Sound of Regret

by Chelsea Roy

  “You spoke with Jack about my infertility issues?” She asked, stumbling over the words. She was dreading the answer.

  “Well, yes. He was caring for you so attentively and frankly, you weren’t coping very well. What was discovered during your procedure needed to be addressed.” Ellie’s mind spun, making her feel off balance and dizzy. She had infertility issues that Jack knew about? And he hadn’t told her anything about them? The implications of this were hitting Ellie quickly and the hand holding the phone shook.

  “I, ah…” she thought rapidly. “I just don’t know how to address them.” She said finally. And that was not a lie! She didn’t even know she had infertility issues she needed to address.

  “There’s lots of options these days for women who can’t carry babies to term. I’m sure any one of those would work for you if you’re still interested in being a mom.” Ellie’s heart stopped. The woman’s voice droned on and on, but Ellie was hung up on ‘can’t carry babies to term’. Was that her? Was she able to get pregnant and just not keep the baby? And Jack knew this and kept it from her? No wonder why he kept insisting on using condoms with her. Ellie felt her heart shatter in her chest at his duplicity.

  “I’m so sorry. I need to go. Right now really isn’t a good time for me,” she mumbled before pressing the button to end the call. She threw her cell phone onto the couch with more force than she intended and it bounced up and hit the floor. The battery flopped out of the phone and it lay there in several pieces on her living room floor.

  Thoughts raced through her head. She recalled the day on the beach with Jack where had tried to ask her what she would do if he had infertility issues. Ha! That was a laugh. He had no issues. It was all her. The fact that it was six weeks after the miscarriage and he was still wearing condoms spoke volumes about his knowledge of the situation. The hospital had definitely talked to him; there was no mistake about that part. And Jack was so agreeable to Ellie’s desire to have babies. He knew it was impossible for her to do so he had no moral issue with telling her he was fine with it all. He wasn’t technically “lying” to her so in his book it was acceptable. Did he even want children? Somehow Ellie didn’t think so. He’d always been pretty vocal about not becoming a parent.

  Ellie’s eyes filled with hot tears. A sob broke free from her chest and she sank onto her couch. Jack had sworn to her that there would be no lies between them. A lie of omission was still a lie in her book and this was something pretty fucking big to withhold from someone. She pressed a hand to her chest. Her heart physically hurt her. Had everything over the past few weeks been a lie? Ellie’s brain churned over the events of the past six weeks. Jack’s unlikely turnaround from playboy rocker to devoted boyfriend. His professed desire for a family with her when the entire time she’d known him, he had maintained all along that he never wanted to be a husband or a dad. His purchase of a home built for a family but would never be filled with one.

  Ellie’s hands shook as she picked up the phone and put it back together. They continued to shake as she dialed Regan’s number. She wasn’t ready to confront Jack about his deception. Ellie knew she could count on Regan to be levelheaded and rational about the facts and if Ellie needed to be talked off a ledge, Regan could do it. Regan was so good at seeing both sides to things her perspective was valued and often sought after by other professionals. It was a large part of what made her an excellent attorney.

  “Hey lady,” Regan said briskly as she answered the phone. Regan was always brisk at work. Ellie choked on her tears, hating that she was interrupting Regan’s day with her personal shit.

  “Hey.” She said weakly.

  “What’s wrong hon?” Regan asked quietly, her tone becoming soft and cajoling. She knew Ellie well enough to read the inflections in her voice. Ellie’s composure vanished with Regan’s question.

  “Memorial called just now to follow up on me.” Ellie was crying softly with each inhale and exhale.

  “That’s good.” Regan said cautiously.

  “Not really. It was a grief counselor and she asked how I was dealing with my infertility issues!” Ellie cried out.

  “What the fuck?” Regan said furiously, moving into pissed-off attorney mode. “Don’t those idiots know you had a miscarriage?”

  “That’s what I said.” Ellie struggled through a fresh set of tears. “But they said they talked to Jack about the fact that I can’t carry a baby to term.” Ellie heard Regan’s sharp intake of breath.

  “He didn’t.” Regan said, her voice low and angry.

