As I Am

by AnnaLisa Grant

  You can do this. You’ve been doing great, I tell myself.

  “Are you okay?” Samantha asks, her hand gently rubbing my arm.

  It takes a moment, but I open my eyes and answer her. “I’m great. Thanks. You know what? I think I will try something on today. And I might even buy it! I’m having dinner with a friend tonight, so a new outfit would be nice.”

  “I thought you were having dinner with us tonight?” Marissa fake pouts.

  “Sorry. I ran into an old friend and he’s only here until tomorrow,” I tell them, browsing the racks.

  “He? You mean you’ve got a date!” Samantha nudges me with a playful smile. “What happened to ‘sisters before misters’?”

  “You did not just say ‘sisters before misters.’”

  “Sorry.” Samantha pretends to hang her head in shame before laughing.

  “And it’s not a date. It’s … it’s my friend, Cal,” I say, looking at Marissa. Samantha doesn’t know who that is, but Marissa does. It wasn’t long after we got settled in as roommates that I was having a rough night. I was feeling heartbroken over Addy, and counting the days since I last saw Miller. I ended up telling her the whole story, and, like my Lake Hollis friends, Marissa joined Team Kinley.

  “Oh, yeah … it’s not a date. She and Cal are just friends,” Marissa explains to Samantha.

  We wander the store for a few minutes, with nothing really jumping out at me. I’m scanning the wall of jeans when Marissa finds me.

  “You okay?” she asks.

  “Why wouldn’t I be okay?

  “I thought seeing Cal may have stirred up some Miller stuff. You haven’t talked about him in a while so I thought maybe you were on your way to being over him,” she says.

  “It stirred things, but not in a bad way. Seeing Cal today was actually good. It brought back all that crap from Lake Hollis, but it let me know that I was healing. When I looked at him, all I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and hug the crap out of him … which I did,” I smile. “I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bring Miller back to the forefront of my mind. I wish I could say seeing Cal healed that part of my heart, but it didn’t. I’m not over him.”

  “These things take time,” she says, putting her arm around me and resting her head on my shoulder.

  “So I’ve heard.”

  I try on two skirts, one long and one short, and four tops. Marissa and Samantha loved everything on me, but helped me narrow it down to the long skirt and two of the tops, either of which I could wear with it. I leave the girls at four and take a cab back to our dorm thinking I might squeeze in a nap before Cal calls at six.

  With my small bag in one hand and my keys in the other, I step off the elevator and round the corner onto my hall. There are cork boards with papers pinned to them and dry erase boards with cryptic messages next to every door. It’s Saturday late afternoon, which is a hit or miss time for people in the hall. Either it’s super crowded, or it’s a ghost town. Ghost town it is as paper messages and flyers for IT help or tutoring flip up in the breeze my walk down the hall stirs.

  I hang my new clothes up in my closet and look at them. Do I like them? Yes, yes, I do. I love the color and the shape of the skirt, and I like how both of the tops look on me. Would Addy approve? I think she would, but … “Stop it, Kinley,” I say out loud to myself. “It doesn’t matter what Kinley thinks. I have nothing to prove and only one to please.”

  Cal calls exactly at six and says he’ll pick me up at seven. I give him the address and tell him I’ll wait outside. There’s no need for him to spend the extra money just to hold a cab while he comes up to my room to get me.

  At five minutes to seven I exit my building wearing my new maxi skirt and my favorite of the two tops I bought, and a pair of wedge sandals. My long hair whips in the wind and I’m grateful for the length of this skirt. It would be disastrous for it to come flying up just as Cal’s cab pulled up to the curb.

  Tucking my hair behind my ear I step closer to the curb so that Cal can see me right away. But before I make it two steps the door of a Towne Car limousine opens and Cal steps out.

  “What is this?” I ask in shock.

  “It belongs to the company I’ve been consulting. This guy has been driving me everywhere for three days,” he laughs as he gestures to the car. “When I told them I was having dinner with a friend tonight they insisted I have him drive us. Is it weird?” he asks, wrinkling his nose.

