Saving Our Hearts

by Velvet Reed

  It’s been three weeks since the accident. Three weeks since Cooper was born. Three weeks since my life changed. I’m still in pain. I still have my broken bones, of course, which means I still need help with everything and I mean everything I do. Do you know how humiliating it is to need someone to help you go to the bathroom and wipe your ass? I don’t know how Cole can look at me the same after this experience. How will he ever find me sexy again after everything he’s had to help me with over the last two weeks? Thank God, Olivia is going to be helping me when I go home.

  I’ve had more tests done over the past two days just to make sure everything is as it should be before I leave the hospital, and I’m fine, but how do I leave my baby here? I know I haven’t had him by my side while I’ve been here, but he was still in the same building. How the hell am I going to get in a car and leave him behind?

  “I’ve packed all our things, Sweet Cheeks. Sam and I are going to take them down to the car, and when I get back, we’ll go see the little man,” Cole informs me. “I don’t know what we’re going to do with all these flowers though. I can’t believe Mom and Ashley kept bringing in new ones all the time.”

  Being in a hospital for so long had me thinking about how fortunate I am I had a loving family visiting me every day; some people aren’t so lucky. “Do you think we would be able to give them away to patients who don’t have any?” I ask.

  Cole and Sam share a look and then Cole shrugs before he replies, “I don’t see why not. I’ll ask the nurses and see what we can do.” He walks over to me and places a tender kiss to my forehead. “You know how amazing you are? Even with everything you have going on, you’re still thinking about making others happy. I love you, Grace Margaret Rivers.”

  I give a small smile. “Well, some people are here all alone and without visitors. They should have something beautiful to look at. I’ve had people coming and going every day, and when I think about leaving Cooper here...” I pause as my lips tremble and tears prick my eyes. “People shouldn’t be alone, Cole. I don’t want to leave him alone,” I cry and I’m immediately engulfed in Cole’s strong arms.

  “Oh, baby, he’s not alone. I don’t want to leave him either, but he’s not alone. Nurse Walters is with him at night and you know how amazing she is. He’s been out of the incubator and in the isolette for nearly a week now. He’s come so far, Gracie, but he can’t come home just yet. You and I haven’t left this place in three weeks. I think it will do both of us and Cooper the world of good if we can go home, get a good nights sleep every night and come back here fresh every morning to visit him. We don’t have to leave at all during the day, and now that we can hold him for hours on end, being away at night will make the day time even more amazing.”

  “I know. I know. It’s just that when you’re pregnant, leaving the hospital without your baby just never really enters your mind. I know how far he’s come and how much stronger he’s getting every day. When he was able to regulate his own body temperature and move out of the incubator, it was as monumental as I imagine his first steps will be. It’s just going to be really hard getting into the car and driving away from him.”

  Using the pads of his thumbs, Cole softly wipes my tears away. “I promise you he’ll be fine, Gracie. He’s a fighter just like his mommy.”

  “Don’t forget he has his granddad, Allison and me looking in on him constantly as well, Gracie,” Sam adds.

  “Yeah. He’s the luckiest little boy in the world having all these doctors and nurses in his family,” I smile. “All right, you guys take our stuff to the car and see about the flowers, while I wait here. Wait! How is the wheelchair going to fit in my Camaro? Oh, my God, how is a baby seat going to fit in the Camaro?” I can’t believe we hadn’t thought about the car situation. There’s no way I’m putting my baby in a two door car. And with those thoughts comes the realization that I have to get back into a car later today and I’m instantly terrified by that prospect.

  Obviously sensing my stress over the topic of a car, Cole strokes my hair in a calming gesture. “It’s all been worked out, baby. Your dad and I organized to get a new car, a more family-friendly car. It’s huge apparently,” he chuckles.

  “We have a new car?”

  “Yeah, we do. It’s a big beast of an SUV and your dad has assured me it’s top of the line in safety features and well... everything.” He chuckles again.

  “We have a new car?” I repeat, kind of shocked at the news.

  “Yes, baby, we have a new car.”

