The Goodbye Gift

by Amanda Brooke

  With her mouth agog, Julia didn’t need to squint or strain her eyes in search of that elusive hint of blue. After all this time, there they were – two blue lines. ‘But I can feel cramps. I’m coming on,’ she insisted. ‘It must be wrong.’

  ‘That’s your body preparing to blow up like a balloon over the next nine months,’ Helen said in a soft bedside manner usually reserved for her patients. ‘I’m pretty sure that if ever there’s a false reading, it’s far more likely to be a false negative rather than a false positive.’

  In the last couple of years Julia had conjured up a thousand daydreams of this moment, and whether she was running into Paul’s arms, jumping on the bed to wake him or letting him scoop her up in his arms, in each one of her fantasies her husband had been there. Not once had she imagined delivering the news, not only over the phone but while on a train travelling at high speed in the opposite direction from him. She should have taken the test earlier.

  ‘I need to speak to Paul.’

  ‘Do you want some privacy?’ Helen asked. She was giving Phoebe a meaningful look but it was doubtful Phoebe could see a thing through the tears streaming down her face.

  With difficult decisions still turning over in her mind, Julia said, ‘No, it’s all right. I can’t break something like this over the phone. I need to tell him in person.’

  She looked to her friends and hoped they would suggest what she was loath to.

  ‘You want to get off the train, don’t you?’ Helen asked.

  When Julia nodded, it was Phoebe who considered the practicalities. She sniffed back her tears and said, ‘The next station is Crewe. You should be able to get a train back to Liverpool quite easily from there.’

  ‘Don’t worry about us,’ Helen told her. ‘Do what you think is best for you and Paul.’

  ‘And you could always join us again in a couple of days before we set off for Paris,’ Phoebe continued. ‘It’s a good thing we decided to do the trip this way around. If we’d started off in New York, I don’t think it would have been quite so easy to drop you off mid-Atlantic.’

  ‘Tell him you’re on your way home,’ Helen said. She had already fished out Julia’s mobile from her handbag but hesitated before handing it over. ‘Actually, why don’t you tell him we’re all coming back? I’m not going on this trip without you, Julia, not even one leg of it.’

  Julia was stunned and turned to Phoebe for her reaction.

  ‘Helen’s right. I don’t think any of us are up for this trip right now.’

  Not trusting herself to speak to her husband without giving the news away, Julia’s trembling fingers typed out a text message.

  I’m about to get off the train at Crewe. Don’t ask, just be there when I get home. J x

  After sending the message, Julia’s thoughts began to catch up with her. She wasn’t sure if her friends heard what she said over the squeal of brakes, but then she could hardly believe them herself.

  ‘I’m going to be a mum,’ she said.

  32

  The Accident

  ‘There, that should do for now,’ Anya told Julia when she had finished cleaning and dressing the wound on the back of her hand. She had been forced to listen to Phoebe’s confession about her teenage pregnancy and the nurse’s presence had been as awkward as the silence that followed.

  ‘I’ll be back in five minutes with the registrar,’ she warned, thinking this would be enough time for the two to continue their conversation in private.

  Julia was lying back against her pillow, eyes closed.

  Anya picked up her hand and checked her pulse. ‘Are you feeling OK?’

  Julia grimaced and said, ‘I feel a bit woozy actually.’

  ‘Is she all right?’

  Anya turned to Phoebe, who had dragged herself out of bed while the nurse wasn’t looking and was using her drip stand for support as she took in Julia’s ashen features. ‘She’s probably realizing about now that her body isn’t quite ready to cope with all her exertions, and the same applies to you. Please get back in bed,’ she said.

  ‘I will just as soon as I know she’s all right.’

  Anya was after the same reassurance and asked Julia, ‘Are you in pain?’

  Julia gave a tight nod of the head as if any movement were agony. ‘I’ll be fine in a minute.’

  As Anya slipped on a pressure cuff to check her blood pressure, Phoebe asked, ‘Will the baby be all right?’

