The Goodbye Gift

by Amanda Brooke

  Julia was struggling to squeeze her hand luggage into the compartment above the seats. ‘Stupid bloody shelf! Why can’t they make them bigger?’

  ‘I think you’ll find it’s your so-called hand luggage that’s oversized,’ Helen said.

  She had already grabbed the first window seat and was feeling decidedly giddy. There had been moments in the last couple of months, if not the last few days, when she thought the holiday wasn’t going to happen and yet here they were. She was looking forward to the trip, which would give them a chance to regroup and have a damned good time in the process, especially now she wasn’t dreading the return home.

  When the whistle blew and the train pulled out of Lime Street Station with a gentle jolt, she added, ‘You’re going to regret bringing that by the end of the holiday, you mark my words.’

  ‘I’m already regretting it,’ Julia muttered.

  ‘Here, let me help,’ Phoebe offered.

  Being the shorter of the bunch, Phoebe struggled to reach the shelf but the one thing she had that Julia was apparently lacking was a sense of determination. With an almighty shove, the case was forced into place. ‘There,’ she said, holding onto the back of a chair while the train rocked gently. She offered Julia a weak smile but the miserable look on her friend’s face left it to wither on her lips. ‘Would you like the other window seat? I don’t mind where I sit.’

  Julia shook her head. ‘No, you take it. Looking out will only make me travel sick.’

  Helen was watching them both intently. ‘Well, this is a fine start to our holiday. Are you two going to stay this miserable for the entire trip?’

  Phoebe and Julia took their seats. ‘I’m not miserable,’ Phoebe said, refusing to look at Julia. ‘It’s just been a bit hectic, that’s all. But we’re on our way now and we can put our troubles behind us.’

  Julia’s mouth twitched in a vain attempt at a smile, but she didn’t speak. It had been impossible not to notice the strained atmosphere between her and Paul on the drive over. Of the two, Julia had been the more animated but it was becoming apparent that she had been putting on an act for her husband’s benefit, and her ‘happy mask’ had fallen.

  With Paul out of the way, Helen was about to ask what was going on but Phoebe spoke up first.

  ‘What makes you so cheery anyway, Helen? Or shouldn’t I ask?’

  Helen had placed her mobile on the table in front of her and she glanced at it briefly. ‘I have some news,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, God, she’s in love,’ Phoebe said, trying to draw Julia into the conversation but only managing to raise another weak smile from her friend.

  ‘Actually, that wasn’t what I was going to say,’ said Helen. ‘My news is that Milly has changed her mind. She doesn’t want to live with her dad any more. We had a talk the other night and apparently she’s wanted to say something for ages but was afraid that the arrangements couldn’t be undone. John’s not happy, given how he’s spent a small fortune getting her room ready, money he thought he would be saving by not paying child support. I’ve been trying not to get overexcited – a lot could happen in the next ten days – but she’s sent me a text this morning saying she’s missing me already and she can’t believe she ever thought she could live without me. I’m under strict instructions to pick her straight up the moment we get home from New York.’

  ‘That’s wonderful news,’ Julia said.

  Helen took in the tears welling in her friend’s eyes and the stricken look on her face. ‘OK, what’s going on, Julia?’ she asked. ‘I’m not going to spend the next two hours, let alone the entire holiday, looking at your long face. If you’ve fallen out with Paul then phone him now and sort it out.’

  ‘Our problems can’t be solved by a phone call, not when I don’t know if the person on the other end of the line is telling me the truth or not. We’ve hit a few bumps in our time, but I’m starting to think we might not recover from this one. I think he’s having an affair,’ she said for Phoebe’s benefit in case Helen hadn’t told her. ‘I confronted him about it this morning and he pretty much ignored the question.’

  Phoebe’s eyes widened in shock, although Helen was more inclined to think it might be panic. Helen had thought long and hard about Phoebe’s denials and she wanted to believe her lifelong friend, but it was a simple matter of mathematics. Phoebe’s feelings for Paul had, by her own admission, been reignited, and Paul was acting suspiciously. Phoebe was feeling vulnerable and so was he. They had once dated and they had been spending time alone together. Two and two came to four every time.