  I’m still scared and completely apprehensive about getting into a vehicle no matter how big or safe it is. Goodness knows how long it’s going to take before I feel comfortable enough to drive again, if ever. I guess the minutes before the accident are still so ingrained in my mind that I can’t shake the fear and devastation they represent.

  “Okay,” I say.

  “We won’t be long, okay? Stay put until we get back,” he smirks.

  I roll my eyes. “Ha-ha, smartass, like I can go anywhere without ten different people helping me.”

  “Love you, Sweet Cheeks.” He smirks and follows a laughing Sam out the door.

  I waste the next few minutes looking through a magazine and trying to forget about my anxiety when it comes to cars when I sense someone enter the room without knocking. I gasp in surprise as I take in the disheveled man in front of me. “Troy, are you okay?”

  He moves slowly into the room and quickly glances each way down the corridor before closing the door behind me. When he turns and looks at me, a little fizzle of uncertainty travels up my spine. His long hair is greasy and looks like it hasn’t been brushed; his facial hair, which he only started growing after we broke up, is longer and saggy looking. Even his clothes appear a tad grubby. “Hi, Gracie,” he says in a raspy voice.

  “H-hi Troy,” I reply uncertainly.

  “I heard you were in here. I tried to come by earlier but I had some stuff to deal with.” He’s acting really strange and his eyes keep darting between me and the door.

  “That’s okay. I’m sure you were busy.” I say and there’s a slight quiver in my tone that I hope he doesn’t notice.

  “Yeah, yeah. I...ahhh, I had a family thing to deal with.”

  Again, I’m puzzled by this piece of news that he has family somewhere.

  “I thought you didn’t have any family, Troy. When we were together, you told me you only had an older brother who left you when you were sixteen.”

  I carefully watch his reaction. His eyes widen a little in shock I think and then narrow slightly. “Oh, yeah, that, well, he...ahhh, he got back in touch and needed some help. That’s where I’ve been...helping him.”

  His body language and nervous demeanor has me questioning, “Is everything okay, Troy? You don’t seem like yourself.”

  With a quick laugh and a glance at his watch, he looks back at me then comes closer to my bed. “I’m fine, Gracie. Just wanted to check on you and make sure you’re on the mend.”

  “Well, thank you and yes I am. I get to go home today.”

  “That’s good news. The kid going with you?” he asks and I find again that little disconcerting feeling tickles my spine.

  “My son? No, he’s not strong enough to go home yet. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

  His eyes dart to the door again. “It will be. I gotta go now, Gracie. I’ll see you soon,” he blurts out, and then before I realize his intent, he leans in and kisses me quickly on the cheek. He’s out the door before I can even get a word out.

  Completely bewildered by the strange encounter, I just sit, staring at the door. There’s something definitely off with the way he was acting. Not liking the feel of his lips on my cheek, I reach across to the rolling table beside my bed and grab the packet of antibacterial wipes there. Stretching the way I am causes a fiery pain to lance across my ribs and has me gasping in pain. Goddamn broken ribs. The broken arm, leg and caesarian scar combined don’t hurt as much as the ribs.

  I’m wincin
g and moaning as I try to get back into position just as Cole and Sam come back into the room. “Babe, are you okay?” Cole asks, rushing to my side.

  “Yeah, I stupidly just reached for the wipes and it pulled on my ribs.” I wince again.

  He gently helps me into a position that eases the pressure on my ribs “Why didn’t you just wait until we got back? We were only gone about ten minutes.”

  Troy is already a sore subject with Cole and I know that when I tell him that Troy just paid me a visit he may just flip out. “I needed a wipe for my face. I...ahhh, I had a visitor and I’m not keen to have his kiss lingering on my skin.”

  “What? Who was here?” Cole asks.

  “Troy,” I mumble, hoping he doesn’t hear me.

  The expression on Cole’s face becomes murderous. “He was here?” His head whips around to Sam. “Call Detective Walker and let them know.”

  Sam leaving the room so quickly combined with the urgency in Cole’s tone of voice has me instantly on edge. “Why do you need to call the detective? What’s going on?”

  He doesn’t answer me straight away but I can feel the tension radiating off him. “Cole,” I say again and he snaps from his daze.