  ‘Our first priority is to look after Mum,’ Anya told her, ‘but we’re being cautious.’ When Julia peeled open her eyes, she told her, ‘We’ve scheduled another ultrasound today but I promise you the drugs we’ve been giving you are because you need them. The registrar has said he would like to see you try to eat again. It’s most likely you’ve been suffering from morning sickness, but if you can manage to hold food down then you won’t have to go back on IV fluids. You’ll still need to take the meds though and not just for pain relief. You need antibiotics and anti-inflammatories too. We don’t want complications because anything that endangers your life also affects your pregnancy and that would include such things as discharging yourself and racing across the hospital. I’m sure your friend Helen wouldn’t want you to take those kind of risks.’

  ‘Maybe it wasn’t meant to be,’ Julia whispered. ‘Life’s unfair like that.’

  As Anya checked Julia’s vital signs, she went against her better judgement and let Phoebe remain where she was for the moment. She couldn’t ignore the tension that had been building between the two bedfellows all morning and the strain in their friendship was tangible, so it came as quite a shock when Julia reached over to Phoebe with her free hand. After only a moment’s hesitation, Phoebe grasped it fiercely.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Julia. I hate myself for what I’ve done to you. If I hadn’t been so stupid and selfish then things could have gone so differently yesterday and maybe we wouldn’t have been involved in the accident. If you lose this baby then I’ll never forgive myself.’

  A tear trickled down the side of Julia’s face. ‘Maybe it’s what I deserve.’

  ‘You can’t say that! You have nothing to feel guilty about.’

  ‘Don’t I? It was me, Phoebe,’ she said. ‘I was the one who made sure you broke up with Paul, not Helen.’

  ‘What? I don’t understand. You weren’t around – how could you—’

  ‘I was there for Helen and she was worried about you. Oh, God, Phoebe, I’m so sorry. We talked about the best way to help and, Helen being Helen, was more interested in pretending to be a judge on some talent show than worrying about the consequences. From what she’d said, you were set to go off the rails – I swear I was only trying to get you back on track.’

  ‘Controlling me, just like Nan always did?’

  ‘Yes, I’m afraid so, except I was far more devious. When Helen set off to meet Paul, I went with her,’ Julia said. When she closed her eyes it wasn’t clear if she was reliving the memory or trying to manage her pain. ‘Paul didn’t see me and never knew I was there. I was looking after Milly, standing guard to make sure Helen did what I’d told her to do. I had no idea how involved you were by then and I thought I was helping, Phoebe. You had such potential and I had to stop you throwing your life away,’ Julia gasped. ‘Oh, God, if only I’d known what I was doing.’

  Phoebe swayed as though the revelation had been a physical force ramming into her and her knuckles turned white as she gripped the drip stand to steady herself. Taking a deep breath she looked up to the ceiling in an effort to stem her tears and, only when she was ready, did she lower her chin and focus on Julia. Her voice was strong and resolute. ‘You were being my friend, protecting me. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that.’

  ‘But if I’d known …’ Julia persisted, her voice trailing off.

  It was Phoebe’s turn to wrestle with another kind of pain. ‘You know, I’ve imagined what might have happened if Paul had stuck around, but the truth is, Julia, I don’t think he could have changed a thing. No one w
ould have been able to stand up to my nan. She wasn’t going to let me make the same mistakes as Mum.’

  ‘But did you want to keep it?’

  Anya had finished what she was doing and went over to Phoebe, who was struggling to remain on her feet. The nurse tried to meld into the background as she helped her patient back into bed, which also gave Phoebe enough time to find her answer.

  ‘No, Julia. No, I didn’t,’ Phoebe said firmly.

  ‘And when did you tell Paul?’

  ‘Last week.’

  ‘How did he react?’ Before Phoebe had the chance to answer, Julia added quickly, ‘Actually, you’d better not answer that. We both know how he reacted.’

  ‘Shouldn’t you tell him about the baby – your baby – now?’ Phoebe asked.

  Tipping her head slightly, Julia looked towards the door. ‘He’s taking his time.’

