I Got This

by Jennifer Hudson

  “Jenny, how many Points are in this burger?”

  “Can I eat this?”

  “Help me not fall off today…”

  I suddenly felt like I was a Weight Watchers leader, and I loved every minute of the joyful experience. Seeing so many of my relatives enthusiastically embrace these changes makes me feel like Jesus has a bigger plan for me outside of music.

  Sharing this moment was amazing. I felt more proud that day than I did receiving my Oscar. For real. Part of my drive to keep at it myself is so I can continue to set a positive example for my family and others.

  Healthy eating is a choice, a lifestyle, and a decision only you can make for yourself, but once you do, you’ll never want to go back to the way you used to feel.

  Even though I have been extremely public about my commitment to Weight Watchers, some people still think I lost the weight by some other means. Some even believe that I had gastric bypass surgery. Here’s the thing. I am all about doing things in a natural way. My sister came to me awhile ago to say she wanted to have her stomach stapled. I was all over her before she finished the sentence.

  “Julia. That’s cheating. It’s the lazy way out and I won’t let you do that. You have to want to lose the weight and then do the work for it to truly mean anything.” And that is how I really feel. So when people ask me how I took off my excess pounds, I tell them I did it the old-fashioned way—with determination and commitment. And just so we’re completely clear about what I am saying, whenever you see my stretch marks and excess skin—that is to let you know that my weight loss is real. I am proud of those reminders of how I once looked. They are my war wounds, my battle scars, and they’re there to remind me of what used to be the truth. A truth I created and a truth I changed. If I had any type of cosmetic surgery, don’t you think I’d get that stuff fixed, too? Of course I would! But I didn’t. I didn’t do anything but eat right and exercise. You can take that to the bank. And you can do it, too.

  According to a recent OECD study, in the United States, the cost of treating obesity-related diseases, such as diabetes, heart disease, and stroke, will increase $66 billion per year by 2030, and represent a 2.6 percent increase in overall health spending. The increasing rates of obesity would mean 7.8 million extra cases of diabetes, 6.8 million extra cases of coronary heart disease and stroke, and 539,000 extra cancer cases by 2030. Losing just a little weight could offset those increases. The report noted that a 1 percent population-wide decrease in body-mass index (just 1.9 pounds for an average 198-pound adult) would prevent more than 2 million cases of diabetes, roughly 1.5 million cases of heart disease and stroke, and 73,000 to 127,000 cancer cases in the United States.

  Not only did Weight Watchers change the way I thought about food, it altered my entire way of thinking. I became a much more organized person because I had to practice structure about my meals and keep meticulous notes on what I ate every single day. And even though many experts will tell you not to weigh yourself daily, it’s now the first thing I do every morning. I weigh completely naked so there is nothing that can mysteriously add an unexpected pound here or there other than my food intake. This routine helps me to control my fluctuations in weight. If I see a small gain, I know I can do something about it that day. I can drink more water and make smarter food choices to move the needle on that scale back down. I try to weigh myself only in the morning because doing so at other times of the day can have slight fluctuations. Doing this helps keep the circumstances the same each time, so I feel as if I am getting an accurate weight. I know I’m not alone in this—it is just a human compulsion.

  If I don’t get on the scale every day, I feel as if I am not on top of my progress or lack thereof. If I check into a hotel and my room doesn’t have a scale, I call housekeeping to bring one up. Call it a habit or an obsession—either way, I have to know where I am on the scale at all times. If I’ve gained a pound or two and don’t know it, there is nothing preventing me from continuing to gain weight, especially if I am unaware of that movement in the first place. I also do my weekly Weight Watchers weigh-ins like all members, just not usually at meetings. Everyone has their own method of gauging where they’re at. Some people never get on the scale and merely go by how their clothes are fitting, while others obsess over the number they see at their feet every day. I am one of those obsessed people. Hello. My name is Jennifer and yes, I am addicted to the scale.

  By late 2009, I was back in the studio recording my second album, I Remember Me. The title track is based on a poem I wrote one morning because I wanted to share how I felt about all of the experiences I have had, including the highs and the lows and everything in between. The song was written to allow people to get to know and then embrace the new me. I had been through so much throughout my career, in my personal life, and during my weight loss that I wanted to reconnect with my fans by giving them some insight about how all of that felt. I felt like a new person, but I was still the same girl.

  While recording the album, I got to work with the incredibly talented R. Kelly, who wrote my first single “Where You At.” R. Kelly really got me. Although we both live in Chicago, we had never met while making the album. Even so, he somehow understood me.

  I also got to work with the fantastic Alicia Keys, who wrote “Angel” and cowrote “Don’t Look Down” and “Everybody Needs Love”; and one of my favorite songwriters, Diane Warren, who I had previously worked with on “Still Here” for my first album, but made it onto my second album instead. “Still Here” was originally dedicated to my grandmother, but it really relates to my whole family. It’s a way to remember and keep them in my life.

  Diane’s songs are the type of music I love to sing. When it comes to songwriting, she is in a league of her own. We recently collaborated on a song for the sound track of Winnie called “Bleed for Love.” It is such a beautiful song. Give me a Diane Warren song any day of the week and I will smother it with Jennifer Hudson singing love.

