As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  I envy them. They look like a family that has figured out how to navigate through their differences and love each other for who they are anyway. It’s beautiful, and I would trade my relationship with Addy for this motley crew any day.

  I really need to get back to work, but looking through Mrs. Fellows’ pictures stirs something in me. I pull up the album of pictures I’ve taken of the other counselors and find one of Addison. Why can’t we be wonderfully different and be perfectly happy together in that? She’s spent her life trying to change me and I’ve let her. Now that I don’t want that anymore she doesn’t know what to do with me; she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with me if I’m not asking “how high?” every time she tells me to jump. I want to be more than that. I’m not sure how I’ll achieve it, but I’ll get there now that I’m finally starting to see myself.

  My friends, my friends, from camp are a good place to start. Amy and Matthew, Bridget and Carrie, Dave and Pete … I’ve never felt like I had to be someone else around them. And then there’s Miller. I click through the pictures until I find him. Everything about him is honest, and he’s not afraid of anything. I want to be like that. I want to look at life and not be scared. Miller inspires that in me. He inspires me to look at life in a way I never have before. It’s scary as hell and I know now that’s okay.

  I have to tell him, and I have to tell him right now. But I have to do something I should have done weeks ago. I have to break things off with Cal. After I end things with Cal I have to talk to Miller. I have to apologize, again. I can’t stand the thought of him being angry with me. I want him to look at me with the same eyes he did the morning he took me to watch the sunrise. I want him to forgive me for being so oblivious. I want … him … and I have to tell him that.

  I close out the albums and shut down my computer before I pack it up and shove the case under my bed. It’s stopped raining but it’s still muddy out so I throw my rain boots on and make a beeline for the dining hall. I know most of the kids will be there doing indoor activities with Amy and Tiffany. I’m sure one of them will know where Cal is.

  I charge through the camp, not caring how many puddles I stomp into or the mud it flings up at me. I wipe my face more than once of the brown, slimy goo. When I reach the dining hall I see Amy organizing something on a side table.

  “Hey!” I shout to Amy above the pre-pubescent noise. “You’re not here by yourself are you?”

  “No, Mrs. Rogers is in the back getting some extra supplies. These kids are going through crafts like it’s the end of the world and a popsicle stick creation is their ticket to Heaven!” Amy laughs.

  “Where’s Tiffany? I thought she was scheduled with you,” I ask.

  “She went to the admin office to get some printer paper. Some of the kids want to do cut-out snowflakes and Mrs. Rogers says we don’t have enough paper for that here. What’s up? You look like you’re on a mission.”

  “Actually … I was wondering if you knew where Cal was.” Amy’s eyes widen with glee and she hugs me.

  “You’re going to do it aren’t you? You’re going to drop his ass!” she cheers a little too loudly, causing some young ears around us to perk up. “Oh please! Like you’ve never heard the word ass before! Get back to your crafting!” she laughs.

  “Yeah, I’m going to break things off with him. I just got thinking after you left that if I’m going to … think clearly about anyone else … I had to get rid of anything fogging up my brain. Right?”

  “Hell yes! I’m so proud of you! I wish I knew where he was so I could go and watch, but I don’t. Everything is kind of off today, you know. Maybe try the pavilion?” she offers.

  “That sounds good. I’ll go there first. I guess if I had to I could wait until dinner, but I’d rather get it over with now,” I tell her. I don’t tell her about my encounter with Miller and him telling me he wanted me to choose him over Cal. I don’t know what he’s going to say when I see him. He may be so mad at me that he’s changed his mind.

  “I agree! And you should do it fast, like ripping off a Band-Aid. No! Make it long and drawn out so he stews!”

  “You’re getting way too into this, you know that, right?” Amy nods with a huge smile and all I can do is give her a big hug before I leave the dining hall and walk the path that goes past the lake and leads to the pavilion. There’s a shortcut that would take me past the boys’ cabins and then Mr. and Mrs. Fellows’ cabin: a known, but unmarked path. But with the rain today, I think the safer path is better. Besides, it’ll give me more time to think about what I’m going to say.