  Slow to draw her gaze from Phoebe, Helen asked Julia, ‘Did you ask him where he was on Thursday evening?’

  ‘We didn’t really have time to go into the specifics,’ Julia said.

  ‘Then don’t jump to conclusions. You’re both under a lot of stress, which is completely understandable, but I have every faith in the two of you. You will get through this, Julia. Won’t they, Phoebe?’

  The anxious look on Phoebe’s face became even more pronounced. ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘Thank you both for putting up with me. I promise not to be a miserable cow for the entire holiday and I will phone Paul and clear the air – tonight. I know it’s tough for him at the moment and I should be more understanding, and it’s not like he hasn’t supported me through my monthly devastations.’ Julia’s lip trembled as she tried to smile. ‘And it doesn’t help that I’ve got a raging dose of PMT at the moment.’

  ‘There, that explains it,’ Phoebe offered. ‘It’s just hormones.’

  Julia’s face contorted and she looked as if she were trying on various emotions, seeing which one fitted best. ‘Sorry, I feel a bit queasy. I need to go to the bathroom,’ she said. She picked up her handbag before heading down the aisle towards the toilet, her body swaying as the train jostled her from side to side.

  30

  The Accident

  Lucy was used to feeling unwell but for once she was enjoying the sensation. She felt sick with nerves and had even gone as far as to throw up her breakfast, although she had done so quietly and discreetly. She wasn’t ill, far from it. After years of being constantly aware of her mortality, today Lucy felt very much alive and, if anything, it was her mum who looked as though she wasn’t going to make it through to the end of the day.

  ‘Don’t worry, it’s not that heavy,’ Lucy said when she noticed her mum testing the weight of her suitcase under the guise of moving it so she could sweep up around the front door.

  ‘You won’t push yourself too hard, will you? Let people help, Lucy.’

  ‘Have we ever had a problem finding a helping hand?’ Lucy replied, losing patience. The flight wasn’t until late afternoon and there were far too many hours left for her mum to fill with anxious questions. ‘People take one look at me and fall over themselves to help. I’m your typical charity case.’

  ‘Well, make sure you accept,’ her mum said with a sniff.

  ‘I will, stop worrying.’

  Her mum shook her head. ‘You know I won’t do that until you’re home again.’

  ‘And even then.’

  ‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing?’

  It took a couple of breaths before Lucy had enough air in her lungs to answer her mum. ‘I have to do this, Mum. Is it so wrong to want to live a little?’

  ‘Don’t go thinking you’ll be able to keep up with your sister.’

  ‘No, but I’d like to die trying,’ Lucy snapped back.

  Her mum’s lower lip trembled. ‘Please, Lucy …’

  ‘It’s for five days, Mum. Five. Days. Nothing’s going to happen and I’ll be back before you know it.’

  Their eyes locked and Lucy felt her mum’s fear slither towards her and creep up her spine. She wasn’t so headstrong that she was ignoring the dangers. Something could go wrong so easily, as often happened in her life. A fever could appear out of nowhere or her heart could decide to go into arrhythmia just for the fun of it. Any one of a number of medical cr
ises could strike at any given moment and if she were in the wrong place at the wrong time, then today might be the last day she and her mum spent together. And that was what she was seeing in her mum’s eyes.

  ‘I love you, Mum,’ she said.

  ‘And I love you, more than life itself. I just want you to be safe.’

  ‘Can you at least settle for happy?’ Lucy asked as she drew closer to give her mum the hug they both desperately needed.

  31

  The Pendolino train tilted into a bend and Phoebe glanced out of the window to see the countryside sweep past in a green blur. She knew there was a good chance Helen would start asking some more difficult questions the moment Julia was safely out of earshot, so she attempted distraction.

  ‘I was thinking: we could check out the hotel’s spa once we’ve dumped our bags in our rooms, maybe even book a quick session if we can. The show doesn’t start till eight.’