  ‘I expect Sister’s giving him an earful,’ Anya told her. ‘Would you like me to go and tell them you’ve changed your mind about discharging yourself?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  When Anya left the ward, she expected to find Paul Richardson arguing at the nurses’ station with the ward sister, but the corridor was deserted.

  33

  The guard’s whistle sliced through the cold February air and with a reluctant jolt, the train pulled away. In its backdraught, the three friends stood shivering on the platform watching their dream holiday disappear without them. Not one of them looked upset about it.

  Phoebe had spent the last few days dreading going away with Helen and more especially Julia and she was relieved to be off the train. They were still talking about the possibility of resuming their journey in a couple of days, but no one spoke with any real enthusiasm and in the unlikely event that Helen and Julia did want to try again, Phoebe knew she wouldn’t be going with them. She could feel the anger radiating from Helen, and it had only intensified once she realized that Paul hadn’t only cheated on a loving wife, but a pregnant one at that.

  However, it wasn’t Helen’s fury that pained Phoebe most but rather the expression of pure delight on Julia’s face. Her friend was wearing a broad grin that would soon be making her cheeks ache as she pulled out her mobile and checked her messages.

  ‘How about I go and buy our tickets home,’ Phoebe offered.

  ‘No need,’ Julia said. ‘Paul’s already on his way. He should be here within the hour.’

  ‘He’s eager,’ said Helen.

  ‘I know, and he hasn’t even asked why we’re coming home, thank God.’

  Helen gave Phoebe a meaningful look to add to the barrage she had already directed towards her, leaving Phoebe all the more determined to get away from her friends as soon as she could. She didn’t know what would happen after that. Even if they could keep the secret from one of her best friends, she couldn’t imagine being able to repair her relationship with the other. She didn’t blame Helen for hating her, she hated herself. What the hell had she done?

  ‘He’s in for a shock,’ Helen said, ‘and I can’t wait to see his face when you tell him.’

  Phoebe was horrified at the idea. ‘We can’t be there!’

  Helen began dragging her suitcase along the platform. ‘We’re hardly going to disappear with all this baggage. Besides, we’ve been part of this journey too. I think we should be there.’

  Ignoring the next glare directed her way, Phoebe turned to Julia. ‘You don’t want us around when you tell him, do you?’

  Julia was lagging behind as she juggled her hand luggage and suitcase. ‘Helen has a point: you are both a part of this. But,’ she added, ‘I don’t want the news going any further. Getting pregnant is only the first step. We’ve a long way to go yet.’

  ‘Should you be pulling that?’ Phoebe said with a note of concern that surprised her. No one had been at hand to take care of her when she had been carrying Paul’s child, but she refused to feel resentful. She cared too much about Julia, and Paul too for that matter, not to want this for them. It wasn’t that long ago that she had convinced herself that the break-up of Julia’s marriage was inevitable and, if she was brutally honest, it was something she might briefly have hoped for. But the baby was a game changer, and while it would break her heart for more reasons than she could yet fully appreciate, it would make two of the most important people in her life blissfully happy and she had to be happy about that.

  ‘I’m no different than I was this morning when I dragged it into the station,’ Julia said. ‘Now come on, let’s find a café and take the weight off our feet.’

  ‘Yes, you are waddling a bit,’ Helen confirmed.

  They headed straight for a coffee shop and while Helen and Julia debated over what was the ideal refreshment for a mother-to-be, Phoebe made her excuses and headed for the toilets. She didn’t bother going into a cubicle, she was only interested in checking her phone. She had felt it vibrating in her bag shortly after Julia had sent Paul the first text message, but she couldn’t look at it with Helen watching her every move. There was no need to guess who it would be from.

  Have you told her about us?

  What was she supposed to say to that? She couldn’t explain to Paul the real reason why the holiday had been called off. She considered telling him not to worry and suggesting he erase her number from his phone, but she didn’t get the chance.

  ‘Sending a message to Paul by any chance?’ Helen said, catching a glimpse of the phone Phoebe had tried to palm when she heard the door open.

  Phoebe had no strength left to evade the truth. ‘He thinks I’ve told Julia about us.’

