Without Consequence

by Victoria L. James

  The thought didn’t stay with me long. I was rushing to get ready around the three men in my house. For as long as I’d been followed by Deeks, it was the first time he’d been in our home, and all of them together made the place look tiny.

  Four bowls of cereal and a carton of milk later, I was out the door and headed to work, while Tate headed to Sunday practice. It was such a normal day, but at the same time it wasn’t. I felt lighter and more focused than I had in… well, forever. Even Janette and Rusty seemed surprised by my disposition as I paraded through the tables and took orders politely then delivered them with a smile.

  Deeks sat at the counter, drinking his body weight in free refills and wearing a smirk that rivaled Drew’s, so I ignored the implied assumption and shot him a grin as I popped the door open, the dirty dishes in my hands rattling from my enthusiasm. My ponytail slapped me in the face as I turned and came to a sudden halt.

  Janette, Sam, Rusty and Ben all stood with their arms crossed, staring at me.

  “This is an intervention,” Rusty ground out. “I ain’t gonna deal with this shit again, y’hear?”

  “For what?” I asked, sliding the plates into the sink, earning myself a scowl from Ben. “And deal with what again?”

  “Whatever drug you seem to think is the answer to all your problems,” Sam said quietly, her eyes skipping to where Deeks was adding enough sugar to fuel a power plant to his coffee.

  “Drugs? You think I’m on drugs?”

  “Yeah, sweetie. It’s okay. We all need a pick me up on occasion, but you don’t need drugs. I know it’s been a really bad couple of months, but things will get better,” Janette said, not much conviction in her words as she narrowed her eyes at me.

  I started to giggle. God help me, I couldn’t stop myself. My hand rose to cover my mouth and muffle the sound as I looked at the four of them, but I was still going as I tried to respond. “I love y’all, but come on. You know me better that that. There’s no drugs.”

  “Not even the weed?” Rusty asked. “Cuz you’re in one of them crazy moods.”

  “Not even an ibuprofen or nicotine. Just caffeine and a better attitude,” I promised, and crossed my heart with my fingers.

  Janette shook her head and elbowed Rusty, before she stepped forward to sweep me into her arms. “I told him you were smarter than all that.” Then she lowered her voice so only I could hear her. “I want all of the details when the old coot ain’t listening.”

  Rusty made a noise in the back of his throat and headed back to the kitchen, effectively dismissing the impromptu intervention and sending all of us back to work.

  “Just tell me one thing,” Sam said, a tray in her hand as she leaned into me and Janette. “Tell me it wasn’t the hog-riding coffee guzzler.”

  “Jesus, am I that transparent?” They looked at one another and I waved my arms, dismissing the question. “Don’t answer that, and if you’re talking about Deeks…” I mouthed the last words with complete exaggeration because I could feel his eyes on us. “Complete stud.”

  Sam rolled her eyes at me and took off out the doors, leaving me with Janette. “You sure about this, honey?”

  “About what?”

  She gave me a knowing look. When she said she’d mentally adopted us all as her kids, well I was starting to see that she took that quite literally, and her intuition was right on the money. She didn’t need to ask who, or why, or even how; she’d already figured most of it out.

  “Baby, there’s only one reason a man can get under your skin like that,” she said, her hand landing on my shoulder. “Because you want him there.”

  She was right, of course. I’d wanted Drew there all along, which was why I’d been so antagonistic. Thinking back to our first meeting, I’d done so much to let him in when I could have easily shut him off or even better, out. I wasn’t really sure whether whatever this was between us was a good thing or not, and the truth was, I didn’t care. I was happy. I was happy in a way I didn’t even know I could be. The content feeling of absolute assuredness that I was carrying around with me couldn’t have been put there by anyone else, and I knew that to my very bones.

