How to Convince a Boy to Kiss You

by Tara Eglington

  ‘Okay, well, moving forward …’ I quickly changed the subject. ‘The DVD should demonstrate that you’re not alone when it comes to letdowns. In the animal world, it’s generally the male of the species that does the chasing and it’s pretty hard work.’

  Jeffrey pressed play and stared at the underwater scene that materialised on the screen.

  ‘The male seahorse finds it far from easy to woo the female,’ the voiceover began. ‘He repeatedly intertwines his tail with hers, changing colour to indicate his interest in her — a complex dance that often lasts for days at a time. The male also takes on the responsibility of gestation and gives birth several weeks later via his birthing pouch. Exhausted from the lengthy courtship ritual and birth process, the male often dies shortly afterwards.’

  Jeffrey looked uneasy. ‘Aurora, I don’t know about this. Death seems a pretty high price to pay for a regular Friday night date. And I’m not up for a birthing pouch, even if science made it an option.’

  ‘Jeffrey, don’t be a beta male,’ Jelena said. ‘If you want to get lucky, you’ve got to think outside the box.’

  ‘What Jelena means to say,’ I added before Jeffrey could take offence, ‘is that like the animals in the documentary, you need to persevere against the odds.’

  ‘We want you to put more thought into the courtship ritual,’ Lindsay added. ‘We’ve already covered grooming, but we think it’s important for you to consider what women really want.’

  Jeffrey looked as bewildered as Freud probably had when writing upon the subject after a lifetime of study.

  ‘Chocolate?’ he tried.

  ‘That’s true, a lot of the time,’ I admitted, impressed by his insight. Jeffrey looked happier. ‘But when a woman is observing your courtship dance, there are two main things she’s evolutionarily programmed to look for, whether she’s conscious of it or not. Lindsay?’

  ‘If you want to impress a woman, it’s all about protecting and providing,’ Lindsay said. ‘Obviously in this age, we’re not saying women can’t look after themselves both financially and emotionally. The protection and providing they’re seeking are a little different from what they might have been traditionally. Protection might be listening to a girl talk about her bad day, or lending her your jumper to stop her from catching a cold. Providing might be buying her popcorn at the movies, or fetching her a bottle of water if it’s hot and you can tell she’s thirsty.’

  ‘Providing can be material, let’s face it,’ Jelena said. ‘Girls like gifts. Even in the animal world the male often presents the female with elaborate offerings. Gift giving is definitely a smart move, Jeffrey, and to prove my point, Aurora, can you skip ahead to the bowerbird bit?’

  I hit the fast forward button and stopped just as the sequence showing a male bowerbird gathering bits of grass and straw for his bower began. A time-lapse feature showed the nesting quickly progress from humble beginnings to a tent-like shape resplendent with blue objects scattered here and there.

  ‘Once the structure is complete, the male bird begins his wait,’ the voiceover noted. ‘Until a female appears he will fuss over the decorative elements, often painting the walls of the bower with smashed berries, doing his utmost to finetune all elements so that a potential mate will be impressed.’

  ‘Now that is effort,’ Jelena said, as a female bird showed up and inspected the bower with a critical gaze. ‘If a guy built me a house and decked it out with shiny things, I would definitely be saying yes to a date. This is what men need to realise: the more elaborate the gesture, the better. Stingy men never land themselves supermodels.’

  ‘I’m saving for a house, but that’s kind of like fifteen years away, what with how much I earn from working at Woolies. Am I going to be single for fifteen years?’ Jeffrey looked terrified at his inability to provide to the level of Jelena’s expectations.

  ‘Maybe —’ Jelena started.

  ‘No!’ I cut her off. ‘Jeffrey, neither Lindsay nor I are dating guys who’ve presented us with fully furnished apartments. But Jelena’s right in one way: girls like effort and planning. The best way you can demonstrate this is by asking them out on a date.’

  ‘Dinner, not coffee,’ Lindsay specified. ‘Taking me to a restaurant means that you’re feeding me, which to a girl says, “He’s considering my needs, not just his.” The more thoughtful and unusual the date, the more the girl knows that you don’t just see her as a hook-up.’