  “The detectives still haven’t had a chance to talk to Troy yet. He never seems to be at his house when they go there.”

  “So why haven’t they just spoken to him when he’s at the garage? Surely, he’s back at work now.”

  Cole just shakes his head. “He hasn’t been back to the garage, Gracie. He called your dad a few days after you woke up and told him he’d be taking indefinite leave. Personally, I find it too much of a coincidence he hasn’t been back to work since the accident.” Again he drifts off into his own thoughts, and then as if a light bulb goes on, he says, “Wait, that asshole kissed you?”

  “On the cheek before he left in a hurry. That’s why I wanted the wipes.” I take an antibacterial wipe out and begin wiping my cheek. “I asked him about his brother and he said he showed up out of nowhere and needed Troy’s help. He looked off and was acting weird. I think his brother might have gotten him into some trouble, Cole. I mean, why would he come here to check on me if he had anything to do with cutting the brakes? He really did seem genuinely concerned. He even asked about Cooper.”

  Cole’s eyes seem to blaze with heat. “What else did he say?”

  I think back on Troy’s visit for a few seconds and shake my head. “Nothing really. He was only here a few minutes.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m sure the detectives are still interested in talking to him anyway and I’ll be happy when we’re home and he can’t just drop in and see you again.” He looks at me tenderly and then runs a finger along my jaw. “I’m going to protect you, Gracie. I won’t let anyone hurt you again. I promise,” he whispers fervently, and then leans in and places his lips to mine. What starts out as a peck slowly transforms into something a little steamer as our tongues tentatively touch and then glide softly against each other. Cole pulls away with a chuckle. “God, I’ve missed kissing you like that.”

  I smile at his statement. Honestly, I haven’t even thought about anything of a sexual nature or even kissing apart from the odd one we have shared occasionally. But after that kiss, it’s like all my senses have been reignited and three weeks without his taste and the feel of his mouth on mine feels like a lifetime.

  “I guess we’re going to get a lot of kissing practice in over the next few weeks.” I grimace. “Between these broken bones and the required six weeks without sex after a baby, it doesn’t leave room for anything else.”

  He places another soft kiss to my lips and then leans his forehead against mine. “The wait will only heighten the anticipation for when we’re finally be able to make love again, Sweet Cheeks. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with having some heavy make-out sessions in the meantime.”

  We both look up and unexpected heat rushes to my cheeks laying claim to the truth of his pet name for me, when Sam reenters the room breaking my thoughts of make-out sessions and making love to Cole. “I called the detective and they’re going to head over to Troy’s house now to see if the can catch up with him.”

  “Thanks, Sam,” Cole says and then returns his attention to me. “So are you ready to get out of this room permanently and go see our little man?” he asks me.

  I smile with pure happiness at his words. “Absolutely,” I confirm, and Cole and Sam begin the arduous task of helping me move from the bed to the wheelchair.

  Once I’m situated in the chair, Sam bids his farewells. “I’m going to take off and run some errands. Just shoot me a text when you guys are on your way home and I’ll meet you there to help get you settled.”

  “You really don’t have to do that, Sam. I mean, we appreciate it and all, but you shouldn’t waste your day off. We both know how precious they are,” I tell him.

  “It’s not a problem, Gracie, really. I’m happy to help.” He bends and kisses my cheek. “I’m so happy to see you going home today, darlin’.”

  “Yeah, me too. I just wish Cooper was coming home with me.”

  “He will soon and then everything will be perfect,” Sam assures me, and then with a man hug for Cole and another cheek kiss for me, he’s gone.

  “Let’s go, babe,” I tell Cole and he pushes me out of my hospital room one final time. After saying my last thank yous and goodbyes to the nurses who have cared for me for the last few weeks, we enter the elevator and I let out a huge sigh of relief. Tonight will be the first time in three weeks since Cole and I have slept in our own bed, in our own home, and while I’m excited to get out of here, my departure is bittersweet.