  Helen’s features were as cold and unfeeling as the tiled floor. None of her usual jokes or quips were ready on her lips to dispel the frosty atmosphere. ‘What did you tell him?’

  ‘I haven’t replied yet.’

  ‘Well, don’t. It’ll do him good to stew in his own juices for a while.’

  ‘Helen, I’m sorry. Can’t we at least try to recover from this?’

  ‘No,’ she said simply. ‘I honestly can’t see a way past this. Maybe if I had Julia to talk to she might offer some sage advice, but oh no, I can’t do that, can I? What I’m really struggling to understand, Phoebe, is how you can go from being the kind of person who always put her friends and family before herself, to …’ She shook her head, not prepared to describe the person standing in front of her. ‘The only thing I am sure of right now is that, God forgive me, we keep it from Julia. This is her moment, the one that’s been eating her up for the last two years and brought her marriage to the brink. She’s having a baby and nothing else matters.’

  ‘It’s a shame you never gave me the same consideration.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘You didn’t just kill a relationship when you told Paul to keep away from me.’

  Helen was shaking her head as if Phoebe had lost her senses. She couldn’t begin to imagine the damage she had inadvertently caused, or perhaps she didn’t want to.

  ‘Do I need to spell it out, Helen?’ Phoebe asked. ‘I was pregnant.’

  There was a moment when it felt like the world had stopped turning and time slowed until Helen let out a gasp. ‘No!’

  Phoebe remained silent and still. She didn’t need to fill in the gaps; Helen could work it out for herself.

  ‘Jesus, Phoebe, why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘Truthfully?’ Phoebe warned. ‘I knew what you’d say. You were hardly the poster girl for teenage pregnancy, were you? You never stopped complaining about how it had wrecked your life. Nan wouldn’t even enter into a debate about me keeping it, and thanks to you I didn’t have Paul to turn to. Maybe if I’d let Julia back into my life a little earlier she might have been a better ally. Who knows?’

  ‘You wanted to keep it?’

  A sudden rush of emotion made Phoebe feel sick and tears stung her eyes when she said, ‘How could I have looked after a baby?’

  ‘But you wanted it?’ Helen asked, determined to get a direct answer.

  ‘
Yes! Yes, I wanted the baby,’ Phoebe cried, shocking them both by her answer. ‘But I’ve spent the last eleven years trying to convince myself that I would have made a mess of it just like mum did, that my baby would have felt resented instead of loved.’ Phoebe shook her head. ‘But I would have loved my baby, Helen, and of all the things I regret, that’s the thing I regret the most. Not what I might have had with Paul, but what I might have had with my baby if only I’d been given the chance.’

  Helen’s furrowed brow gave away the emotions she was wrestling with, but her words when they came remained harsh. ‘I’m sorry, Phoebe, but none of that excuses what you’ve been doing with Paul.’

  ‘Do you think I don’t know that, Helen? It was a mistake and we both knew that as soon as it happened. You have no idea how sorry I am about it and if I could go back and change things I would. You and Julia are the closest thing I have to family left and I don’t want to lose you. We will get past this, we have to,’ she insisted. ‘You said it yourself, we have to pretend everything is all right for Julia’s sake.’

  ‘And I think that’s the point,’ Helen said and to her credit there was more pain than anger in her voice now. ‘It will be pretending.’

  When they returned to the café, Helen took the seat closest to Julia. She was still reeling from the snatched conversation with Phoebe, and wished she had never followed her into the ladies. She had been carried along by a crimson tide of fury but Phoebe had turned it against her. For years Helen had felt justified in her actions, and even though Paul had turned out to be a decent and honourable man – excepting recent events of course – her conscience had remained clear. She and Julia had been acting with the best intentions at the time, convinced that they were protecting Phoebe from herself as much as the predator they perceived Paul to be. Little had she known that it was Phoebe’s so-called friends that she had needed protecting from the most.

  ‘She’s lonely,’ Helen had told Julia all those years ago when she had turned to her for advice. ‘What’s the harm in her having a bit of fun?’