  ‘Unfortunately, even though it wasn’t the case, that was what Ruby and Jemima got suspicious of,’ I explained to Jeffrey. ‘So in order to avoid a repeat situation, we suggest you ask Piper out on a special date.’

  ‘Okay, so plan romantic and interesting date. What else?’ Jeffrey, to his credit, had grabbed a notepad.

  ‘Be a good listener,’ I added. ‘Girls bond through talking. Guys don’t realise that they’re missing out on an opportunity by staying strong and silent. Girls will give you all the secrets about what they truly want if you focus on what they say and don’t tune out. Say a girl mentions she likes strawberry ice-cream. When you invite her round to watch a movie a couple of weeks later, you can have a tub waiting. Major points scored.’

  ‘It’s when boys stop talking to their girlfriends that things go wrong,’ Lindsay said sagely.

  I looked over at her, wondering where she was at with Tyler.

  Jeffrey nodded furiously as he scrawled down our tips.

  ‘It’s also crucial to make her feel like the only girl in the world,’ Lindsay added emphatically.

  ‘Women want romance, conversation, commitment and consideration,’ I summarised. ‘It’s pretty simple really.’

  ‘Did you get all of that?’ Jelena said, looking sternly at Jeffrey.

  She was keenly aware that her election hung on his adoption of these courting essentials.

  ‘How was your date?’ I asked Lindsay as she took the seat next to me at Monday morning assembly.

  She’d cancelled our post-Jeffrey catch-up, as Tyler had planned a surprise and made her promise to reserve Sunday afternoon for him.

  ‘We went to a restaurant on the beach,’ she said.

  ‘Lovely.’

  ‘It should have been. It’s funny, when I was sitting there watching the waves crash higher and higher up the sand, I started thinking of the weirdest thing. Do you remember that speech we did from Julius Caesar for English last year? The one that took me forever to memorise, even though it’s not long?’

  ‘Of course. “There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune” — that’s the one, right?’

  ‘The last few lines kept running through my head: “On such a full sea are we now afloat; and we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.” I feel like last week’s camp was the high tide for me and Tyler. He should have gone with the current while it was there.’

  ‘But that’s the whole thing with Julius Caesar, remember? It’s all about fate versus free will. Do you think fate is guiding you and Tyler? Or do you think you can turn the tide yourself?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Lindsay said. ‘I’m going by what I’m feeling, and I feel so different from this time last week.’

  We fell silent as Mr Quinten took the stage. ‘Well, it’s a musical extravaganza today, as we’ve got Hunter Greene and the school orchestra performing something very special.’

  The orchestra members filed onstage and Hunter approached the mike.

  ‘Good morning. Today we’ll be performing a piece by Hector Berlioz, and I thought I’d tell you a little bit about it before we begin so you can understand the work in its context. Berlioz, a French Romantic composer, is one of my favourites to perform, not only because of the emotional power of his compositions but also because he was inspired by other art forms of his time, notably literature. Last week I was telling someone the story of Berlioz and how he was simultaneously introduced to Shakespeare — whose work would become a defining inspiration for him — and the love of his
life, Harriet Smithson, on the same night.’

  The audience, who had seemed distracted and bored when Hunter started speaking, had gone quiet, waiting to hear more.

  ‘In 1828, when Berlioz was a struggling young musician, he attended two Shakespeare productions — Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet. Not only was he completely enthralled by Shakespeare’s genius, he also saw Harriet Smithson, an Irish-born actress, playing the parts of Ophelia and Juliet and fell head over heels for her. Berlioz was a pretty intense guy by nature and he set about pursuing Harriet relentlessly. He sent love letter after love letter to the hotel where she was staying, but his heavy-handed approach scared her and she rejected him. Berlioz poured all of his unrequited feelings for her into the Symphonie Fantastique, which is the story of a young artist who falls hopelessly in love with his dream girl. The work was a tremendous success; however, Harriet and Berlioz didn’t meet again until four years later in 1832, when Symphonie Fantastique was performed in Paris. Berlioz sent Harriet tickets for the best seats in the house, hoping she would attend. She did show up, and when she realised that this remarkable piece was based on Berlioz’s regard for her, she began crying. A year later, she and Berlioz were married.’