  Drew wasn’t a saint and God knows neither was I. We all made mistakes and decisions we weren’t proud of. Sometimes we were pulled down a path we never would have gone down without it being instigated by someone else. I didn’t know if I would ever have truly seen Drew if I hadn’t been forced into his life the way I had. It was just, under all of the anger and violence, I had seen a man that called to me. He and I were kindred spirits, and when you got past the bullshit, he was someone worth knowing. As hokey as it sounded, he made my soul sing when I’d believed it to be crushed.

  I wasn’t a damsel that needed saving, and he wasn’t looking to have someone pick up the pieces. We both knew what we were, but it was the acceptance that had been the first undeniable magnet. No pity, no feeling sorry for one another. We just were.

  I’d gotten back to work after my conversation with Janette with no less enthusiasm. Nothing was going to spoil the mood I was in, and even when the food mart left a message on my machine to say they didn’t need me, I chose to look on the bright side and considered visiting the hut. The thought of losing more hours sat in my stomach like a lead weight. I was barely going to manage to pay the mortgage and utilities for the month, but there was nothing I could do about it, and seeing Drew seemed like the perfect distraction.

  I went home to change after my shift. Tate wasn’t there, which meant he was out with Sloane. I knew they’d been banned from seeing one another, but I wasn’t going to be the one to enforce that. I was his sister, and though I sometimes came down on him hard in some aspects, his love life was up to him. I refused to be the negative force there when I was just finding my own feet in that area.

  By the time I climbed out of my car at the hut, I was forcing myself to calm down, and even made myself wait for Deeks to show up before going inside. It was only when we headed towards the bar that my stomach flipped with uncertainty. There was a huge part of me that knew he felt something for me in the same soul-shaking capacity that I felt for him. But, there was his track record to consider. He’d just been through hell and back and I was pretty sure that some of what happened last night had been down to shock. I suddenly wasn’t sure which Drew I would be dealing with.

  I looked toward his office with my hand covering the hurricane in my gut, and as inexplicable as it was, the storm clouds receded, leaving me the feeling of hope that had brought me to the hut in the first place.

  “There it is,” Deeks whispered.

  “There’s what?”

  “The sunshine on your face. You lost it for a second there.”

  I smiled and patted him on the arm. He was wiser than anyone gave him credit for, and the more time I spent with him, the more I enjoyed his company. He was just as formidable as Drew was in his own way. He had strength and power that he kept leashed inside of him, but any man would be a fool to underestimate him. He was loyal, and he loved every one of his pack to a fault. How could I not love and respect a man like that?

  “Okay, that look you’re giving me is freaking me out. I’m going to grab a beer, and you’re going to go and talk to your boy.”

  “He’s not mine.” Not in the sense he meant, anyway.

  “I think we both know that’s bullshit, kid.”

  Bumping my elbow with his, Deeks took off in the opposite direction, shooting compliments off to the girls as he went. I watched as he headed towards a cooler in the corner of the room, leaving me standing in the middle of it, trying to find the courage to approach Drew.

  CHAPTER FORTY

  Drew

  The confines of the van were really starting to piss me off, and the roads just seemed never ending. I was shuffling back and forth in my seat, one foot resting over my knee for a while, then down again, then back up again, then down…

  I couldn’t shake the memory of last night, no matter what the day was throwing in my way to tr
y and make me forget. I wasn’t sure what the future held, and at that point, any future at all that didn’t involve me being thrown off the edge of a cliff with a brick strapped to my ankle seemed almost impossible anyway. But I did know one thing, and that was that Ayda Hanagan had gotten under my skin and I had no desire to drag her out. In fact, all I could think of, as the van bounced down the road and my head bobbed about while I stared out of the windows blankly, was finding ways to imbed her in there even more.

  “You gotta stop fidgeting, Drew. I’m about seven small seconds away from pulling over, throwing you out and letting you walk home.”

  My head spun to face Slater in the driver’s seat. “I’d actually like to watch you try that one, asshat.”

  His hands curled around the wheel, his head flickering from the road to me several times before he just shook it and sighed. “Don’t start with your bravado bullshit. Not in the mood.”