  I had purposely kept a pretty low profile while recording my second album. The first time I publicly revealed my partial weight loss was when I was asked to participate in a tribute to Whitney Houston at the 2010 BET Honors, held in Washington, D.C. As you can imagine, that was a treat for me. I was finally able to show my appreciation for Whitney by singing one of her biggest hits and most difficult songs to perform—“I Will Always Love You.” That song meant so much to me that I told producers they had to let me do that song or I wouldn’t perform at all! At the time, I had lost about thirty or so pounds. Although it wasn’t that much, the change in my appearance was drastic. I wore a custom-made dress that hugged my body and showed off my brand-new shape.

  When I came out onstage, I received a standing ovation based on my look alone. I hadn’t even begun to sing. I had to look behind me to see if someone else had come out on the stage, too, because I couldn’t understand why they were on their feet. I didn’t realize it was just me they were screaming for. I think everyone was shocked by the change in my appearance. It felt unreal.

  Ironically, before that night, there had actually been rumors circulating that I might be pregnant again. Those were quickly put to rest the moment I stepped out on the stage. It was one of the first moments I realized the tables had turned—audiences were still looking at me before listening to me, but for the first time in my career, my image was competing with my talent in a positive way.

  I killed the song and gave Whitney every ounce of my blood, sweat, and tears that night. When I finished, the crowd went crazy, standing and cheering for me again for several minutes afterward. It was a wonderful feeling because this time, they were clapping for my art.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  I REMEMBER ME

  I didn’t realize how special growing up in Chicago was until I stepped out and lived someplace else for a while. At the end of the day, Chicago is my home. In many ways, it represents who I am, where I come from, and where I got started, and it gives me a sense of comfort I don’t get anywhere else on the pl
anet. When I’m in Chicago, I can just relax and be my old self, Jenny Kate. I can shop, walk the streets, and be myself without anyone making an unnecessary fuss. I know the good people of Chicago and they know me. And that familiarity helps me to feel safe, secure, and stay grounded in an otherwise crazy world that isn’t known for those values.

  Since David and I come from Chicago, both of our families are there, and family is something that is extremely important to both of us. That is why we made the decision to pack up our baby son and our three dogs, Oscar, Grammy, and Dream, and move our family back to our hometown in October 2010. I want him to have the same sense of family, tradition, and support that I grew up with. It was definitely time to go home.

  Although Liz and Weight Watchers had somewhat prepared me for the physical changes I could expect to see in my body and then how to maintain those changes, no one really told me about the emotional acceptance, or even rejection, of losing weight and all of the emotional changes that would take place. She said that some people have such a hard time adjusting to their weight loss that they actually prefer to go back to the way they used to be by gaining back the pounds they lost and, for many, packing on even more. I am lucky that I have a good support system to help me deal with these feelings.

  I knew there would be challenges along the way, but I welcome the opportunity to learn and grow from the experiences. “Bring it on!” That is always my attitude.

  In the United States, about one-quarter of all men were obese in 2008 regardless of their race, while 46 percent of black women, one-third of Hispanic women, and 30 percent of white women were obese.

  First, let me say that I love the way I look. I always have. But I am extremely proud of the hard work I’ve put into my weight loss and the effort I’ve given to getting healthy for my family. Nothing prepared me for the attention I now get as a result of losing weight. Even people I’m close to have had a hard time accepting my new shape, including my fiancé. If David had his way, he’d keep me dressed in flowing mumus all the time. To be honest, he doesn’t really like it when I wear something that shows off my body. If I try to put on a pair of shorts that he thinks are too short, he freaks out. I think it’s kind of funny because my man makes his living wearing drawers and nothing else. Why is it okay for him and not for me?

  David has always been the type of man who tells me what he thinks, that I am beautiful, and that he loves when I don’t wear makeup. He likes me best when I am plain.

  Every now and then David will make comments that “his old girlfriend” never dressed in tight clothes or wore a lot of makeup. Of course, he is referring to me before I lost the weight. Sometimes, when we go out to eat, he’ll occasionally offer me bites of whatever he’s having, knowing I don’t want to add the extra Points into my day. Sometimes I think he’d love to stuff me back to my old weight because it was what he was used to.

  In all fairness, even I had to get into a new mind-set when it came to my body. I’d go shopping and reach for the same old sizes I’ve always grabbed for. Walter usually stopped me by saying, “That won’t fit you—you’re not a size twelve anymore.” And he was right. Like I’ve said, I always had a shape, but this was the first time in my life that I had a skinny waist and a bra size that was smaller than I’d been since I first grew breasts!

  Ever since Dreamgirls, designers have graciously sent me dresses to wear on the red carpet, but it was tricky because it was much harder then to find something to wear that fit, let alone flattered my body. The designers that made dresses in the larger sizes wanted to clothe me because they hardly ever got the chance to fit a “big girl.” You can bet that Gwyneth Paltrow or Angelina Jolie and I were never fighting over the same dress.