  A chorus of ‘ahhs’ broke out amongst the girls, including me. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard this story before. To have a man so in love with you he created a symphony — now that was a Potential Prince!

  ‘Beautiful story, isn’t it?’ Hunter continued. ‘Today we’ll be playing the first two movements for you. I hope you enjoy them. And to the person I first shared this story with last week — this is for you.’

  Hunter sat down with the orchestra and put his violin to his shoulder. I scanned the room for Chloe. Imagine if she was away or not at assembly and had missed her shout-out! It was obviously meant for her — I’d overheard her and Hunter rhapsodising about several classical composers while on camp. There she was! I saw that her eyes were glowing as she watched Hunter.

  Jelena, sitting next to me, had also turned to look at Chloe. Now she swung round and gave me a thumbs-up. I gave her one back. Even though I had faith in the Find a Prince/Princess Program™, I was shocked at how fast it had worked. For someone as quiet as Hunter to be making an almost public declaration, he had to be enraptured with Chloe. Just like Berlioz, he obviously fell hard once presented with the right girl. And my program was responsible for delivering that girl. As I sat there letting the extraordinary music wash over me, imagining Chloe and Hunter holding hands come election day, my heart squeezed happily. Finding true love for other people gave me almost as great a thrill as knowing Hayden was mine.

  When the piece finished, everyone sat in silence before breaking into enthusiastic applause. It wasn’t every day that classical music got high-school students excited, but Hunter’s story had set the scene, helping us understand the emotion of the music.

  Lindsay looked absolutely blown away. ‘I can’t believe it!’

  ‘I know!’ I said. ‘I never saw this coming. Especially considering his personality!’

  ‘Aurora …’ Lindsay looked like she wanted to either cry or say something hugely important. ‘You know how Hunter was talking about passion —’

  ‘Linds, passion means different things to different people,’ I cut in. ‘Tyler might not be musical or write you symphonies, but he does love you to pieces. We all know that.’

  For some reason what I’d said seemed to make Lindsay unhappier rather than boost her spirits.

  ‘Aurora, I can’t work with Hunter and Chloe any more.’

  ‘What?’ This was out of the blue.

  ‘I just don’t feel comfortable, not after what happened.’

  ‘Hunter’s comment the other night? Lindsay, you can’t let his take on love and passion make you doubt your own relationship choices.’

  ‘Just trust me on this one.’ Lindsay’s face was troubled. ‘I’m more than happy to keep helping out with Jeffrey and Sara, and I wouldn’t bow out unless I knew that you were more than capable of assisting Chloe to find the right man.’

  I wanted to press her further for an explanation, but something told me not to. ‘Which is evidently Hunter,’ I said instead.

  Lindsay remained silent.

  ‘You don’t think he’s a good match for her?’

  I was really worried now. Had Lindsay found out something negative about Hunter during their time together at camp? Was that why she didn’t want to be around him?

  ‘No, he’s very compelling,’ she said. ‘It’s just —’

  ‘Good morning, everyone.’

  Lindsay and I looked to the front as Alex’s voice came over the microphone. He’d obviously come onto the stage while we’d been immersed in our conversation. ‘I thought I’d use today’s assembly to update you on a policy that I’m introducing as part of my campaign. Three weeks ago, my fellow candidate Jelena Cantrill discussed how many hours were spent at Jefferson.’

  Jelena immediately sat bolt upright.

  ‘I believe it came to four hundred and twenty-one thousand, two hundred minutes,’ Alex said. ‘That fact really got me thinking. As you know from the group workouts we’ve been conducting at the gym, I’m all about efficiency — that is, using your time wisely to maximise results.’

  ‘I’ve gained four kilos of muscle mass from your tips!’ a guy yelled from the back of the room.