  What am I going to say? I hadn’t gotten that far. All I know is that I have to end this lie with Cal that I’ve been trying to make a truth. I liked things the way they were with us. I hope we can go back to that, but even if they can’t, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be with Cal and there’s no reason to pretend I do.

  I’ve just passed the dock and the lake and I’m about to take the fork in the path that will lead to the pavilion when I see Miller walking toward me. He keeps walking, barely making eye contact as he passes me.

  “Hey!” I turn and yell to him. He stops and turns to me, his expression cold and hard. “I mean … hey.” I lower my voice, not wanting to sound aggressive.

  “Shouldn’t you be holed up in your room editing pictures, or sneaking around with your boyfriend?” His tone is dripping with sarcasm and pain. He still won’t look directly at me, which is more painful than anything else for me since Miller is the first person who’s ever really seen me.

  “I’ve been editing all day, and I’m actually looking for Cal,” I tell him.

  “Well, I don’t know where he is, so …” Miller begins to turn to walk away from me.

  “You should ask me why I’m looking for him,” I call.

  “Why should I do that?”

  “Because … you just should,” I tell him, unable to explain myself.

  Miller shakes his head. “Kinley, I don’t want to know about anything that has to do with you and Cal.”

  “Even if I told you I was breaking things off with him?” I hold my breath, waiting for some kind of response from Miller. He’s not saying anything and I’m beginning to wonder if I only said what I said in my head.

  He takes several steps toward me, stopping an arm’s length away. “Why? Why are you breaking up with him?” Miller asks me, looking confused and hopeful at the same time.

  “I’m not even sure I’m with him, but, whatever it is that Cal and I are doing … it’s not what I want … not who I want.”

  “Kinley … don’t do this because we had some dramatic conversation in the rain and now you feel sorry for me,” Miller begins.

  “Feel sorry for you? Why would I …”

  “I stood there like sad puppy and poured my heart out to you, practically begging you to choose me over him. I put you in a terrible position and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. But don’t say anything else unless you really mean it.” He looks at me and I see a glimmer of the connection we’ve shared begin to resurface. My heart flips over inside my chest and I breathe a small sigh of relief.

  “I’m sorry I was oblivious to what was going on. It never occurred to me that you wanted more than a friendship.” My efforts at explaining myself have increased slightly and I think I might actually get through this without fumbling again.

  “I should have been honest with you. I knew you had this thing with Cal going on, but I knew he was so wrong for you. I thought if we spent enough time together that you’d see that, too.”

  “Cal and I were friends from last summer. We kept in touch all year and, if I’m honest, I had big crush on him. I would never have imagined Cal would be interested in me, but Addy said he was and then he didn’t waste any time when we got here. But … nothing has ever felt right. We don’t have a lot in common and there’s clearly a division on moral issues. I went along with it because I promised Addison I would be open to him.” I pause, knowing I have to be
totally honest with Miller, but mostly with myself. “That’s not completely true. I went along with it because … when is a guy like Cal Harper going to be into a girl like me? The wild thing is that I’ve always seen how Cal and I were all wrong for each other. I was just afraid to be the first one to say it because, I don’t know … it was like looking a gift horse in the mouth or something.

  “You and I are started hanging out and I began feeling something with you I’ve never felt before: comfortable. Comfortable with you, with myself. I’m with you and I don’t worry if I’m wearing or saying the right thing. I don’t think about what Addy would do because she’s not my benchmark when I’m with you. When I’m with you I think about wanting to know more about you, wanting you to tell me every single detail about your life. I want to know the stories behind every tattoo you have, every piece of art in your sketch pad, and every word you’ve written in your notebook. I want to show you every picture I’ve ever taken and tell you about every country I want to photograph one day. I want to get up before dawn and watch the sunrise with you again and again. I … am rambling and you’re just standing there looking at me and now I can’t help but be freaked out by what I just said so please say or do something … anything.”