  “I trusted him Regan!” Ellie wailed. “After everything he’s done in the past, even knowing him, I believed in him when he said he wouldn’t lie to me and I trusted him!” Ellie had never felt more stupid. She knew Jack better than she knew anyone and she should have known he wasn’t capable of changing so drastically. She just didn’t understand why he’d let everything drag out.

  “What are you going to do?” Regan asked her. Ellie appreciated the fact that Regan didn’t spew a bunch of man-hating junk her way in order to help her feel better. Instead, she cut right to the chase.

  “The only thing I can do.” Ellie said miserably. Regan’s anger at Jack confirmed it wasn’t just Ellie’s perception that Jack deceived her. He had truly done something unforgivable.

  “Kick his ever-loving ass to South America and back?” Regan asked grimly. “Make him spend obscene amounts of money while groveling at your feet for all of eternity?” Ellie was shaking her head but realized Regan couldn’t see her.

  “I’m done Regan. D-O-N-E, done.” Ellie told her, still crying.

  “Ellie, hon…” Ellie could hear the warning in Regan’s voice. Ellie couldn’t believe Regan hadn’t come to the same conclusion as she had. Why would Regan want her to stay with a man who was a liar?

  “No. I don’t want to hear it. I’m done.” As Regan started protesting again, Ellie hit the disconnect button on her cell. She hated hanging up on Regan but this was not a ledge Ellie could be talked down from. The entirety of her and Jack’s new relationship was based on lies and Ellie had no idea what was real and what wasn’t.

  Ellie knew with absolute clarity what she had to do. Although she was almost one hundred percent certain that the hospital had spoken with Jack, that they had called the correct person about infertility issues, she needed to confirm that last one percent of doubt still lingering within her that just maybe they’d gotten it wrong.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Ellie sat in the lengthening shadows and watched the room grow dark around her. She waited for Jack to come home to her and was reminded of a similar night so many years ago when she sat and waited to break horrible, life-changing news to Jack. When she finally heard his key in the door, her heart sank into her stomach with dread and with the knowledge that he wasn’t really the man she had fallen in love with.

  “Ellie?” He called out. His voice sounded happy and relaxed. He flipped on the living room light and saw her sitting there. He flashed his heartbreakingly beautiful smile at her. She looked at him steadily and twisted her lips into a passable smile.

  “Turn the lights off,” She requested quietly. Jack looked puzzled, but he quickly complied with her request. She made no move to explain herself.

  “Ellie?” Jack’s voice no longer sounded relaxed and instead held a note of concern.

  “I want you Jack. My way, right now.” Ellie knew what she planned to do was unfair to him, that he had no idea just how hard she was going to push at him but she had to know the truth. She was going to use his passion against him to find out if he’d been lying to her all along.

  Her heart pounded so loudly in her chest she was sure he could hear it. Hopefully he would mistake her racing pulse for passion. She could faintly hear the sounds of clothes rustling and Jack’s shoes hitting the ground. He complied with her demand just like that, no questions asked but his acquiescence wasn’t really surprising. He’d never hidden how much he desired her and the only time he’d ever turned down
her advances had been while she was under a doctor’s care for the miscarriage. She was counting on his passion for her to reveal his deception.

  “Always your way, baby.” Jack said; his voice infinitely closer to her than it had been just seconds ago. Now he sounded amused as well as aroused. Ellie stood up silently and unwound the wrap dress she had worn to work that morning. The dress made a hiss as it fell from her body and pooled at her feet in a silken puddle.

  Ellie reached out to his shadowy outline and tugged his hand into hers. She lifted herself onto her toes and aligned their bodies together. She brought his mouth down to hers, nipping at his lips and then she kissed him just the way he liked. Her mouth was hard on his as she ran her tongue along the seam of his lips. He groaned against her mouth and his hands flexed into her waist. Ellie rubbed herself on him, her stupid traitorous body wet for him. She had no chance of controlling her physical reaction to him, but she could put the brakes on her heart.

