As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  “I am so sorry, Kinley. I never meant to hurt you. We were good friends. I’d still like us to be great friends.” Cal’s voice is full of remorse. My softer side wants to tell him it’s okay and that we can still be friends. I was going to break up with him anyway. I don’t do that, though. I proudly stick to my guns the way I have with Addison.

  “You humiliated me and broke my heart,” I say.

  “You were already going to break up with me,” he replies.

  “That’s beside the point, Cal. As far as you knew, I was crazy about you. Why would you do this to me?” I break down and ask the most obvious of questions that never has a good enough answer.

  “Do you want the truth?”

  “Well I’m certainly not interested in you lying to me any longer than you already have been.” I let sarcasm permeate my tone, a move I wouldn’t normally do with anyone other than Addison, and sometimes my stepmother.

  “Tiffany and I had gone out a few times when Addison emailed me and asked if I could do her a favor,” he begins.

  “Wait. What? Addison emailed you?” My brow furrows together, confused by what my sister has to do with this.

  “Yeah. She said you could use a confidence boost and asked ifI would consider taking our friendship to the next level. Tiffany and I had only been out a couple of times, and there wasn’t really any commitment there, so I agreed. She said you had been pretty down and‒‒”

  “My sister contacted you and asked you to date me as a favor to her? To boost my self-esteem?”

  “It started out that way, but the more time we spent together the more I thought that maybe it could be more. But, like you said, we were just made to be better friends than anything.” Cal steps forward in an attempt to engage me, but I step back from him.

  “What were you going to do at the end of the summer? Break up with me? Save a make-out session with Tiffany for a more public setting where I would find you? Funny that neither of you thought how being dumped might be a little deflating for me.”

  “I don’t know what I was going to do. We hadn’t gotten that far yet.”

  “What, like in the planning and strategy of it all? Did Addy tell you what to do with me and when?” Call just stares at me, not answering. “Oh my God. Was anything we did together real?” I don’t know what to feel. Everything I thought was true with Cal was a complete lie orchestrated by my sister.

  “Kinley … I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to get hurt. Addison just wants you to be happy. I just wanted you to feel special,” he tries to explain.

  “The only person Addison wants to be happy is herself.” I rake my fingers through my hair as I gather my thoughts. I could go on and on about how Addison’s only goal in life is to make sure everyone else’s revolves around her, but that could take a while to detail. “I expect that from my sister. The worst part in all of this is that you went along with her twisted plan. I liked being friends with you, Cal. I liked that you talked to me and shared things with me like real friends do. Those are the ways you made me feel special. But … you ruined everything by going along with my sister’s messed-up idea helping me.” I begin to walk away and Cal calls after me, following close behind.

  “Kinley, please understand. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. She said you had been in a bad place. Some guy at school had broken your heart and that you just really needed someone to lift your spirits, remind you how special and wonderful you are,” he says as he catches up with me. Despite the fact that he’s almost a foot taller than me, Cal is working to keep up with my pace.

  “Wow. This just keeps getting better and better. Lies, Cal. All lies. Now I know that we weren’t ever really friends because a real friend would have asked me about something like that. A real friend would have tried to find out how I was doing and be there for me!” I don’t stop walking or even bother to look over at Cal. At first I’m not sure where I’m even walking. I didn’t start with a place in mind. All I really wanted was to get away from Cal. Now I realize that I’m making a bee-line to the dining hall to see if Amy knows where I can find Addison. I swing open the door and make eye contact with Amy after noticing Tiffany in the back corner, hiding behind some kids and pretending to not be there.

  “Where’s Addy?” I ask bluntly.

  “Um … I think she’s at the pavilion,” she answers quickly, seeing the urgency in me.

  I turn around to walk back the direction I just came from and Cal stops me.

  “What are you doing, Kinley?” He takes me by the shoulders, keeping me from moving.

  “I’m going to find my sister and set things straight with her,” I bark at him. His hands are tight on me so I don’t even attempt to squirm away from him. “Don’t try to stop me, Cal. You and I are done. Now this is between me and my sister.” There is a determined fire in my eyes that Cal can’t ignore.

  Realizing how serious I am, he releases me. “Just don’t do anything you’re going to regret. She may have royally screwed things up, but she’s still your sister.”

  “She just lost that title.”

  I storm off toward the pavilion, opting to take the shortcut I avoided earlier. Cal isn’t far behind but he’s stopped trying to talk to me. With how drastically I’m acting right now, he might actually be a little scared of me right now, which is fine with me.

  The kids are all gathered in the open-air structure being directed by one of the lead counselors in some kind of team-building exercise while the other counselors are standing on the sidelines watching. Addison sees me approaching, her smile quickly fading as she sees how upset I am. She notices Cal following me and her expression changes altogether.

  “Kin! What’s wrong? What happened?” she asks as she meets me several yards away from the pavilion and out of earshot from the kids..

  “You are what happened!” I say with fierceness.

  “I’m sorry … what?” Addy looks at me with confusion painting her face. I can’t tell if she’s faking it or just hasn’t put it together yet.