  Miller steps even closer to me, so close that I immediately put both of my hands on his chest, over his heart, as he rests his hands on my hips. His hands are on my hips and I don’t even care. I smile at him, feeling so at ease and exhilarated at the same time. A strong breeze whips through the trees and a loose lock of my hair falls in my face. Miller takes it between his fingers and tucks it behind my ear and the softest smile spreads across his face.

  “Kinley,” he begins. Miller says my name and it falls on my ears like sweet music. His fingers lace into my hair and he holds my head in his hand, gently pulling my face closer to his. He’s going to kiss me and I’m more excited in this moment than I was either time I kissed Cal.

  Cal.

  “Miller.” I manage to allow his name to escape my lips in a breathy moan. I wish it were out of uncontrolled passion, but it’s not. I’m technically still with Cal. To kiss Miller right here, right now, as much as I’m dying to, wouldn’t be right. “I can’t.”

  Taken off-guard, he actually shakes his head and blinks his eyes a few times. “What’s wrong?”

  “Cal … which I know is absolutely the last word that should leave my mouth right now, but … he still thinks I’m with him. It just doesn’t seem right for me to be like this with you, even though I really like being with you like this,” I explain. I wait for him to comprehend what I’m saying, and after a moment it seems to sink in.

  “That’s cool. I mean, not totally cool because I have wanted to kiss you for a while now,” he says with a crooked smile.

  “I’m sorry,” I say.

  “It’s okay, Kinley. I want to kiss you, but I understand.”

  “So, we’re good now, right?” I ask hopefully.

  “We’re more than good. And, as soon as you break things off with Cal, we’ll be perfect.” Miller’s eyes lock mine and the warmest feeling rushes through me. This connection he’s talked about since the moment we met is so real I didn’t know it could exist. He looks at me and my longing to be seen in fulfilled. He looks at me like he thinks I might be magic and it’s wonderful.

  “C’mon, walk with me. Until you say different, we’re back to being only friends, but you have to know I’m sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for you to give me the green light.”

  “As soon as I see him, his light will turn red, and yours will most definitely turn green,” I say with what I know is a sugary sweet tone. I can’t help it. Apparently Miller brings that out in me. “So … what were you doing out here?”

  “I was on my way to clean off the canoes,” he tells me. “Now that it stopped raining, Mr. Fellows asked me to get them ready in case there was time for some of the kids to go out on the water before dinner.”

  “By yourself? That seems like a pretty big job. What are there? Fifteen canoes?” I ask. Just the idea of cleaning fifteen canoes, even with some help, seems daunting … and gross.

  “I was still kind of upset. I just wanted to be alone,” he says quietly.

  “Oh,” I begin, unsure of what to say. I don’t want to rehash everything with him because it’s just not necessary. At the risk of sounding like my sister, I just want to move on. “I’m happy to help if you’d like.”

  “That’d be awesome,” Miller says with a bright smile. “So, are you any closer to resolving things with Addison?”

  “I don’t know. She made a small attempt at an apology earlier today, which was a huge move for her. I hate that things are this way between us. I’m sure we’ll recover, but I think I’m going to make her sweat a little longer. Probably just a day or two and then we’ll sit down and hash it out,” I tell him. “The whole thing has sucked, but it’s actually been really good for me. Have you ever had a moment when the light gets turned on and all of the sudden you’re seeing things clearly? This summer has kind of been kind of switch-flipping for me,” I chuckle.

  “That morning with Kate in the kitchen. It was pretty life-changing,” he says with a peaceful expression.

  “Life-changing sounds pretty extreme, but I suppose it has been to some extent.” I breathe a sigh as we keep walking. We’re at the canoe rack by the lake in no time. There are a few on one of the big racks, but the rest are up the sandy part of the shore. There’s one that’s dangerously close to the water so we pull that one in and slide it next to the others.

  “These are so seriously gross.” I make a face and Miller laughs. “What?”

  “You’re just cute,” he says. I just roll my eyes and smirk, woefully unprepared on how to respond to a compliment from him now that we’re on the brink of something. Cal said I was cute once, but somehow when the words roll off Miller’s lips it sounds so different.