  “Something I said?”

  “Something you did.”

  “Don’t ask me to apologize for that, because I won’t,” I hit back quietly.

  The van rattled along the road, and from the way Slater dropped his forearms to the wheel and spent way too long looking at me like I had three heads, we were lucky that we weren’t hurtling into some ditch already.

  “That’s right,” he muttered. “Drew Tucker doesn’t say sorry for shit, does he? I forgot.” His head bounced as he began to nod, turning his attention back to the road while his body hung limp like he was either tired or defeated. Possibly even both. “See, while you were inside, we had to learn how to make things work for us all again. We had to be a family where no one was above anyone else. Sure, Jedd sat at the head of the table, but we were all fucking equals. Everyone was respected and nobody was selfish.”

  “The fuck are you going on about?” I scowled.

  “You, Tucker. I’m talking about you.”

  “Slater…”

  His back straightened quickly, his hand rising as he reached over and pointed a finger right in my direction, never taking his eyes away from the road again. “Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you sit there and play innocent with me. You made your choices while you were on the inside and we made ours. We never judged you and we never gave up. Don’t you even think about not doing the same for us.”

  My elbow fell from the ledge into my lap. I had no idea where all this was going, but I couldn’t recall ever seeing Slater this way, and that single fact alone caused my mouth to stay shut and my thoughts to stay locked up while I just stared at him.

  “You can’t just walk back outside and do whatever the fuck you want, Drew. You can’t. Things have changed. We’ve all changed. Since what happened with Pete, we think before we act now. We use our heads. This isn’t the high school MC it used to be before you went away. There’s no underground shit going on. There’s no going ten rounds to win a load of cash over a fixed fight. All that ended the minute you made a deal with the cops. None of the others will tell you because they respect you too much, but me…? After spending all night last night trying to hide a fucking dead body from the entire MC, bar Harry and Jedd, while you stuck your dick in a chick for twelve hours… I think I’ve earned the right to say what the fuck I need to say, don’t you?”

  Snapping his head around to mine, his eyes narrowed and the muscles in his jaw began to work over time.

  I’d never seen him this way, not since our days in the playground when he used to be the first man to jump in front of me in a fight, and the last man to walk away from a standoff. He wasn’t just angry, he was hurt, too, and all that disappointment was aimed right at me. It didn’t take him long to turn away and swallow down whatever bitter taste he had in his mouth. We both knew that he’d said enough in those few words, and we both knew that he was right. I’d killed a man and left him to deal with it. I’d been selfish.

  Again.

  As the headlights of the oncoming traffic sent flashes of yellow and orange across his face, I realized for the first time in decades that my brother wasn’t just tired, he was holding on by a thread the same way I was.

  “Slater…”

  “Don’t,” he said quietly. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry if you’re not.”

  Choosing my next words carefully, I pushed both my hands in between my thighs and turned to stare out of my window. “I’m not sorry that I stayed with her, but I’m sorry that I’ve managed to fuck everything up again. I never meant to get us here.”

  “You never mean for it to happen, Drew. It just does with you.”

  Swallowing down the lump in my own throat hurt like a bitch and I didn’t have to look over at him for him to see what I was trying to hide. “I’m gonna work on that.”

  “Bit late now, don’t you think? Considering how we’ve just been to bury a dead Emperor over on Navarro Rifle’s turf to try and implicate them for his murder.”

  I could still smell the dirt on all my clothes and I knew I’d be burning these right alongside the ones that I’d worn when I beat the guy black and blue, right up until he took his last breath. “It was more self-defense.”

  “The sad thing about what you just said is that on some level, I think you actually believe that to be true.”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “Nothing. Exactly my point. I don’t want you to say anything else. I want you to start doing instead of talking. Bury the old Drew Tucker and figure out a way to be the man we all know is in there. We don’t just stick around to help you bury bodies and massage your fucking ego, you know. We’re here because we fucking love you. But I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit back and watch you ruin yourself anymore than you’ve managed to do since you walked out from behind those iron bars.”