  ‘Hmm,’ Helen said, not even pretending she had been listening to a word Phoebe had said. She was too busy scrutinizing her friend’s face for the telltale signs of betrayal. ‘How was the driving lesson?’

  Phoebe managed to hold Helen’s gaze for a second or two. ‘Let’s not have this conversation again, Helen.’

  ‘Why? Is it not so easy to lie face to face as it was over the phone?’

  ‘What do you want me to say?’

  ‘I want you to tell me the truth,’ Helen told her. ‘I’m watching my friend’s marriage unravel before my eyes and I’d really like to know if their relationship is under threat before I waste any more time telling Julia she’s being paranoid.’

  As the train rocked from side to side, Julia wasn’t the only one feeling queasy. Phoebe had already received a desperate message from Paul that morning telling her how Julia had made a direct accusation. He was worried that Julia or Helen would wear Phoebe down during the holiday to the point that she might confess all and he had begged her not to.

  ‘It’s all such a mess,’ she managed to say as she thought back to Thursday night, pressed up against the kitchen counter with her legs wrapped around Paul’s waist. The memory churned up her insides all the more and, to her eternal shame, the sensation wasn’t entirely without pleasure even if it was quickly overpowered by self-loathing. Her so-called love for Paul had been flawed from the start and she just wished she hadn’t taken it as far as she had to find that out. There would be no risk of a repeat and they had parted on Sunday as friends, with a shared hope that the guilt etched on their faces wouldn’t give them away. Judging by the frown on Helen’s face, it already had.

  ‘You really want me to tell you?’ Phoebe asked. What she was actually asking for was Helen’s permission to continue with the lie, because at that precise moment she was edging towards the truth and once it was out there would be no going back. Would that be such a bad thing? Could she ever hope to live with such a marriage-shattering, friendship-breaking secret?

  ‘I want you to tell me that you put your friendship above any stupid idea you might have about being in love with someone else’s husband,’ Helen said, but then saw the answer on Phoebe’s stricken face. She put her hand to her mouth and her words were muffled when she added, ‘But you’re not going to tell me that, are you? Oh, Phoebe, what have you done?’

  ‘It was only once,’ Phoebe blurted out, ‘and it wasn’t planned. We both agree it shouldn’t have happened, and—’

  ‘Save it!’ Helen hissed. ‘I don’t want to hear your pathetic explanations.’

  Phoebe looked over her shoulder to make sure Julia wasn’t making her way back from the ladies, before asking, ‘What do we do now?’

  Helen glared at her friend. ‘Seriously? You’ve fucked your best friend’s husband and you’re expecting me to tell you what to do? It’s a bit late worrying about the consequences now, Phoebe!’

  Trying not to think about the carriage full of passengers, who must have overheard Helen’s outburst and would be listening intently to their conversation, Phoebe asked, ‘I mean, do we tell her?’

  Helen was facing in the direction Julia had disappeared and would be watching out for her return. There was still time to salvage the situation although Phoebe had no idea how she was going to do that. She picked up her mobile phone as if it would hold the answers.

  ‘Don’t!’ Helen warned.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t contact Paul. Keep out of it, Phoebe.’

  ‘Why? It’s not like you’re going to keep out of it, is it?’

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong. I’m not going to tell Julia what you’ve done. I couldn’t do that to her, not with everything else they’re going through. You say it’s over? Well, make sure of it. You don’t speak to Paul, you don’t text him – and you certainly don’t take any more driving lessons from him. What you’re going to do is be the best bloody friend you can be to Julia. You make sure this disaster of a holiday is the best it can be and together we’ll do everything we can to send Julia home to her cheating husband with at least some hope for the future. I can’t believe you could have done this to her, Phoebe, or Paul for that matter, although I doubt he’s the only idiot to have his masculinity questioned and thought he could prove it with the first slut who came his way.’