  These days, it’s hard to pick out which dress I’m going to wear because they all look and fit amazingly. Still, I find it a little intimidating at times because I am not used to someone like Vera Wang asking me to wear one of her dresses at an event, Donatella Versace dressing me for the Oscars, or Michael Kors calling me up to see if I would like to wear one of his gowns at a private dinner in Rome. All I had to do was fly to Italy, put on his gown, have dinner, and mingle among the guests. Mary J. Blige was going to be there performing, too. Talk about coming from the whole other side of the rainbow.

  I was someone who grew up never being looked at as a fashionista. And now, for the first time ever, I was actually going to be a model talking about what I was wearing! While you know I always saw myself as a supermodel, I must admit that I worried I might be a complete disaster if the dress didn’t go over well. If I agreed to do it, I was purposefully and willingly putting myself in a place where I only was being judged on my physical appearance and nothing else. While I certainly had my share of dealing with that, it was never an intentional decision. It was a lot of pressure to consider. I thought, What the hell? I told Michael it would be an honor to wear his gown and had the best time ever doing it.

  People who I knew before I lost weight started looking at me in a whole new way. My friend and stylist Eric Archibald kept trying to dress me in the same type of clothes as he did before I lost the weight. He wanted to cover me up by putting me in a suit jacket. I felt like I was back on American Idol.

  “I could have worn that jacket eighty pounds ago!” I loudly protested. “From now on, I only want to wear clothes that have a shape to them. That decision is final!” It is a good thing that Eric and I get each other and I know his heart is always in the right place, even if his clothing choice isn’t!

  Eric had been a fan of mine since I did Dreamgirls. He has the most amazing fashion sense of any stylist I have ever worked with. He gets what I like and what I don’t like and how I feel about my body. Still, it took him a little while to come around to my new shape because he had grown so protective over my former body size. He used to refuse to put me in tight, form-fitting clothes because he was concerned that I would be too self-conscious wearing them. What I discovered was, when I was heavier, he had his own insecurities about my size that he was inadvertently imposing on me. Honestly, I never felt self-conscious about my body. Never. My decision to lose weight was about being healthy for my son, not about changing my appearance to fit into some preconceived idea of what I should look like. I’d get so mad when Eric refused to bring me figure-flattering dresses because it was his way of telling me he didn’t think I could wear that style. And y’all know I don’t like it when someone tells me I can’t do something. There’s nothing that will make me put that dress on faster than someone telling me I shouldn’t.

  When I was picking a dress to wear to a 2011 pre-Oscar party, it seemed everyone had an opinion on whether I should wear the one I chose or not. Granted, it was short—even for me, but I didn’t think it was too short.

  “You can’t wear that!” Walter said as he shook his index finger at me in total disapproval.

  “Why not?” I knew what he was thinking, but every now and then I like to play with Walter to see him squirm.

  “It’s too…short!”

  We bantered back and forth for a few minutes before I made him take a picture with my iPhone so we could send it to my sister for her opinion. If Julia said it was too short, I’d agree to change into another dress. If she said it was fine, I had my outfit for the party.

  “It looks great,” she texted back, and with her approval I proudly wore that sizzling dress.

  What was fascinating about this was that Walter is with me most every day. Even though he was a part of my weight-loss journey, like Eric, he also hadn’t adjusted how he sees me. My sister has mostly seen the changes in my body from afar. Every time she saw a photo of me in a magazine or on the Internet, she saw drastic differences in my shape. I think the distance gave her a fresh perspective that the people closest to me on a daily basis simply didn’t have—yet. They’d eventually come around, but oh, it wasn’t easy. Walter is still trying to dress me like his grandma!

  Even though I have lost a lot of weight, I am still the same girl who felt self
-conscious having to kiss Jamie Foxx in my first scene in Dreamgirls. I am still the same Jennifer I always was. I don’t want to go and put everything out there on display just because I’m proud of the work I’ve done to lose weight. When I shot my music video for “No One’s Gonna Love You” from my second album, I worked with a director who wanted to put me in super-sexy skin-baring outfits. She thought I would want to be exposed and show off my body. Now, I had never met this woman prior to the shoot, so she didn’t know anything about me before making this decision.

  Big mistake.

  Big.

  No one is going to make a decision about what I wear without running it by me first.

  When it came time to do the first shot, she walked over to me and said, “Jennifer—for this video, you are so in love with your man that you just want to sleep with him.”

  Say what?

  So here’s how this goes. I hadn’t been very involved with the planning of this particular video, so I didn’t really know what the full story line was until I got to the set. My record company had hired the production team and created a storyboard with the director without my input. There had never been an instance in my career where I worried that someone would want to put me in a compromising position that didn’t mesh with my image or brand—until that day.

  The notion of me playing a sex kitten was a real eye-opener. Was my record label actually trying to repackage me and change how people saw me now that I had lost weight?

  I had never done anything like that before my weight loss and I wasn’t about to do it now, either. I changed every scene as we went along. I told them I would not cooperate with anything that didn’t feel right to me. I made that pretty tough for everyone, all in the name of not compromising who I am. I’m not sorry. I am an adult, a mother, and a woman in charge of herself.