  I smile big, having never been in any kind of limo before. “No! It’s not weird! You may be used to this kind of treatment, but I’m not. And I’m not above climbing in and saying something terrible like, ‘Home, James!’”

  “Great! Get in!” he commands. We’re both still laughing when he closes the door behind him. The driver pulls away from the curb and mixes in with the scary traffic. “You look great, by the way.”

  “Thank you! I ended up going shopping this afternoon,” I tell him, smoothing out the skirt on my lap.

  “You seem different,” Cal says. He tilts his head as he looks at me, like he’s trying to figure something out.

  “Is it a good different?” I ask.

  “Yeah. I could tell when I saw you at the coffee shop today. The way you jumped up when you saw me, I was so happy that you responded that way, but the fact that you did it at all … You just seem so much more comfortable in your own skin.”

  “I am. It’s amazing what an Addison detox will do for you.” I shake my head, as I usually do whenever I consider the years I spent trapped inside her chatterbox.

  “Well, whatever it is … it looks good on you.” Cal smiles and we make small talk on the way to the restaurant. I’m glad he doesn’t try to engage me in talking about Addy. I’ll get there with her. I don’t know when, but I will.

  We eat dinner at a wonderful French restaurant and spend the time catching up on life. Cal is still being courted by firms across the country, but hasn’t made a decision on where he’ll land. I suggested he strongly consider the firm he’s been with this week, but he says he’s still leaning toward the start-up in Seattle.

  He also tells me that he told his father about what was happening with The League.

  “What did he say?” I ask, surprised and impressed that Cal made such a brave move.

  “He was upset that I didn’t tell him years ago. He felt like he could have done something to protect me … to protect Kara. But I gave him the journal and he’s already got the council ceasing all new memberships and forbidding anyone from going to Lake Hollis until everything is resolved,” he explains.

  “That’s great, Cal,” I say, encouraging him in the decision he made to expose the downward spiral The League was headed in.

  “He also had his lawyer look into the statute of limitations on sexual assault. It ended up not mattering since Kara is … gone … It would be my word against Kyle’s. The icing on the cake, though, is that Kyle is currently serving time for assaulting and raping a girl last year.”

  “Oh my gosh! That’s terrible and wonderful at the same time. You should tell Miller. He’d be glad to know that Kyle isn’t roaming the streets.”

  “Yeah. I’ll try to do that.” Cal makes a tight-lipped expression and nods.

  We’re quiet for a few moments while we eat before I do what I can to move us into a substantially lighter conversation. I tell Cal about upgrading my camera and how it’s made all the difference in the world in the quality of my work. Between family sessions, headshots for aspiring performers, and my own work that’s being featured and sold around town, I’ve got enough work to keep me busy for months.

  “Are you still planning on traveling with you mom?” Cal asks, holding the restaurant door open for me as we step out into the breezy night.

  “Um … to be honest … I don’t know,” I tell him.

  “Wow. I was expecting to hear a newly developed plan and timeframe.” Cal raises his eyes in surprise.

  “There was a time I would have thought that would be my
answer, too. I used to think I had this wanderlust. But now I think that … maybe I was just looking for an escape. Things at home have been lonely since Mom left. Once she was gone, I didn’t have anyone. My dad is one of those dads who thinks he’s supposed to be completely inept when it comes to raising daughters, so he doesn’t ever take the time to understand what’s going on. He’s left that up to my stepmother who doesn’t know what to do with me, and thinks that Addison hung the moon.

  “But these last few months of being on my own, apart from Addy, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I found out that I’m braver than I thought I was, and I’m not afraid to be alone. In fact, I’d rather be alone than surrounded by people who make me feel lonely, which is how I felt whenever I was with Addy and her friends. They live in this world that I just don’t get, so I always felt so isolated.” I sigh, realizing I’ve been monopolizing the conversation with the recap of my personal epiphany. “I’m sorry. This is … You don’t need to hear about my revelations. We don’t have that much time and I don’t want to bore you with the drama of my life.”