  “Cal told me everything.”

  “I … don’t know what you’re talking about.” Addy looks over my shoulder at Cal as if to solicit his support.

  “She knows everything, Addison,” he confirms.

  Addison holds her breath, waiting for me to say or do something, but I wait. I wait to hear what pathetic excuse for reasoning comes out of her mouth. I wait to see how she’s going to try and backpedal her way out of this. She’s already in a big hole, so this should be interesting.

  “Kinley,” she begins quietly. Our friends have gathered around us, and as much as Addy loves to be in the spotlight, this isn’t the kind of attention she lives for. “Let’s just go back to The Lodge and talk about this.”

  “Why, Addison? You set this whole thing up with Cal so everyone would see how special I am. I want to make sure everyone knows just how special you are.” My tone is harsh and I don’t care. She put me on display with Cal for her own benefit and now it’s her turn.

  “Please,” she whispers as she steps closer to me. “Everyone is watching.”

  “Why, Addy? Why would you humiliate me like this?” I ask, ignoring her request to relocate this fight.

  “I just wanted you to feel wanted,” she answers slowly.

  “Even if it was a lie? You robbed me of the genuine feeling of truly being wanted. It was all fake! You even told him when to kiss me!”

  “I just thought that if you could feel wanted, feel sexually attractive, that you’d see the potential you have and want to be better.” Addison’s reasoning is so disgusting that some of the other counselors wince. “If you look better, then you won’t be judged so harshly. You have to understand how the world works, Kinley.”

  “I understand how the world works. What I will never understand is how your world works. You have been my judge and jury my whole life, telling me what to wear and how to act. Now I was supposed to lose my virginity to Cal in the woods and that was going to somehow be the catalyst to making me want
to look and be more like you?” I muse.

  “Well, if you’re going to turn in your V card, Cal’s a great option,” she says matter-of-factly. Cal calls out Addison’s name in a frustrated huff.

  “Oh my God! That was rhetorical! The fact that you answered so simply is unbelievable! I’m not you, Addison, and by God I never want to be anything like you! I’m not going to exchange my V card for your Condom of the Month card that’s been punched so many times even Planned Parenthood thinks it’s excessive!”

  “Kinley! When did you get to be so harsh?” Addison is so shocked by my aggressive stance that she literally put her one hand over her mouth and the other over her heart.

  “When I realized that my sister is a terrible, terrible person.”

  “I just wanted you to see how much potential you have, Kinley. You could be even greater than you already are. And when you make those changes, it won’t be so hard for us to explain to people how we’re twins anymore.” Every time Addison opens her mouth she gives me an even more wretched excuse for her behavior and proves what a despicable human being she is.

  “I’m sorry it’s so inconvenient for you to explain how I’m your sister yet so hideously different than you. Tell you what … I’ll make it easy for you. The next time someone asks about your sister, tell them you don’t have one. That’s exactly what I’ll be doing.”

  I turn move through the woods faster than I ever have before. Sweat is rolling down my back and face, and my chest hurts from how heavily I’m breathing. My Toms slide on a muddy spot and I catch myself against a tree. I stop there for a moment to catch my breath and allow myself the freedom to cry. I allow myself one look back to see if by some miracle Addison followed me. She didn’t. Even after all that, she’s not even going to attempt to follow me and make things right. I said the harshest, meanest things I’ve ever said to her and she’s not even going to put up a fight.

  It’s over. I resolve then and there that I’ll be cutting myself off from Addison, and have very little to do with Dad and Christine. Dad has never even tried to understand me and Christine is just the adult version of Addison. I’ll go back to campus and immediately request a new dorm. Addy will be with Dad and Christine in Atlantic City so I’ll have time to pack my things and move. Now that everything is so clear, I don’t think I can go back to that life.

  I stop walking when I land in the spot Miller brought me to watch the sunrise. There’s no sunrise or sunset to fill the sky with gorgeous hues of orange, red, and gold now. The sky is overcast from the rainstorm that has finally stopped soaking the camp, and there’s a foggy haze sitting over the lake. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, resting my chin on top. I thought my world crashed when Mom left, but this is so much crappier. Does it suck any worse than your own sister whoring you out so you’ll want to try harder to be skinny like her? All so she doesn’t have to endure the inconvenience and embarrassment of having to explain why we’re so physically different?

  I’ve lost count how many times I thought that maybe my life would be easier if I were a size four, not a size twelve; how many times I thought that if I could wave a magic wand and change my body, I would. The thing is, I never thought those things or wished them because I wanted to be Addison. I wished them because I just wanted to be enough. I wanted to be whatever I needed to be so that the things that have been in the way of Addison truly accepting me would be gone and we could just live our lives without the drama.

  Tears roll down my face as I let out the pain I’ve dismissed and shoved down throughout my life. A tear falls for each time I changed my clothes when Addy said I didn’t look good, for every pizza I dabbed the grease from, and for every time Addison told me I would be happier if I would drop four sizes.

  Why couldn’t she just love and accept me as I am?