  We spent the day with Cooper. Since he moved to the isolette and we’ve been able to hold him for so much longer, our days with him have been incredible. I’m sure I spend at least fifty percent of my time just staring at him and taking in all of his tiny little features. The way he wraps his little hand around my finger and holds on tightly feels like he’s telling me he loves me. My heartbeat always takes flight when he does it.

  I love seeing Cooper in his own little clothes now too, which was another exciting thing to happen when he moved into the isolette. Normal baby clothes are small, but clothes tiny enough to fit premature babies have a completely different cuteness factor. Of course, with me stuck here in the hospital, Cooper’s need for clothes gave Olivia, April and Ashley yet another excuse for a shopping spree. He has the most extensive wardrobe of any baby in the NICU.

  One thing out of the accident and Cooper’s early arrival I didn’t think about until a little over a week ago was the fact that I wasn’t breast feeding him, and by that time, it was too late. With my injuries and having been unconscious for almost a week meant that I wasn’t in any state to provide my baby boy with the natural form of nourishment. I was so upset at first and shed a few tears, but then I realized that as much as I would have loved the experience, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t something I needed to dwell on, because I couldn’t change it. Cooper was doing fine on the formula the hospital provided and that’s all that really mattered.

  Sitting here now watching Cooper in his isolette, I know Cole and I will be heading off home soon and I can feel my anxiety level increase as the minutes tick by. Anxiety. It’s not something I’ve ever had to deal with before and I’m slowly beginning to realize that it’s becoming a new, unwelcome feeling. I don’t want to go home without him.

  As if sensing I need it, Cole takes my hand in his and squeezes. “I don’t want to leave him either, baby, but I know he’s in good hands here.” I silently nod because I know the nurses and doctors are brilliant.

  We sit a while longer before Cole says the words I’ve been dreading to hear all day, “Gracie, we should really get going now.”

  The moment has come and I wonder if all parents of premature babies find it such an agonizing feat to leave. I reach in and caress my baby boy’s little cheek and he turns his face ever so slightly in the direction of my finger. “You have
sweet dreams, Cooper. Mommy and Daddy have to go home now, but I promise you we’ll be back to see you first thing in the morning.” A few tears escape as my heart begins to ache and we haven’t even moved away from him yet. “We love you so much, baby boy. It won’t be long until you get to come home with us too.” Since I can’t reach in to the isolette to kiss him, I kiss my fingers and gently place it on his little scrunched-up forehead.

  Cole follows suit and whispers his own goodnight. As he turns the wheelchair and begins pushing me out of the NICU, I crane my neck, feeling the shooting pain in my side, but my gaze doesn’t leave Cooper until we are out the door and it closes behind us, blocking my view. I don’t hold back the loud sob or the tears of heartache our leaving Cooper evoke, and it’s only when I see Cole crouch down in front of me and feel his strong arms wrap around me that I let go. I cry and sob into his neck and hold on as tightly as I can, needing every ounce of love, support and reassurance I can get. Cole pulls back. His own eyes are glistening and have a subtle red rim around them, “Let’s go home, baby. I know it’s not the same as taking Cooper home, but I’ve got a surprise for you that might just cheer you up a little.” With a quick kiss on the lips, Cole’s standing behind me again and we’re leaving the hospital.

  After Cole manages to secure me in our new huge car without too much trouble, I sit in the passenger seat concentrating on regulating my breathing. Nausea rolls in my stomach, while anxiety and fear take over my mind. When Cole finishes putting the wheelchair in the back and hops in beside me, I wonder if I’m on the verge of passing out. “Okay, baby, big deep breaths. I know this first car trip is going to be hard, but you can do this. I’m right here beside you.”

  His words are meant to be comforting, but they do little to quell the turmoil wreaking havoc within me. Cole double checks my seatbelt puts his on and when he turns the ignition the engine roars to life, causing me to jump at the noise. This SUV is so much bigger than the Jeep or my Camaro and it sure seems a lot louder too. As Cole shifts into drive and eases his way out of the parking spot, my right hand grips the door so hard my knuckles turn white under the pressure. I’m panting as I hold on for dear life and my teeth are clenched so tightly together that I fleetingly wonder if it’s possible for them to shatter.