  Cal offers his arm to me and I loop mine through it as we continue to walk. ”Kinley, this is what friendship is. I couldn’t be happier that you’re talking up a storm about this to me. Three months ago I wasn’t sure if you were ever going to talk to me again. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

  “Thanks. That means a lot to me,” I tell Cal as I lean my head against his arm. We walk for another minute before Cal speaks again.

  “So, as your friend … I have to ask.” Cal stops us and steps in front of me so he’s facing me. I look up at him, wondering what he’s doing. “Why haven’t you gone after Miller?”

  “Oh, Cal, really …”

  “Seriously, Kinley.” Cal’s eyes pierce mine with a convicting glare. “You’re crazy about him. He’s crazy about you. What’s the problem?”

  “He’s going through a lot right now. I care about him enough to give him the space he needs,” I say as convincingly as I can.

  “I’m not diminishing what happened, but he left impulsively. And you know what? I think he regrets it and doesn’t think he can fix it.” Cal is passionate in his delivery.

  “Why would he regret it?” I ask quietly.

  “I know you’re new to this whole seeing yourself as you really are thing, but, seriously, Kinley … any guy who would walk away from something with you is going to regret it. Trust me. Hindsight is twenty-twenty,” he says with a heavy sigh. “If you’re really as brave as you say you are, I think you should take a chance and go get him. Just … get on the next plane out and go tell him how you feel!”

  “What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he’s moved on?” I wonder aloud. I may have a new found bravery, but I don’t think I could take that kind of heartbreak.

  Cal holds my face with his hand and caresses my cheek with his thumb. “Then he’d be an idiot and I’d have to kick his ass.” Cal gives me a crooked smile and I fall into his embrace. I appreciate his belief in me, but I don’t know if I’m that brave. Am I ready to take that kind of risk? It’s one thing to be strong and set boundaries with my sister, or to be flirtatious with a guy in a coffee shop; it’s another to hop on a plane and show up at my summer boyfriend’s college.

  I could, though … couldn’t I? I mean, Miller told me to stay brave and strong like he knew I was. At the very least, he’d be proud of me for being brave and taking a chance, right? I don’t know. There’s so much at stake. So much to lose. I just found my real self and I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet to handle it if he rejects me.

  Sleep on it, Kinley, I tell myself. Everything always looks brighter in the morning.

  Chapter 16

  So, I fell into an old habit and dove into editing pictures all day so I didn’t have to think about Cal’s challenge to go to Georgia and find Miller. My plan was working really well until about three when my hand flinched, causing me to click on an album I didn’t intend to open. Before I knew it was staring at a screen of large thumbnail pictures from Lake Hollis. I wish it had been the file of edited picture I sent to Mr. Fellows. He verbally threw himself all over me when he saw them. It was a matter of days before I was holding a glowing letter of recommendation from him in my hot little hand.

  No, this was the file of pictures I took of my fellow counselors at The Lodge and around the camp. I feel a warm rush of happiness clicking through pictures of the night Amy, Matthew, Carrie, and Bridget came to my rescue. Bridget is kneeling on the bed dancing like a crazy woman, Carrie is posing like a girl from that Robert Palmer video, and Matthew has one of Amy’s black shirts on his head and is tossing it over his shoulder like he’s Cher. There’s a picture of just me and each of the girls, and one of just me with Matthew. Despite the heartbreaking event that was the catalyst, this was a wonderful night and truly the beginning of my evolution.

  There are a few pictures of me and Cal that prior to yesterday may or may not have caused my stress level to rise. Right now, though, all they do is bring a smile to my face and I couldn’t be happier that he popped back into my life when he did.