  Miller’s arm slides around me as he sits down. He doesn’t say anything. He just lets me lean into him and continue crying. After a while the tears have dried up and I have no more to give. Miller doesn’t move his arm and I don’t attempt to sit up. I stay resting there at his side, in his safety.

  “I was hoping I’d find you here,” he says softly.

  “I didn’t know where else to go.”

  “Pete found me in the dining hall with Amy and told us what happened. Sounds like you really let her have it.” I hear him give a breathy laugh and my heart smiles just a little. “I hope you let Cal have it, too.”

  “It was so much worse than I ever imagined,” I tell him. “It would have been better had Cal just been cheating on me. It would have been heartbreaking, but I know how to deal with that.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Miller asks, rubbing my shoulder with his whole hand.

  “Is being a size …” I stop myself, realizing I don’t want to reveal my actual size to Miller. “I mean … is not being a size four really the worst thing I could be? Is that the thing that has really kept me from finding what she thinks I’m supposed to have? Maybe it is, I don’t know. They didn’t even think about what her little scheme would do to me … because it wasn’t about me. It was about Addy. It makes me feel so invisible.”

  “You’re not invisible. You’re invaluable.” Miller’s words ring in my ear and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to believe them. I want to, and feel like I’ve already taken a giant leap past the damage Addy has done, the damage I allowed her to cause. But, it seems like such a huge task to clear the wreckage from my mind. I keep thinking about Amy’s advice to shut out Addy’s voice that seems to constantly ring in my head. I’m afraid the only way she’s going to go silent is if I completely and totally separate myself from her. Quite possibly forever.

  “Remember when I told you the rest of my story was best saved for another time? I think now is a good time,” Miller says.

  “Okay. I could use some ideas on how to one day look back and laugh, or at least not cry, about all of this,” I tell him.

  “I started getting my tattoos because I wanted to set myself apart from everyone who ever thought they were better than me, mainly my father. It started with this design on my right shoulder. When I drew it I felt like I had designed a brand for myself.” Miller pulls up the short sleeve on his right shoulder and shows me his tattoo. It swirls and curves around in dark lines and doesn’t look like the kind of design just anyone could copy. “It didn’t take long before I moved to my left arm and started this collection. At first I was being a badass and had some other crazy designs that I created done. I liked them … I like them … but they didn’t really mean anything.

  “The morning after Mikey and I got arrested, and his mom made breakfast, Roger sat me down for talk. It was the first time a dad talked with me, not at me, so I was interested in what he had to say. I was also pretty broken by then anyway, and desperate for some kind of direction in my life. My father made it clear that I never met his expectations, and people judged me based on my tattoos and the company I kept. People can be pretty harsh, like they think the tattoos create some kind of force field, making us invincible to their cruel judgments. It was nice to have someone talk to me because they cared about my future, not because they were criticizing my past.

  “He talked to me about my life having a purpose and a plan and Kara’s death didn’t negate that plan, that no one’s judgment of me changed my destiny. But the hardest thing to hear him say was that in the process of life there are long stretches of darkness and silence when you don’t know what you’re doing or where you’re going or if you’re even moving forward. That’s where I had been. Things sucked at home with my parents, but I knew how to escape that. When Kara died, everything just went dark.”

  “So what’s the plan? I mean, what do you do with that? For me, now that the light has been turned on, I realize my whole life has been one long stretch of darkness. I don’t even know what to do with that. I don’t know how to move forward.” I stare at Miller, hoping to watch the answer fall from his lips.

  “I had to recognize tha
t there was all this unnecessary chatter in my head. You know, all the thoughts that run through our head that make us feel like crap? For me, it was the voices that told me Kara’s death was my fault. The ones that said I wasn’t good for anything, I had no talent, and that if my parents didn’t really want me, how could anyone else.”

  “There’s really only one thing that chatters in my head: I’m not good enough. Period. Across the board. I am not. Good. Enough,” I say.

  “There is a ceaseless war of words going on in all of us, Kinley. We can either listen to the truth and live, or we can listen to the chatter, which always lies, and lose.” Miller’s eyes are soft on me as he talks. “The chatter will never go away. You have to decide how much volume you give it.”

  “It runs so much deeper than just negative self-talk, Miller. She’s my sister and I believed her when she said she had my best interest at heart. I thought because she said it, it must be true … that I needed to be and act a certain way. I never thought that anything she did had any ulterior motives. I saw her do that with other people, but I never thought she’d do it to me. I was stupid to think that I was immune,” I tell him.

  “Just because the lies are being spoken, doesn’t mean you have to listen, regardless of who’s doing the talking. The chatter distorts the truth until you lose perspective. And every time you believe a lie, something inside you dies,” he says with such confidence. He’s got this ingrained in him now, but I wonder how long it took for him to get it. I fear a long road of reprogramming ahead of me. “You have to start with a new premise. If you start with Addison’s premise, you’ll lose every time because all it will do is make you feel like you’re not enough. If you always start with a premise that’s grounded in the reality of how truly amazing you are, just as you are, you can’t go wrong.”