  “Ah, fuck.” He muttered in her ear as she passed her wet heat over him again and again. His hips were making small thrusting motions against the juncture of her thighs. They weren’t enough to seat him inside her, only enough to drive them both crazy with lust. She felt him reach away from her and she knew he was reaching for the condoms he recently started keeping at the ready in his pants pocket.

  “No.” Ellie tugged his arm with her hand. “Not tonight. Tonight I want you to fill me up,” she whispered into his ear. “No barriers between us.” She heard him inhale sharply and she pressed down on his hard cock. The tip of his penis penetrated her ever so slightly and her body clasped him hotly.

  “Ellie,” he groaned before he slipped out of her. She rubbed against him again.

  “Jack, I want you to come inside me. It’s been six weeks. That’s long enough to recover by any standards.” Ellie kissed him wetly while wrapping a leg around his hips. She felt his pre-cum wetting her belly.

  “Els,” Jack gasped out, thrusting his hips against hers. He allowed himself to penetrate her just slightly again before withdrawing. “God, you feel so fucking good,” he groaned against her ear. “I’ve missed being inside you like this.” Ellie’s heart sped up with hope. He seemed pretty damn willing. Maybe Jack really had no idea. Ellie’s heart thumped loudly as she prepared to make her next move. There was really only one way to find out for certain what Jack knew.

  “I want a baby. I want you to give me a baby Jack.” Ellie’s voice trembled. Her statement was not a lie and her heart broke with the fact she might never experience having his baby. Her request was putting his possible duplicity to the ultimate test and she was terrified of his answer.

  “Ellie, not yet. We need you healthy.” He told her, his mouth seeking hers. She allowed her lips to be captured for a brief kiss before sinking down onto him fully. She felt him jerk against her in surprise. Moving quickly, instinctively, she rocked herself back and forth in a rhythm that she knew would have Jack seeing stars in minutes. Their standing position rubbed in all the right places and Ellie knew Jack loved taking her this way.

  “Yes, Jack,” she whispered. She slammed down on him over and over. She knew by the growls at the back of his throat he was close to exploding. With each thrust of his hips, Ellie’s hope grew. She knew him enough to know he wasn’t some horny teen boy who had no control once he was in the middle of sex. She was fully aware that he could pull out at any time and sheathe himself in a condom. She also knew Jack would never risk hurting her and if getting pregnant would hurt her, he would never agree to it.

  Ellie closed her eyes in the heat of the moment and pictured herself with the exact life she’d always wanted with Jack. A comfortable home, a happy life, and healthy babies. It was a picture filled with love. It was enough to push her over the edge and she contracted tightly around Jack’s thick cock. Breathy moans escaped her lips and she clutched at his shoulders. As she was riding out her orgasm, she felt him suddenly pull out of her. She cried out in denial as she felt his cum hit her belly in warm jets. Her eyes squeezed shut and she choked back a sob. Pulling out just confirmed everything Ellie suspected. Ellie’s beautiful dream shattered and became dust at her feet. Reality hit her hard. She would never feel Jack’s baby stretching her belly, kicking inside her. He didn’t, in fact, love her.

  “Fuck, Ellie, what the hell was that?” Jack sounded angry with her. Ellie lifted off him, suddenly furious. It wasn’t like she had raped him. He had been a perfectly willing participant, damn him.

  “I don’t know, Jack! Why don’t you tell me? What’s so objectionable about coming inside of me? You’ve been doing it for years!” She stood there in the dark, glad her face was hidden by the darkness. She knew tears were streaming unchecked down her cheeks. She didn’t want him to see her weakness.

  “We can’t. You know that Ellie! You’re not fully healed from your miscarriage.” Jack burst out. He was acting like Ellie was in the wrong here. She laughed harshly.

  “Like hell, Jack! Fucking just stop it already. My body is completely fine and you know it.” A sob caught in her throat. “At least, fine as it pertains to the miscarriage.” She tacked on bitterly. Her body wasn’t fine because it couldn’t do one simple task that most women were born with the ability to do. Jack quickly moved to be directly in front of her, invading her personal space.

  “What the hell is this about Ellie?” He asked her. “What do you mean ‘as far as the miscarriage goes’?” His fingers wrapped around her forearms. Ellie yearned to be close with him but she forced herself to close down those feelings. Their emotional closeness was an illusion anyway.