  I could skip over the thumbnails of Addy, but I don’t. I click and watch the photo fill most of the screen, staring at her face as I search for the girl she was when we were little. She was always bossy, but she never did anything that made me feel like I wasn’t enough. There was even a time when she wouldn’t pursue things if I couldn’t, too. Things changed when we got to middle school and all of a sudden people had a loud opinion of these mismatched twins. At first I thought Addy didn’t care, like me. But before the end of sixth grade, popularity lines were drawn and Addy knew which side she wanted to be on. She wanted me to be there, too, so I guess in her own way everything she’s done has been because she wanted us to be together. It just got so twisted somewhere along the way.

  There are small, square pictures of Miller in the middle of my screen. My mouse hovers over them, not sure if I’m ready to look at him. I’m afraid if I pull one up it will scream a thousand words I don’t want to hear. I’m more afraid it will whisper the ones I do want to hear and I’ll be packing a bag and checking on flights to Savannah.

  A knock at my door provides a welcomed distraction. I minimize the file box on the screen and walk the seven steps to the door. I open it to find Addison is standing in my doorway like a lost puppy.

  “Hi,” she says quietly. “Can I come in?”

  “Sure.” I step to the side and let Addy walk past me before I close the door behind her. “What’s up?”

  “I left you a couple of messages but I haven’t heard back from you.” Addy looks at me and there’s something different in her eyes. The confident charge she filled the air with is gone and has been replaced with something else. Meekness, maybe?

  “Oh, yeah, sorry. To be honest, I haven’t listened to the messages, not for any reason except that I just haven’t. Was there something in particular you wanted?” When she says she’s left a couple of messages, what she means is that she’s called me twice a week for the last three weeks. Every time I see her number come up I immediately decline the call. I’m not trying to be malicious. I just haven’t known what to say to her, and I didn’t think it would be right to have our first real conversation in months be over the phone.

  “That’s okay. I just wanted to make sure you were going to be at my mid-semester show. I’m really excited about this project and would love for you to be there … and not just because it’ll make me look good to have more people there. Will you come?” she asks hopefully.

  “I don’t know, Addy,” I tell her hesitantly.

  “Please. It’s really important to me that you come.”

  “When is it?” I ask, even though I’ve had it on the calendar on my phone for two months. Old habits of scheduling things around Addy die hard.

  “Tomorrow at four. I know you get out of class at three. Will you be there?” Addy’s face is full of hope and anticipation. I’ve never seen her look at me this
way. Even in all the times she pretended she had to beg me to be her wingman she never looked like this. This is real pleading. She really wants me to be there. A part of my heart fills just a little as I look at my sister and see that she is changing.

  I give Addy a small smile and say, “Okay. I’ll be there.”

  “Oh, Kinley! Thank you! It’s going to be so great! I can’t wait for you to see it all!” Addy jumps up and down like a schoolgirl and I have to admit that it makes my heart swell to know that it has a least a little to do with me. “It’s in the arts building on the fourth floor. There will be signs pointing you in the right direction. And it won’t take too long because there are only two of us presenting. We all have to participate in each other’s presentations, so …”

  “I’m sure it’s going to be great, Addy. You’re really talented,” I tell her.

  “That means a lot to me, Kin.” Addy smiles and drops her head, a little embarrassed by my compliment. She really is changing. “So, have you talked to anyone from camp?” she asks making small talk.

  “Yeah, actually. I’ve had a conversation going with Carrie and Bridget for four days now on Facebook. Bridget thinks Cooper is going to propose any day now,” I tell her. “Matthew just got the final word that he’s going to decorate a window and Barney’s at Christmas. He’s totally freaking out. And Pete is repelling down the side of a building for charity? I don’t know. He’s crazy.”

  “That is crazy, but it sounds just like something he would do,” she laughs.

  “Oh, and I had dinner with Cal last night.”

  “What? Cal is in town?” she asks, surprised.

  “Yeah, he happened to pop into the coffee shop where I was yesterday. We talked and he asked me to dinner,” I tell her.

  Addy looks nervous. She bites her lip and shuffles her feet. “And everything was okay with you two?”