  “I think we’re missing one.” I count the canoes again and still come up with fourteen. I check the water to see if maybe another one had been too close to the water and drifted out during the rain but don’t see anything.

  “There it is. How did it get all the way down there?” Miller points down to the far end of the shore to a red canoe perched against a tree, nowhere near the water. “I bet it’s those kids again. I had to shoo away a couple of fourteen-year-olds having a make-out session. I’ll tell you another secret: we guys get the better end of the deal on that. At that age, you’ve got way more to offer than we do,” he chuckles.

  “That, too, is no secret,” I laugh with him.

  “All right, you two. Put your pants back on and go play with your Legos or something. Stop trying to grow up so fast!” he calls to them.

  The kids emerge from the canoe, only they aren’t kids. It’s Tiffany, with her shirt off and a boob hanging out of her bra, and a shirtless Cal with his pants undone.

  Chapter 11

  I can’t breathe. It feels like there’s an anvil sitting on my chest. This feels like one of those situations you think you know what you’ll do if or when it happens, but the reality is that you’re too stunned to respond in any way at first.

  Cal looks at me, his eyes filled with shock at being caught in the act of cheating on me. I guess that’s what you call it. I mean, we hadn’t made anything super official, but he has kissed me twice and we’ve been spending all this time together. All my friends here have been telling me over and over again what a douchebag Cal is, but I defended him. I said they just didn’t know him like I did. I guess I didn’t know him all that well because I never would have thought he would do something like this.

  “I can explain, Kinley,” Cal says as he begins his excuse.

  “That’s what you’re leading with?” Miller asks sarcastically.

  “Shut up, Miller. This doesn’t concern you.” Daggers shoot from Cal’s eyes to Miller.

  “Just let him explain, Kinley,” Tiffany chimes in.

  “Miller, Tiffany … I would
like both of you to leave please,” I say with disturbingly calm tone.

  “I’m not leaving you here with him, Kinley,” Miller begins.

  “Oh, please! What do you think is going to happen?” Cal challenges Miller’s protectiveness. Miller steps forward to counter Cal’s remarks but I stop him. I can’t let this turn into the moment Miller has been waiting for.

  “Miller, please.” My eyes haven’t left Cal since he stood up in the shaky, red canoe with his pants undone.

  “You should leave, Tiff.” Cal reiterates my wishes to Tiffany and from my periphery I see him help her out of the canoe. After a moment she’s gone and I’m left standing there with Cal and Miller.

  “You have no idea how badly I want to kick your ass right now,” Miller says to Cal as he approaches me. “I’ve been waiting all summer for you to show your true colors and give me the chance, but I have a feeling whatever Kinley is going to say to you will tear you apart more than I ever could.” Miller stands in front of me, cutting off my view of Cal. “Are you sure you want me to leave?” I nod and Miller gives a tight-lipped smile. “Remember: the switch has been flipped.”

  Miller walks away and my focus on Cal becomes clear again. He steps out of the canoe and only then does he realize that his pants are still undone. He zips and buttons his shorts and grabs his shirt from inside the canoe. He doesn’t put it on right away, giving me the suspicion that he’s trying to use his body as a distraction. When I don’t respond to his undeniably sexy chest and abs, he sighs, defeated, and pulls his shirt over his head.

  “Kinley…” he begins.

  “No. You don’t get to go first. I’m going to talk before what you say makes what I have to say sound like some pathetic rebuttal. You’re a jerk, Cal. I’ve been defending your douchebaggery to my friends, but you just proved them right. I thought you were different. I thought we were at least friends. And that’s what I wanted to tell you. I wanted things to work out between us, but the more time we spent together, the more I realized that what we are … what we were … was really good friends. So, even before I walked in on this humiliating scene, I was going to break things off with you. I thought that maybe we could go back to being friends, but after this, there’s no way that’s going to happen.” I did it. I got it out. My heart is pounding like a drum and might actually explode from my chest, but I did it.