  “You’ve known for weeks that I can’t have babies and you’ve hidden it from me.” She accused him angrily. Jack dropped his hands off her arms like he was holding live coals.

  “Did fucking Brent tell you?” He asked her furiously. Ellie didn’t think it was possible for her heart to hurt any more than it already was but to find out Brent knew her personal business before she did crushed her.

  “Brent knows about this?” She cried. “Brent knows and I didn’t even know?” A fresh wave of tears poured down her cheeks. She heard Jack’s heavy footsteps as he moved toward the light and Ellie blinked against the brightness when he flipped it on.

  “If Brent didn’t tell you, who did?” He demanded of her. The look on his face was frightening and Ellie wished for the cover of darkness. Walking away from him would be the hardest thing she’d ever done and she knew it made her a coward but she didn’t want to see his face while she told him she was done.

  “The damn hospital therapist called today, Jack! She asked how I was coping with my fucking infertility issues. She said my husband seemed devastated when they broke the news to him. Tell me Jack, were you devastated I couldn’t have kids or just heartbroken that you were going to be stuck with me for good because of your stupid fucking sense of guilt?” Ellie’s voice rose steadily during her speech.

  “I already told you I don’t feel guilty toward you Ellie!” Jack’s voice was exasperated. “And yes, they did tell me. And yes, I am devastated. I want to have children with you and at the time, I couldn’t see any way around what they were telling me to give us what we both want. It killed me Ellie!” Jack’s voice rang out passionately but Ellie didn’t believe any of what he said to be true. Jack was a master at manipulation and Ellie wasn’t going to soften toward him tonight. She was fed up and, as she’d told Regan, she was done. Rage at the whole situation bubbled up inside her and Ellie finally lost it.

  “You. Are. A. Liar!” Ellie’s voice screamed the last word so loudly that she felt her vocal cords strain. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that her neighbors had heard and couldn’t bring herself to give a damn.

  “What the fuck was I supposed to say to you, Els?” Jack yelled back. He shoved his hands into his hair and yanked on the roots, making them stand on end.

  “Oh, I don’t know! How about, ‘gee Ellie, you can’t have my babies!’” Ellie moved to him quickly and smashed her ball
ed up fist into Jack’s chest. She felt him flinch from the force of the blow. Ellie wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to hurt as badly as she did in that moment. Jack’s arms wrapped around her, stilling another forward swing of her fist. She struggled against him, hating the fact that she craved his warmth and his scent even while she was angry with him.

  “We’ll figure it out Ellie. There’s lots of options for people like us. C’mon, please.” Jack’s voice had switched from angry to coaxing. His arms cradled her and he pressed desperate kisses along the side of her face.

  “There’s nothing left to figure out. I’m broken inside. You lied to me. You fulfilled your duty by making sure I was okay after the miscarriage. And I am. But what I’m not okay with is you pretending everything was normal. We just bought a damn house together with a nursery in it! One you knew I’d never be able to fill!” Ellie’s voice cracked and she let out a broken sob. She tried to hit Jack’s chest again, only this time the shot was much weaker because of their position.

  “Ellie! I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m not a perfect man. You know that! But I love you, Els. I want this thing with us to work! For you, I’m trying!” Jack’s voice was frantic. Its tones reached Ellie’s ears but had no effect. The fact that he had just professed his love for her for the first time didn’t matter to her. She was devastated by his betrayal of her trust.

  “Jack, you were always really clear that you didn’t want marriage and kids. I just let what I wanted get in the way of the truth I already knew. It wasn’t just that you knew I’d never be able to fill the nursery. It’s that you never really wanted to fill the nursery that gets me. That’s where the lie is. You and I aren’t on the same page. We don’t want the same things and we can’t keep pretending that we do.” Ellie wiped the tears from her cheeks and looked at him straight in the eyes. His eyes were glassy and wide. He looked horrified, like he was watching a train wreck with no way to intervene. She had no idea where to go from here, other than she needed him out of her house. His arms had loosened enough that she was able to back away from him.