. "Mmmhmmm, of course you do."

  The gym door behind them slams open, causing her to push Stuart off her gently. They’re leaning against his car in the student parking lot by the gym after the first football game of the season. The Hillsdale Mustangs easily handled their rival team the Rossview Knights with a score of twenty-four to three, and now they’re waiting for the rest of their teammates and friends so they can head out and celebrate. It’s the last weekend of summer break, and come Monday morning, school will be back in session.

  "Hey lovebirds, you ready?" shouts Tanya; walking in their direction. Jules looks over Stuart's shoulder as he leans into her again and gives her best friend a quick nod of acknowledgment. Tanya smirks at her and heads towards her car.

  The metal door flies open once more ricocheting off the brick wall of the school building as several guys from the football team pour out; their laughing and trash-talking filling the air.

  "Let's go back to my place. My parents won't be back until tomorrow," Stuart suggests; pressing a soft kiss to her cheek by her ear, ignoring the commotion around them.

  "Stop," she whispers, all the while wrapping her hands around his back and holding him closer.

  "C'mon, doll. We can celebrate alone for a change."