  Phoebe ought to have been relieved that Helen was giving her the chance to carry on as if nothing had happened, but she was too busy being furious that her friend was not only absolving Paul, but conveniently ignoring her own culpability. ‘Hold on! I’m not the only one at fault, Helen. What about you? My nan wasn’t the only one who came between me and Paul, was she? If only we’d been given a chance back then, maybe we wouldn’t have had all those unresolved feelings for each other.’ When Helen’s only response was to stare wide-eyed at her, Phoebe continued, ‘And OK, yes, I had a choice to make this time and I made the wrong one, I know that, but I won’t take the blame alone for the problems in Julia’s marriage.’

  It was only when she drew breath that Phoebe realized that Helen’s glare had been a warning. Julia dropped her handbag onto the empty seat next to Helen before returning to her own seat. ‘I’m such an idiot,’ she said.

  She was waiting for someone to ask why, but Helen and Phoebe had been struck dumb. Phoebe had no idea how much Julia had overheard or how quickly she would jump to the right conclusion.

  ‘I’m almost forty and it’s time I realized there are no happy endings,’ Julia continued.

  Phoebe had no idea where the conversation was going but even if Julia hadn’t picked up on what was going on, it wouldn’t take long for her to realize something was wrong between her two friends. They couldn’t carry on as if nothing had happened – it was impossible. Julia had been right to suspect her husband and the only thing she deserved now was the truth.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Julia,’ Phoebe began. ‘I didn’t mean to …’

  ‘Do you want to know what I’ve just been doing?’ Julia said when Phoebe had left too long a pause. ‘I’ve been sitting on a tiny stainless steel toilet trying to pee on a white stick. It wasn’t easy and I don’t even know why I bothered. It’s not as if aiming straight helps make that magical blue line appear.’

  ‘Oh, Julia, I’m sorry,’ Helen said, ‘but at least there is a line we can draw, one between the past and the present. Isn’t that what this whole trip is supposed to be about, preparing ourselves for the next decade of our lives? It’s a fresh start for all of us.’ She glanced at Phoebe before adding, ‘Just as long as we can hold our nerve.’

  ‘Maybe,’ Julia said and then checked her watch as if she were already aware of time slipping away.

  Phoebe was holding her nerve, but not in the way Helen hoped. Her body tensed as she practised the words, but as she opened her mouth to speak, Julia was already talking.

  ‘I didn’t even look at it,’ she said to Helen. ‘I know it’s a foregone conclusion so what’s the point? I can already feel a bit of cramping.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ Helen said, eyeing Julia with suspicion. ‘Did y
ou throw it away?’

  Julia shook her head. ‘Do you think you could check it for me? I can’t face looking at another negative result. I know what it’s going to say but I’d rather hear the bad news from a friend.’

  ‘I think you’re so right,’ Phoebe said, although no one was paying her any attention.

  When Helen had found the pregnancy test wrapped in toilet roll in Julia’s handbag, Julia said, ‘There are two windows on the stick. One should have a blue line but please don’t go getting all excited. That’s just a control to make sure the test’s worked. It’s only if there’s a blue line in both windows—’

  ‘I know how these things work, Julia,’ Helen said as she began to unwrap it from the folds of tissue.

  Craning her neck to get a better look, Julia added, ‘I just didn’t want you screaming out “it’s positive” the minute you saw a blue line, that’s all.’

  Helen’s brow creased with a frown. ‘Nope,’ she said and immediately offered the stick to Julia. ‘I can’t work it out. I think you should look.’

  Julia recoiled as Helen tried to pass it to her.

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ Phoebe said as she made a grab for the stick. She stared down at the two windows Julia had described and, to her credit, her heart soared even as it was breaking. ‘You’re going to have a baby, Julia,’ she said.

  As Julia glanced at the seemingly unremarkable white plastic stick in Phoebe’s trembling hand, she felt irrational fear rather than the joy that had been denied her for so long. ‘No,’ she managed to whisper when Phoebe tried to pass it to her.

  ‘At least look at it,’ Phoebe offered, turning it so the two blue lines were clearly visible if only Julia would dare to look.