  I turned to study the side of his face and I was pretty sure that I could see a small quiver of his chin as he cleared his throat and ran a hand down over his beard.

  “I don’t want to be that guy anymore, Slater.”

  “Yeah, well, only you can change that.”

  “This will be the last time I get us into one of these situations. I promise you. If we can just keep this from the others, if we can just keep it between the five of us, I know we’ll get away with it.”

  “And you think it’s gonna be that easy?” He laughed again.

  “No. No, I know that if we get out of this unscathed it will be a miracle, but I’m asking you to try. For me.” I didn’t mean to say the next part, but as the words tumbled out, I knew what it meant to the both of us. “For Ayda.”

  Slater turned the wheel into the yard of the hut, not bothering to answer me or even look my way until he’d pulled us up into our usual parking spot and cut off the engine altogether. Unclipping his belt, he shifted in his seat, one arm resting on the headrest while the other lay along the top of the wheel.

  “And for your brothers, right?”

  My mouth fell into a flat line as I nodded slowly. His tone was obvious, but he should have known more than anyone that my brothers came before even my own life. They always had and always would. I’d go back inside and serve a hundred years for any of them. “For my brothers more than anyone. Don’t let me be the one to bring them down.”

  Closing his eyes, he pressed a hand to his top lip and paused for thought. When he opened them up again, I saw resignation there, and I knew this talk or fight or whatever the hell it was, was over.

  “You know I’ll cover you, Drew. I always fucking have and I always fucking will. If you honestly think that we’re going to get away with this, then I won’t mention it again. I won’t breathe a word of it to the others. You concentrate on your girl and I’ll pretend like this didn’t even happen. Leave me to speak to Harry and Jedd tonight, and get the hell out of my face. I’m sick of looking at that bastard twinkle in your eye. It’s pissing me off.”

  My smirk broke free when his tone of voice shifted completely. “Sorry?” I huffed laughing, raising my brows as my hand reached for the door handle behind me.

  “No
you’re not. You’re smug and you’re looking like a man that’s just landed a hot piece of ass.”

  “Hey! Eyes up north when Ayda is around. Don’t you even think about checking out her backdoor area.” This time it was my turn to point, my hand rising up in the air as I gave him the sarcastic warning glare we used to give each other when we spotted a girl we wanted to claim as ours.

  “Tits?”

  “I dare you…”

  “Pussy whipped and pissing circles around her already. Shit, and I thought you murdering an innocent guy was what was going to land us in trouble.”

  I didn’t stick around to hear the rest, just the sound of his laughter, even if it was pretty weak, was enough to bring a smile to my face as I hopped out of the van and slammed the door shut. Walking around the front, I looked back through the windscreen at him and tapped the hood once in thanks. No matter how much shit he gave me, I knew that he would do whatever it took to keep me safe. I was so confident about that fact, because it’s what we all did for each other in this club. We took bullets and died to save the man next to us.

  Jumping up the steps with a half-assed bounce, I pushed through the door and gave the usual nods and smiles to the people I passed by. None of the girls approached me when I walked in, not even Rosie or whatever she was called. Instead, I was met with feminine scowls of disgust while the men all raised their glasses in my direction, congratulating me on something I hadn’t even realized I’d won at that point.

  It wasn’t until I walked over into the corridor and headed for my office that I smelled her perfume in the air. Then I looked up and I saw her standing there with her back to me. Freezing on the spot, I was halfway through taking a step forward when my body shut down. With one hand hanging limp down by her side and the other pressed against the bottom of her stomach, I could practically feel the tension rolling off her shoulders as she stared at my office door, completely unmoving.

  And despite all the shit that had gone on while she’d been away at work, and despite the verbal stripping down I’d just had from Slater, the smile on my face broke out immediately. She was there when I needed her again, and it was when I’d least expected to see her.