  ‘And as you just heard, I’m proud to say that my methods work.’ Alex nodded towards the guy. ‘What I want to propose today is that we start to think about our school day like we think about our workouts. Just like exercise, school should be a priority; however, more time spent doesn’t always equal better gains. That’s why I’m not proposing social events or excursions as part of my campaign. These things really only maximise the amount of time you spend at Jefferson, and honestly, if you’ve got a healthy life balance, there should be plenty of after-school and weekend activities that you’re excited about attending anyway. You don’t need school dances to have an active social life. I’m all about making the hours when you are required to be at Jefferson work more efficiently for you. Playing with time, if that’s what you want to call it.’

  ‘Oh, don’t go with the I-have-godlike-powers angle,’ Jelena muttered under her breath.

  ‘You all know how blurry you feel when you arrive at school at 8 am,’ Alex continued. ‘The coffee hasn’t kicked in and you’re already being asked to work out maths problems or analyse petri dishes. But what if it didn’t have to be this way? Recently, detailed studies have shown that at least twenty per cent of high-school students micro-sleep at least once during their school day.’

  ‘Only once?’ Travis yelled out. ‘More like once every ten minutes!’

  Alex laughed. ‘Scientists know that the teen brain is still developing and requires about nine hours of sleep a night, which many students, due to travel and the early start, miss out on. This affects their performance at school, which in turn has an impact upon their marks. The consequences of this can be severe in Year Twelve, when your final results are crucial to win a spot at your university of choice. So, what if we rethought the school day? What if seniors had an extra hour of sleep and began at 9 am?’

  His suggestion caused immediate chaos. Students were cheering and stamping their feet in approval. Jelena shot the guy next to her a dirty look when he knocked her armrest in his enthusiasm.

  ‘Many parents on the school board may find this revolutionary, but it’s their children’s futures at stake!’ Alex shouted over the microphone as teachers tried to regain control of the room. ‘What I’m talking about isn’t a first. The One Hour Later approach has been trialled at a number of schools, and scientists found that not only did teachers report their students were more alert and focused throughout the day, but depression amongst students also dived. Parents found their kids to be more emotionally stable just as a result of a little extra sleep. Now, I need to be straight with you. This isn’t a change that can happen the very day I get vot
ed in,’ Alex warned.

  ‘The day I get voted in!’ Jelena was gripping the arms of her seat, visibly restraining herself. ‘He might want to remind himself there are two other candidates in the running.’

  I could tell how upset she was. Alex’s suggestion was the most radical to ever be put forward by a school captaincy candidate. Even though Jelena was undeniably popular and had run a compelling campaign so far, it was hard to compete with what Alex was offering. This would be the talk of the week, if not the month.

  ‘In most schools, the introduction of the program took about a year to trial and officially approve,’ Alex said.

  There were groans and Jelena looked slightly appeased.

  ‘But we’re talking about great change here, people, and that takes time. Let’s face it, this is way bigger and better than extra class trips, or vanity items in the girls’ bathrooms. Ladies, hair straighteners might be a nice lure, but your looks are going to benefit far more from extra beauty sleep. For all you guys who’ve been coming to the gym with me, this is the extra rest time that your bodies need to repair torn muscle fibres and build that physique you’re training so hard to achieve. So by jumping on board and voting for me, most of you will gain yourselves a year of extra sleep-ins throughout Year Twelve. If our school year is roughly thirty-nine weeks, then I work that out to be about eleven thousand, seven hundred extra minutes of sleep gained. Not bad. So vote Alex West for school captain!’

  The applause and cheers were ear-shattering. Mr Quinten was barely able to wrap up assembly.

  Jelena was almost purple with suppressed rage as she marched out of the auditorium. ‘I really want to say a bad word right now. What a bunch of lies. There’s no way he’ll get that type of thing passed, what with curriculum requirements and teacher-and-parent politics! But just about everyone here is too stupid to realise that.’

  Several heads turned in response to her comment.

  ‘Actually, that’s an incorrect assessment,’ Alex said, just behind us. He slipped on his Armani shades as he exited the auditorium. ‘As I said, this type of change has been implemented in quite a number of schools.’